Told by: Ember
From a young age my biological father molested me, and at the age of 10 he began raping me. I never told anyone, and hid the bruises and started cutting, developed an eating disorder and got into drugs and alcohol. Even worse, 3 years later I was late for my period and found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone, I knew he’d kill the baby or me. So I kept it a secret.
Even after the test confirmed it I was convinced no one would believe me and they would think I was disgusting or worthless, because that’s what he told me.
I looked up online how to find out how far along you are and learned I was around 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks I ignored it, scared to death of what would happen if I told anyone about the baby. I wore bigger clothes and hid the small bump that was forming beneath my belly button. I was so confused and scared. Then I felt her move. I know that 12 weeks is too early but I swear to God I felt her, I knew then that I loved her, I didn’t care where she came from or who the father was, she was mine. My child.
A few days later I began having cramps, mild at first, then sharp pains in my lower abdomen and I started spotting. The next day I began bleeding heavily and it got thicker with clumps and gobs of dark material. I got even worse pain in my vagina and felt horrible pressure. Then I understood what was happening, my baby was dying.
I got dark towels out and laid them on the floor of my bathroom and sat half naked, and bleeding for what seemed like a long time. I finally felt an odd pressure and something inside my vagina, I half stood with my hand up to my body and she came out. A small part of her umbilical cord was attached and she was perfect. Arms, legs and 10 fingers and toes. She was weightless to me and only a few inches long. I looked to see her gender. My baby girl. I held her and cried for what seemed like all night.
I told her I loved her and I would see her again and I wrapped her up in toilet paper, like a swaddle. And I put her in a trash can. I tried to make her comfortable and warm. I kissed her tiny head and whispered out loud that I loved her. I bled more and more stuff came out in large clumps and stringy globs, and I continued bleeding for another week or so. I’ll never forget May, 3rd of 2010. Not long after that my father wad arrested for molesting a friend of mine and I moved in with my mom. I confessed everything and have unconditional support and love now. I miss my baby girl every day.
Ember,
I am so sorry for the deep pain you have been through. Please know that you are not alone. I so understand that hurt of rape and losing the baby you already loved. No matter where and how our babies came to be they are precious and will always be loved and missed. I am here if you ever need to talk. Please know you are not alone , I truly understand.