When it feels as if you don’t quite fit in anywhere.
When people want to – press, demand and pressure you – to align with their exact ideas and principles, but you simply cannot.
When you feel bullied or outcasted or shamed or denied or ignored or minimized because you simply cannot conform.
When you feel entirely alone.
It does not mean that those who left you out have something more substantial than you.
It does not mean that they have everything right.
When you feel entirely alone.
It probably means you are the first.
And that your first is needed.
It does not mean that you have something more substantial than others.
Nor does it mean that you have everything right.
But if you feel entirely alone,
It just might mean that you are.
It probably means that you are the first.
And that your first is needed.
Stillbirthday is the very first place to give all bereaved mothers freedom to share all of the feelings we endure through our journey, without requiring first that these feelings or experiences be tucked into preframed guidelines shaped by politics, religion, or fear.
This means that in every area with the potential for controversy that is touched by birth and/or bereavement, stillbirthday has been subject to the shake downs.
Which is more worthy?
- Prolife v. prochoice
- Christian v. other faith or no faith
- Stillbirth v. miscarriage
- Miscarriage v. fertility struggle
- Anger at provider v. satisfaction with provider
- Regret of birth choices v. peace with birth choices
Healthy bereavement means that no feeling should be forced to be suppressed by other people’s expectations.
Yet, people from all sides have interrogated, judged, made false assumptions and published entirely false statements regarding the position of stillbirthday on any of these issues. Some have tried to use crafted photos and other long winded tales with the intent of proving that they, once and for all, hold credit to unravelling the mystery of stillbirthday.
And they are all false.
I don’t hold loyalty to any one thing whatsoever that demands suppression of authentic healing.
And yet, in my own life, I am personally, a married, conservative, mother of five children. I am a breastfeeding, homeschooling mother. I am Christian. I am a doula. I am a mother who has given birth to all five of my children without unnecessary medical intervention. I am a mother who has switched providers at 37 weeks. I am a mother who has had a birth center birth with an amazing midwife. I am a mother who has had both, hospital birth, and, unassisted homebirth.
My personal convictions are my own, and I hold true to the values that maintain my integrity and character. I have learned through the power of the Holy Spirit how to do this without shaming, condemning, or outcasting anyone who does not hold my same convictions.
You may not be able to understand that. You may feel angered or threatened by that. You may see that this does not fit entirely within the construct of your own framework, and you may seek to shake or shame me out.
I’ve endured it since the beginning of stillbirthday.
It hurts. It truly, truly hurts. To be left out, attacked, gossiped about, lied about. It hurts more powerfully than you know.
But, I know that the power of fear is great, and that all I can do is hope that it will be softened in your heart.
And in the meantime, I am here. To try to talk out these differences. To try to clarify the lies.
I might not be able to convince you, to prove to you, what it is that will satisfy you.
I don’t have much spare time these days for proving, because I am so busy serving.
But, what I do have to offer, is forgiveness.
For the lies. For the entirely unfounded gossip. For the slander. For the deliberate divisiveness and hurtfulness.
I forgive.
I forgive, every day. Which is why this is a page, not a post. Not limited to a date or a season.
Because every day, these divisions are thrust at me, demanding me to pick sides.
Every day I stand firm exactly where I am at, refusing to conform.
Every day I forgive.
It does not mean that those who leave me out have something more substantial than me.
It does not mean that they have everything right.
Nor does it mean that I necessarily have something more substantial than others.
Nor does it mean that I necessarily have everything right.
But I face adversity, condemnation and slander, because I am the first.
And what I have to bring is substantial, valuable, authentic and worthy.
As am I.
As are you.
As is every mother who visits stillbirthday and finds a home for her heart here.
This place is hers. And I will never take that away so I can fit in anywhere else.
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