My Daughter was Ordained // The SBD® Doula

Told by: Katie

This is my miscarriage story. When we found out I was carrying our third child after only one cycle of not preventing pregnancy, we were thrilled! My husband said it is pretty awesome, but also pretty ridiculous, how fast I can get pregnant (our second child was also conceived in our first cycle of trying.) After two boys with my red hair and fair skin, I was really hoping for a girl with my husband’s dark features. I didn’t start prenatal care right away since it was so early–I got my first faintly positive test at 10 days after ovulation–and I wasn’t sure if I would be able to afford a midwife this time around or go with the doctor I had seen before. I was 10 weeks, 5 days when I went to my first prenatal appointment. This being my third pregnancy, my bump was already starting to show, at least to me, and I brought my boys with me since I was pretty sure we would be able to hear the heartbeat at that point.

I love my doctor’s office…family practice, and very small. The one nurse had pulled my records earlier and looked over them so she was familiar with what we had and hadn’t wanted with my last pregnancy. My doctor came in and got more info from me, and did a pelvic exam. She told me my uterus was right on for the date of conception I had given her, and the mood was so joyful and excited! I was thrilled to be in that office again and couldn’t wait for my doctor to pull out her Doppler so we could take a listen to our sweet little one.

My 5-year-old asked “Where’s the cold jelly?” since I had told him about how the doctor would listen to the baby’s heartbeat. I am always just a little nervous when the doctor first puts the Doppler on my stomach, just for a few seconds until she finds the baby. This time, it was taking longer than usual (I don’t have a tilted uterus, and my babies have always been more than willing to be found), and she was having to press harder to check further and further toward my back. It was getting painful. My son asked when we would hear the baby’s heartbeat and I just had to ask him to be patient. Finally, the doctor pulled away and told me gently that she should be able to find a heartbeat at this stage in the pregnancy. She knows that we have declined ultrasounds in the past, and told me we didn’t have to do one, but that it would answer our questions.

I agreed, got dressed, and the nurse moved me to the ultrasound room. The doctor came in, turned out the lights and turned on the monitor overhead so I could see what she was seeing. When she put the ultrasound wand to my stomach, and moved it back and forth a bit, I was confused to see…..nothing. I haven’t ever had an ultrasound, but I’ve seen enough pictures to know that there should be at least a little white blob inside the sac…my baby. But there was nothing.

She then told me that she was very sorry, it looked like I had experienced a blighted ovum…the baby stopped developing very early and now the sac was empty. My body still thought I was pregnant, but I would be having a miscarriage.

I felt pretty numb right then.

I didn’t immediately get upset because it just didn’t feel quite real yet. My son said he just wanted to know what was going on with the baby, but I just couldn’t tell him. I had blood drawn that afternoon, and a few days later, and at a followup appointment my doctor confirmed that my hCG levels were falling. She gave me the options for miscarrying, and I told her I wanted to let it happen naturally if at all possible. The next two weeks seemed to drag on. My belly was still growing, and getting harder to hide. Only a few people even knew I was pregnant, and I didn’t want anyone to notice me growing and ask questions.

I hated that I felt like I had to hide my belly…I have always loved being pregnant and growing with my baby. It was a very difficult time, feeling pregnant, looking pregnant, being “technically pregnant,” but knowing my baby was already gone. After spotting for about 5 days, at what would have been 12 weeks 6 days along, I started having stronger cramps, and heavy bleeding. I called my husband home from work, and that night I miscarried. I’m glad I allowed my body to do its own thing when it was ready, and that I was at home. It wasn’t nearly as horrible or painful as I was expecting. All in all I had about 5 hours of heavy bleeding and clots, and then it started to slow down.

My husband was with me the whole time, and our boys were in bed, so it was a peaceful, private experience that gave me the chance to say goodbye to my baby.

It was finally completely real….my little one was gone. I am still grieving….still missing my baby, but also hopeful for the future, and hoping that by sharing my story I can give comfort to someone else someday. Before I learned I was going to have a miscarriage, I had been having baby girl dreams, and feeling that this baby would be a girl. I named my baby Moriah Faith. Moriah means “ordained/considered by God” and I know my sweet little one was indeed considered by her creator from the moment she was conceived and through her brief, brief life.