Heidi Faith // Page 61 // The SBD® Doula

Speak Your Dialect Giveaway

October 13, 2013 by Heidi Faith Leave a Comment

A Giveaway!

Of the entire year, the climactic days of raising awareness of pregnancy & infant loss are upon us.

So I want to challenge you, I want to stretch you, to share about the aspects of your experience that are perhaps the most divisive.

We are all in this together, and we all have a right to healing.

During this week, we’ll be sharing perspectives, photos and stories, both here at the website and at our facebook page. And four random people will be drawn from all stories and photos to receive one of the four giveaway items.

In honor of last week’s Day of the Girl, October 11, a day to recognize justice issues that girls face, I’ll be giving away three tee shirts from Project Rescue, and one copy of their book, “Beyond the Shame”.

Project Rescue serves in India, voted the worst country in the world for women. They rescue women and children from the sexual trafficking of the red light district.

These young women become pregnant, endure miscarriage, stillbirth, give birth and endure forced abortion and all in the most horrendous of conditions.

I share this with you, because there are many differences among our experiences of pregnancy and infant loss: miscarriage, stillbirth, and so on.

These differences can be celebrated, but are too often divisive – becoming dark walls that trap us in and bind us to shame and unworthiness.

Here are a couple of examples:

A mother gives birth on the cusp of miscarriage and stillbirth. Her baby is called a miscarriage, although she defines her experience as a stillbirth.
A mother contemplates elective abortion, but then has a miscarriage. Now she feels she is to blame.
A mother gives birth via elective abortion, but she tells you she had a miscarriage.

There are many, many aspects of our experiences that can seem isolating and even shaming. And it can seem like the furthest thing we want to do is to share these things, but I want to stretch you, I want to invite you, to consider the freeing opportunity there is in speaking into our shame. Daring to share what others may not yet be able to, holding your hand out to them that they can be released from the bondage of isolation, that they can believe in healing, that they can trust in hope.

If there is an aspect to your experience that you say, “That part is just too painful, others will not understand, I am all alone” I want to reach out and take your hand. I want to whisper to your hurting heart that you are not alone, that your dignity is intact, that there is support for exactly that very part of your experience. And I want to ask you, if you’d consider, sharing this part with others. You can even do it anonymously. Our sharing page gives you my email to do so (Heidi.faith@stillbirthday.info).

Please share your story by using our sharing page, and all stories will be entered into our giveaway, which will close and names will be drawn on Sunday, October 20th. This opportunity is open to every share made as a comment below, made in individual stories through our sharing page, and the stories and comments shared through our facebook page. It is also open internationally.

And, if you do not feel there is a specific element of shame hidden in your experience, please, I implore you, stay near to stillbirthday, here and at our facebook page, over the next several days, as the stillbirthday community dares to break free from bondage holding us in darkness. Please, be ready, with a warm heart, with lots of validation, with lots of love. Your encouraging words enter you into the giveaway as well.

Come, let us cast out shame. Speak your dialect.

Let us heal, together.

About the giveaway items:

I purchased the book and 3 tee shirts from Project Rescue. Entire proceeds of these shirts go toward the needs of girls and women in brothels in India. The shirts are red, and are in one of each size: small, medium and large. The sizing is similar to (but in my opinion just a smidgen smaller than) men’s sizes. The first name selected will have first choice, and so on. If a name is selected and the tee shirt sizing does not match, arrangements will be made to get the right sizing, although the color may be different.

If you have already shared a stillbirthday story that includes this element of darkness we are shining light into, you can simply comment below with the link to your story to be entered into the giveaway.

Filed Under: all, Giveaways & Updates

Karen Bradley, SBD

October 12, 2013 by Heidi Faith Leave a Comment

Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula® serving Phoenix, Arizona

email: KarenBradley.SBD@stillbirthday.info

Karen Bradley is a single mother of 8 children, with 21 years separating the youngest from the oldest. Four of her children were born at home (including twins,) and three were adopted internationally. She lost her third child to miscarriage, at 13 weeks, and the following year, she lost her twin daughter during labor, at 39 weeks. She is the founder of The House of Timothy , a non profit 501 (c)(3) organization, that provides free doula support, and parent education to families in the Greater Phoenix area.

website
Facebook
Email: kbradley@houseoftimothy.org

Discover what the SBD credentialed doula has achieved.

Filed Under: Trained & Certified SBD Doulas

Both On My Heart

October 10, 2013 by Heidi Faith Leave a Comment

Shared by: Erin

Mothering your mourning while mothering your “twinless twin” is HARD. It is a delicate dance of sorrow and joy.

Here is Grace and Baylie, twins, still together.

Filed Under: Mothering Our Mourning, Still Together

Keaton

October 10, 2013 by Heidi Faith 1 Comment

Shared by: Lynne

You started out as a tiny miracle Made from the deepest love I’ve ever known

Every minute you were with me Growing and kicking inside your private home

At night I would wonder who you’d look like And map out all of our plans

I would go over every single detail From a baby boy to a great big man

Don’t eat this, don’t drink that I watched everything I did

You were going to be perfect and healthy Just the greatest little kid

Who could ask for anything more My life was all complete

A loving husband, a warm home, and a baby My heart could not miss a beat

Then things got so confusing Things got way out of hand

They told me there was no heart beat And I just could not understand

Seven months of love you gave me The most precious days of your life

I will never ever forget you Even though you are out of my sight

I do nothing but wander around Searching for a clue

Trying to figure out what happened And wondering what I should do

I ask the Heavens above to forgive me Oh please Lord, what have I done

It’s so hard for me to face the day Because you were still my son

I Love and Miss You,

Mommy

[slideshow gallery_id=”1″]

Filed Under: Love Letters to My Baby

Waiting to Exhale

October 10, 2013 by Heidi Faith Leave a Comment

Pregnancy after loss is often called a “rainbow pregnancy”, although you might not see the color just yet.

It can feel quite a lot like “Please, just get us both through this alive.”

It can feel like you’re waiting to exhale.

For encouragement and strength for your journey, please visit our Getting Pregnant Again resources, articles and stories.

Filed Under: Beyond Words (art/photos), Getting Pregnant Again, Holding Umbrellas, Mothering Our Mourning

Four Words to Skip

October 10, 2013 by Heidi Faith Leave a Comment

It can take a whole lot of courage to reach through darkness and ask for help.

Consider a frantic call to 911. It might go something like this:

~~~

Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”

You: (frantically blurting out the immediate situation)

Dispatcher: ****

“Please stay on the line, while I dispatch an officer to your location.”

****

There’s a certain number of things your dispatcher will do in this space. He or she will want to get information about your environment, including the danger(s) you are in and who all might be involved. He or she will need identifying information from you so that the officer(s) will know a little more of what to expect upon arrival. What are you wearing? Where are you exactly? And he or she will want to assist in any temporary safety until the officer(s) get there – guiding with CPR, for example.

~~~

So let’s translate that to a different kind of cry for help.

“Will you pray for me?”

I’ve heard it, I’ve seen it, I’ve asked it myself.

I’ve seen people ask for help, and, I have seen other people simply assume that this is the help that someone is asking for. And so they respond like this:

“I’ll pray for you.”

I’ll pray for you.

As a praying person myself, I have a few fundamental concerns with this phrase.

Because, it is a phrase.

It is a shallow response.

I’ll pray for you.

Really? When?

Because we are so easily distracted in this fast paced world, what is the likelihood of remembering a 30 second interaction when you do carve out your prayer time?

Why does the prayer need to wait until then?

How many times will you remember to pray for the person?

What, exactly, will you be praying for?

Does the person want you to pray for them? Does the person want you to pray for what you’re praying for?

And how is the person expected to respond? A retort like this, in basic conversational structure, automatically elicits a “thank you” from the requestor.

Thank you. The end. And now we all can move on.

“I’ll pray for you.”

It is a response that is not only insufficient to the recipient, but for those witnesses who are trying to sort out if prayer or praying people are even trustworthy, I can promise you that they are not too entirely impressed with this shallow response either. Not when they know what it’s like to seek real, urgent, tangible help like the 911 call example above.

It’s really about as efficient as leaving a tract as a tip for a waitress.

So, if someone has cried out for help and you have heard this cry, here is an alternative response:

“I want to know.”

Still four words, easy to lock in your mind. Practice them aloud right now:

“I want to know.”

If it’s social media, you can send the requestor a private message.

If it’s somewhere else, call the person on the phone. Or send them a card.

“I saw your cry for help. And I want to know, how to pray for you.”

Like the dispatcher, you aren’t just there to answer a call, but to actually respond to it.

Invite the person to offer more details. See how you can help in a very tangible way until stronger support arrives.

I saw your cry for help. And I want to know, what I can do in a tangible way to support you with what you’re facing.

And if the person simply has an unspoken need, you can pray for all of the circumstances surrounding it and all the people impacted by it, and still offer tangible support.

It’s like leaving a tract if you want to, but offering 20% of the tab, too.

Because we might not live on bread alone, but Jesus sure said pretty clearly “You feed them!” in Matthew 14:15-16 (and incidentally, multiplied the bread).

Here’s 5 tips to skip “I’ll pray for you”:

If someone has asked you for prayer, pray right then.
Ask if there is a specific need or answer they are praying for. “I want to know…”
Let them hear, see or know what you are praying for.
Ask if there is a specific need or answer that you can tangibly respond to or help fulfill. “I was thinking…. would this be helpful to you?”
Check back in with them and ask if there is an update to the situation, and start back at one.

You can visit our support for loved ones for more guidance in supporting your grieving loved one.

Filed Under: all, Friends & Family, Outside Insight / P.R.

Fasting for Life

October 10, 2013 by Heidi Faith 1 Comment

We are in the month of October.

October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance month, as declared by President Ronald Reagan in 1988 – 25 years ago.

And October 15 is a specific day set aside as an international remembrance day for all babies who are not alive.

While there are vigils, balloon releases, lantern lightings and our own hearts release event, some individuals and families just aren’t ready to step out into the public wearing the intentional sleeve of remembrance.

And that’s OK.

I want to share with you, something that I often do as mothers honor me with the news that they are pregnant but not telling anyone else yet, or that they are somewhere in their pregnancy with a live baby and feeling particularly frightful or anxious, or that their labor is drawing near.

I fast.

For life.

Fasting is a spiritual experience of consecrating yourself, of devoting your time and your attention to leaning in hard to God.

It is a special communion, just between you and God. You don’t have to go out and proclaim anything, you don’t have to talk about it, you don’t have to tell anybody. But, you should prepare for it.

If the idea of challenging yourself to grow spiritually and to speak to God about the burdens of your heart, namely, pregnancy and infant loss, stirs something of intrigue, I hope that this little note can help guide you as you follow that tugging on your heart.

Perhaps it can be your way of honoring October 15 – or, it can be any day, or series of days, you want to set aside to be intentional with your burden for pregnancy and infant loss, and your longing to find healing, to feel life.

There are many ways to fast, many opportunities to fast, and through choosing both the duration of the fast and the items of the fast, you can find safe ways of incorporating individual health challenges or needs. The ways two individuals fast may not look exactly the same, although there are some foundational basics that most all fasting include.

There are generally two points involved:

You are engaging in conversation with God. This conversation includes your praising Him, authentically. It includes your asking forgiveness for your own sins. These two can be especially painful and difficult as you may have some real anger, confusion and distrust of God after loss. I get it. I promise, I do. This is not about being thankful that your baby died. No, no way, not at all. It IS about searching for the legacy your baby left behind. This conversation time also includes presenting your needs before Him. And it includes listening.
The second point actually comes first, and it involves clearing a space in your life, in your heart and in your mind, so that you can more clearly engage in conversation with God. This is where fasting comes in. Preparing for your time of fasting helps limit your temptation to break it (and you will be tempted).

For those who haven’t really had much exposure to spiritual principles such as fasting, I do want to note that fasting isn’t bribery with a higher being, and it’s not conditional and not exactly outcome oriented. And while it might seem on the outset that fasting is a kind of “denying”, a taking away in your life, it really isn’t. Instead it is a “making more room”. Making room, to be so bold as to praise. Making room, to find the courage to ask. Making room, to dare to trust.

Making room, to be filled.

Really, filled.

For my own fast for life, I follow something close to the Daniel Fast. Here is a helpful website for you to learn more about the menu involved (yes, there is a menu involved).

One more note to those who may not be very familiar with the concept. If in your bereavement a festering to harm yourself has grown, perhaps food fasting won’t be for you. There are plenty other things to fast from, and, there are plenty other ways to honor pregnancy and infant loss and the journey toward healing.

And, it’s so very important not just to roll through a series of steps, but to allow yourself to engage in the journey. I am very intentional about the items I consume during this consecrated time:

Water

John 4:14 – But whosoever drinketh of the water that I shall give him shall never thirst; but the water that I shall give him shall be in him a well of water springing up into everlasting life.
Ezekiel 36:25 – Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you.
John 7:38 – He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.
Isaiah 49:10 – They shall not hunger nor thirst; neither shall the heat nor sun smite them: for he that hath mercy on them shall lead them, even by the springs of water shall he guide them.
Revelation 22:1 – And he shewed me a pure river of water of life, clear as crystal, proceeding out of the throne of God and of the Lamb.
Revelation 22:17 – And the Spirit and the bride say, Come. And let him that heareth say, Come. And let him that is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take the water of life freely.

Born in the caul, also called an Angel Birth.

And as I drink of my clear, clean cleansing water, I dwell on babies living in the waters of their mothers wombs.

Living Food

There is some debate about what foods are living, which the Bible seems to promote and which the Bible seems not to. If you are considering a fast, again I say, that your journey is as unique as your relationship with God. You can determine for yourself just what foods – or anything else, in fact! – that you might abstain from as you make room to be filled with more.

Whatever it is you are consuming – through digestion, through your attention, through your finances – whatever it is, the most important thing is the deliberate consuming to be filled. Really filled.

Nourished by something that sustains you.

Fed by something you can live by.

Fueled with invigoration, health, renewal and life.

As I wait until darkness falls to eat nutritious food to my belly aching’s desire, I meditate on babies eating in the darkness of “the hidden place”, receiving everything they need to sustain them from the messages of love they receive from the one they are within. Even with a grumbly belly at high noon, I know that I receive messages from the One I am within. And that no matter what, that message of love will never, ever cease. No matter what.

Breath

Job 33:4 – The Spirit of God has made me, and the breath of the Almighty gives me life.

Genesis 2:7 – Then the Lord God formed the man of dust from the ground and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life, and the man became a living creature.

I spend a great deal of time slowing my breath, becoming attune to the patterns, the rhythm of rising and falling, ingesting the simple, silent, invisible life juice we all swim in.

And I keep breathing,

hoping,

aching,

daring,

fasting for life.

Filed Under: Heidi's Pieces

Lauretta Clay, SBD

October 2, 2013 by Heidi Faith 1 Comment

Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula® serving Newark, Delaware

Doula Advisory Team Lead

email: LaurettaClay.SBD@stillbirthday.info

Website: Birth Beyond the Rainbow

On Facebook

Certified in Psychological First Aid

Lauretta Clay is a wife and a mother to 5 little girls and 4 angels. She lost her first baby to miscarriage at 7 1/2 weeks. It was that experience that started her ambition to help others dealing with the loss of their child(ren). It is her goal to support and show love to women birthing in any trimester and with any outcome. She donates her time and doula services to mothers who are experiencing a loss. Her areas of service are within a 50 mile radius of Newark, Delaware.

Discover what the SBD credentialed doula has achieved.

Filed Under: Trained & Certified SBD Doulas

Michelle Delp, SBD

October 1, 2013 by Heidi Faith 1 Comment

Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula® serving Pennsylvania

Email: MichelleDelp.SBD@stillbirthday.info

Michelle Delp, RN, ICCE, SBD

located in Bradford County, Pennsylvania

I am the mother of five.

Baby #4 was miscarried at ten weeks gestation in 1996. It was a long and lonely road, and I’ve been very conscious of how much loss families need support ever since then. Since 2000, when I was certified as a Childbirth Educator, I have been supporting families who have had pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or infant death on an informal basis. Stillbirthday offered me the opportunity to make that caring a bit more official, and furthered my education on the needs of grieving families. I am now able to add the service of a Stillbirthday Birth and Bereavement Doula to our small list of Bradford County, Pennsylvania, bereavement resources for local families.

Discover what the SBD credentialed doula has achieved.