Yearning for Hope

Told by: Sabrina

My daughter was born sleeping at 32 weeks on October 6, 2012.

We named her Zayra Rayne she weighed 4lbs 4 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long.

I posted my story about my daughter under the 32 weeks page. Sadly this was not the end of our disastrous 2 years. 6 months after we lost out daughter, we decided to try again. The doctor gave us the go ahead but warned this pregnancy would have more tests so we could try to prevent another sleeping baby. I got pregnant that month, we were so happy this was going to be our rainbow baby.

I had blood work down 4 times a week to check my HCG levels to ensure they were rising like they should. At 8 weeks I began to bleed, we called the doctor and we were told to come right now.

We had an ultrasound done and to our horror our child had passed away at 6 weeks. I decided that I would let my body do the natural thing and have my child at home. I was in pain,it felt as though I was having contractions that night at 9 p.m. I gave birth to our daughter whom we named Deona Marie. The next day the doctors confirmed my baby was no longer there.

My doctor would later inform me that he knew I would miscarry because my HCG levels stopped rising at 6 weeks. 2 months later I became pregnant once again, it was our little surprise but we were ecstatic and scared. I had blood work done 3 times a week my HCG was rising great. I had every symptom in the book. I went to the doctors for my 8 week check up, I had to go alone because my husband had to work. During the ultrasound I saw my babies little legs and arms sadly I also saw that my baby did not have a heartbeat.

He had passed away the day before. We named him Ace Hope. The doctor told us we should do an emergency D&C because he wanted to know why this happened. I reluctantly agreed. The tests showed nothing, we still do not know why this has happened 3 times in a row.

I am unable to comprehend why this is occurring to us. All I wanted was a baby to hold and love to be ours; and it can not happen. I have no hope left.

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Zayra’s the Eldest

Told by: Sabrina

My daughter was born sleeping at 32 weeks on October 6, 2012,we named her Zayra Rayne she weighed 4lbs 4 oz and was 18 1/2 inches long. I posted my story about my daughter under the 32 weeks page. Sadly this was not the end of our disastrous 2 years. 6 months after we lost out daughter, we decided to try again.

The doctor gave us the go ahead but warned this pregnancy would have more tests so we could try to prevent another sleeping baby. I got pregnant that month, we were so happy this was going to be our rainbow baby. I had blood work down 4 times a week to check my HCG levels to ensure they were rising like they should.

At 8 weeks I began to bleed, we called the doctor and we were told to come right now. We had an ultrasound done and to our horror our child had passed away at 6 weeks. I decided that I would let my body do the natural thing and have my child at home. I was in pain,it felt as though I was having contractions that night at 9 p.m.

I gave birth to our daughter whom we named Deona Marie.

The next day the doctors confirmed my baby was no longer there. My doctor would later inform me that he knew I would miscarry because my HCG levels stopped rising at 6 weeks. 2 months later I became pregnant once again, it was our little surprise but we were ecstatic and scared. I had blood work done 3 times a week my HCG was rising great. I had every symptom in the book. I went to the doctors for my 8 week check up, I had to go alone because my husband had to work. During the ultrasound I saw my babies little legs and arms sadly I also saw that my baby did not have a heartbeat.

He had passed away the day before. We named him Ace Hope. The doctor told us we should do an emergency D&C because he wanted to know why this happened. I reluctantly agreed.

The tests showed nothing, we still do not know why this has happened 3 times in a row. I am unable to comprehend why this is occurring to us. All I wanted was a baby to hold and love to be ours; and it can not happen. I have no hope left.

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223 Days

Told by: Sibyl

In August 2012, we found that we were pregnant with our 4th child. We were shocked to find out because at the time I was on birth control. I admit, I cried a few tears. I was so scared. There was no way that I could handle 4 kids!!! My husband comforted and encouraged me, and in a few days I became excited about our new little bean. I went into my obgyn office to have the pregnancy confirmed, and set up an appointment for our first ultrasound.

 

October 29, the day of our ultrasound appointment arrived. My husband had taken off work to be there. We loaded our 3 girls into the car, dropped them off at grandma’s house and then headed to the doctor’s office. We made jokes and chatted excitedly as we waited for the ultrasound to begin. The tech placed the wand on my abdomen and looked around for what seemed like an eternity. She looked at my paper work and asked if I was sure of the date of my last period. Of course I was, I’d taken my birth control perfectly. She suggested it was too early to see anything on her older equipment, and the doctor referred us out to a specialist. We had our first higher level ultrasound later that day that confirmed 2 yolk sacs, 2 fetal poles, but no heartbeats measuring 7 weeks. We went back for our follow up ultrasound, and on 11/12/2012, our 6th wedding anniversary we got the news. There was no growth and no heartbeat. I had a D&C on 11/13/2012.
Our story doesn’t end there. After our missed miscarriage, I was hurt, but I found comfort in knowing this was God’s plan. I was hopeful that he would bless us with another baby in the future, so I started praying. On March 13, 2013, we had our pregnancy confirmed at my obgyn’s office. This time there were no tears. I was over the moon!!! I had prayed, and God had answered. We were having our rainbow baby. His EDD was 11/13/2013, a year to the date of our D&C. This had to be God’s plan.

 

Because of our previous loss, my doctor had us come in every 2 weeks to check on the baby’s growth. Everything looked perfect. My husband and I were too excited to wait until the anatomy scan, so we went for an elective scan. We found out that day that we were having a boy. Our first boy after 3 little girls. This was just perfect!!

ultrasound

My pregnancy progressed normally throughout the next few months. We were all so excited. We started buying cute little boy clothes and cloth diapers. Our 3 girls (ages 2,4,6) couldn’t wait to meet their little brother, and neither could I.  I felt great….life was great!!

beautiful

On September 17, everything changed. My youngest daughter woke me up early as usual and we lay in my bed watching cartoons. Usually our little man was kicking like crazy, but that morning I felt nothing. I poked and prodded, but figured he was having a lazy day. I went about the rest of morning, homeschooled the girls and made lunch. Usually the baby would kick when I say down for lunch, but nothing. I started to get worried. I drink some juice and tried laying on my side. Nothing. I tried to find his heart beat with the Doppler, nothing. I called the doctor’s office and they told me to head to labor and delivery to get monitored. I cooked dinner, waited for my husband to get home to stay with the girls and headed to the hospital.

 

After getting me hooked up to the monitors and an ultrasound, it was confirmed that our little one no longer had a heartbeat. I couldn’t believe that this had happened. I mean this boy was our rainbow. I had prayed for him. On September 18 at 1:18 pm Anthony DeWayne Lilly Jr was born silent at 32 weeks. He weighed 4 lbs 8 oz and measured 18 1/2 inches long. He was completely perfect from head to toe.

birth
It’s been 34 days since I delivered my angel Aj.
34 days ago, I wasn’t sure how we were going to go on with our lives without our son. How were we going to tell our girls? What about the dreams we had for AJ’s future? But our God is awesome!! His strength has sustained us, brought us closer to him. My testimony has just begun. I have hope that the past is not the prediction for the future, and that sorrow is not what is promises for the rest of our lives. God’s promises are real and true, and I know that his blessings will continue to fall on our family. I have felt God’s presence even more since we lost Aj, and I’m not ashamed to say that all my strength has come from him. He has given me hope and peace. God is good!

I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is good.

I will praise you in the presence of your saints. Psalm 52:9

223 days….the number of days my little man grew in my tummy. A life so short has made such an impact on me. I am forever changed! I’ve been broken into a million pieces, but God continues to glue those pieces back together, cementing them with his strength and love. I am a work in progress…..and Aj dear son, you have helped mommy grow in ways I never imagined. I know that God told you “well done” when he welcomed you home.

I thank God for you.

Our Angel Prince David

Told by: Giselle

Oct. 31, 2011 – Dec. 19th, 2011
My husband, David and I, had been married for almost 4 years, since October 19th, 2007 during this time. We had been trying to conceive  since 2008.
We had a twin miscarriage on December 17th, 2008 after praying for twins.
We miscarried the first one around 3-4 weeks and the 2nd one at 8 weeks gestation. I opted not to have a D&C and allow my body to process naturally and my body did exactly 2 weeks from the last ultrasound. I went through a lot of grief between the doctors not wanting me to miscarry naturally and then with the pathologist personnel when I went to pick up my twins remains.
We then waited about 2 years to TTC again, I went through a terrible bout of depression of not wanting to let go of my babies. I finally had a breakthrough and we finalized the funeral services. I found that once we did the services and I was able to let go through the physical that I was mentally able to move forward with life.
By the end of 2010 I was able to start thinking about TTC again. We started TTC in January and became frustrated with negative tests and charting month after month. In May of 2011 we went to a Church Conference in Chicago, Illinois. On the first night of the conference, while I was praying and speaking to the LORD during the service, I said to the LORD, if I was pregnant to please have that preacher come over to me and tell me that I’m expecting because Lord I am sooo tired of negative after negative testing, and I need to know right now. Well the preacher came over to me while my eyes were closed and put his hands on my shoulder, and at that moment I was stunned and knew what he was going to say. He said You have been praying for a miracle and GOD is going to bless you!
Right then and there I jumped for joy and screamed my heart out and told my husband we are pregnant! The next day we ran to Dollar General and bought a pregnancy test and it surely came out positive!   While in Chicago, I also got the opportunity to meet one of my long time  Doula friends from facebook, Tricia F. I was ecstatic!  I told her what happened and she was excited with us! She even was sweet enough to bring me to the pregnancy clinic to get the test in writing. She also took us around Chicago to Trader Joe’s and also Cutie Poops and Bottoms! We had a blast with her and her fabulous family!
When we got back home from Chicago we started picking out hospitals and started going to appointments. The dating tests from the hospitals didn’t line up with our gestation dates from the start and that was even with charting, so we were stressed. There was at least 5-8 weeks in discretion. He measured small from the start.
Finally about 22 weeks were told he had marginal cord insertion and that was the reason why he was so measuring small. I researched and contacted a trusted friend of mine on FB that is very knowledgeable who basically told me it was nothing to worry about other than the baby will be small because of the position of the cord on the placenta. I usually have small babies anyway so I wasn’t too worried about having a small baby.
Well I ended up going into labor at around 32 weeks. After 3 days of labor and praying that he not be born on Oct. 31st, 2013, Our LiL Prince David was born on that day at 10:04pm barely 2 hours shy of midnight!
He was born crying and pink. He was soo cute and very strong. I still can’t believe he passed away.  It boggles my mind beccause he had a 9 on his apgar score. They couldn’t get in to his nose because he was soo tiny but his lungs were strong enough for him to blow out his own mucus.
That was the first and the last time we heard him cry!
He lived for exactly 7 weeks and he fought to live the entire time. We fought for him, trying to get doctors to give him my breastmilk and for them to use other drugs and other methods but all of our desires, ideas, and thoughts were thrown out of the window. I never felt sooo incapacitated in my whole life. I could not do anything for my child. I felt as if I had failed him. The doctors would not listen to us and it just seemed as if he was being killed slowly right before our very eyes. All of our dreams for our precious baby boy were being thrown out of the window.
I didn’t know what else to do. We prayed, sought counsel, tried to find a patient advocate, tried to get him transferred to another hospital but nothing. I kept envisioning myself within a shack in the midst of a terrible rain and thunderstorm with lots of lightening going around and strong gusts of wind. I knew I was safe as long as I stayed within the shack but I kept looking out the window at the storm and wondering when it would ever be over. I kept feeling the desire to be in both places in the storm; with my son or to stay inside out of the way of the storm and just watch my son from the window.  It was such a battle for me. I kept praying because I wanted my son no matter what.
He ended up having kidney failure and swelling up like a balloon.  He got soo big in the end he looked like he was going to burst.  I was scared for what he was feeling my poor lil helpless guy.  I was soo tormented watching him go through this and just kept asking GOD why LORD, he is a baby, my baby! I put my hands under him since I could not carry him, one under his head and the other under his bottom (we never got to carry him until he passed away) and said:
 LORD whatever Your will is may Your will be done..not my will oh LORD but Your will be done. This is my son my love my heart my ultimate sacrifice my all is on the alter for You may Your will be done. My will is that he lives and not perish. Here is my Isaac.
I kissed him and hugged him, that was the last day I saw his eyes open. He swelled even more until his eyes were swollen closed shut and he passed away 3 days later. The last night he lived me and my hubby sang to him consistently all night long, praising GOD all night long. His stats were the highest they had been in a while he seemed peaceful as long as my hubby sang to him.
When he passed later that day we had just stepped out of the room to go get something to eat but we never made it past the lounge area and got called back to the room. When we got there he was gone and the machines were off. I finally got to hold my lil angel, not the way I wanted to. He fought the good long fight and he was in Heaven with Our LORD and Savior!  At least we know we will see him again some day very soon!
Atleast we know we will see him again some day very soon! In the meantime I will continue to tell his story and help others through the ministry that was birthed through him, With These Hands Ministries and our FaceBook page.
We also had so much breastmilk left over from me pumping for him and I did not want it to go to waste So I donated over 350 ounces to The Human Milk Bank of North Texas (HMBONT) It went to a family in need right away. In the collage below is a tree they created to honor the family’s of Angel’s whose milk was donated in their honor. The memorial  tree is called Carmens Tree located in Austin, Texas. Our little prince has his own leaf on the tree (pictured below). I am soo glad that we were able to help someone in his honor!
His legacy will live on through me, his father, his big brother Gabriel and now through his rainbow sister as well. Our rainbow, AimeeRose Grace was born on August 20, 2012! AMEN!
 I will seek unto God, and unto God will I commit my cause.

JOB 5:8

Our Love of Summer

Told by: Angela

On May 29th, 2013 I arrived at my 32 week routine check up.

I was excited to see my little Summer Wylde Rose on the ultra sound but I had concerns regarding how little she had been moving the days prior to my appointment. I would have called right away but I had read online that other moms had the same concerns at 8 months and had found out everything was fine – they were simply over reacting, which I do quite a bit.

During the ultrasound I was talking a mile a minute as the ultrasound tech checked her head to toe. I noticed Summer wasn’t moving a whole lot but didn’t ask because I’d heard that ultrasound technicians aren’t allowed to say anything about their findings to the patient; I also figured she seemed to still be as upbeat as the other times I’d seen her so maybe I was still freaking out for no reason.

Shortly after, when I saw my doctor, I let her know right away about my concern with Summer’s lack of movement. She excused herself and came back with a portable ultrasound machine. After lubing up my belly again, she found Summer’s chest and paused then adjusted the ultrasound and paused again. I watched my baby on the screen laying still, my heart sank as I realized my worst fear was a reality.

“See that black spot?” I watched my doc’s shaky hand point at the screen as my mind went blank. “That’s where we usually see her heart beating.” She moved the ultrasound one last time. I don’t remember what she said but we listened closely for her heart beat but all we heard was static. My heart sank as she grasped my hand. “I’m so sorry.”

Her voice was surprisingly soothing and heart felt, which wasn’t to much of a surprise but I’m so used to doctors being some what distant that some how her reaction helped me from collapsing completely. I couldn’t take my eyes off the ultrasound screen.

“Lets turn this off.” I was a little relieved, God knows how long I could have been stuck looking at my sleeping beauty. She had me call someone to come for support, obviously we agreed calling my partner, Summer’s father, was the best choice. I couldn’t bring myself to say what was wrong over the phone but he agreed to come. I kept beating myself up for letting him sleep in, he offered to come with me to this visit but I insisted I would be fine on my own. As he bussed over to the hospital he begged me to at least text him what was wrong, so I did. His text brought on my first round of uncontrollable sobs: “Oh God no, no no no! This cannot be happening. Is she sure?”

Our doc told us we could take a few days to take everything in before I had to be induced but she said we shouldn’t wait longer than 8 days. Two days later we were induced. Because Summer had passed about a week prior to being induced it could take up to three days for the medicine to put my body into active labor. Two days later on Sunday June 2nd, 2013, Summer Wylde Rose was born 2lbs 10oz, 15 inches. Despite how amazing the staff was, it’s hard talking about, let alone describing the experience in the hospital simply because of how emotional it was for everyone involved.

I could not have done it without my partner and my family constantly visiting or the support of our friends and co-workers. We were blessed with great nurses and an amazing doctor who helped take pictures, made prints of our babies hands and feet, and put together a memory box on top of supporting and caring for us through such a hard time.

Telling my 10 year old step-daughter was the hardest part of this for me. I would go through a vaginal still birth a thousand times over before I would ever want to tell that precious child bad news like this again. Watching Chloe cry and get that upset broke my heart, these are the kinds of things you want to protect your child from. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss my baby girl; every day I wish there was a dirty diaper for me to change or a crying face to kiss. Chloe, my partner, my family and I talk about Summer a lot.

Mammy Loves You, Forever

Told by: Marcella

I was 18 when I lost my baby girl.  She grew her wings on May 22nd 2000.  When I found out I was pregnant with my little girl I couldn’t wait to go in for a scan and listen to the heart beat.

When I was around 5 months, I found out what I was having, I was having a girl!  I couldn’t wait to buy her pink clothes.  I was sick at the start of my pregnancy but then I was ok.   At around 6 months, they kept me in, because I had protein in my urine, high blood pressure and swelling in my feet.  When I was better I was allowed home.  At 7 months I was feeling too good, so I went to the doctor and he said I was OK and so was my baby, so I went home.   I thought this was all normal so I loved feeling my baby kick and doing summersaults inside me.  It was so funny we had our own music just me and my baby.  Every time I listened to a certain song she would kick or when I’d have a bath she would kick so at 8 months, I went for my check up.  It was on a Thursday.  The doctor said they would bring me in the following week because she stopped growing and I had preeclampsia so then I went to another doctor, and she checked my blood pressure.  She said it was up a bit so she sent me home.  As I left the room it was like I was walking on air, i felt so weak and so light headed.  I thought it was normal.  I didn’t know what was going to happen that Friday.  I went in to get bits and bobs for my baby girl.  I couldn’t wait to see her so the next day, Saturday, while I was getting my room sorted.

My mom helped me.  I was kneeling down folding clothes when then I could feel someting dropping down from under me.  I didn’t take notice like, I thought it was normal.  Sunday came, and I didn’t feel too good so a friend and I went to the hospital.  I didn’t feel her all day Saturday or Sunday so we went in. I  had to wait for a while then it was my turn.  I told the nurse that I hadn’t felt her moving, so she listened to her on a stethoscope.  She couldn’t hear her, so she put the trace on me, and still couldn’t find her heart beat, so then I got a scan.

This is when my nightmare just began. They told me my baby passed away.   Well I just flipped.  I couldn’t take it in.  I wanted to go home.  They had to hold me down.  They said I had to be kept in.  They gave me stuff to bring on labour.   I couldn’t take it in.  I was in shock when my labour started.  The nurse didn’t know I was in labour.  My friend had to tell her, so then they brought me to the labour ward.

I started pushing.  They dosed me up with morphine or some kind of pain relief.  I was out of my head when I was pushing.  My baby girls head dropped down my pelvis.  The doctor didn’t know I was out of my head.  I even knew it.   With 3 pushes she was born.

At 3:05 Monday morning, May 22,  2000 my little girl was born.

She was so perfect.  Ten fingers ten toes.  I got to hold her, I changed her, took lots of photos, I got to Christen her and named her Lea.  I had her all day Monday, Tuesday and  Wednesday.  On Wednesday I had to organize her funeral flowers and stuff so then went back.  I  couldn’t be out for long.  Her funeral was on a Thursday.  She had a lovely white coffin.   I was able to hold her while the priest was doing the mass.   The mass was in the hospital and I couldn’t take it in.   She was leaving me.   We buried her with her two uncles so she wasn’t alone.

I miss her so much.  I had to be back at the hospital for my sister.  I booked a room for afterward because I couldn’t stay.  I was getting weak and dizzy so I left.   A friend and I went back to the hospital that night.  I was getting a shower; a nurse had to wash me.  I was in shock, my head was spinning, I just wanted to die.  I stayed in until Saturday.  Then I went home.  I had to start my life without my baby girl.

Lea, I miss you loads baby.   Mammy loves you, forever.

Tristan’s Sister

Told by: Stephanie

I found out I was pregnant with twins at my six week ultrasound, and I was really thrilled!  I just knew it was twins because I was looking like I was five months pregnant when I was only four weeks pregnant.

I was looking at the ultrasound screen and saw only one sac and one fetal pole.  Then the ultrasound technician moved the trans-vaginal probe and there were two little sacs and two little fetal poles.  The technician looked at me and said “How does twins sound”? I said to the technician “I knew it was twins, I look huge”.

Everything went great through the whole pregnancy.

At my thirty first week into my pregnancy all chaos broke loose. I went into pre-term labor and had to be admitted to labor and delivery. I was dilated to one centimeter and had to be put on a magnesium sulfate drip. When the nurse lowered my dosage I went back into full contractions and ended up dilating to two centimeters. I ended up having to be left on a high dosage of magnesium sulfate for 24 hours. After 24 hours of the magnesium sulfate drip I was taken off of it. Everything was going well in the hospital I was on a contraction monitor the whole stay and a non stress test every four hours. I had an ultrasound done at thirty two weeks into my pregnancy in the labor and delivery and both babies looked great, heartbeat was wonderful, they where weighing wonderfully. The scan showed that my daughter which was baby B had placental aging, the technician who did the scan thought she would be brought into the world early due to this. Unfortunately, no one did anything about this, nor did the doctors put my twins on a fetal heartbeat monitor except the every four hours, I was just left on the contraction monitor.

On April 16th 2009 at 32 weeks the nurses couldn’t find two heartbeats during the non stress test in the morning, and they failed to do an ultrasound at that time as they thought just one was hiding behind the other. Later, when the nurse change occurred it was time for another non stress test in which the nurses couldn’t find the second heartbeat of the other twin. So, they talked to the doctor and the doctor ordered an ultrasound right away.

The nurses came into the room there was about four nurses and a ultrasound technician who followed with the ultrasound machine. I was looking at the ultrasound screen looking at my twins when I noticed the nurse squeezing my hand, I looked at her and smiled, then I looked back at the ultrasound screen and realized that there was no color to the placenta. The nurse kept squeezing my hand the whole time she asked “Are you okay”? I replied “Is there a heartbeat”? She responded “No sweetheart, I am sorry”.

We all thought that I was going to be induced that night to keep anything from hurting my son baby A who had his cord wrapped around neck three times. Unfortunately, the perinatologist wouldn’t do this, and said that the longer the baby is in the better, and only 1% chance the same thing would happen to him.

On April 17th I had an ultrasound early in the morning to check on my son.  I was so used to seeing both of them on the screen but the technician only showed my son. He was doing great and all the perinatologist said to me is “See he is okay”! I took a nap around one pm and I was woken up to “sweetheart I need you to roll over” by the nurse, and the nurse looking at the heartbeat screen.  At this point I was on the monitor 24/7. My son’s heart decelerated.  I said “go tell the doctor to take him out now!”

The doctor was called and told what happened. The nurse came back in and said “we will induce you.” I received an epidural and my water was broken.  I waited on the contractions to start, but after two hours my contractions where not coming as fast as they wanted; at 2:00 am on April 18th 2009 they started me on pertocine to jump start labor faster. I was dilated to 7cm when my son started to crown so I started pushing at 4:50 AM and welcomed my son into the world at 5:00 Am. I stopped contracting after he was born so the doctor had to put her arm all the way up to elbow inside my uterus to get my daughter to turn somehow so the doctor could either grab my daughters feet to bring her out, or get it to where her head would go down. Finally, after 24 minutes of the doctors arm elbow deep I welcomed my daughter into the world . I was able to see my son for a minute before they took him back into the NICU.

I was able to hold my daughter whenever I wanted, give her a bath, put clothes on her. This by far was the worse thing ever in my life. I couldn’t see her eyes, hear her cries. I felt dead and empty. I was able to visit my son but not hold him since he was put on CPAP. He was able to go home after a week or two. But, I had to put my daughter in the ground .

Serenity was born at 5:24 am on April 18th 2009. 3 pounds and 12 oz and 17 inches long at 33 weeks.

Tristan was 5 pounds 8 oz and 18 inches long. There is never a second of the day that goes by that I never stop thinking of her and what she would have looked like today. How would her eyes look and her hair how long would it be. It never gets easier every year it gets worse around the time of the birth of her.

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