And I Felt It

Told by: Andrea

We found out I was pregnant with our second pregnancy at the end of October. I felt nauseous three days before I was even late for my period so I had a feeling we got pregnant right away. Sure enough, 4 days later, I tested positive.

I was feeling increasingly tired each day, and was not concerned that this would end in miscarriage. At 7.5 weeks, I went in for our first ultrasounds, and just like my first pregnancy, all we could see was the yolk sac. My NMW was concerned about a blighted ovum and told me to come back a week later, as I was only measuring on the cusp of 6 weeks- which would still be normal to not see the fetal pole and heartbeat. I came back a week later without my husband as he had to work, and lo and behold…there were now TWO yolk sacs, two fetal poles, and one baby with a beating heart. While I was sad that one didn’t have a heartbeat, it was also measuring smaller, so we thought perhaps by the next ultrasound it would catch up. I also knew vanishing twins is common, and was prepared for that.

I continued to feel pregnant (aka ill), so again- I was not prepared for what lay ahead. We took our almost 3 year old daughter to our next ultrasound 1 week later and I was immediately uncomfortable. I can’t tell you why- I still don’t know. I just had an icky feeling. I saw right away that the babies hadn’t grown at all, and that the one baby that did have a beating, appeared to have lost the heartbeat somewhere right after our previous appointment. I still didn’t believe it.

They sent me up to OB and I had to wait for a doctor whom I’ve never met to tell me that I had lost the pregnancy. She had looked back through all the previous ultrasounds and noticed that it wasn’t growing as we would expect, and that the heart rate was low which can indicate miscarriage. She informed me that I had the option to do a D&C, or wait to miscarry on my own. I opted to wait to miscarry on my own. I had given birth before, I wanted to say goodbye in the privacy of my own home. So, I went home and cried.

I cried all the way home. I felt grief that I didn’t expect to feel- after all, I barely knew these two little ones existed- how could my heart hurt so much? But, I was experiencing the loss of hope, the loss of a dream, the loss of a future part of our family and I felt it.

After a week, I had gradually lost all of my symptoms. I was only having twinges of cramping and some very light spotting, so I went to my Naturopathic MD who gave me some homeopathic medications that would basically start a period (or induce labor if the pregnancy is unviable). About 4 days after that I started having heavy HARD cramping, and I began to miscarry.

It was so much more painful than I thought- it was a full on labor, not just a heavy period. I was not prepared for that. It was about 8-9 hours of off and on heavy, hard contractions, and then I would lose some tissue, rest, start all over again. The bleeding was pretty heavy, so I ended up going to urgent care, who then sent me to the ER to do an ultrasound to make sure the miscarriage was complete.

Thankfully, by the time I got there, I had passed everything on my own and had no need for a D&C. The real grief hit me the next day- that huge drop in hormones. Boy. That was so tough. I just couldn’t stop crying- but I let myself feel it all. All the anger, sadness, hurt, loss. These were mine, after all. And they are no longer.

Then came the awkward situations that would stir up heartache- hearing others announce their pregnancy at the time I would have, seeing announcements of a due date that was the same as mine. Just having to be reminded that I am not pregnant anymore. It is so hard. But, I do believe we will have more children. I have a lot of hope in that.