There are times when a message not only opens doors and breaks down walls FOR the bereaved community, but WITHIN the bereaved community.
In the past three years of stillbirthday, I have learned that the very spaces where we can find home within the healing community can also become festered with exclusivity and as a result, isolation – from within and from without.
- Mothers of stillbirth can sometimes feel as if their grief is more substantial than mothers of miscarriage.
- Mothers of miscarriage can sometimes feel as if their grief is more substantial than mothers of elective abortion.
- And mothers of elective abortion can sometimes feel as if their grief is more substantial than mothers who have yet to conceive, but who long desperately to.
- Infertility as primary or secondary can become isolating, even from each other.
Not only is home stillbirth rarely talked about, but, even this demographic divides into two seemingly polar opposite experiences:
- planned home stillbirth (yes, home stillbirth really is a valid option for families carrying to term with a fatal diagnosis)
- unexpected home stillbirth
To the latter, let me make one thing clear:
I like birth choices. But I love the mothers who make them.
Unexpected home stillbirth is a difficult thing to discuss, because shame and blame both can become intricately woven into the story. If not from the parents themselves, assumptions and judgments can be thrust upon the parents by loved ones, by neighbors, co-workers, and friends. From the investigative process that may include law enforcement. Projected upon by the midwife or later, from the hospital staff. And if this doesn’t happen, there are certainly enough predatorily minded people online who will seek to script the story into something outright dangerous to the mother’s bereavement journey – if she doesn’t hate the midwife, they will be sure she hates herself.
All of these things impede upon healing.
If you have experienced unexpected home stillbirth, may you know:
- there are resources and there is support for you.
- you have a right to define your own experience.
- you have a right to change the definition of your experience whenever you need to.
- you have a right to know that you are not required to align with anyone else’s interpretation of your experience.
- you have a right to support in navigating the emergency transfer, medical involvement and possible legal involvement there may be.
- you have a right to postpartum care. Lactation, lochia, sleep deprivation, hunger, help with household chores such as raking, shoveling, grocery shopping, errands, cooking and cleaning are all areas you deserve postpartum care, just as any mother does.
- you have a right to explore the fullness of the reality of your baby, including calling your baby by name, having keepsakes, and bonding with your baby.
- you have a right to be the recipient of support, while your midwife receives her own, needed, emotional support from her own sources.
- you have a right to memories not filled with blame toward others.
- you have a right to memories not filled with blame toward yourself.
- you have a right to unconditional support.
- you have a right to unconditional support (yes, it is worth mentioning twice).
Listen to GhostBelly
The author of GhostBelly graced stillbirthday headquarters – The M0M Center – with a visit recently, and, her book is phenomenal.
Everyone who attended left with a signed copy. Her book is an important one and I would encourage any mother or midwife impacted by unexpected home stillbirth to read her book and learn from her wisdom, courage and love. Rarely does a book come along that so profoundly and so articulately speaks into its niche demographic in the way that GhostBelly does. Rarely does a piece of writing offer such a fair consideration and from such an intimately impacted role of personal bereavement. Lisa is a beautiful mother and phenomenal writer.
I have never seen a writer speak into unexpected home stillbirth with the depth and bredth and courage and maturity and love as Lisa has.
GhostBelly is a must read for anyone desiring to gain understanding of birth setting choices, homebirth midwifery, and the larger scope of impact of infant loss when such loss occurs unexpectedly at home or during hospital transport.
In true gorgeous fashion, Lisa has offered us an audio excerpt of her book. Please, be sure to be in a safe place, with quiet, love….and tissue.
Here is the link to purchase your copy of GhostBelly, and to follow GhostBelly on facebook.
Click here for YOUR FREE AUDIO EXCERPT OF GHOSTBELLY.
GhostBelly is the kind of reading experience that I think truly could benefit from a private book club. If you’d be interested in reading this book along with a small group of peers, let me know by sending a message to the stillbirthday facebook page, and I’ll share a link with you where we can read the book by chapter together, and, just really cherish the personal as well as the collective experience of home stillbirth, and of maternal bereavement. Order your book now, and we’ll get a group started in November.
Come, and let us open up doors not just FOR the healing community, but WITHIN it. Because, we are all in this together.
