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I am a Mother

June 23, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Jess

I never thought I would be where I am in my life. I have a beautiful 11 1/2 year old daughter who I delivered at 32 weeks. She came after going into labor at 4 months from an incompetent cervix. I was 24 years old and had been married to her father for 3 years. They did not think I would make it to deliver her and offered an abortion. I knew she was mine and meant to be. So I fought.  She is perfect. When I was 17 I lost a little girl at 6 months 2 weeks.  Also before my daughter came I had had several miscarriages. I was overwhelmed with joy with the delivery of my beautiful daughter.
When I was 28 I became pregnant with my daughter Genevieve. I had a cerclage at 12 weeks.  I was in a horrible roll over car accident when I was 4 months pregnant. I walked away without a scratch but when I delivered her still born at 38 1/2 weeks I knew the umbilical cord injury was most likely caused from the accident. I was devastated.
My marriage fell apart. He thought I should snap out of it after 5 days. It’s a pain that never goes away. We divorced.
Four years ago I met the man of my dreams. He healed me and gave me permission to grieve and subsequently heal. Two years into our relationship I found out he had AIDS.  I almost lost him.  That’s an entire story in itself. He is now doing well and as healthy as can be expected after almost dying.
Our dreams were crushed. We were in love and knew children were most likely never in our cards. Well God had different plans. I thought I was depressed or maybe had mono – we always use protection. But nothing is for sure. I became pregnant last September. I was overwhelmed with emotions. I was scared, thrilled, sad, and many other things.   I had the most high risk pregnancy ever. Got my cerclage,  went on massive preventative anti viral medications and found out my daughter most likely had vacterl association as she has a heart defect and a spinal defect.
To make a very long and scary story short, she has no HIV, no vacterl and her heart defect closed up.
I felt like a failure when I delivered her with a emergency c-cection after 48 hours of hard natural labor.
But I am not a failure. She is my beautiful Snow.   Born at 37 weeks she is perfect in every way. Sent from our higher power for us to raise and love.
I see my daughter Genevieve in her. She is ours. Proof that you can have life after loss. I’ve lost so much in my life. But I have been truly blessed with just as much. Nothing is impossible.  The pain from losing a child never ever goes away. But time does blunt the blow a bit. At 35 years old I never thought I would be holding a beautiful 5 week old daughter. But I am. This is just part of my story. I am strong. I am a mother.
Filed Under: All Newborns / Diagnosis, Election Not Desire, Ending Fertility in Loss & TTC Challenges, Getting Pregnant Again, Love Letters to My Body, Rainbow Birth Stories, Teens

Protected: My Perfect Dawn is Nearing

May 23, 2013 by Leave a Comment

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Filed Under: 07 weeks, Teens

We Miss You Ethan

May 9, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Erica

I just had my third miscarriage. Fourth heaven born baby. This one has been my hardest. My other pregnancies were from bad situations and didn’t have the same impact as losing a child with someone you love by your side and grieving too.

I don’t exactly mean to imply that losing my other children wasn’t hard. All of my losses were hard but I went through them alone and no one understood so I forced myself to heal faster so I could stop hearing people say that it was just a miscarriage, what’s the big deal, and other things like that. This one was harder because I not only had to contend with my grief but with my boyfriends grief as well.  We both still feel the loss and so it’s hard because  we seem to grieve more together than I was able to when I was alone.

My boyfriend and I both knew the day we conceived. It was a total “oops” moment where the condom slipped, of all things. We both knew in that moment that we had conceived and once I missed my next period we decided to wait a few weeks and just enjoy the idea of a child, even though we knew because of my past I would have a very hard time carrying this child. We were both sure we were having a boy and we were getting excited.

Then one day, a couple days past seven weeks, I started spotting. I didn’t say anything at first because I knew what was happening. The next day I continued to miscarry and began cramping horribly which alerted my boyfriend to something being wrong, and so I had to tell him. We opted for a natural miscarriage together and I spent the next 3 days cramping and mourning the loss of another child. We named our son Ethan Daniel. He was born into heaven on April 5th 2013 and I can’t wait to see him in heaven one day.

 

Filed Under: 07 weeks, all, Teens

Mammy Loves You, Forever

May 9, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Marcella

I was 18 when I lost my baby girl.  She grew her wings on May 22nd 2000.  When I found out I was pregnant with my little girl I couldn’t wait to go in for a scan and listen to the heart beat.

When I was around 5 months, I found out what I was having, I was having a girl!  I couldn’t wait to buy her pink clothes.  I was sick at the start of my pregnancy but then I was ok.   At around 6 months, they kept me in, because I had protein in my urine, high blood pressure and swelling in my feet.  When I was better I was allowed home.  At 7 months I was feeling too good, so I went to the doctor and he said I was OK and so was my baby, so I went home.   I thought this was all normal so I loved feeling my baby kick and doing summersaults inside me.  It was so funny we had our own music just me and my baby.  Every time I listened to a certain song she would kick or when I’d have a bath she would kick so at 8 months, I went for my check up.  It was on a Thursday.  The doctor said they would bring me in the following week because she stopped growing and I had preeclampsia so then I went to another doctor, and she checked my blood pressure.  She said it was up a bit so she sent me home.  As I left the room it was like I was walking on air, i felt so weak and so light headed.  I thought it was normal.  I didn’t know what was going to happen that Friday.  I went in to get bits and bobs for my baby girl.  I couldn’t wait to see her so the next day, Saturday, while I was getting my room sorted.

My mom helped me.  I was kneeling down folding clothes when then I could feel someting dropping down from under me.  I didn’t take notice like, I thought it was normal.  Sunday came, and I didn’t feel too good so a friend and I went to the hospital.  I didn’t feel her all day Saturday or Sunday so we went in. I  had to wait for a while then it was my turn.  I told the nurse that I hadn’t felt her moving, so she listened to her on a stethoscope.  She couldn’t hear her, so she put the trace on me, and still couldn’t find her heart beat, so then I got a scan.

This is when my nightmare just began. They told me my baby passed away.   Well I just flipped.  I couldn’t take it in.  I wanted to go home.  They had to hold me down.  They said I had to be kept in.  They gave me stuff to bring on labour.   I couldn’t take it in.  I was in shock when my labour started.  The nurse didn’t know I was in labour.  My friend had to tell her, so then they brought me to the labour ward.

I started pushing.  They dosed me up with morphine or some kind of pain relief.  I was out of my head when I was pushing.  My baby girls head dropped down my pelvis.  The doctor didn’t know I was out of my head.  I even knew it.   With 3 pushes she was born.

At 3:05 Monday morning, May 22,  2000 my little girl was born.

She was so perfect.  Ten fingers ten toes.  I got to hold her, I changed her, took lots of photos, I got to Christen her and named her Lea.  I had her all day Monday, Tuesday and  Wednesday.  On Wednesday I had to organize her funeral flowers and stuff so then went back.  I  couldn’t be out for long.  Her funeral was on a Thursday.  She had a lovely white coffin.   I was able to hold her while the priest was doing the mass.   The mass was in the hospital and I couldn’t take it in.   She was leaving me.   We buried her with her two uncles so she wasn’t alone.

I miss her so much.  I had to be back at the hospital for my sister.  I booked a room for afterward because I couldn’t stay.  I was getting weak and dizzy so I left.   A friend and I went back to the hospital that night.  I was getting a shower; a nurse had to wash me.  I was in shock, my head was spinning, I just wanted to die.  I stayed in until Saturday.  Then I went home.  I had to start my life without my baby girl.

Lea, I miss you loads baby.   Mammy loves you, forever.

Filed Under: 32 weeks, all, Teens

Protected: I Hope to Give Hope

May 6, 2013 by Leave a Comment

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Filed Under: Election Not Desire, Ending Fertility in Loss & TTC Challenges, Infertility / Recurrent Loss, Teens

Protected: The Flame of His Life Burns in my Heart

January 7, 2013 by Leave a Comment

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Filed Under: 37 weeks, Infertility / Recurrent Loss, Teens

Protected: Having Nevaeh

September 9, 2012 by 2 Comments

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Filed Under: 36 weeks, Teens

Fifteen Seconds

August 13, 2012 by 1 Comment

[Site Creator’s Note: all stories at stillbirthday are valuable and important.  Each reveals a mothers pain and hope.  Stories categorized as “loss after rape” have additional pain and likely involve additional, graphic content.  This story, shared by a loss mother, is her personal account of rape that led to pregnancy – and, rape that led to her pregnancy loss.]

Told by: Laura

I was 15. My child was conceived either by my father or my brother. I knew I was pregnany and tried to hide it. When my father found out, he drove me to my grandparents abandoned farm and started kicking nad beating me. I was called a whore for getting pregnany and possibly ruining the family. My brother tied me to a table to perform a makeshift abortion. Not knowing what time it was, Little Evangline Mariah was born. They layed her on my stomach; she moved her tiny legs and arms and tried to breathe. Then they took her away. I don’t know where she is or what happened after that. I passed out. I awoke in my grandmas room, with my father telling me to get going so nobody gets suspicious. I bled a lot, but not allowed medical attention. I wasn’t allowed to see where they got rid of my baby. They only reason I knew she was a girl is because I looked. I knew my baby for 15 seconds. February 27, 1991. Fifteen seconds I will never forget and will be with me the rest of my life.

I didn’t name her until 1 1/2 years ago, as I thought if I forgot, it wouldn’t hurt. That’s when I met Hope. She has been supportive and caring and a true friend. I’m just learning to grieve. Stuffing it inside for 20 years made this a long road. Eva is not my only loss. We suffered a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I believe he was a boy, and we recently named him Hans Andew, a family name. Molly is my rainbow. She’s 11, healthy, and just a joy to my life. I praise God every day for her.

I know I’m not alone. Many others out there suffer with pregnancy resulting from rape/incest. I want to support them. Stillbirthday is a safe place to come and picture my sweet butterfly. Thank you for listening.

Filed Under: Loss after Rape or Abuse, Teens

Forever in Our Hearts

May 4, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Robin

I was walking through the cemetery near my home in Kentucky recently and saw the tombstone of a child who was born and died on the same day. There was a stuffed Valentine’s Day bear sitting beside the grave. I stopped walking and began to cry; imagining the pain and heartbreak of the parents of that baby.  My own brother is also buried in that same cemetery. I walk by his tombstone day after day and I always look over at it; even though I try not to… The tombstone is a pinkish color so it’s hard to miss. Inscribed on the stone are the words ‘Forever in our Hearts’. My mother married at a very young age. She was only fifteen. She was only sixteen when she gave birth to her first baby; a boy she named after my father ‘Donald’. Anyway, when Donnie was only a few months old, my father came home from work to find my mother napping and my brother dead. My parents were told that their baby son died of SIDS. There was no other explanation. My mother put him down for his nap and he never woke up. I can’t even begin to imagine how my mother processed such a tragic loss; especially at such a young age. I can’t imagine waking up from a nap to find my baby dead. I can’t imagine… Sadly, my parents did not even have the money to bury their dead baby; my brother I never had the chance to meet and know. My Mammaw (mother’s mother) bought a burial plot so my parents were able to bury their baby properly. (My Mammaw is buried near him now. They are in Heaven together.) As I read through so many stories of loss on this site, I have been reminded of the loss of the brother I never knew. Back when this tragedy happened, there was no internet with loss web sites like this one. There was really no help at all; no place a mother or father could turn for help with their grief and heartbreak. My mother had to internalize her pain and find a way to go on. She does not talk about Donnie but I’m sure she thinks about him and ‘remembers’ on his birthday, death day and on Mother’s Day…

Now, my mammaw, she gave birth to five children but only two survived; my mom and her older brother (who passed away about six years ago). My mammaw miscarried one baby that was so tiny, she buried the baby in a large matchbox. The baby was buried on their farm. She also gave birth to another son and daughter; Russell and Sarah. Sarah was still- born and Russell died at 18 months. I did not realize that Russell was 18 months old when he died. I thought he was born dead like Sarah. My heart broke when mom told me he was one and a half when he died. He was walking and talking… he had the flu and the doctor gave him the wrong medicine. I can’t imagine… Sarah and Russell are buried near Donnie and Mammaw. They are all in Heaven together. Mammaw has been reunited with all of her children now except for my mom.

My mammaw lost her own mother when she was just a young girl. She raised her two brothers. Her life was so difficult but you would never have known it from the way she carried herself and reached out to others, always helping others when she was in need herself. She taught first and second grade up until I was in junior high school (the mid-seventies). She gave to others when she was in need herself. That was ‘normal’ to me and what I was taught we are to do. I can remember her always saying no matter how difficult any circumstance “God takes care of His own”. She was truly a woman of God. I’m so thankful for a godly heritage that came down through my precious mammaw. I learned so much from her about God, about life and about how to love others more than myself.

Filed Under: All Newborns / Diagnosis, Friends & Family, Prior to the 1990's, Teens

Protected: Blessed by Bobby

April 7, 2012 by Leave a Comment

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Filed Under: 20 weeks, Teens
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