Unconditional

During this time last year, I had an irresistible desire to make something tangible which other bereaved mothers could hold.  And it isn’t perfect, it’s chock full of grammatical errors, but I published my first book, The Invisible Pregnancy.

A month before the book went to print, however, I offered a preview as part of an exciting challenge to mothers, which I called The Grief Dare.  Each mother who participated received a free portion of the book and were instructed to simply respond how she felt best.  The Grief Dare was an arduous journey of opening up one’s relationship with her emotions, thoughts, spiritual beliefs and her spouse.  It was a difficult task to be a part of The Grief Dare, to say the least.  The giveaway itself was decided purely by endurance and transparency, not at all by perfection or by any other measure.

What incentive did I offer the participants?  A necklace and earring set, priced at $250, which was a gift to stillbirthday from the very special Dr. Laura Schlessinger (yes, really, the Dr. Laura).

The set is made with 18k gold ink, Amethyst, fresh water pearls, Vermiel caps, and beads.  With “FAITH” written in Scrabble letters on one side and beautiful cherubs on the other, the beautiful necklace is reversible and able to be worn both ways.

Why am I mentioning this a year later then, you might ask?

The mother who rightfully earned this necklace set, she did something extraordinary.

After completing her Grief Dare, Colleen gifted the necklace set right back to stillbirthday.

Just as the set was gifted to stillbirthday, unconditionally, the recipient challenged herself to her Grief Dare, unconditionally.

So I’ve held this beautiful set with this amazing history wondering how I can possibly honor the magnitude of what has already been put into it.

And I’ve decided we need another giveaway.

I’ve spent the first two years of stillbirthday keeping my face hidden from public, because I have wanted you to know that stillbirthday is yours.  But in the past few months I have felt your personal love, your personal acceptance of who I am, your invitation to remind me that I am not alone.

And so I come to you now to share with you where my heart is, to show you my face, to reveal to you what my personal Grief Dare is for 2014.

I have just one task before me, and I’m preparing for it with a timeframe – not just by the full landscape of the full year before me, but I’m breaking it down into much, much smaller portions.    Smaller than months, than weeks, than days.

My task set before me is this:  I am losing weight.

Not physical weight, you see, because physical weight is just that, it’s physical.  My hunger runs much deeper; down to the depths of my soul I have an appetite that has been tormented by unhealth.  I have consumed and fed it junk for far too long.  I must decide to ingest sustenance.

I am going to release the weight of fear.

The fear of being accountable to the littleness that I am.

But also, even more than that?  The fear of being accountable to the greatness that I am.

Together I will call this, my journey to honor my little greatness.

So I’ve layed out my long term vision, that by the end of 2014 I hope to have a certainty in this truth much deeper than I do today.

And I’ve layed out my meal plan in the smaller portions, the consumable bites, the moment-by-moment manna.  This that I need, slimming it down to even just one word, that I can keep in my mind and ready on my tongue, absolutely whenever I need to take a bite of it:

Unconditional.

I am able to receive love, this very moment.  Love, unconditional.

I am able to give love, this very moment, Love, unconditional.

I am able to be love, this very moment.  Love, unconditional.

Even in imperfections, mistakes, weaknesses, even in the moments – the long moments – when I fear that I am not able, I will learn to believe this:

I am secure.  Oh, yes this.

I am secure, unconditional.

This, this is what I am most afraid to believe.  This, though, is what I most desperately need to know.

I am aware that I will need to feed this new mantra of mine to make sure it will sustain me for the whole of next year.  And so I am thrilled to unpack a weight of my fear right here, right now, to tell you:

I’m beginning counseling.

My background in social work, my love for doula work, my passion for stillbirthday, my adoration for my family, my faith in God, these things are valuable treasures that have helped hold me on through the many challenges I have faced both in and out of stillbirthday.  But like the newest member at the local gym, nothing quite beats having a session or ten with a personal trainer; someone who can see you for you, where you’re at, and where you truly desire to be.  And you can bet you’ll be hearing about my newest adventures!

So what about you?

When the easier way to deal with things gets peeled back, when your scabbed wounds are re-exposed, re-examined, what in your life do you need to know is unconditional?  What do you need to know so that those broken places can receive the true, penetrating, healing care they need, cleansed in mercy, wrapped in love?

Unconditional.

Tell me about it at our Unconditional event page, and share how you will train, dare I say condition your soul to be satisfied by the true goodness of this healthy mantra and how you will plan to resist the indulgence of stuffing on insecurities, of setting silent expectations of others and unrealistic demands on your weary soul and how you will release the weight of your fears to find authentic joy and the lightness of love.

I am terrified for this journey, but for the first time in a very long time, I am allowing myself to be so very excited precisely because of that.

I will laugh at the days to come, I will believe that I am loved, I will know that I am secure, unconditional.  This is not past tense, with the benefit of time to offer a temporary balm to my racing heart.  This is me.  Starting, right, now.

Let us begin.

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