I Feel His Presence

Told by: Angela

I have had 5 pregnancies and only have three living children. My first pregnancy I was 16 years old and had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. My second I had a beautiful baby boy at 17 years old, full term and healthy. My third I had another beautiful boy at 21 years old it was a great pregnancy but resulted in emergency C-section, so my next was a scheduled section and it went really well, healthy baby boy at 23 years old. So when I got pregnant again June of 2013 is when we found out, I wasn’t expecting anything to go wrong. I was hoping for a girl this time around, plus my pregnancy was completely different from the boys, I was sick all the time and couldn’t eat or sleep.

I got the flu in December and went to the ER they said all was well with me and the baby. We didn’t have insurance throughout the pregnancy so I didn’t see a doctor the entire time. I started having what I thought was Braxton hicks in February, they were very strong but weren’t lasting very long or close together so I didn’t think I needed to go in yet. I lost some of my mucus plug but my water hadn’t broken yet. March 12th, my husband was working graveyards, I realized I hadn’t felt my baby move since the day before, it was like all the sudden it dawned on me, I felt like an idiot. I tried everything to get the baby to move, laying on my left side eating sweets even drank a soda, nothing worked.

I felt so defeated and devastated. I knew my baby was gone, I lay in bed all night holding my bulging baby belly and crying.

My husband got home the next morning and we got a babysitter for the older boys and went in to the L&D. They tried finding baby’s heart and could not find it so they did an ultrasound, they thought they found a very weak heartbeat and there was no amniotic fluid, the doc kept asking me if my water had broke and I finally yelled at him no! so he rushed me into surgery, when they put me to sleep I was praying to God, please let my baby be ok.

I woke up to the pediatric nurse and my doctor hovering over me telling me my baby boy didn’t make it. I was so lost and confused, I couldn’t believe what they were saying. Finally they took me to my husband, he was alone and crying and scared. They finally explained to me (they had already talked to him) that the baby had a hole in his heart, severe swelling of the brain and most likely was Down Syndrome (which would have been just fine with me) plus the cord was wrapped around his neck loosely.

I was in shock.  They said that he wouldn’t have made it on the life flight to the nearest big city that could actually do the surgeries he needed, plus his chances of making it through those were very low.

They brought him into the room and I just held him sobbing, my husband wouldn’t touch him; he was really afraid. We only took three pictures of him.  I regret not taking more, I also regret not having my older children come and meet their baby brother. We had him cremated and now his body is at home with us and around my neck, I wish everyday that he was in my arms instead. Sometimes I can feel his presence with me. I blame myself everyday for not knowing something was wrong sooner. Thank you all for listening, I hope my story can help someone else. Sterling Holden March 13th, 2014 5lbs 12oz 18inches We will love you Forever and Always