Told by: Sherri
Lost my first child, a daughter, at 39 weeks….I miss her everyday.
Their Little Big Sisters
June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Joni
We conceived triplets after just one round of fertility treatment.
We were completely shocked yet over the moon with excitement.
I only knew I was growing bigger than a barn, I am only 5’1″ tall, needless to say, I got rather big fast.
All we knew at the time was I had 3 babies and they were all in separate sacks; fraternal triplets. I went into labor at 20 weeks , two of the babies switched places causing their cords to entwine.
I gave birth to fraternal triplet girls on February 3, 1987. It was the most devastating thing we have ever endured in our lifetime.
We had a son in 1991 and another daughter in 1994, they are the best therapy we could have ever asked for, although we have had many challenges with our daughter who has many learning delays and moderate autism.
She graduated from high school last month with school honors.
Our Love of Summer
June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Angela
On May 29th, 2013 I arrived at my 32 week routine check up.
I was excited to see my little Summer Wylde Rose on the ultra sound but I had concerns regarding how little she had been moving the days prior to my appointment. I would have called right away but I had read online that other moms had the same concerns at 8 months and had found out everything was fine – they were simply over reacting, which I do quite a bit.
During the ultrasound I was talking a mile a minute as the ultrasound tech checked her head to toe. I noticed Summer wasn’t moving a whole lot but didn’t ask because I’d heard that ultrasound technicians aren’t allowed to say anything about their findings to the patient; I also figured she seemed to still be as upbeat as the other times I’d seen her so maybe I was still freaking out for no reason.
Shortly after, when I saw my doctor, I let her know right away about my concern with Summer’s lack of movement. She excused herself and came back with a portable ultrasound machine. After lubing up my belly again, she found Summer’s chest and paused then adjusted the ultrasound and paused again. I watched my baby on the screen laying still, my heart sank as I realized my worst fear was a reality.
“See that black spot?” I watched my doc’s shaky hand point at the screen as my mind went blank. “That’s where we usually see her heart beating.” She moved the ultrasound one last time. I don’t remember what she said but we listened closely for her heart beat but all we heard was static. My heart sank as she grasped my hand. “I’m so sorry.”
Her voice was surprisingly soothing and heart felt, which wasn’t to much of a surprise but I’m so used to doctors being some what distant that some how her reaction helped me from collapsing completely. I couldn’t take my eyes off the ultrasound screen.
“Lets turn this off.” I was a little relieved, God knows how long I could have been stuck looking at my sleeping beauty. She had me call someone to come for support, obviously we agreed calling my partner, Summer’s father, was the best choice. I couldn’t bring myself to say what was wrong over the phone but he agreed to come. I kept beating myself up for letting him sleep in, he offered to come with me to this visit but I insisted I would be fine on my own. As he bussed over to the hospital he begged me to at least text him what was wrong, so I did. His text brought on my first round of uncontrollable sobs: “Oh God no, no no no! This cannot be happening. Is she sure?”
Our doc told us we could take a few days to take everything in before I had to be induced but she said we shouldn’t wait longer than 8 days. Two days later we were induced. Because Summer had passed about a week prior to being induced it could take up to three days for the medicine to put my body into active labor. Two days later on Sunday June 2nd, 2013, Summer Wylde Rose was born 2lbs 10oz, 15 inches. Despite how amazing the staff was, it’s hard talking about, let alone describing the experience in the hospital simply because of how emotional it was for everyone involved.
I could not have done it without my partner and my family constantly visiting or the support of our friends and co-workers. We were blessed with great nurses and an amazing doctor who helped take pictures, made prints of our babies hands and feet, and put together a memory box on top of supporting and caring for us through such a hard time.
Telling my 10 year old step-daughter was the hardest part of this for me. I would go through a vaginal still birth a thousand times over before I would ever want to tell that precious child bad news like this again. Watching Chloe cry and get that upset broke my heart, these are the kinds of things you want to protect your child from. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss my baby girl; every day I wish there was a dirty diaper for me to change or a crying face to kiss. Chloe, my partner, my family and I talk about Summer a lot.
My Baby Deserves My Heart
June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Andie
I’m a mother, been a mother since I was 17 years old.
I have four amazing children…three boys and a girl; ranging from 15 to 19 months.
I’m still nursing my littlest guy. I haven’t had a period in a long time- since I got pregnant with my last baby actually. I have however in the past few months experienced other signs of ovulation. I’ve kept track because we were wanting to try for another baby. I hadn’t had of those signs in the past few weeks…on the contrary, I’ve felt “different”. I considered the possibility of a pregnancy. I tried not to get excited, yet, and didn’t take a test. I wanted to wait a few more weeks before I jumped the gun. Well last night, as I got in the tub with my baby, I noticed a few bright red clots. Which is weird for me in a cycle. I’ve continued to have bright red bleeding, clots, and a general sense of being un-whole.
Now I’ve spent the night and day wondering and thinking if this is a period or an early miscarriage. It makes me feel blue- because if it is, I may never know on paper. I didn’t get to celebrate someone that was and is no more.
That probably doesn’t make much sense.
I am a registered nurse, and a student midwife, so I have this curse of knowledge. I’m trying to overlook some of the tale tell signs because I don’t want it to be so.
I’ve never had a loss and I don’t know how to process it or communicate it. My entire being is saying I’m losing something important and special and unique and worthy and meant to be. I’m confused. I’m feeling emotional and regretful…guilty and sad….uncertain and quite alone.
Because I never had a pregnancy test or an ultrasound that gave me the scientific yes- I am taking on this societal NO, giving me a weight of NO:
No Andie, you don’t have a reason to celebrate, and no you don’t have a reason to mourn because there’s no certainty.
I can’t live with that. I just feel…I don’t have a good word for it…but something.
There was something and now I feel empty. My body is going through a new experience, I know my body well and this is foreign. I would have been due in February. I wanted to share mostly because I had an inner voice telling me not to, and that’s not right.
This is happening and why should it be a secret that lives only in me. I don’t want to ask permission to be sad over this, I’m giving myself that privilege.
I deserve to have my feelings and my baby deserves my heart.
Its strange how a mother can love a being she didn’t even know existed, but I do. I’m in love with the tiny babe my husband and I made, I’m in love with God’s creation, I’m in love with knowing Jesus is rocking the baby I can’t and that one day he will return that babe to my aching arms.
Zannah’s Love for Rose
June 26, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Cambyre
I chose to donate my breastmilk after losing my baby. After my Zannah was born in 2010 and passed away just hours after birth I knew I had to do something to make her short life mean something. I began to pump and freeze breastmilk while I searched for the best donation option. I looked into milk banks, and while I knew that the babies in NICUs needed it, it didn’t feel right for me.
I came across a mom 2 mom milk sharing site and I knew that this was what I was looking for. I got in contact with a mom who had adopted a baby whose mother had died during childbirth. She wanted so badly to be able to provide all the things her mother would have including breastmilk. Her little girl, Rose, was only a month older than my Zannah and as we emailed back and forth I knew that she was the one my milk was meant for.
I pumped religiously for as long as I was off work after her birth and ended up proving her with almost 600 oz of milk for her daughter. I wish that I had stayed in contact with her and could get a picture of what she looked like today. I know she has to be just beautiful and I am so glad that my little girls life no matter how short was able to make such a huge difference in the life of another.
Tiny Person Filling Hearts
June 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Lauren
I found out on the 10/11/2012 that I was pregnant, 7 months after a missed miscarriage.
Since I hadn’t found out about the loss of my baby until my dating scan I was constantly worried this would be the case this time round too. I didn’t allow myself to get excited, not until I could see a happy healthy baby on the ultrasound screen, which on Wednesday 2nd January 2013 we did.
Measuring 11 weeks and looking perfectly fine. We found out the baby was due on my birthday! On the 24th of July, my partner and I left happy excited parents.
I had a relatively good pregnancy until about 19 ½ weeks when I started to get some pelvis discomfort and pressure but with the reassurance of the doctor that it was just stretching pain I was on my way. On the 6th march 2013 we went to our 20 week scan which again showed a beautiful healthy baby, we decided to keep the gender a secret to give us that something extra to look forward to.
I went about my daily activities such as college and socialising, on the morning off Friday 22nd March 2013 I had felt my baby act more lively but didn’t mind as it meant his dad could have a proper feel of the baby kicking, my partner left for work and I went about getting ready for college.
I started to get some abdominal pains but thought it may have been Braxton hicks, it’s not until I had gotten to college and my tutor noticed the signs she demanded that I go straight to hospital to be seen. So off I went thinking nothing of it, at the hospital I explained my pains and was taken into a room. Babies heartbeat was fine, the midwife said ‘the worst case scenario is you could be in labor, if this is the case the baby has no hope’ just after saying this she decided to check my cervix, after having a look she turned to me and said I need to go and get someone it seems your waters are bulging and you are 2-3cm dilated.
In a frenzy of panic I grabbed the phone and called my partner who was with me within 15 minutes, a consultant came in and agreed that this was the case. He said that they would help my baby if it came out showing active signs of life like movement and sounds, they said that the neonatal team would be on standby if this was the case to help support our baby however in the mean time I was told by the consultant that there was little they could do and I was to be put on strict bed rest in the hospital to hopefully give the baby enough time to mature and to prevent my waters from breaking under pressure of me moving. I was given an injection of steroids to help with the baby’s lungs and sent up to the argyle ward full of mothers who have had their babies and are waiting to be sent home. Once In the ward I had gotten one of the nurses to let my auntie know I was in as she was the head midwife of the delivery suite. I spent 3 nights glued to my bed unless I needed the toilet; I refused to shower in case this brought on labor from standing too long.
Each day I was experiencing irregular contractions but hoped it would calm down, on Monday the 25th march 2013 during my stats check-up my waters broke and my plug had come away, I was taken down to the delivery suite as there was high chance I would deliver within the next 24 hours.
My auntie made sure that my partner and I were comfortable and answered all of my worries. My partner throughout had held onto hope praying the baby would come out showing active signs of life, it’s not until a neonatal consultant came in and said ‘ I need to be blunt with you, you have been given a false expectation of what is going to happen. The neonatal team will not be there during the delivery and will not help your baby once it’s here, you will understand when you see your baby’.
I couldn’t find the words to reply, everything we had held onto was shattered we were going to have a baby that was going to die. By Tuesday 26th march 2013 at 3am I began to have regular contractions but when it had reached 6am they had stopped, at 9am the consultant came in with bad news. Where my waters had gone I had contracted a womb infection and needed to be induced as my health was at risk.
My auntie came in and told me she would be attaching the drip, I said I will go toilet first and be back but on the way back from the toilet I got some heavy pressure and after my auntie having a look my baby had stuck a foot out and was surely on the way. The drip was attached to get things sped up, two legs were out and thrashing out I could feel it kicking away which was so hard because it had active signs of life!
However when it got to the head my contractions completely stopped and the bed needed to be lowered and I needed to push regardless of contractions. Eventually at 10.13am at 22+6 on the 26th march 2013 at which is also my dad’s birthday I pushed my beautiful little boy into the world he was delivered by my auntie, he laid still but alive.
He lived for an amazing two hours unsupported until he passed away in my mums arms.
My auntie helped make memories for our little boy who we named Finley Davies. We did the normal weighing and measuring along with ink prints, we took hundreds of pictures. The staff treated him just like a living child with respect and dignity, we were offered tiny clothes for him and he was put in a moses basket sat next to our bed.
We had the Chaplain name and bless Finley through a little service held in my delivery room. We had as many visitors as we wanted to come up and meet Finley. Because of my womb infection I was required to stay for 24 hours to receive treatment but we didn’t mind as this was more time we had with our son. Throughout the night I sang songs and spoke to him, but couldn’t hide the tears when all I could hear around me was crying babies and joyful mothers.
On Wednesday 27th march 2013 my partner and I said goodbye to our son and left that hospital childless, after leaving Finley was looked after by my auntie. We had a long road ahead of us registering his birth and death and arranging his funeral, he had a beautiful send off. I show Finley’s picture off with pride and always speak his name and story; I am so proud of him and love him so much my heart aches. For such a tiny person, he sure did fill a lot of peoples hearts.
I Will Never Forget Her
June 25, 2013 by 1 Comment
Told by: Ember
From a young age my biological father molested me, and at the age of 10 he began raping me. I never told anyone, and hid the bruises and started cutting, developed an eating disorder and got into drugs and alcohol. Even worse, 3 years later I was late for my period and found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone, I knew he’d kill the baby or me. So I kept it a secret.
Even after the test confirmed it I was convinced no one would believe me and they would think I was disgusting or worthless, because that’s what he told me.
I looked up online how to find out how far along you are and learned I was around 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks I ignored it, scared to death of what would happen if I told anyone about the baby. I wore bigger clothes and hid the small bump that was forming beneath my belly button. I was so confused and scared. Then I felt her move. I know that 12 weeks is too early but I swear to God I felt her, I knew then that I loved her, I didn’t care where she came from or who the father was, she was mine. My child.
A few days later I began having cramps, mild at first, then sharp pains in my lower abdomen and I started spotting. The next day I began bleeding heavily and it got thicker with clumps and gobs of dark material. I got even worse pain in my vagina and felt horrible pressure. Then I understood what was happening, my baby was dying.
I got dark towels out and laid them on the floor of my bathroom and sat half naked, and bleeding for what seemed like a long time. I finally felt an odd pressure and something inside my vagina, I half stood with my hand up to my body and she came out. A small part of her umbilical cord was attached and she was perfect. Arms, legs and 10 fingers and toes. She was weightless to me and only a few inches long. I looked to see her gender. My baby girl. I held her and cried for what seemed like all night.
I told her I loved her and I would see her again and I wrapped her up in toilet paper, like a swaddle. And I put her in a trash can. I tried to make her comfortable and warm. I kissed her tiny head and whispered out loud that I loved her. I bled more and more stuff came out in large clumps and stringy globs, and I continued bleeding for another week or so. I’ll never forget May, 3rd of 2010. Not long after that my father wad arrested for molesting a friend of mine and I moved in with my mom. I confessed everything and have unconditional support and love now. I miss my baby girl every day.
