Birth Friendly Workplace

How does a mother’s place of work impact her options when experiencing miscarriage?

The benefits of breastfeeding friendly workplaces are becoming more widely recognized and workplaces are creating intentional places for mothers to pump breastmilk while at work.  With a private room, comfortable chair and stool, and a mini refrigerator to store the milk, mothers can pump and work, both with efficiency.

While this seeming new trend may seem to speak directly to the new mothers with living babies, mothers who experience stillbirth also too experience lactation, and her pumping of her breastmilk is an option the newly bereaved mother may consider.

I believe that breastfeeding friendly workplaces are only a start to the incredible gaps in workplace support that mothers endure.  That there are substantial disparities in parental rights in the workplace is arguably no more glaringly apparent than the mother who is experiencing birth early in pregnancy.

Obstetricians know it.  The birth of a baby not alive in the first trimester can, without medical assistance, be quite unpredictable.  Labor can seem to start, then stall, then seem to disappear altogether, for hours or even days.  A mother may only know she’s in labor by the unanticipated blood she encounters.

Because this journey can seem to be an unpredictable, delayed, exaggerated stretch of torment, agony and blood, it can seem quite impractical for the mother to simply wait at home throughout the entire labor and birth of her beloved baby.

“I don’t want to give birth at work.”

This aspect of the mother’s life holds a substantial impact on a very intimate and important family decision.

And so mothers may choose D&C, a medically assisted birth.

D&C – in fact, all medically assisted birth options – are incredibly important and they are needed.

What I propose though, is that the family make a family decision that is not quite so greatly impacted by their workplace.

 

What would a birth friendly workplace look like?

Here are some special considerations for the mother who is able and chooses to labor without more medical assistance, and who spends some of that laboring while at work:

  • Time off however possible
  • FMLA for all families
  • Considerations for staff who need to work in uniform or dress code
  • An individual bathroom option (rather than or in addition to stalls)
  • Non-automatic flush
  • A family member or SBD doula to meet the mom at work
  • Someone at work who is SBD certified to build a company emergency kit and who can serve well

These are just a couple of ideas for a very complicated challenge both to the workplace and to families.  Because every single minute an American mother experiences miscarriage, we need to gain more awareness of how to support well.  We are all impacted and we all need to engage: individuals, neighbors, co-workers, medical staff, and more.  We all have an opportunity to participate to bring love into an impossible journey.

We have birth kit suggestion lists here at stillbirthday for birth in any trimester, and we have speakers who can present a workplace birth preparedness presentation to your place of work.

 

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The Courage to Christmas Shop

Each year, various organizations partner together to help community members purchase Christmas gifts for orphaned or needy children.

These are such wonderful and important opportunities for all of us to be reminded that we do have love to bring, and these opportunities are usually outlined to guide us to follow a few simple steps to bring tangible items to children who would cherish them.

I grew up in foster care.

Through the years, my name was on many lists for love to show up.

And love showed up.

 

The additionally personal opportunity – and challenge – for bereaved mothers, is the realization that we also have the opportunity to intentionally select gifts for a hurting child who is at or near the same age our child would be.

You don’t have to become that specific, of course.  But, the extension of endurance, the opportunity to stretch your courage, is there.

 

So this year, if you’re considering purchasing Christmas gifts for a child in need, I thought I’d share a few resources with you to help support this wonderful, but challenging, opportunity.

 

To Bring Love to Local Children

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Here are some ways you might get connected with “wish lists” of local orphaned or needy children:

  • Your local grocery store may have a Christmas tree with wish lists placed as ornaments on it.
  • Your local churches may have wish list information.
  • Your local children’s hospital may have a wish list for the children healing there.
  • Local children’s group homes or battered women’s shelters may have information if they have a website.
  • Do a simple google search for things like “Adopt an Angel ____” and enter in your city or town.
  • Salvation Army.
  • United Way.

Adopt an Angel” (Kansas, Kentucky, Nebraska, West Virginia)

If you’d like to be a part of this program, you can select the age and gender of the child, and Adopt an Angel will email you the details and the child’s Christmas wish list.  You can then mail your items either directly to Adopt an Angel or to stillbirthday headquarters, at: The M0M Center, 11117 N. Oak Trafficway, Kansas City MO 64155.

 

To Bring Love to International Children

There are various charity organizations that aim to bring support to children in different struggling conditions from various countries.

 

 

To Be Supported for Your Courage

Because intentionally shopping for gifts for a child, particularly if you’re choosing a child of the same age and/or gender as would be your beloved baby not alive, can be a healing but also a difficult thing to do, stillbirthday simply wants to thank you for your courage, and to offer to you that this doesn’t have to be something you do alone.

 

Meet Your SBD Doulas

If you are choosing to purchase items for an orphaned or needy child, please know that if you’d like, this can be a lovely time for you to meet your local stillbirthday doulas.  If you’d like to have a little moral support during your healing – but possibly challenging – shopping trip, you can view our listing of doulas, and see who is nearest to you.  Send the doula an email, and just tell her that you want to purchase Christmas gifts for an orphaned child, and the two of you can arrange a time when she can meet you at a store.  You can push the cart, make the selections and purchase the items for the Christmas wish list, and just have a chance to share your story with your doula.  She’ll just be there for you, simply to walk alongside you and listen, and to bring the tissues if needed.

This is a very individual, non-threatening and wonderful time for you simply to get to know your nearest SBD doulas, and to allow your story to be heard.

The gifts you purchase are about bringing joy and hope to a child.  But your decision to bring such joy and hope is about you.  It’s about your sacrifice, your courage, your love.  Your stillbirthday doula simply wants to bring some free and tangible validation to you for these things you bring.

For this opportunity to meet your nearest stillbirthday doula, please click here for our doula listing, and send a brief email to the nearest doulas (you can certainly email more than one).  Your doula won’t make any purchases but is simply there to be with you for a couple of hours to walk alongside you as you shop and listen as you share.

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October 25 Remembrance

It’s today!

 

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Thank you so very much to Jen Cantrell, SBD for capturing this photo of OUR FLAG flying over the US Capitol on October 25, 2014 in honor of Proclamation 5890!

Please click here to read Proclamation 5890.

What is Death Midwifery?

The global community of birth professionals continue to wrap love around the Gaskin family, and it is a time many of us who are birth doulas or birth midwives are drawing the parallels, some for the first time, between supporting during birth, and supporting during death.

But, there is a need for a clarification of terms, so I’d like to explain those.  Let’s step out of birth and death altogether for a moment and I’ll compare these terms to a life event that also has parallels – a wedding.

Maid/Matron of Honor – someone who provides emotional and moral support.  Someone who listens to you, assess what needs you might have, and presents you with options to choose from.  This person is most commonly a “she”, but, yours may not be; for our example she will be.  You can call her at midnight to tell her that you’re scared, or excited, or both, and she’ll remind you that no matter what, she is with you.  That you can do this.  She’ll remind you of your strengths, remind of your support, and she’ll rally the team together to strengthen and support you.  And if she’s really good, she’ll also have many of the same skills as your wedding planner.  If you’re not already super close before your big day, you’ll probably be close because of it.  That’s a doula.

Justice of Peace/Preacher/Chaplain – on the beautiful day, this is the person you stand in front of to deliver your commitment as a unit.  You pick this person out beforehand, making sure they see your vision and that they’re a good match for it.  You agree on the date, and you meet together.  You stand before this person on your big day.  You are the one making the vow, not this person.  But this person is essential in making sure your vow actually happens.  That’s a midwife.

Courthouse – let’s just toss this in there because even though it’s not the fun part, it is a formality.  Does your beloved have a criminal record?  Are you agreeing to a prenuptual agreement?  Do you file taxes?  The fine print.  The stuff that takes all the pretty out of your day and puts it into documentation.  The legal stuff.  For extreme simplicity’s sake, we’ll call that the hospital, the doctors, and/or the laws in your area surrounding your birthing choices.

I just don’t want the value of what Ina May Gaskin has brought to the birthing choices of mothers to become diluted as I’m seeing the mistakes in droves as people are comparing her experience right now to death midwifery, but doing so by erroneously speaking of the role of a “death midwife” as “bereavement doula“.

Here at stillbirthday, we train and certify both, birth & bereavement doulas, and, what others are calling death midwives – but we call ourselves midwives of thanatology.  So let me address these two terms.

A birth & bereavement doula provides support prior to birth, during birth, during the welcoming, during the farewell, and during the healing journey.  This support is provided in much of the same capacity as our maid of honor, looked at earlier.  You can learn more about our birth & bereavement doula certification program, here.

A midwife of thanatology, also provides support prior to birth, during birth, during the welcoming, during the farewell, and during the healing journey.  In fact, the SBD doula program is a prerequisite into the midwife of thanatology program.  But the midwife of thanatology is comparable to chaplain in the example above, and in fact we call this program our SBD Chaplaincy program.  A midwife of thanatology helps you exert your rights as you prepare for the event of your farewell.  Your local birth midwife knows your local laws regarding where you can birth, with whom, and under what laws.  Your local midwife of thanatology, knows your rights of sepulcher, knows the difference between hospital policy and local law regarding your time with your deceased beloved, knows where you might bury or cremate, and can officiate the farewell, exactly as a chaplain might speak at a funeral.

Let us all understand that birth doula and midwife are not the same, and neither is birth & bereavement doula and midwife of thanatology.  And let us understand that all of these roles are of tremendous value.

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This is what was shared via our facebook page yesterday:

“Ina May Gaskin is in many ways a trailblazer of non-medical childbirth options and is known as a mother of midwifery.
While the world celebrates her contributions to the options in childbirth, facilitating bonding and joy between mothers and newborns, her first birth resulted in her beloved newborn son, Christian, dying in her arms.
I honor Ina May not even for her work, but for her motherhood journey.
Today, everyone who celebrates Ina May for her contributions to birthing choices is gathering to pray and send healing thoughts as it is being reported that her beloved Stephen is nearing his death.
Ina May, I am so sorry for the death of your son, Christian.  Thank you for bringing joy to mothers through your own motherhood experiences, that you see the value of birth intrinsically, the value of mothers loving and connecting with our babies, no matter what, and for finding ways to facilitate that.
May these moments with your beloved Stephen now be filled with significance to you, even joy, and may you be given a space to just authentically honor your journey, free from the scrutiny and publicity that has chased you since your first birth, and may you just find spiritual and emotional rest in these moments as your beloved may be entering his.”

Security Public Storage

The investigative process in identifying SIDS can be an emotionally compounding and even traumatic one.

Families may be required during the investigation to store their baby’s items in public storage, or certain items might be gathered, collected as evidence, treasured keepsakes considered specimens of scrutiny.

Security Public Storage, through an employee at the Santa Rosa California location, donated hundreds of dollars to one such mother, whose babies items were stored there.  This mother was at risk of losing all of her baby’s items – they were scheduled to be auctioned if she could not remit the bill in full before Christmas day.

Upon hearing of our special SIDS stillbirthday mother’s situation, Tracy, the employee at Security Public Storage, contributed several hundred dollars to this mother’s bill, so that she can have her baby’s items returned to her.

Tracy, a bereaved mother herself, gave so selflessly, on behalf of her own two children, Jessica and Jeremy.

If Public Storage hasn’t been an aspect of your journey, it’s important to consider just how additionally challenging this aspect can be.

Thank you so much, Tracy and Security Public Storage of Santa Rosa, for setting the precedent that storage facilities might bring additional factors – deeply humbling, beautiful and healing factors – in our bereavement journey.

You can write a quick thank you to Tracy, something like this:

“Thank you Tracy, for reaching out to a mother in need.  I too am a bereaved mother and your selflessness in your own babies’ honor encourages me to do the same.  Sending you thanks from _____.”

(You don’t need to fill in any of the other boxes on their form.)

Related: Love Cupboards

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Four Words to Skip

It can take a whole lot of courage to reach through darkness and ask for help.

Consider a frantic call to 911.  It might go something like this:

~~~

Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”

You: (frantically blurting out the immediate situation)

Dispatcher: ****

“Please stay on the line, while I dispatch an officer to your location.”

****

There’s a certain number of things your dispatcher will do in this space.  He or she will want to get information about your environment, including the danger(s) you are in and who all might be involved.  He or she will need identifying information from you so that the officer(s) will know a little more of what to expect upon arrival.  What are you wearing?  Where are you exactly?  And he or she will want to assist in any temporary safety until the officer(s) get there – guiding with CPR, for example.

~~~

So let’s translate that to a different kind of cry for help.

“Will you pray for me?”

I’ve heard it, I’ve seen it, I’ve asked it myself.

I’ve seen people ask for help, and, I have seen other people simply assume that this is the help that someone is asking for.  And so they respond like this:

“I’ll pray for you.”

 

I’ll pray for you.

As a praying person myself, I have a few fundamental concerns with this phrase.

Because, it is a phrase.

It is a shallow response.

I’ll pray for you.

Really?  When?

Because we are so easily distracted in this fast paced world, what is the likelihood of remembering a 30 second interaction when you do carve out your prayer time?

Why does the prayer need to wait until then?

How many times will you remember to pray for the person?

What, exactly, will you be praying for?

Does the person want you to pray for them?  Does the person want you to pray for what you’re praying for?

And how is the person expected to respond?  A retort like this, in basic conversational structure, automatically elicits a “thank you” from the requestor.

Thank you.  The end.  And now we all can move on.

 

“I’ll pray for you.”

It is a response that is not only insufficient to the recipient, but for those witnesses who are trying to sort out if prayer or praying people are even trustworthy, I can promise you that they are not too entirely impressed with this shallow response either.  Not when they know what it’s like to seek real, urgent, tangible help like the 911 call example above.

It’s really about as efficient as leaving a tract as a tip for a waitress.

So, if someone has cried out for help and you have heard this cry, here is an alternative response:

“I want to know.”

Still four words, easy to lock in your mind.  Practice them aloud right now:

“I want to know.”

If it’s social media, you can send the requestor a private message.

If it’s somewhere else, call the person on the phone.  Or send them a card.

“I saw your cry for help.  And I want to know, how to pray for you.”

Like the dispatcher, you aren’t just there to answer a call, but to actually respond to it.

Invite the person to offer more details.  See how you can help in a very tangible way until stronger support arrives.

I saw your cry for help.  And I want to know, what I can do in a tangible way to support you with what you’re facing.

And if the person simply has an unspoken need, you can pray for all of the circumstances surrounding it and all the people impacted by it, and still offer tangible support.

It’s like leaving a tract if you want to, but offering 20% of the tab, too.

Because we might not live on bread alone, but Jesus sure said pretty clearly “You feed them!” in Matthew 14:15-16 (and incidentally, multiplied the bread).

 

Here’s 5 tips to skip “I’ll pray for you”:

 

  1. If someone has asked you for prayer, pray right then.
  2. Ask if there is a specific need or answer they are praying for.  “I want to know…”
  3. Let them hear, see or know what you are praying for.
  4. Ask if there is a specific need or answer that you can tangibly respond to or help fulfill.  “I was thinking…. would this be helpful to you?”
  5. Check back in with them and ask if there is an update to the situation, and start back at one.

 

You can visit our support for loved ones for more guidance in supporting your grieving loved one.

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Student Sharing

As we start a new class, inevitably friends and supporters of the SBD doula students want to have a peek, an inside view of what the student is learning, how the student is being challenged, and in what ways the student is being inspired.  Here is a place for SBD students themselves, to comment and share a bit of their journey.

Week 1: fertility, pre-conception, conception, diversity in beliefs about pregnancy, birth and loss

Week 2: prenatal bonding, nutrition, partners, physiology of childbirth in every trimester

Week 3: medical support options during childbirth in every trimester

Week 4: non-medical support options during childbirth in every trimester, birth plans, building a doula bag & networking

Week 5: physical postpartum in all experiences, NICU

Week 6: emotional postpartum in all experiences, hormones, grief

Week 7: mourning, the emotional experience of the doula

Week 8: the practical, professional and business aspects of the doula

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What is the SBD training?

A powerful interview of Elizabeth Petrucelli, author of All That is Seen and Unseen, was held by Denver Natural Mom. 
Click the link above or the photo below, and you can listen in.

DNM-single-line
Some of my favorite moments are:
“the ah, ha moment” at 10:00
Personal truth about bonding on 12:00
Doula: stoicism and performance/support fears at 13:00
“Even though it was a tough program on so many levels, it prepared me for what I do now.
I’ve taken other trainings but nothing is comparable to what I received from stillbirthday.” (minute 14)
What a birth & bereavement doula does – minute 15:15 – 23
Why and how SBD doulas benefit hospitals – minute 21-23
About mentoring – minute 21
“The bereavement doula is designed to help the family recover, but slowly.”
“The hospital can’t follow up as often as the bereavement doula can so this is an excellent way for hospitals to provide the highest level of support for families experiencing pregnancy and infant loss, and it is my hope that hospitals pick up on this idea and hire some.
This is one of my goals.”
“It is above and beyond what a hospital can provide without them.”

“Stillbirthday’s Birth & Bereavement Doula training is amazing. Heidi has created comprehensive materials that far exceeded my expectations and instilled in me a strong confidence to support loss parents during their darkest hour. The human touch she weaves into the training confirmed for me that I’d made the right decision in choosing stillbirthday for this experience.”
-Jaime Hogan, part-time volunteer SBD
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“Still Birth Day is an amazing program.  I highly suggest ALL doulas take it, regardless of who else you trained/certified through.”
-Shannon Sasseville, SBD trained doula
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“Please know that I have learned so much more in this course than I had hoped and than I had learned in my five years of university. It has been an absolutely amazing honour to have been given the opportunity to meet so many wonderful women and to acquire all of this extensive knowledge. I cannot say enough about Stillbirthday and I am so incredibly thankful that my journey through grief led me to this opportunity. I truly feel that this is my calling and I will forever be indebted to you for all you do and for giving me the tools that I need to follow my dream. Thank you so much!”
-Jasmin Herchak, SBD student
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“Stillbirthday is a refuge for the heart, a safe haven where unconditional love abounds, a place of solace. I am honored to be a SBD doula. My motherhood journey began with a pregnancy loss. The loss of my baby shaped me in very profound ways. It was out of this loss that I felt compelled to take the training and become certified to help other families in their time of grief and mourning. As a SBD doula I am able to support birth in any trimester with any outcome. At Stillbirthday a pregnancy loss is still a birthday. It is a community where resources can be found for birthing plans, farewell celebrations and bereavement support. When I had my miscarriage I did not know anyone who had suffered the same loss. My arms were empty, my eyes were full of tears and my heart was so very heavy. I sought comfort in my faith in God. I knew he was the creator of the life in my womb. 2 Corinthians 1:4 says He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. It is my desire to comfort others in their time of need. Stillbirthday is like balm for the grieving soul. Stillbirthday has equipped me to walk out the desire of my heart in a tangible and meaningful way. If you are in need of compassion because you have experienced loss or if you are interested in becoming a birth and bereavement doula please visit www.stillbirthday.info a place where all are welcome and loved.”
-Holly Lowmiller, SBD published at PaxBaby
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“In my opinion, stillbirthday is one of the most rigorous available. Furthermore, the inclusion of miscarriage and stillbirth information provides a firm foundation for helping clients through unexpected outcomes.”
-Summer Thorp-Lancaster, SBD student
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“Many people don’t understand the enormity of this training. It’s 8 weeks (you have 12 to finish it) and it can be completely overwhelming. So many people NEED the 12 weeks to complete it. I have never taken training like this before. I would say it’s close to an accelerated college course. Each week you have reading, assignments, and discussions. Some of the assignments involved making phone calls or visiting hospitals and/or funeral homes. In addition, there are 2 books reports and a community project.
You won’t be disappointed. I know many people look down on online training but this isn’t the same.”
-Elizabeth Petrucelli, SBD and author of All That is Seen and Unseen
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“I salute you Heidi for the brilliant work you have done to start Stillbirthday. It was a life changing course for me, and I hope I can now better serve the people that the Lord brings across my path. On behalf of all the other students and Doulas, thank you for everything you put into it. We can clearly see that all your heart is in this. Thanks for sharing so honestly and thanks for taking the lead in the field. Not only in the US, but also internationally. My life is so much richer with SBD in my life.”
-Rechelle Vermaak SBD serving South Africa
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What is an SBD Doula?
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“Birth & Bereavement Doula: A birth doula is an essential part of a mother’s support team during the childbearing year, especially during actual childbirth. A birth doula provides constant emotional and physical support, information, and promotes a loving, safe, non-judgemental environment for the mother and her family. Similarly, a bereavement doula goes further and provides families with constant support during one of the most difficult times of their lives. Bereavement doulas help families by facilitating healing through love, humility, and respect. It is important for families to feel unconditionally supported in the event of a loss, especially because there are often external factors that may make them feel as though they cannot express how they truly feel, thus hindering the healing process. Sometimes families do not have adequate family support or they feel as though their loved ones won’t understand. It is important to serve these families in a way that helps them identify and address these feelings, and to be able to grieve in their own way to promote healing. ”
-Brandy Crigger, SBD student
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“Doulas provide support and comfort that can make such a noticeable difference to birth mothers and the fathers too. Support during bereavement can be life changing. Memories of loss will be replayed over and over and will be remembered for a lifetime and will be grasped for something to hold on to. A doula’s support can make the difference in those precious moments that will last a lifetime. At no other time in my life did I need support as much and at no other time was it as difficult to find. During loss the family is in shock it is hard to do basic life but at that moment you must make decisions you probably never considered before. To have the service of a doula to provide guidance, affirmation, preparation, and to justify feelings. To help remove fear so that the couple may bond with their precious child. This can make all the difference.”
-Ashleigh Gipson, SBD student
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Birth & Bereavement Blogs

If you use a blog to share about your baby(ies), you can add your link here so that other parents can find you.  Stillbirthday does not endorse any particular blog or writer.  If you are visiting another blog, you may encounter perspectives or experiences or expressions of language that may not always be very encouraging or healing.  Please use caution when visiting other blogs.  However, visiting other bloggers can be an excellent way to get to know other grieving families, and confirm even further that you are not alone.

You are also invited to share your story at stillbirthday, so that more families can connect with you.  You’re also invited to take a peek at our crafting resources, which includes tips and ideas related to journaling and blogging.

Just leave a comment below with the URL of your blog, and what it’s emphasis is, and this list will be updated to include yours.

Miscarriage Blogs

Stillbirth Blogs

Infertility Blogs

 

Difficult Diagnosis/Neonatal Death/Birth Emergencies/Loss after NICU Blogs

Diagnosis

Multiples

 

General Bereavement/Life after Loss

Inspiration/Religion

Elective Abortion Blogs

Roe v. Grief

Bereavement faces many challenges.

The strikingly contradictory response to our bereavement from our loved ones who espouse strong religious, political or other personal beliefs can be quite jarring and indeed, even traumatizing.

Loved ones who espouse strong pro-life beliefs, specifically if they are someone who would be the quickest to say that elective abortion is the murder of a child, when they shun a mother who has experienced miscarriage or stillbirth be telling her, in word or action, to quickly “get over it”.

Loved ones who espouse strong pro-choice beliefs, specifically if they are someone who would be the quickest to proclaim freedom of a mother’s rights and choices, when they shun a mother who is experiencing bereavement and attempting to deny her the freedoms and the rights to explore and express her bereavement journey, these rights and freedoms they otherwise believe all mothers to have.

Dear loved ones, we need you to have an eye to your own hypocrisy, because it is wounding.  Whether you are pro-life or pro-choice, it isn’t actually Roe v. Grief, and we need you to become pro-healing.

 

It Still Takes a Village

For more support as a Loved One, please visit our Friends and Family section.

The SBD® Doula provides support to families experiencing birth in any trimester and in any outcome.

Here at stillbirthday.info, you can learn about the SBD® Doula.