Written by: Bambi

A part of her Fit to Heal column.

As I read questions and comments from bereaved mothers in regards to taking care of their physical bodies, one thing stands out to me.

It is that we are disappointed with our bodies in relation to our losses.

As a mother, you see your body as your baby’s safe haven and you expect it to cooperate fully. When something goes awry, you can’t help but look at your body and say “You failed me, my baby is gone”.

I did it, too.

Sometimes, yes, something goes terribly wrong within our bodies that we have no control over, so you do look at your body and you hate it.

It’s normal.

So, where do you go from there? How do you go from a dislike of your body to a complete love of it?

This is where, I believe, mindset comes in.

When you think of your loss, there is pain and heartache, but there are also beautiful blessings that DO come out of it.

That is our body.

We must look beyond what we feel are it’s shortcomings and see it for the many things it can and does do for us. If you are reading this, you woke up today. Our bodies are alive and functioning. We created our babies within our bodies and it’s a miracle if you look into the science behind conception. How a body sustains a little life within it is mind-blowing.

How our bodies can continue to function every day is a miracle.

These bodies, they are the only body we will ever have. If you have stretch marks, embrace them knowing they are a sign of motherhood. If your breasts aren’t perky anymore, it’s motherhood. If you have some extra skin, it’s motherhood. If you have scars, each one has a story to tell about YOU and what you have survived.

And we are survivors. We’ve survived the worst thing a mother can endure. Does it hurt? Heavens yes, but we’ve survived.

Our body is a mother’s story of survival! That is amazing to me.

Try standing in front of the mirror, take all of your perceived flaws/bodily failures, and spin them around. What is positive about each?? It is vitally important to embrace your body for being so amazing! Once you are able to love your body, it is much easier to focus on physical health. This isn’t to say that you won’t go through periods where you pick yourself apart, but you’ll be able to handle this and manage it easier.

Bereaved Mothers day is here, and so is Mothers day.  Summer is fast approaching, and it is a season of becoming particulary aware of our bodies.  I challenge you, to consider writing a Love Letter to your body.  It’s OK if you don’t feel ready yet or strong enough to.  But if you can say anything, even, “I’m not ready to love my body yet”, and submit it in May or June, you will be entered to win a Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness ribbon belly ring!  This awesome belly ring is courtesy of Handmade Jillry.

Just click the photo below to see the Love Letters section.

Those SBD doula training applicants who complete their registration by May 5 will be entered to win a complete miscarriage blanket package from Miscarriage Blankets and More, valued at well over $200!

This package provides you with 11 differently sized sets of blankets and hats.  You will be able to provide a special set to the families you serve, and can restock the sets you have given easily, through Miscarriage Blankets and More.

Below are the names of those already registered and ready to enter the giveaway opportunity.  Make sure your name is on this list!

Visit the stillbirthday doula training registration page to get registered!

• Bethany
• Jennifer
• Hope
• Courtney
• Connie
• Maria
• Michelle
• January
• Michelle
• Karen
• Monica
• Jennifer
• Barbara-ann
• Tonya
• Emma
• Jodie
• Melissa
• Hope
• Kelly

This giveaway is now closed.  The random number selected was 4 – Courtney!

Grief is hard enough as it is.  Sometimes, we may have feelings that can serve to threaten an already fragile structure.

But our own silence of these things can be just as damaging as the silence our society has toward pregnancy and infant loss.

Here, is a little list, to serve as a platform for future posts.

These are things in addition to the already many feelings we know about bereavement – feeling isolated, misunderstood, silenced.

If you resonate with any of these, or if there’s one you’d like to see on the list, you can comment below, or you can email privately to Heidi.Faith@stillbirthday.info.

• I felt relief.  At any point, there was a sense of relief.
• I felt anger toward my baby.  At some point in the pregnancy or birth, I felt anger toward my baby.
• I really might be depressed.  I want to say it isn’t so, but, it might be.
• I feel confused as to what I grieve and how much I grieve.
• I feel angry at my surviving children and/or my spouse, because they either don’t understand my grief or they distract me from its work.
• I feel angry at God and/or at faith in general.
• I feel angry at my body.
• I feel insecure, threatened and angry at other people’s interpretations of loss, dying, or life after death.
• Issues and pains from long ago have resurfaced because of my loss.

Please know that you are not alone, if you have felt these or other things.  We have a large support section here at stillbirthday, including emergency support.

As far back as biblical times, there has been a connection with shaving hair and mourning (such as Micah 1:16).

In more recent times, there are studies that indicates women cutting their hair after major life events – breakups in particular.

And even among those who trim our locks, there are differing reasons for it:

“You can’t change the situation. But with hair you’re given the chance to change it and move on.”

“I didn’t think cutting my hair would help me cope… but would help me separate my life from the one I made with him,”

Source of quotes: How a Haircut Helps You Cope

And yet others, they think it has something to do with an underlying anger or hostility toward our husbands (source).  It might be connected to feelings of despair – a beautiful fresh hair style can help boost your self esteem, but a very radical change driven by impulse might also have a very negative effect.

So, what about you?

Have you changed your hair style since your bereavement?  Did it offer a needed freshness?  Was it a radically drastic hair style change?  Have you ever noticed the correlation of feelings and hair styles before?

Finally, I would like to express my appreciation to two beautiful stillbirthday mothers, Kat, for bravely asking such a question, and Nicole, for shining some light in how to answer it.