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Sparkles and Snuggles

June 28, 2013 by Leave a Comment

*A GIVEAWAY!*

 

For this giveaway, here’s what you’ll need:

  • Sparklers or candles
  • A pretty bit of paper or other way to include your baby’s name into the photo

Here’s what you’ll do:

  • Write your baby’s name on a piece of paper.
  • Tape the piece of paper to the handle of a sparkler.
  • Light the sparkler, and take a picture of it.
  • Or find another creative way of including your baby’s name with sparklers or candles.
  • Email your photo to: Heidi.faith@stillbirthday.info with “Sparkles and Snuggles” as the subject line.

Here’s what I’ll do:

  • Add your photo here at stillbirthday, and I’ll share your unique stillbirthday URL with photo at the Facebook wall.
  • The photos  can be submitted until July 13.
  • You can post up to 3 photos.
  • I will post all of the URLs on our Facebook wall on Sunday, July 14.
  • The photo post with the most Facebook “likes” on it on July 21  will win a Heartbeat Lamb from My Baby’s Heartbeat Bear! 

 

 

Filed Under: Giveaways & Updates

Mommy & Me

June 27, 2013 by Leave a Comment

The tiny cowboy hat that is used for our giveaways and represents my baby born in the first trimester. 

I can find joyful moments as I think upon my child, even in grief.

Filed Under: Claim the Space, Mothering Our Mourning

Rainbow Announcements

June 27, 2013 by Leave a Comment

How do you announce your subsequent pregnancy?

Here is one idea:

photo source is not bereavement related

Filed Under: Beyond Words (art/photos), Claim the Space, Getting Pregnant Again, Still Together

The Greatest Gift

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Sara

This is our story of the greatest gift that was given to us, but taken too soon.

We lost our baby boy, our first born, James Dean “J.D.” on December 31, 2012.
Here is a little bit about my life and my family leading up to J.D. My husband and I met in January 2005. He popped the question in 2009 and we were married on December 4, 2010. We bought a house together and spend our free time making home improvements, camping in our motor home, or visiting family. We have a wonderful marriage and are as much husband and wife as we are best friends. The only missing link was a little baby.
Our baby making journey began November 2011. We were trying for a few months and got pregnant. Seeing the plus sign on the pregnancy test was one of the most exciting moments of our lives. We told everyone Christmas morning and everyone could not be happier. New Years Eve I started bleeding and was concerned . We went in to the hospital to find out that I was having a miscarriage. I can still remember curling up in a ball in the waiting room and crying uncontrollably as my husband held me. We were only 6 weeks along, but the pain was devastating. At that time, I thought that would be the worst pain I would ever have in my life again. Yet I was wrong.
After waiting to have a few normal periods we started trying again in April 2012. By the end of the month we found out we were pregnant. I remember telling my husband and both of us having considerably less excitement than before with expectation that we might lose this one was well. By the end of May we had our first ultrasound and the sound of our baby’s heartbeat was astonishing. My husband’s face said it all, we were going to have this baby!
The following months were wonderful. I loved being pregnant. Close friends and coworkers said they never saw a happier pregnant woman. J.D. was so active. He kicked me all the time and loved it. My husband, Scott, loved feeling his kicks and would kiss my belly every morning and say goodbye to our little man on his way to work.
Our horror began Sunday, December 30, 2012. I had my 39 week appt on Friday and heard our baby’s strong heart beat. Our nurse practitioner said that everything looked good, but I was not dilated. Saturday included sleeping in and visiting a family member for his birthday. I felt my little guy kick a few times on Saturday. Sunday morning we woke up real late. Scott watched the Packers football game. We ate lunch. After eating is when J.D. was most active, yet I did not feel him move. I ate a few sour gummy bears and still nothing. I even remember saying to Scott to yell at my belly. I called Labor and Delivery and they said to come in to check with ultrasound machine. The drive to the hospital was silent. We both knew something was wrong. As I got checked in and laid down on the bed, I never thought that I would be hearing the next few words, “I’m so sorry we can’t find a heart beat, your baby is gone”. I could not see the ultrasound machine, just my husband’s face. The horror in his eyes is something that still haunts me. I just remember squeezing his hand and screaming, “no, no, no, no”. So many nurses and doctors came in, each trying a different machine or place on my stomach to find a heartbeat. But nothing was heard, but the racing sound of my own heartbeat. I wanted to immediately die.
I remember calling out for my own mom. I remember being moved to another room. I remember my mom, my sister, my mother in law and my husband being there. I remember sitting in a room for hours with silence between the five of us.  I remember a lot of drugs and pain. I remember throwing up and screaming that I could not do this. After over 24 hours of hell, I delivered our angel baby naturally on December 31, 2012 at 8:30 pm. He was perfect. 7lbs and 21 in of perfection. The cord was wrapped around his neck and was the cause of his death. We held him,  kissed him, took pictures of him. The nurses dressed him in a blue and white outfit and cap, took foot prints and took pictures too. A chaplain came in, prayed with us, and blessed J.D. We wished him a happy New Year as it turned 12 am, January 1, 2013. After my mom, sister and mother in law left, after being at the hospital for 30 hours, my husband and I were left alone with our son. His beautiful faced now changing colors with bruising appearing darker than before. We told him how much we loved him and how we would remember him forever. I said I was so sorry that this happened to him and that I would give anything to trade places with him. It was about 1:30 am and we called the nurse in. After about an hour as a family of three, the two of us handed our baby to her and she walked out the room. That was the last time I would ever be able to hold my baby in this world. I immediately wanted him back, but knew it was time to let him go. We held each other and cried.
We spent the night at the hospital and left in the morning after being counseled by a grief counselor. Being rolled out of the hospital with no baby in my arms was devastating. The hospital gave us a box with the clothes they dressed J.D. in, photos, foot prints, a teddy bear, a blanket, a card and a small bracelet J.D. held in his hands for a photo that said “Baby James”. We could not control ourselves from crying the whole way home. We got out of the car and went straight to his nursery where we cried and held each other. Our baby would never come home to this beautiful room. He would never see all the hardwork we put into his nursery or feel all the love we had saved up just for him.
The following days are a blur. We went to a funeral home, by our house, with a support system including my mom, sister and mother in law. We made the hardest purchase of our life, our son’s burial plot. We bought the plots next to him for ourselves. I don’t think any average 31 year olds ever thinks about buying their own burial plots or their child’s but we did.
Our baby’s funeral was on January 9, 2013. We got to see him one more time. His skin was glowing and as I touched his soft cheeks I felt how cold his skin was. We had given the funeral home the outfit we had in his hospital bag and a white blanket with stars to dress him in. I had written a letter to him and read it aloud with Scott by my side. We put a Packers teddy bear, the letter, a picture of us at our maternity photo shoot and my favorite piece of jewelry, a Tiffany heart necklace, in his little white casket. My sister added her own letter that I read to him and my mother in law added a little angel sculpture. Scott was able to carry my son’s casket from the funeral home and out of the hearse, across the grass to his plot. I never looked up or around, but I was told over 50 friends, family and coworkers were there to show their love. We played the Theme song of Twilight, “A Thousand Years” and had a minister do the ceremony. Many people came up and offered their condolences. I just held onto J.D.s teddy bear, stared at his picture above his small white casket and cried. Scott held one side of me while my mom was on the other. Once the ceremony was over and people began to leave we tossed flowers into the grave and I laid in the grass looking down. I never thought that this could happen. I was not prepared. It did not seem real, like a really horrible dream that I would wake up from crying.
I spent three weeks at home or with my husband at work. I needed to return to work as soon as possible instead of staring at J.D.s empty nursery and crying all day. I am a teacher, so my principal and I decided to send home a letter to my students’ parents explaining what happened so I would not get any questions about my baby. For the most part,  I have not had too many questions. A few students and parents have asked me about my baby and how do I like being a mom. I just say I’d rather not talk about it right now. Word of mouth had gotten around and no one talks about it anymore.
It’s weird, but life around me has returned back to normal. People try to treat us like they did before we were pregnant inviting us to birthday parties and vacations. The only difference is the giant sized hole we have in our hearts. I cry everyday. I visit my son’s grave everyday. It has been exactly 104 days since our baby left this world. We have found some hope in church and we try to go every other Sunday. Scott has immersed himself in work and projects around the house. I have become obsessed with baby loss websites on Facebook and baby remembrance items. I am going to buy a curio cabinet to put all my J.D. artifacts in a safe place. We plan on trying to get pregnant again this summer, but that really us. We want a baby so bad, and I feel like we are just unlucky. I honestly don’t think I will ever find true happiness again. I won’t really believe that we are going to be able to keep a baby until I leave the hospital with one in my arms.
To make this situation even worse, both of my husband’s brothers and their wives were pregnant the same time as us. One has a beautiful baby girl who is 7 months old and another one has a perfect baby boy who is 6 months old. J.D. would have been 3 1/2 months old and would be growing up with two cousins near in age. For the rest of our lives we will see these two kids grow up and know that J.D. should have been the third one running around with them.
In the past few weeks, I have finally been able to talk about all of this and try and reach out for more support. I am seeing a therapist once a month and going to a support group for baby loss mothers who meet once a month. My family support unit is amazing and my husband is truly God sent. Without his love and constant reassurance that our baby is safe in heaven and that we will be together again some day, I would not be where I am in my grief. I love him and he is my rock.
I hope you find some sense of comfort from my story.
{Below are photos of J.D.}
Filed Under: 39 weeks

I Miss Her Everyday

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Sherri

Lost my first child, a daughter, at 39 weeks….I miss her everyday.

Filed Under: 39 weeks, all

Their Little Big Sisters

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Joni

We conceived triplets after just one round of fertility treatment.

We were completely shocked yet over the moon with excitement.

I only knew I was growing bigger than a barn, I am only 5’1″ tall, needless to say, I got rather big fast.

All we knew at the time was I had 3 babies and they were all in separate sacks; fraternal triplets. I went into labor at 20 weeks , two of the babies switched places causing their cords to entwine.

I gave birth to fraternal triplet girls on February 3, 1987. It was the most devastating thing we have ever endured in our lifetime.

We had a son in 1991 and another daughter in 1994, they are the best therapy we could have ever asked for, although we have had many challenges with our daughter who has many learning delays and moderate autism.

She graduated from high school last month with school honors.

 

Filed Under: 20 weeks, all, All Multiples, Loss after ART, Prior to the 1990's

Our Love of Summer

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Angela

On May 29th, 2013 I arrived at my 32 week routine check up.

I was excited to see my little Summer Wylde Rose on the ultra sound but I had concerns regarding how little she had been moving the days prior to my appointment. I would have called right away but I had read online that other moms had the same concerns at 8 months and had found out everything was fine – they were simply over reacting, which I do quite a bit.

During the ultrasound I was talking a mile a minute as the ultrasound tech checked her head to toe. I noticed Summer wasn’t moving a whole lot but didn’t ask because I’d heard that ultrasound technicians aren’t allowed to say anything about their findings to the patient; I also figured she seemed to still be as upbeat as the other times I’d seen her so maybe I was still freaking out for no reason.

Shortly after, when I saw my doctor, I let her know right away about my concern with Summer’s lack of movement. She excused herself and came back with a portable ultrasound machine. After lubing up my belly again, she found Summer’s chest and paused then adjusted the ultrasound and paused again. I watched my baby on the screen laying still, my heart sank as I realized my worst fear was a reality.

“See that black spot?” I watched my doc’s shaky hand point at the screen as my mind went blank. “That’s where we usually see her heart beating.” She moved the ultrasound one last time. I don’t remember what she said but we listened closely for her heart beat but all we heard was static. My heart sank as she grasped my hand. “I’m so sorry.”

Her voice was surprisingly soothing and heart felt, which wasn’t to much of a surprise but I’m so used to doctors being some what distant that some how her reaction helped me from collapsing completely. I couldn’t take my eyes off the ultrasound screen.

“Lets turn this off.” I was a little relieved, God knows how long I could have been stuck looking at my sleeping beauty. She had me call someone to come for support, obviously we agreed calling my partner, Summer’s father, was the best choice. I couldn’t bring myself to say what was wrong over the phone but he agreed to come. I kept beating myself up for letting him sleep in, he offered to come with me to this visit but I insisted I would be fine on my own. As he bussed over to the hospital he begged me to at least text him what was wrong, so I did. His text brought on my first round of uncontrollable sobs: “Oh God no, no no no! This cannot be happening. Is she sure?”

Our doc told us we could take a few days to take everything in before I had to be induced but she said we shouldn’t wait longer than 8 days. Two days later we were induced. Because Summer had passed about a week prior to being induced it could take up to three days for the medicine to put my body into active labor. Two days later on Sunday June 2nd, 2013, Summer Wylde Rose was born 2lbs 10oz, 15 inches. Despite how amazing the staff was, it’s hard talking about, let alone describing the experience in the hospital simply because of how emotional it was for everyone involved.

I could not have done it without my partner and my family constantly visiting or the support of our friends and co-workers. We were blessed with great nurses and an amazing doctor who helped take pictures, made prints of our babies hands and feet, and put together a memory box on top of supporting and caring for us through such a hard time.

Telling my 10 year old step-daughter was the hardest part of this for me. I would go through a vaginal still birth a thousand times over before I would ever want to tell that precious child bad news like this again. Watching Chloe cry and get that upset broke my heart, these are the kinds of things you want to protect your child from. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss my baby girl; every day I wish there was a dirty diaper for me to change or a crying face to kiss. Chloe, my partner, my family and I talk about Summer a lot.

Filed Under: 32 weeks, all

My Baby Deserves My Heart

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Andie

I’m a mother, been a mother since I was 17 years old.

I have four amazing children…three boys and a girl; ranging from 15 to 19 months.

I’m still nursing my littlest guy. I haven’t had a period in a long time- since I got pregnant with my last baby actually. I have however in the past few months experienced other signs of ovulation. I’ve kept track because we were wanting to try for another baby. I hadn’t had of those signs in the past few weeks…on the contrary, I’ve felt “different”. I considered the possibility of a pregnancy. I tried not to get excited, yet, and didn’t take a test. I wanted to wait a few more weeks before I jumped the gun. Well last night, as I got in the tub with my baby, I noticed a few bright red clots. Which is weird for me in a cycle. I’ve continued to have bright red bleeding, clots, and a general sense of being un-whole.

Now I’ve spent the night and day wondering and thinking if this is a period or an early miscarriage. It makes me feel blue- because if it is, I may never know on paper. I didn’t get to celebrate someone that was and is no more.

That probably doesn’t make much sense.

I am a registered nurse, and a student midwife, so I have this curse of knowledge. I’m trying to overlook some of the tale tell signs because I don’t want it to be so.

I’ve never had a loss and I don’t know how to process it or communicate it. My entire being is saying I’m losing something important and special and unique and worthy and meant to be. I’m confused. I’m feeling emotional and regretful…guilty and sad….uncertain and quite alone.

Because I never had a pregnancy test or an ultrasound that gave me the scientific yes- I am taking on this societal NO, giving me a weight of NO:

No Andie, you don’t have a reason to celebrate, and no you don’t have a reason to mourn because there’s no certainty.

I can’t live with that. I just feel…I don’t have a good word for it…but something.

There was something and now I feel empty. My body is going through a new experience, I know my body well and this is foreign. I would have been due in February. I wanted to share mostly because I had an inner voice telling me not to, and that’s not right.

This is happening and why should it be a secret that lives only in me. I don’t want to ask permission to be sad over this, I’m giving myself that privilege.

I deserve to have my feelings and my baby deserves my heart.

Its strange how a mother can love a being she didn’t even know existed, but I do. I’m in love with the tiny babe my husband and I made, I’m in love with God’s creation, I’m in love with knowing Jesus is rocking the baby I can’t and that one day he will return that babe to my aching arms.

Filed Under: 04 weeks, 05 weeks, 06 weeks, 07 weeks, all, Provider Care

Protected: In Sweet Dreams

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

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Filed Under: 12 weeks, all

Zannah’s Love for Rose

June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Cambyre

I chose to donate my breastmilk after losing my baby. After my Zannah was born in 2010 and passed away just hours after birth I knew I had to do something to make her short life mean something.  I began to pump and freeze breastmilk while I searched for the best donation option.  I looked into milk banks, and while I knew that the babies in NICUs needed it, it didn’t feel right for me.

I came across a mom 2 mom milk sharing site and I knew that this was what I was looking for.  I got in contact with a mom who had adopted a baby whose mother had died during childbirth.  She wanted so badly to be able to provide all the things her mother would have including breastmilk.  Her little girl, Rose, was only a month older than my Zannah and as we emailed back and forth I knew that she was the one my milk was meant for.

I pumped religiously for as long as I was off work after her birth and ended up proving her with almost 600 oz of milk for her daughter.  I wish that I had stayed in contact with her and could get a picture of what she looked like today.  I know she has to be just beautiful and I am so glad that my little girls life no matter how short was able to make such a huge difference in the life of another.

 

Filed Under: Donating Decisions
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The SBD® Doula provides support to families experiencing birth in any trimester and in any outcome.

Here at stillbirthday.info, you can learn about the SBD® Doula.