Which Side Are You On?

Ah, the questions.

Even years later, I still get them.

Once,  after supporting families and before returning to care for the needs of my own family, I would stop all of my responsibilities to answer these endless interviews because I felt that if I could borrow the time to offer clarity, I should.  That somehow, it was serving.

The emails, private messages, the public forums where people debate and want to know just exactly where stillbirthday sets camp on any number of issues from elective abortion to home birth to religion have been responded to with thoughtfulness and care (even when the questions were accusations and intentionally void of respect or thoughtfulness) because I believed it was one other way I was serving.

Today, though, the questions are actually a distraction.

So I will compile the questions in one space, and answer them.

The answer is the same for all of the questions, actually.  If you draw a line between pro- and anti- anything, rest assured that stillbirthday as a whole probably does not rest on one ground or the other.  Yes, we have individuals representing stillbirthday who find their home on any side of any issue, indeed.  And that is wonderful.  But no, as a whole we do not plant our loyalties on any one ground.  No, that thin dark line that seems so solid to you on your ground, it actually opens into a chasm of darkness and a pool of loneliness and abandonment, wherever you draw that line, and on whatever subject you might imagine.

And it is in that chasm that I walk.

I serve families literally every single day.  And walking through that darkness with families, only to climb out of that valley to find self-righteous inquiries, petitions waiving in my face asking for my signature to confirm where my loyalties are at, am I pro-life, do I hate homebirth, do I support non-Christians, it’s such an insult to the journey the families endure that I flat don’t have any positive kindness to muster toward any such inquiries anymore.

I don’t want your approval, I don’t need your permission.  I serve families, not politics.

And before you come at me with your tale that the question is founded in your own personal experiences, know that if it truly was, you wouldn’t be asking me such questions.  You’d recognize that all families deserve support through the journey of birth and bereavement.  That my supporting other families does not invalidate you, and I will not allow you to invalidate them by spending any more time indulging in such inquiries.  Whatever your politics are, whatever your morals, background, experiences, feelings are, you have a right to them as a bereaved individual and/or in your role as a professional serving bereaved families.  You can stand your ground without needing me to join it.  And with as much commitment, endurance, transparency and love as I offer to any family on the other side of any line you’ve drawn, I will offer equal portion to you.  Love does not need to retract from one side to give to the other.

There is no conformity here, no legalism here, no brainwashing politicking here.

I walk the thin dark line where birth and bereavement meet.  You will not pull me out of that to serve your side, because regardless of what side of whatever issue you are on, the side is not what needs serving.

So the real issue is not which side I am on, but the real issue is why sides are being served rather than families.

Here’s my public service announcement: I serve families, not politics.  It’s really just that simple.

So if you’ll excuse me, there are families in the chasm who deserve to be loved on, and I must excuse myself from your campaigns that serve sides rather than families.  If you’d care to join me, you are welcome, and we will walk and grow together.  It takes real courage to dare to move closer to that line, dare to reach out to touch it, and see that it opens into a whole world of pain, and it takes even more courage to dare to journey into it.  But if you do, I promise you the rewards are great.  No accolades, no fancy publicity, no spotlight on you.  You will never be the winner here.  In fact as you’ll gather from this message, you’ll find you might be challenged and interrogated and even betrayed and forsaken or scorned at every turn.  For years to come.

There is no fanfare.  There is loneliness.

There is no trophy.  There is selflessness.

There are no riches.  There is sacrifice.

There is no magical eraser of pain.  There is suffering.

But if you dare to go where you’ve never gone before, if you dare to walk with the hurting, you will be the one who is healed.

I have no other way of offering that to you.  It is a gift, a treasure, you will receive only when you give up everything else.

It is no wonder I don’t fit into your side, or even sides I once stood on.  I wouldn’t give up the darkness for the world, for here in the valley is where the cleanest light shines.  It is a light of hope, of transparency, of courage, of love, of healing.

It is everything to me.  Walking the thin, dark line.

That is my campaign, my land, my position.

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