A part of Bambi’s Fit to Heal column.
As the new year dawns upon us, many make the resolution to get in shape or lose weight. That in itself is admirable as our physical health is very important. However, most end up abandoning this resolution because it just seems like an insurmountable task. When I began my journey, for the third time, I chose to surround myself with supportive people. I became accountable to others and let’s face it, you don’t want people that you love and respect to see you as a failure. It was so incredibly hard to take that step, but, it needed done. I made myself get it together. I couldn’t eat what my family was eating. I couldn’t have anything I loved. I had to get up every day, get kids off to school, and go to the gym. I was scared about how I looked because I was fat and could feel everything jiggle as I moved. I didn’t know anybody there. It was weird and hard.
After a few months, I was still accountable, seeing results, and making new friends that supported my efforts. I even made a friend who became my workout partner that trained with me to prepare ourselves for The Warrior Dash. Living the life was much easier when it was my life. I learned that I could splurge some on foods that I loved, within moderation. I also noticed that my mental health was improving. Working out actually made me happier and it helped regulate the same hormones that would cause monthly depression. Actually, it also improved my very uncomfortable menstrual cycles!
What about you?
Where are you at in your goal of getting fit to heal? Have you thought about how physical care can impact your bereavement journey? Have you considered taking practical steps toward physical fitness? What makes the decision to create a healthier lifestyle more difficult after baby loss? What makes the decision to create a healthier lifestyle difficult in general?
Spring makes me think of my body image and what I might look like in a swimsuit. This year, thinking on these things makes me angry. I feel like my body failed me. I don’t want to do anything that draws attention to it, even working out or going swimming, which I used to love. When I first read about stillbirthday focusing on working out, I thought I’d like it, as a way to be angry with my body and take my aggression out in a way that everyone else would assume was a good way. Sneaky huh? I feel defeated and weak because I know I can’t even do that. I just want things the way they used to be. So I guess my question is how can I think about working out in a way that isnt actually hurtful?
I hate my body. I feel like it failed me. Like it failed my family. I am having a really hard time eating anything healthy that I know is healthy. It’s like I just don’t care. I just hurt. Thinking about taking care of my body feels like giving up something. Like it deserves to be ignored. I can’t imagine if I started to eat right, if that would hurt my feelings or not, but everything good just feels impossible.