Archives for June 2013
Tiny Person Filling Hearts
June 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Lauren
I found out on the 10/11/2012 that I was pregnant, 7 months after a missed miscarriage.
Since I hadn’t found out about the loss of my baby until my dating scan I was constantly worried this would be the case this time round too. I didn’t allow myself to get excited, not until I could see a happy healthy baby on the ultrasound screen, which on Wednesday 2nd January 2013 we did.
Measuring 11 weeks and looking perfectly fine. We found out the baby was due on my birthday! On the 24th of July, my partner and I left happy excited parents.
I had a relatively good pregnancy until about 19 ½ weeks when I started to get some pelvis discomfort and pressure but with the reassurance of the doctor that it was just stretching pain I was on my way. On the 6th march 2013 we went to our 20 week scan which again showed a beautiful healthy baby, we decided to keep the gender a secret to give us that something extra to look forward to.
I went about my daily activities such as college and socialising, on the morning off Friday 22nd March 2013 I had felt my baby act more lively but didn’t mind as it meant his dad could have a proper feel of the baby kicking, my partner left for work and I went about getting ready for college.
I started to get some abdominal pains but thought it may have been Braxton hicks, it’s not until I had gotten to college and my tutor noticed the signs she demanded that I go straight to hospital to be seen. So off I went thinking nothing of it, at the hospital I explained my pains and was taken into a room. Babies heartbeat was fine, the midwife said ‘the worst case scenario is you could be in labor, if this is the case the baby has no hope’ just after saying this she decided to check my cervix, after having a look she turned to me and said I need to go and get someone it seems your waters are bulging and you are 2-3cm dilated.
In a frenzy of panic I grabbed the phone and called my partner who was with me within 15 minutes, a consultant came in and agreed that this was the case. He said that they would help my baby if it came out showing active signs of life like movement and sounds, they said that the neonatal team would be on standby if this was the case to help support our baby however in the mean time I was told by the consultant that there was little they could do and I was to be put on strict bed rest in the hospital to hopefully give the baby enough time to mature and to prevent my waters from breaking under pressure of me moving. I was given an injection of steroids to help with the baby’s lungs and sent up to the argyle ward full of mothers who have had their babies and are waiting to be sent home. Once In the ward I had gotten one of the nurses to let my auntie know I was in as she was the head midwife of the delivery suite. I spent 3 nights glued to my bed unless I needed the toilet; I refused to shower in case this brought on labor from standing too long.
Each day I was experiencing irregular contractions but hoped it would calm down, on Monday the 25th march 2013 during my stats check-up my waters broke and my plug had come away, I was taken down to the delivery suite as there was high chance I would deliver within the next 24 hours.
My auntie made sure that my partner and I were comfortable and answered all of my worries. My partner throughout had held onto hope praying the baby would come out showing active signs of life, it’s not until a neonatal consultant came in and said ‘ I need to be blunt with you, you have been given a false expectation of what is going to happen. The neonatal team will not be there during the delivery and will not help your baby once it’s here, you will understand when you see your baby’.
I couldn’t find the words to reply, everything we had held onto was shattered we were going to have a baby that was going to die. By Tuesday 26th march 2013 at 3am I began to have regular contractions but when it had reached 6am they had stopped, at 9am the consultant came in with bad news. Where my waters had gone I had contracted a womb infection and needed to be induced as my health was at risk.
My auntie came in and told me she would be attaching the drip, I said I will go toilet first and be back but on the way back from the toilet I got some heavy pressure and after my auntie having a look my baby had stuck a foot out and was surely on the way. The drip was attached to get things sped up, two legs were out and thrashing out I could feel it kicking away which was so hard because it had active signs of life!
However when it got to the head my contractions completely stopped and the bed needed to be lowered and I needed to push regardless of contractions. Eventually at 10.13am at 22+6 on the 26th march 2013 at which is also my dad’s birthday I pushed my beautiful little boy into the world he was delivered by my auntie, he laid still but alive.
He lived for an amazing two hours unsupported until he passed away in my mums arms.
My auntie helped make memories for our little boy who we named Finley Davies. We did the normal weighing and measuring along with ink prints, we took hundreds of pictures. The staff treated him just like a living child with respect and dignity, we were offered tiny clothes for him and he was put in a moses basket sat next to our bed.
We had the Chaplain name and bless Finley through a little service held in my delivery room. We had as many visitors as we wanted to come up and meet Finley. Because of my womb infection I was required to stay for 24 hours to receive treatment but we didn’t mind as this was more time we had with our son. Throughout the night I sang songs and spoke to him, but couldn’t hide the tears when all I could hear around me was crying babies and joyful mothers.
On Wednesday 27th march 2013 my partner and I said goodbye to our son and left that hospital childless, after leaving Finley was looked after by my auntie. We had a long road ahead of us registering his birth and death and arranging his funeral, he had a beautiful send off. I show Finley’s picture off with pride and always speak his name and story; I am so proud of him and love him so much my heart aches. For such a tiny person, he sure did fill a lot of peoples hearts.
I Will Never Forget Her
June 25, 2013 by 1 Comment
Told by: Ember
From a young age my biological father molested me, and at the age of 10 he began raping me. I never told anyone, and hid the bruises and started cutting, developed an eating disorder and got into drugs and alcohol. Even worse, 3 years later I was late for my period and found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone, I knew he’d kill the baby or me. So I kept it a secret.
Even after the test confirmed it I was convinced no one would believe me and they would think I was disgusting or worthless, because that’s what he told me.
I looked up online how to find out how far along you are and learned I was around 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks I ignored it, scared to death of what would happen if I told anyone about the baby. I wore bigger clothes and hid the small bump that was forming beneath my belly button. I was so confused and scared. Then I felt her move. I know that 12 weeks is too early but I swear to God I felt her, I knew then that I loved her, I didn’t care where she came from or who the father was, she was mine. My child.
A few days later I began having cramps, mild at first, then sharp pains in my lower abdomen and I started spotting. The next day I began bleeding heavily and it got thicker with clumps and gobs of dark material. I got even worse pain in my vagina and felt horrible pressure. Then I understood what was happening, my baby was dying.
I got dark towels out and laid them on the floor of my bathroom and sat half naked, and bleeding for what seemed like a long time. I finally felt an odd pressure and something inside my vagina, I half stood with my hand up to my body and she came out. A small part of her umbilical cord was attached and she was perfect. Arms, legs and 10 fingers and toes. She was weightless to me and only a few inches long. I looked to see her gender. My baby girl. I held her and cried for what seemed like all night.
I told her I loved her and I would see her again and I wrapped her up in toilet paper, like a swaddle. And I put her in a trash can. I tried to make her comfortable and warm. I kissed her tiny head and whispered out loud that I loved her. I bled more and more stuff came out in large clumps and stringy globs, and I continued bleeding for another week or so. I’ll never forget May, 3rd of 2010. Not long after that my father wad arrested for molesting a friend of mine and I moved in with my mom. I confessed everything and have unconditional support and love now. I miss my baby girl every day.
Michael’s Milk Gives Life
June 24, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Hallie
I recently lost my baby boy at birth two weeks ago. I was 39 weeks along and went into labor expecting a healthy baby soon. We had planned on a water birth at home and an attending midwife. Being our 5 th child I expected a very quick labor. I was right! Within 3 hours I was pushing.
My midwife starting getting worried when we couldn’t find heart tones. I had a beautiful water birth and an amazing delivery. It was wonderful and happy until after he came out.
My midwife went to work on him right away but nothing could be done. 911 was called and they tried all the way to the hospital but he was gone.
We were in shock. You hear and pray for people in these situations but you never are suppose to be them.
We named him Michael….my angel.
My days ran together the next few days following until the funeral. I had to stay strong for my other children. We were however overwhelmed with support and love. I don’t think I could have done this without my family and friends.
When my milk came in it was, and still is, by far the hardest thing next to loosing Michael. I loved nursing my babies. I am still nursing my 18 month old daughter. So dealing with Michael’s milk was so painful. When it time to pump I could even let down to pump. I got so engorged. My daughter only nursed a couple times a day and not for very long.
A friend of mine came over and gave me a massage while I pumped and I filled a bottle! We both cried over that bottle of milk. I started freezing it because because dumping his milk just sickened me. Then I thought “how many babies could use this”?!? I got on a website on milk sharing. I found baby after baby in need of milk. It broke my heart of all the stories of mamas with cancer and babies intolerant of formula or adopted babies. I can nurse these babies! My son’s milk will not be wasted. He has been helping baby for the past two weeks and will for as long as I can continue to pump. It is helping my grieving too. I feel like I have a purpose in all this chaos and sadness. I hope this helps or someone is inspired to keep pressing on.
The Healing Sparrow
June 24, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Shared by: Sarah
The words are a quote from a hymn “It Is Well With My Soul” by a Christian man just after his children died tragically at sea.
It is written in my husband’s handwriting and is the phrase I cried over and am healing with. The bird is a sparrow after the verse in Matthew saying that not one (sparrow which can be bought two for a penny) falls to the ground outside your Father’s care.
The sparrow is a humble, common bird. Miscarriages are common and often dismissed. But there is nothing our God looks at as common.
Nothing He shrugs off. All of it is meant to reflect His glory. So, even in this agony, there is beauty and hope.
I don’t have words for how much this is helping me in my healing process and that I will always have a way to honor my babies and my God whose goodness shines so brightly in my tragedy.
Hector’s Feet
June 24, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Shared by: Rosie
This is my tattoo: it may be very common, but I loved it. I added the copy of my sons feet print the hospital did for my son. I was 14 1/2 weeks pregnant with my little boy when I lost him on May 7 2013.
