Told by: Lori

They were gone before I knew there were there… before I knew there were two. My beautiful twin babies. I went in for my first prenatal appointment at 18 weeks. I had a feeling something was wrong because my belly wasn’t growing. And I was spotting. And my heartburn had suddenly subsided weeks ago. I sat in the ultrasound room alone for 20 minutes, staring at the blank screen. I wondered what it would show. I thought about all the other women who had looked at that same screen. I thought about all the emotion-filled moments of joy and sorrow they had experienced. The midwife who greeted me was very kind and asked about my concerns. She applied the gel and waited awhile before delivering the news in a very gentle voice, “I’m looking for movement and, unfortunately, I don’t see any. I’m SO sorry… But what I do see is 2 babies”.

I was shocked and teary-eyed immediately. There were two cords and one placenta, which she confirmed meant they would’ve been identical twins. I was anxious to tell my husband the news. His mom is a twin and always wanted twin grandchildren. With 22 grandkids she never had any luck. He was shocked like me and took the news hard. It’s the first time in 10 years that I’ve seen him cry. We scheduled a 2nd ultrasound for the next day to confirm and have photos printed. We learned they died at 11weeks 3 days and 12 weeks 3 days. I thought about what I was doing back then. How could I not wonder if I had caused this? I had kept a diary of my diet and how I was feeling, and planned to check it when I got home. The ultrasound photos were so precious to us. My husband gave copies to his mom who covered her mouth in shock when she saw them. There was lots of crying and sadness, but also joy that we’ll one day see the babies again in heaven. I opted for a natural miscarriage. Two days later we got to see our twins. I had cramps for 1.5 hours that increased in severity. I got up to pee, but my husband was worried about losing the babies down the toilet. He insisted I use our portable camping potty.

After peeing I sat there a minute or two longer and felt one gush, followed by a second gush 30 seconds later. It had felt like only water had passed, but when I looked down I saw the placenta still half way inside me and one twin dangling by the umbilical cord!

I finished pushing everything out and my husband cut the cord (something he felt too squeamish about with our first child). I located the other twin (still partially inside the sac) and washed them both off. I couldn’t believe we were holding our babies in our hands. They looked so peaceful and I was glad they had each other, that they didn’t die alone. We took pictures immediately and were so thankful for the opportunity to see our babies. I had read tips about taking photos in water and those turned out especially beautiful. We were also glad to know the sex of the babies (they were boys). We named them Jonathan and Ethan.  It would’ve been so wonderful to know the them… to have them be a part of our family. They will be forever in our hearts. I wrote the attached momento for their baby book (complete with their tiny footprints).