Mammy Loves You, Forever

Told by: Marcella

I was 18 when I lost my baby girl.  She grew her wings on May 22nd 2000.  When I found out I was pregnant with my little girl I couldn’t wait to go in for a scan and listen to the heart beat.

When I was around 5 months, I found out what I was having, I was having a girl!  I couldn’t wait to buy her pink clothes.  I was sick at the start of my pregnancy but then I was ok.   At around 6 months, they kept me in, because I had protein in my urine, high blood pressure and swelling in my feet.  When I was better I was allowed home.  At 7 months I was feeling too good, so I went to the doctor and he said I was OK and so was my baby, so I went home.   I thought this was all normal so I loved feeling my baby kick and doing summersaults inside me.  It was so funny we had our own music just me and my baby.  Every time I listened to a certain song she would kick or when I’d have a bath she would kick so at 8 months, I went for my check up.  It was on a Thursday.  The doctor said they would bring me in the following week because she stopped growing and I had preeclampsia so then I went to another doctor, and she checked my blood pressure.  She said it was up a bit so she sent me home.  As I left the room it was like I was walking on air, i felt so weak and so light headed.  I thought it was normal.  I didn’t know what was going to happen that Friday.  I went in to get bits and bobs for my baby girl.  I couldn’t wait to see her so the next day, Saturday, while I was getting my room sorted.

My mom helped me.  I was kneeling down folding clothes when then I could feel someting dropping down from under me.  I didn’t take notice like, I thought it was normal.  Sunday came, and I didn’t feel too good so a friend and I went to the hospital.  I didn’t feel her all day Saturday or Sunday so we went in. I  had to wait for a while then it was my turn.  I told the nurse that I hadn’t felt her moving, so she listened to her on a stethoscope.  She couldn’t hear her, so she put the trace on me, and still couldn’t find her heart beat, so then I got a scan.

This is when my nightmare just began. They told me my baby passed away.   Well I just flipped.  I couldn’t take it in.  I wanted to go home.  They had to hold me down.  They said I had to be kept in.  They gave me stuff to bring on labour.   I couldn’t take it in.  I was in shock when my labour started.  The nurse didn’t know I was in labour.  My friend had to tell her, so then they brought me to the labour ward.

I started pushing.  They dosed me up with morphine or some kind of pain relief.  I was out of my head when I was pushing.  My baby girls head dropped down my pelvis.  The doctor didn’t know I was out of my head.  I even knew it.   With 3 pushes she was born.

At 3:05 Monday morning, May 22,  2000 my little girl was born.

She was so perfect.  Ten fingers ten toes.  I got to hold her, I changed her, took lots of photos, I got to Christen her and named her Lea.  I had her all day Monday, Tuesday and  Wednesday.  On Wednesday I had to organize her funeral flowers and stuff so then went back.  I  couldn’t be out for long.  Her funeral was on a Thursday.  She had a lovely white coffin.   I was able to hold her while the priest was doing the mass.   The mass was in the hospital and I couldn’t take it in.   She was leaving me.   We buried her with her two uncles so she wasn’t alone.

I miss her so much.  I had to be back at the hospital for my sister.  I booked a room for afterward because I couldn’t stay.  I was getting weak and dizzy so I left.   A friend and I went back to the hospital that night.  I was getting a shower; a nurse had to wash me.  I was in shock, my head was spinning, I just wanted to die.  I stayed in until Saturday.  Then I went home.  I had to start my life without my baby girl.

Lea, I miss you loads baby.   Mammy loves you, forever.