Told by: Lori

They were gone before I knew there were there… before I knew there were two. My beautiful twin babies. I went in for my first prenatal appointment at 18 weeks. I had a feeling something was wrong because my belly wasn’t growing. And I was spotting. And my heartburn had suddenly subsided weeks ago. I sat in the ultrasound room alone for 20 minutes, staring at the blank screen. I wondered what it would show. I thought about all the other women who had looked at that same screen. I thought about all the emotion-filled moments of joy and sorrow they had experienced. The midwife who greeted me was very kind and asked about my concerns. She applied the gel and waited awhile before delivering the news in a very gentle voice, “I’m looking for movement and, unfortunately, I don’t see any. I’m SO sorry… But what I do see is 2 babies”.

I was shocked and teary-eyed immediately. There were two cords and one placenta, which she confirmed meant they would’ve been identical twins. I was anxious to tell my husband the news. His mom is a twin and always wanted twin grandchildren. With 22 grandkids she never had any luck. He was shocked like me and took the news hard. It’s the first time in 10 years that I’ve seen him cry. We scheduled a 2nd ultrasound for the next day to confirm and have photos printed. We learned they died at 11weeks 3 days and 12 weeks 3 days. I thought about what I was doing back then. How could I not wonder if I had caused this? I had kept a diary of my diet and how I was feeling, and planned to check it when I got home. The ultrasound photos were so precious to us. My husband gave copies to his mom who covered her mouth in shock when she saw them. There was lots of crying and sadness, but also joy that we’ll one day see the babies again in heaven. I opted for a natural miscarriage. Two days later we got to see our twins. I had cramps for 1.5 hours that increased in severity. I got up to pee, but my husband was worried about losing the babies down the toilet. He insisted I use our portable camping potty.

After peeing I sat there a minute or two longer and felt one gush, followed by a second gush 30 seconds later. It had felt like only water had passed, but when I looked down I saw the placenta still half way inside me and one twin dangling by the umbilical cord!

I finished pushing everything out and my husband cut the cord (something he felt too squeamish about with our first child). I located the other twin (still partially inside the sac) and washed them both off. I couldn’t believe we were holding our babies in our hands. They looked so peaceful and I was glad they had each other, that they didn’t die alone. We took pictures immediately and were so thankful for the opportunity to see our babies. I had read tips about taking photos in water and those turned out especially beautiful. We were also glad to know the sex of the babies (they were boys). We named them Jonathan and Ethan.  It would’ve been so wonderful to know the them… to have them be a part of our family. They will be forever in our hearts. I wrote the attached momento for their baby book (complete with their tiny footprints).

Told by: Andrea

We found out I was pregnant with our second pregnancy at the end of October. I felt nauseous three days before I was even late for my period so I had a feeling we got pregnant right away. Sure enough, 4 days later, I tested positive.

I was feeling increasingly tired each day, and was not concerned that this would end in miscarriage. At 7.5 weeks, I went in for our first ultrasounds, and just like my first pregnancy, all we could see was the yolk sac. My NMW was concerned about a blighted ovum and told me to come back a week later, as I was only measuring on the cusp of 6 weeks- which would still be normal to not see the fetal pole and heartbeat. I came back a week later without my husband as he had to work, and lo and behold…there were now TWO yolk sacs, two fetal poles, and one baby with a beating heart. While I was sad that one didn’t have a heartbeat, it was also measuring smaller, so we thought perhaps by the next ultrasound it would catch up. I also knew vanishing twins is common, and was prepared for that.

I continued to feel pregnant (aka ill), so again- I was not prepared for what lay ahead. We took our almost 3 year old daughter to our next ultrasound 1 week later and I was immediately uncomfortable. I can’t tell you why- I still don’t know. I just had an icky feeling. I saw right away that the babies hadn’t grown at all, and that the one baby that did have a beating, appeared to have lost the heartbeat somewhere right after our previous appointment. I still didn’t believe it.

They sent me up to OB and I had to wait for a doctor whom I’ve never met to tell me that I had lost the pregnancy. She had looked back through all the previous ultrasounds and noticed that it wasn’t growing as we would expect, and that the heart rate was low which can indicate miscarriage. She informed me that I had the option to do a D&C, or wait to miscarry on my own. I opted to wait to miscarry on my own. I had given birth before, I wanted to say goodbye in the privacy of my own home. So, I went home and cried.

I cried all the way home. I felt grief that I didn’t expect to feel- after all, I barely knew these two little ones existed- how could my heart hurt so much? But, I was experiencing the loss of hope, the loss of a dream, the loss of a future part of our family and I felt it.

After a week, I had gradually lost all of my symptoms. I was only having twinges of cramping and some very light spotting, so I went to my Naturopathic MD who gave me some homeopathic medications that would basically start a period (or induce labor if the pregnancy is unviable). About 4 days after that I started having heavy HARD cramping, and I began to miscarry.

It was so much more painful than I thought- it was a full on labor, not just a heavy period. I was not prepared for that. It was about 8-9 hours of off and on heavy, hard contractions, and then I would lose some tissue, rest, start all over again. The bleeding was pretty heavy, so I ended up going to urgent care, who then sent me to the ER to do an ultrasound to make sure the miscarriage was complete.

Thankfully, by the time I got there, I had passed everything on my own and had no need for a D&C. The real grief hit me the next day- that huge drop in hormones. Boy. That was so tough. I just couldn’t stop crying- but I let myself feel it all. All the anger, sadness, hurt, loss. These were mine, after all. And they are no longer.

Then came the awkward situations that would stir up heartache- hearing others announce their pregnancy at the time I would have, seeing announcements of a due date that was the same as mine. Just having to be reminded that I am not pregnant anymore. It is so hard. But, I do believe we will have more children. I have a lot of hope in that.

Told by: Andrea

I found out I was pregnant in the 3rd week of October, 2013. We were so excited!!

It didn’t take us any time at all to get pregnant. My numbers were rising steadily and I felt pregnant- my boobs hurt, was nauseous, extremely exhausted, etc. All of those “reassuring” sick feelings.

I went in at 7.5 weeks from my LMP and had the internal ultrasound. At that point, all we saw was the yolk sac. This had happened in my first pregnancy (of which we have a healthy, thriving 3 year old girl) so I was not worried. I also ovulate late, so I figured my dating would be off. I came in 1 week later and was so nervous! I was SHOCKED to see two little yolk sacs with their little bodies forming. Only one had a heartbeat at the time, the other was measuring a few days behind. But all looked good. My Midwife called me later that day and told me that the heart rate was a little low, but it could also be normal- it was too early to tell. She continued to monitor my HCG which at that point was VERY high due to twin pregnancy, and we were instructed to come back in 10 days to see how things were going.

My husband took the day off, and our daughter came with us. Immediately- I felt ill at ease. I can’t tell you why- I don’t know.

The tech didn’t say much but I could tell the babies had not grown, and at that point I should have been able to see their little nubs wiggling, as well as the heart fluttering like I had seen the week before. Again, she said nothing but “I need to go speak to our radiologist. I will be right back.” I was immediately angry.

I knew something was wrong. I was sent upstairs where they confirmed that neither baby was living and went over my options for a D&C, natural miscarriage, etc. I wanted to do this in the privacy of my home because I didn’t know what kind of emotions I would be experiencing at that time. I kept it together in the doctor’s office but cried the whole way home.

I had just ordered our Christmas cards which were our pregnancy announcement. Now I had to throw them away. Then began the wait for my body to recognize that I was no longer pregnant. I can’t really describe that feeling- anger, sadness, pain…and around those three again for a while. I began to take evening primrose oil to help soften my cervix (in case I ended up needing a D&C, I knew it would help open things up as it had in my previous pregnancy.) I waited, and thankfully my husband was home. I began having intense contractions. I was not prepared for that, as it ended up being more like true labor than a heavy period.

I had contractions for about an hour- very painful, couldn’t breathe contractions. I sneezed and felt my water break. Things quieted down and I kept my eye on the tissue coming out. I was in the “zone” so to speak and didn’t feel a whole lot of emotion at the time. I continued to pass quite a bit of tissue and then felt stronger contractions coming on at which time I passed what I think was probably the amniotic sac and babies. I started to feel nauseous and dizzy and to my great grief- I was not able to see them. I would have loved to have held them-just once, as tiny as they were.

It didn’t really hit me emotionally until the next day. I was so sore. So exhausted. So sad. I could barely hold my daughter. I was not prepared for the sense of loss I would feel- and still feel today. As the symptoms began to leave one by one. And I would find that the littlest thing would bring tears to my eyes- how much I would still love to be pregnant today. My motto is one day at a time. I am allowing myself the grace to feel everything that comes, as that is the only way we gain meaning from such a dreadful experience.