Told by: Ashley

My amazingly supportive husband and I spent 41 weeks preparing for every aspect of our son’s arrival. We hired our birth doula at 12 weeks, read natural birth books, watched The Business of Being Born, made sure to have the best of the best for our little one when it came to car seats, etc. We customized Jackson’s nursery to be just perfect. We had dealt with the normal pregnancy “scares” including the glucose testing, ultrasounds to measure for size and NST when I was “overdue.” Jackson and I continued to prevail and stay healthy. I had predromal labor for a few days and had an office visit, NST and ultrasound just a few days before “real” labor started.

My husband and I had dinner on Friday, March 21 but on the way home my contractions became a little more intense. I was not too concerned because they were not regular. An hour passed and the once manageable contractions were more regular and definitely increasing in intensity. I labored for 6 more hours before finally believing I was in REAL labor. I was so excited! I was feeling Jackson move and I was remembering how active he had been at the NST that morning. He had kicked the sensor with such vigor at one time that it made my husband and I jump. Back to labor… Our doula arrived around 2:30am and assessed the situation. We tried different laboring positions, stayed hydrated and waited another hour before deciding we should go to the hospital. The labor pain was so intense in my lower back. I remember always hearing about how horrible “back labor” is and I was hoping Jackson was in a prime position and not spine-to-spine with me. After the 15 minute drive to the hospital, we were admitted to L&D and I was not having any breaks in the back pain at this point. I was happy that our doula suggested going again and changing into my Pretty Pushers gown while at home so we could get this show on the road as soon as we arrived. It seemed things were right on track.

The L&D nurse explained that I would be monitored for 20 minutes and then I could get up and move. She tried and tried to find Jackson’s heartbeat. She called in another nurse who also could not find his heartbeat. She then called in my on-call midwife with the ultrasound machine. The midwife then called in the physician who confirmed via ultrasound that our baby boy was not alive. The same perfectly healthy baby boy whose heartbeat his dad and I had heard less than 18 hours before. After realizing I was in shock, in pain and so confused with everything in the world, my plans of a natural birth were the furthest from my mind. I wanted to be NUMB. I immediately knew I couldn’t do this. Section me please. Luckily, my midwife and doula both talked sense into me and when I realized we were already at 5cm, I had to accept that I have to give birth to my sleeping baby boy. After 23 hours of labor, Jackson was born. I’ll never be able to put into words having to say hello and goodbye. I hope by sharing my story that I am on my way to healing.  Even several weeks postpartum it still seems like yesterday although every day does get a little brighter… especially when I think of my gorgeous baby boy looking down on me.

Told by: Kayla

My second pregnancy started just the same as first. The morning sickness reared it’s ugly head, and I knew. My husband was so excited, as was I. We chose a midwife in a free standing birth center, and couldn’t have been happier with our choice. We were right on schedule to have a baby girl February 5th, 2014. Every appointment we had she sounded healthy. Our excitement grew as her due date came closer and closer. The 40 week mark came and went, but we didn’t mind. I woke up on Valentine’s day feeling pretty crummy, I was 41+3. I knew she was coming soon! I called my husband at work and asked him if he would come to the appointment today because I knew I would need his help with our 18 month old son. We had an extensive visit with our midwives about the upcoming birthing day, how I felt, and let them know I expected her within 24 hours. She checked for position (she FINALLY rolled over into the right one) and heart beat. All was well and we left with the confidence that we would have our daughter soon! We spent the night in and relaxed as much as we could, and I went to bed around 8pm so I could get some extra rest. When I woke up at 4am with contractions, I was glad I’d done that. I knew this was just the beginning. I continued to have minor contractions and sleep through the breaks for another 5 hours. At this point they were only about 8 minutes apart, then tapered off to 15. I decided that a warm bath might do me some good, so with my husband sitting on the floor of the bathroom I labored about a half hour in there. I hadn’t been paying attention to the timing of my contractions much, but my hubby was. After a pretty hard one he looked at me white faced and said “We need to get you out of here and dressed. I’m calling the midwife.”  Our midwife agreed and said that she would meet us at the birth center in about 15 minutes. I got out of the tub and sat on the couch while my husband grabbed my clothes. In the time between the bath and reaching the couch I was in transition. By the time I was dressed and in the truck I was having contractions back to back and pushing against my own will. The 10 minute drive to the birth center was the most excruciating car ride I’ve ever been on. I remember trying to hide the fact that I was pushing from my already freaked out husband. When we arrived at the birth center the assistant midwife was trying to get my vitals as well as a fetal heart beat. After a few minutes of not finding it, they called an ambulance to transfer me to the hospital. When they loaded me up with my husband and midwife I remember looking at the clock and reading 1:13 pm. Luckily for us the hospital is right across the street from the birth center. They quickly whisked us into a room and desperately tried to find an OB close by. The nurses were setting up the warming bed and various other baby equipment, and I remember my husband saying “Uhh, guys, there’s a head. Can someone help us?” My midwife, with no hospital rights, jumped in and delivered my daughter. Audrey Elizabeth was stillborn at 1:18pm on February 16th weighing 6 pounds 11 ounces. She was loved incredibly, in all of her beauty. While we’re trying to cope we go on in our daily lives, simply missing something that should be there. We’ve prayed fervently for peace, but it just hasn’t seemed to come to us yet. Some day I know that it will. For all of you struggling with loss, know that it will come for you as well.

Told by: Ashley

My amazingly supportive husband and I spent 41 weeks preparing for every aspect of our son’s arrival. We hired our birth doula at 12 weeks, read natural birth books, watched The Business of Being Born, made sure to have the best of the best for our little one when it came to car seats, etc. We customized Jackson’s nursery to be just perfect. We had dealt with the normal pregnancy “scares” including the glucose testing, ultrasounds to measure for size and NST when I was “overdue.” Jackson and I continued to prevail and stay healthy.

I had predromal labor for a few days and had an office visit, NST and ultrasound just a few days before “real” labor started. My husband and I had dinner on Friday, March 21 but on the way home my contractions became a little more intense. I was not too concerned because they were not regular. An hour passed and the once manageable contractions were more regular and definitely increasing in intensity.

I labored for 6 more hours before finally believing I was in REAL labor. I was so excited! I was feeling Jackson move and I was remembering how active he had been at the NST that morning. He had kicked the sensor with such vigor at one time that it made my husband and I jump.

Back to labor… Our doula arrived around 2:30am and assessed the situation. We tried different laboring positions, stayed hydrated and waited another hour before deciding we should go to the hospital.

The labor pain was so intense in my lower back. I remember always hearing about how horrible “back labor” is and I was hoping Jackson was in a prime position and not spine-to-spine with me. After the 15 minute drive to the hospital, we were admitted to L&D and I was not having any breaks in the back pain at this point.

I was happy that our doula suggested going again and changing into my Pretty Pushers gown while at home so we could get this show on the road as soon as we arrived. It seemed things were right on track. The L&D nurse explained that I would be monitored for 20 minutes and then I could get up and move. She tried and tried to find Jackson’s heartbeat.

She called in another nurse who also could not find his heartbeat. She then called in my on-call midwife with the ultrasound machine. The midwife then called in the physician who confirmed via ultrasound that our baby boy was not alive. The same perfectly healthy baby boy whose heartbeat his dad and I had heard less than 18 before. After realizing I was in shock, in pain and so confused with everything in the world, my plans of a natural birth were the furthest from my mind. I wanted to be NUMB.

I immediately knew I couldn’t do this. Section me please. Luckily, my midwife and doula both talked sense into me and when I realized we were already at 5cm, I had to accept that I have to give birth to my sleeping baby boy. After 23 hours of labor, Jackson was born. I’ll never be able to put into words having to say hello and goodbye. I hope by sharing my story that I am on my way to healing. I am almost 4 weeks postpartum and it still seems like yesterday although every day does get a little brighter… especially when I think of my gorgeous baby boy looking down on me.