I Want Him Here

 

I Want Him Here

Lord, I know he is in a better place

With peace and joy and love and grace.

He never has to feel pain or sadness

With You, he only feels gladness…

But, I want him here.

I know it’s selfish, yes, it’s true,

To want him here instead of with You.

I want him here, to be with me,

To run and play, to climb a tree.

I want to teach him how to talk,

and watch him as he learns to walk,

To hold him when he’s afraid at night,

And let him know he’ll be alright.

I want him here.

I want to watch my child grow

To be with me, but even so,

I know You will take care of him,

And he’ll live in a place that has no sin.

Always he will sing praises to You,

Reminding me that Your Word is true.

That one day when I “come home,” I’ll see

My precious child waiting for me.

I want him here…..yes…. it’s true….

But if he can’t be with me….

I’m glad he’s with You.

Jennifer Mull

(written in memory of Elijah James miscarried 11/11/99)

Introduction

Hi friend.  My name is Heidi Faith.

As I travel this path of life, I am blessed to have four, beautiful children; three handsome, jovial, kindhearted, strong boys that are here in my sight, and the youngest, just beyond my view, is right up ahead, with Jesus.

To learn a little about my personal experience, please visit my story of miscarriage.

As parents, we want each of our children to change the world.  We want them to impact it somehow; we want them to be remembered.  We want them to be heroes.

This is what I have also come to know from every single pregnancy loss story I have read, every single website I have visited, and every single book I have found.  As parents of children who have died, we each, quite simply, want the world to notice them.  To know them.  To value them, like we do.

This website is here because of my fourth child.  In his tiny little life, he has changed the world.

This website marks a beginning–a new place to offer resources, inspiration, and hope.

But, it’s also a place of ending.

I am no longer straining, planning, aching, preparing, gestating and laboring over this site.  I have “birthed” this place, have presented it to the world, and now, I can step forward, carrying this light for my own heart.

As I begin to step forward in my journey, I pray that while you are here at stillbirthday.info,  you find comfort, I pray you find healing, I pray you find God.

Credits:

There is no way I could have built this website alone.

First, I need to thank my family, for patiently waiting as I have sorted through feelings, scoured scripture to answer my confused and broken heart, poured over hundreds of emails from different mothers sharing their experiences, and meditating on God’s truths until I knew for certain what the next step in this path would be.  My courageous, heroic, intuitive, darling husband–the pain he feels at losing his baby has never superseded his compassion and counseling for my own broken spirit.  My seven year old, popping a sippy cup in his grumpy little brother’s lap while I finished plugging in “just one more sentence” in an email, may he know that God saw his patience and his love, and that his efforts to console his cranky brother while both parents were busy actually manifested itself into the reality of this website, and into the reality of the blessing it will be to so many mothers.  And, of course, I wouldn’t have built this website without the very real, sacrificial life of my darling baby.  I would trade every blessing from this site in just to have him back, but alas, God can see further across the horizon than I can.

My church pastors have supported and continue to support us through our journey.  Our sweet, precious women’s pastor, Carol Harrup, arrived at my home a short time before our baby was born, brought a meal, read scripture, and prayed over us.  Just a few minutes after she left our home, our precious baby was born.  I am thankful also to Nathan Scott, for answering questions that had everything to do with God, but included understandably awkward words like “uterus”.

My church family and other friends sent cards, brought meals, gave me hugs, and cried with me.  I am forever grateful for the simple ministry of just saying “I’m sorry”.

Kathy Disney took my call very early, the morning of our baby’s funeral.  I was previously told that photographers don’t offer free services for babies younger than 24 weeks gestation.  Bless her gentle, compassionate spirit, for coming to our simple little funeral, capturing the love we desperately ached to demonstrate over our departed baby, and for giving me the permission to use her photos for this site.  I brought the plain, angel food cake and the zero candle to the funeral.  The cashier at the grocery store where I purchased it that morning thought it was a joke and chuckled, “Somebody isn’t very old!”. The trademark lit candle is Kathy’s photograph.

KC Community News ran my original miscarriage story in two pieces, so that it would have double the readership.  Bless Amy for her kind spirit.

Family Life Radio allowed me to share my story on the air.

Matushka Anna realized that I had a very similar vision as hers, and kindly and generously shared her website with me.  She is an amazingly talented woman who dearly and proudly loves her precious Innocent.  Her perspective is inspiring.  She and many other mothers who’ve loaned their creative inspiration helped shape this site.

Bg&Co Birthing Company in New York generously donated a designer gown, as a giveaway to encourage doulas to see their very important role in providing care to pregnancy loss families.

Dawn Gilner generously donated her book “I Miss His Everything” as a giveaway incentive, to bless the very first mothers who were brave in sharing their stories here at this site, so that the mothers who come after them know that they are not alone.

So many pregnancy and infant loss mothers have become special friends through sharing their stories with me.  The emails, the online messages, the chats.  Bambi, Liz, Marla, Christina, Julie, Anna, Lisa, Jenny…and so many others.  You have become darling friends.  Annamarie, Dawn, and others, have generously donated money and useful materials toward the future updated version of this site.

I am thankful to my original blog readers and Facebook friends, for their comments, prayers, and their patience as I typed out my feelings.

I am very thankful to the different companies that sent me different memorable items.  I will link to them in the resources section of this site, but would especially like to thank Ron Lawhead, the owner of HeBrews Coffee, for working so generously toward the cause of someday improving and updating this site.

And, of course, I couldn’t have done any of this without God.  He has protected my heart, showing me His truths, and mercifully forgiven me for being so angry with Him.  He has protected my anger from festering into violence or rage, He has protected my sadness from festering into deep depression or despair, He has protected my love for my other children from turning into guilt over my grief, and He has protected my simple confusion at the loss of my child from turning into suspicion or doubt of His divine and ultimately perfect plan.

Finally, I thank you too, for being here.  If you have endured loss as well, I am so sorry for the death, so sorry for the darker parts of the journey.  It is my hope that warmth shine into your spirit and that you encounter truly divine love.  We come from all faiths and experiences here, but I literally hold my hand to my computer screen and pray that by the power of the Holy Spirit each and every person who finds this place knows that they are loved, that they are beautiful for the endurance, that the frantic grasping for sanity and the chaotic unravelling of life can both be terrifying, but that you are absolutely magnificent for the courage it takes to breathe into your soul when you have begged, desperately, for your own beloved baby just to take a breath.  I pray you know you are a treasure.  That your baby left you a legacy of love, that you are the ambassador of this gift.  May you receive this gift of pure love into your own heart, and, may you learn to share it with others.  You are worthy.

The Invaluable Birth & Bereavement Doula

***SBD Doula Registration***

-An excited mother meets with her prenatal provider to have her mid-pregnancy ultrasound and determine the gender of her baby.  She leaves, totally devastated, as she learns her baby has a condition that isn’t compatible with life outside of the womb.

-A mother experiences heavy bleeding accompanied by heavy cramping.  She’s only known she’s been pregnant for a couple of weeks; she hasn’t even seen her provider yet.

-A mother goes into unstoppable labor halfway through her pregnancy.

-A mother labors at 39 weeks, after a totally uneventful pregnancy, anticipating the birth of her live baby, when something tragic suddenly happens in the course of her labor.

What do each of these mothers have in common?

Many things.  They are all mothers.  They all anticipated giving birth to live children, and their dreams came to a shattering, abrupt, crushing halt.

And, through stillbirthday, they each can utilize a doula.

What is a doula?

Doula is a Greek word, which dates back to biblical usage.  According to the New Testament usage, it meant someone who was willing to provide service to someone in need, so that the person in need would learn about Jesus’ sacrifical love.

The Birth Doula/Labor Coach

Since its usage in scripture, doula has come to have something of a different meaning.  Beginning in 1973 with the publication of “The Tender Gift” by Dana Raphael on the study of breastfeeding support in the Philippines, the term “doula” became associated with experienced women who come alongside new mothers while they are pregnant and during the actual childbirth process, to provide love, encouragement, information and support, in addition to continual breastfeeding support.  These women are para professionals, and do not replace medical support (and are not to be confused with midwives), but come alongside the mother on her pregnancy, birth and early postpartum journey.

Aging/Seriously Ill/End of Life/Bereavement Support

In 1998, Dr. Sherwin Nuland, professor of surgery at Yale University School of Medicine and author of How We Die: Reflections on Life’s Final Chapter, spoke at a conference hosted by the Shira Ruskay Foundation in New York of the Yiddish and Hebrew word for funeral, levaya, which means “to accompany.”

One midwife (not to be confused with doula) speaks of her role through a Jewish “Taharah”, which is a burial preparation that literally means “to purify”:

“The act of helping a woman and her baby through their many transitions seemed analogous to helping the soul transition from this plane of existence to the next.

I performed my first Taharah, and it was more than I expected – more silence, more depth, more sensitivity. The concern of being with and touching a dead body left as soon as I entered the room. The midwife in me took over. The four members of our team worked quietly, with tenderness. And the energy, amazingly, felt the same as at a birth — a feeling of completion, a palpable sense of the soul transitioning and a humble appreciation of the privilege of being there.” (source)

Inspired by Dr. Nuland, Phyllis Farley, chairman of the board of the Maternity Center Association in Manhattan, launched the Doula to Accompany and Comfort Program at the Jewish Board of Family and Children’s Services in New York.

In 2001, this Board, with the support of the New York University Medical Center’s Department of Social Services, began a doula program with this focus: rather than on providing comfort to mothers as they welcome in new life, this program provided comfort to those with serious illness, facing the end of life journey. (source)

Benefits of Bereavement Support

“Doulas provide stability in that they are a constant presence for the patient,” said Rev. Marci Pounders, chaplain for the Supportive and Palliative Care Service and coordinator of Baylor Dallas’ program. “Each [doula] is assigned to one patient at a time so that they may concentrate on that person’s needs. They seek to relieve suffering and improve patients’ and families’ quality of life. Often just listening provides the ultimate form of stability.” (source)

It is the goal of Rev. Pounders and the Baylor Office of Clinical Ethics and Palliative Care to expand their Doula to Accompany and Comfort Program program to all Baylor Health Care System affiliates. (source)

Hogan’s Grief Response Checklist and the qualitative data tracked positive outcomes for both the peer supporters and the clients participating in the Peer Support Program of the Canadian Mental Health Association Suicide Services in Calgary, Alberta. (source)

Comfort Zone Camp, through HelloGrief, notes the following benefits of peer grief support (groups) (source):

  • Emotional and physical support in a safe and non-judgmental environment.
  • Support and understanding from others who have experienced a similar loss.
  • The opportunity to begin the healing process through sharing your own story and hearing the stories of others.
  • Coping skills to help you through the most difficult days of your grief journey.
  • Hope through companionship with people who “get it” and understand first-hand what you’re going through.
  • The opportunity to discover new traditions and ideas to keep loved ones present in your hearts and in your memories.
  • Increased understanding of how children and other family members react to loss.
  • Permission to grieve and permission to live a happy productive life.

The Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic and Neonatal Nursing and Marianne H. Hutti, DNS, WHNP-C recognize the social needs of couples and families after perinatal loss, as well as the positive response in these families to social support, and encourage social support in addition to any medical care the bereaved family may need.

The Mayo Clinic notes that peer bereavement support can provide an emotional connection, relieve feelings of isolation, provide the bereaved with an opportunity to release powerful emotions they may otherwise keep to themselves, peer support can allow for the exchange of useful information ranging from disease research and new medications, to coping strategies even within the first year; additionally, it is noted that health care providers say that it can improve a participant’s mood and decrease psychological distress. (source)

Results from Eric G Hulsey’s Doctoral Dissertation, archived at the Institutional Repository at the University of Pittsburgh, of a study on childhood bereavement and peer support suggested that peer support programs can improve children’s coping efficacy while helping to improve their caregivers’ perception of social support. (source)

Dr. Phyllis R. Silverman, researcher and teacher. Dr. Silverman’s research in understanding how the bereaved help each other led to her development of the peer-to-peer model for grief support.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EbLtWxRYgoA]

Numerous additional research articles concluding the benefits of peer bereavement support are available.

Benefits of Birth Doula Support

Doulas supplement (not replace) medical support to provide the following:

  • reduces overall Cesarean birth rate 50%
  • reduces the length of labor 25%
  • reduces Pitocin use 40%
  • reduces the need for forceps delivery 40%
  • reduces requests for epidural pain relief 60%  (source)

These statistics were derived from live births outcomes.  There are no current statistics on doula support for known fetal demise, but it can be concluded that doula support for such birth outcomes would reflect these statistics, although the degree of reflection is unclear.  It is most certain that doula support for known fetal demise outcomes would not contradict these reported outcomes, including no harmful effects of such support.

One medical review of obstetric and postpartum benefits of doulas concludes:

“A thorough reorganization of current birth practices is in order to ensure that every woman has access to continuous emotional and physical support [doulas] during labor.” (source)

Stillbirthday recognizes this to include mothers enduring pregnancy loss, giving birth to miscarried or stillborn babies.

The Cochrane Review of doulas and their benefits, along with a helpful explantion of their study, is available.

The American Academy of Pediatrics published a review pointing to continuous labor support not only lowering unnecessary interventions during labor, but increasing parental bonding with the infant – with the distinction between parental bonding and infant attachment, suggesting the newborn need not attach for the parent to bond.  This would apply then, to babies born still, with no demonstrable attachmentment.  This bonding can help facilitate healthy grieving. (source)

“Those of us trying to understand and be helpful to the bereaved are much more comfortable now with the idea that we always carry many relationships within us. A person does not always have to be present for us to feel connected. When the absence is the result of a death it is necessary to change the nature of the relationship rather than letting it go.” -Dr. Phyllis R. Silverman (source)

 

Stillbirthday Birth & Bereavement Doulas

Trained Companions

Combining the benefits of bereavement support with the benefits of birth support, stillbirthday seeks to provide every mother and family experiencing pregnancy loss with compassionate and comprehensive emotional as well as practical support:

-SBD doulas can fill in the space between learning of a difficult diagnosis and the birth of the baby, supplementing perinatal hospice and medical support.

-SBD doulas can provide labor support prior to and during a miscarriage.

-SBD doulas can attend births at any gestational age.

-SBD doulas can provide postpartum support for mothers who’ve experienced pregnancy or infant loss.

-SBD doulas can provide services and support for subsequent pregnancies and births.

In the week before official publication, stillbirthday has already enlisted the support of 200 doulas from every US state and around the world – and we are continuing to grow!

If you’d like to increase your knowledge of birth & bereavement doula support and earn the SBD credential, register to join our comprehensive training, which includes:

  • prenatal education, planning and support for parents
  • physical aspects of childbirth (stages of labor, process of birth)
  • differences and similarities in aspects of childbirth by trimester
  • navigating birthing options
  • techniques for providing comfort during labor
  • techniques for naturally aiding in progress of labor
  • emotional aspects of childbirth which doesn’t result in live birth
  • guidance for home, provider office, hospital, and NICU settings
  • physical postpartum care / recovery for the mother after birth
  • emotional support for parents immediately after birth
  • navigating the overwhelming time from the birth to the farewell (including things like hospital paperwork, medical examinations, funeral preparations)
  • providing support for subsequent / ”rainbow” pregnancies
  • establishing yourself as a professional in your community / using stillbirthday resources and other resources

Get Registered Today!

 

 

 

A Tear Fell

Today ~ A Tear Fell

I rode by our old house by chance today And I just happened to look that way. For a moment, I saw myself pregnant holding my baby son in that front porch swing. However, that vision did not last for long.  Soon I remembered my baby son and daughter are gone.

.
Just when I thought I was doing so well, Before I knew it ~ a tear fell.

.
Then on Sunday as I sat in church I looked around and missed you so much. I saw other girls in their pretty dresses and boys in their Sunday suits. And I remembered my little babies were just as cute.

.

People all think I’m doing well; They don’t know today ~ a tear fell.

.
When I am reminded of what might have been, when life catches me off guard, That’s when I seem to be hit so hard. It seems all thoughts lead back to you, Matthew and Laura. I take each day and try to get through,

They say time makes it better, but I cannot tell; I only know today ~ a tear fell.

 

contributed by Robin

11 Weeks My Story

(go back to 11 weeks)

Told by:

Twins/Multiples Birth Plan & Resources

This includes the following birth methods: natural delivery – artificial induction (medication) – Cesarean.

 

Printable Birth Plan Documents:

When both (or all)  babies have died:

When one baby (or more)  has died, but one (or more)  is expected to live:

Finding ways of honoring your special motherhood:

  • Many bereaved mothers consider a pregnancy subsequent to loss a “rainbow pregnancy” or “rainbow baby”, being that a rainbow “follows the storm” or the darkest days of loss.  Because of this, mothers too, consider a surviving multiple to be a “rainbow baby” or “rainbow multiple”.  If you’d like, you might view our rainbow birth plan to find ways of incorporating these ideas into your birth plan.  In “vanishing twin” or “fetus papyraceus”, you might also consider including the placenta in a special farewell, including placenta burial or cremation; just visit our farewell celebrations page for more information.

 

Things to Know:

  • Because the first plan covers 2 different birth methods, specifics to each particular birth method will be noted.
  • Cesarean has its own birth plan because it is so in-depth.  You might consider printing both plans, in case your birth turns into an emergency Cesarean.  There is a high likelihood that you may deliver your twins (or more) via Cesarean.
  • These plans do not include options you may wish to include if your baby may survive past birth, including possible resuscitation, ventilator use, medications and additional testing.  You should consider including these things if there is a chance of your baby surviving for any additional time past delivery.
  • Learn more birth education, and what to expect during labor, here.
  • Please visit our link on general postpartum health (your emotional and physical health after delivery).

Helpful Tips:

Delayed Interval Delivery:

  • Know that your babies may not be born at the same time; referred to as “DID” or “delayed interval delivery”.  This may lead to weeks of bedrest if the pre-born multiple is still alive.  Stillbirthday mothers have also shared that they have experienced the loss of one multiple in pregnancy where it was determined that the baby “reabsorbed” (as we discuss in the vanishing twins information), but that hours or days after the birth of their full term live birth surviving multiple, they gave birth to their tiny multiple who was not alive.
  • We have information regarding vanishing twins and “fetus papyrus”.  We also hold photos specifically of twins and multiples at various ages and involving various factors.  The photos link also leads to our multiples birth stories.

twins-87-days-apart

Rainbow Multiples:

  • Stillbirthday mothers who have surviving multiples, might consider them to be “rainbow” babies.  A “rainbow” baby is one born after experiencing loss.   We have beautiful and validating resources including our Rainbow Milk campaign.
  • One other kind of multiple that stillbirthday families may experience is Irish twins.

 

Other Helpful Tips:

 

  • If your state doesn’t offer a birth certificate for stillbirth, consider printing off our unofficial birth certificate (found at the Farewell Celebrations link).
  • Consider arranging the funeral to take place after you have physically recovered, if you’ve delivered your babies via Cesarean birth, or arranging the funeral to take place after your live baby has been discharged from the NICU, so that you can participate as well.
  • Consider special farewell words or music.
  • Also include a personalized farewell celebration.
  • Ask for your ultrasound photos, or visit a local Crisis Pregnancy Center that performs ultrasounds, and ask if you can have one last photo of your baby.
  • If your baby still has a heartbeat, consider using your cell phone or other recordable device, and record the doppler’s sounds of your baby’s heartbeat.  You can then add this to a Build-A-Bear as a momento.   Alternatively, you can purchase a beautiful Angel Heartbeat Bear, which has everything included.
  • More momento and special ideas are listed in the birth plan.

How far along are you? Have an idea of what your babies may look like:

Additional resources

for loss involving multiples:

Stillbirth Induction

Stillbirth induction is different from the induction of a miscarried baby.

With stillbirth induction, it is a part of a full hospital delivery.

Helpful Tips:

If you are pregnant with twins (or more), we have a customized birth plan for delivering twins.

 

Methotrexate

Methotrexate is administered to mothers who have been diagnosed with an ectopic pregnancy very early in their pregnancy (generally about 6 weeks and under).  It can be given orally, however, it is usually recommended that it be administered by injection, with either one or two injection sites.   It is considered a noninvasive procedure and reduces the amount of scarring to your reproductive organs.   On rare occasions, this medication may also be administered after laparoscopic surgery to prevent any cells from growing that may have been left behind.

The medication will simply tell your baby to stop working.

After the medication is administered, you will probably be allowed to return home, with a follow up appointment a few days to a week later.

Within that time, your baby’s efforts to grow will be rested to the point that the baby dies.

You will bleed just as in a natural miscarriage, for at least the first few days.

You can make this birth method more meaningful by incorporating your own birth plan.

How far along are you?  Because ectopic pregnancy can be fatal to the mother unless the pregnancy ends as quickly as possible, I will only include very early development links to fetal information (and there is a probability that the development of an ectopic baby may be a little different; still, it can be nice to have a general idea of what your baby’s last developments will be):

Your doctor will advise you against using any of the following, as they can interfere with the concentration of medication:

  • vitamins containing folic acid (including prenatal vitamins)
  • alcohol
  • penicillin
  • ibuprofen

Your doctor will also cover side effects and warning signs with you, including discussing the potential risks Methotrexate (possibly referred to as chemotherapy) can have on trying to conceive in the near future.  Some studies indicate that the medicine from Methotrexate may remain present in your own body’s cells for up to 7 months after use; doctors generally recommend waiting at least one ovulation cycle before TTC after Methotrexate to prevent complications in fetal growth in the subsequent pregnancy.

Protected: 40 Weeks My Story

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Protected: 39 Weeks My Story

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

The SBD® Doula provides support to families experiencing birth in any trimester and in any outcome.

Here at stillbirthday.info, you can learn about the SBD® Doula.