One of the experiences I am surprised to discover in the months following my miscarriage, is the actual anger I feel when 28 days go by, and, I see “red” again.
Why does this make me feel angry?

Because it is a reminder–as if I could forget!!–that my body isn’t carrying my baby anymore.

You are not supposed to bleed when you are pregnant.

It makes me angry because I don’t want to bleed. I want to still be pregnant.
And, it makes me angry because it reminds me that I can’t blame myself. I can’t blame my body. My body releases an egg, prepares a cushion of endometrium, and then, releases it all, so that it can try again. It is what my body is supposed to do.

My body is working.

My 28 day reunion with red is a personal reminder that my body is physically ready to carry a baby, even if I’m emotionally not.

My body isn’t going to sit around and just wait for my emotions to catch up.

It isn’t a slave to my feelings.

And, for that, I truly need to praise the Lord.

How deceiving it would be, if I could pretend this experience away, hide my menstual cycle and my body’s inner workings.

So, this time, I am going to embrace the emotional challenges of seeing red without giving in to feeling blue.

Genesis 4:10 tells me that God hears the blood. He knows the hurt behind it, but he knows the value in it, too. And, what’s more, He knows my heart, and He knows suffering too (Isaiah 53:3). So, even if this is weird to share with you, it’s not weird to share with Him.

Matthew 9:19-21 gives me a biblical example of hope from a woman who bled for years–not just every 28 days: “If I only touch His clothes, I’ll get well.”

I will fix my eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what
is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Please view the Pregnancy Loss Doula Handbook for a more thorough explanation of services.

If you are interested in supporting families through birth & bereavement, here are some ideas for how to offer support to a family:

The same rules apply as being a birth or postpartum doula.  No medical advice is given, and suggestions should be in compliance with the medical provider.

Know that even full term stillbirth delivery can be different than live birth.  Please visit our article on birth education, and add any resources or ideas that you may have.

Prior to Birth

Support prior to birth could include any of the following:

• listening to the mother and father as they explain their situation
• listen as they explain the medical options they’ve been given by their medical provider
• ask if they will have a final ultrasound prior to the birth (you can attend, or you can remind them to ask for a final ultrasound photo)
• help the parents articulate any medical choices they do have, and
• you might help them weigh the benefits of each, based on your knowledge
• helping friends and family find supportive ways to help.  Suggesting they coordinate a Celebrating Pregnancy blessingway is highly recommended (even if it’s after the delivery)

During Birth

Once the family decides on a birth plan, help during the birth in any of the following ways:

• utilize our birth plans
• help watch any other children they have, while the mother births her baby (you will decide when it would be appropriate to arrive)
• bring something tangible as a gift for the mother, perhaps a baby blanket or teddy bear to bring to the hospital, or to hold in the car ride home
• take pictures of the labor, the birth, the funeral, or the farewell celebration the family chooses- you are not expected to help retrieve the baby if he or she has been delivered into the toilet, and you are not expected to clean up blood
• write your own account of the birth, and give it to the mother as a momento

After the Birth

After the birth, you can support in any of the following ways:

• encourage friends and family to provide meals, just as any other birth
• suggest any positive grieving techniques you may know
• provide grieving resources (you can visit our bereavement support sections)
• attend any medical follow-up visits with the mother so she will not be alone
• listen

There are numbers of ways in which you can help.  I hope this gives you encouragement to provide this much needed service.

If you decide you’d like to add birth & bereavement support to your services, please update your website, and please list your service, to be updated to the site.

Financial Reimbursement

You do not have to provide all of the services listed above.  Each experience is going to be unique, and may only require you to offer very few services.

The cost of your doula services should be at your discretion, but it is highly recommended that these services be provided at no charge to the family, in particular when you do not have experience in offering these services yet.

For reimbursement ideas, consider:

• An ongoing fundraiser, such as paid advertisement on your website, or connecting with a local company that will give a portion of their sales profits to your company in the name of pregnancy loss support.
• Having an account for pregnancy loss support that your paying clients can provide donations to.
• Speaking about your efforts to your local community groups, asking them for fundraising or donation support.
• Getting assistance in the other areas that your profits would have gone toward: gas station gift card, local baby item shop (or someone who knits baby blankets), free or discounted babysitting for your children while you offer pregnancy loss support.

This section is a network of fact and statistic listings.  Please utilize our “types of loss” section for a much more comprehensive support. 

While searching for reasons for infant death may be part of your healing journey, it is not the entire journey and cannot prevent or undo the journey.  Please, we ask you most deeply, that if you seek answers, to have support with you as you do.  We do hope that if you are considering getting pregnant again, that infant death can be prevented.  But we cannot guarantee or endorse any one method for that to happen.  Finding inconclusive tests or finding medical reasons can bring you to a fresh level of grief, one that requires support.

Statistics

One in Two Won’t
In Twenty Minutes

Infertility

• Resolve
• Fertile Hope (cancer treatment)
• Conceive online publication

Maternal Diagnosis

• MTHFR
• Factor V Leiden

Notes: Folate, not folic acid, is recommended in pregnancy, as well as B12, not cyanocobalamin, for mothers with the above.  Some studies also indicate a possible connection with newborns of mothers with the above diagnoses having tongue tie and jaundice.

Also: You might ask your provider about including MTHF

Umbilical Cord Information

• Cord Complications

Miscarriage

• hCG Testing
• Facts About Miscarriage

Stillbirth

• International Stillbirth Alliance
• Star Legacy Foundation
• ISPID
• Missing Angels Bill (does your state offer a birth certificate for stillbirth, or only a death certificate?)

Medical Mistakes

• AIM
• James’s Project (medical mistakes in hospital)
• Our Child Loss section has resources for medical provider mistakes

Pregnancy Loss Involving Twins or Multiples

• CLIMB

Neonatal Death

• March of Dimes

Fatal Diagnosis Resources

• Fatal Diagnosis Links

Nonmedical Fertility Support

• Fertile Heart
• More SBD Fertility Support Resources

Alternative/Homeopathic Theories Resources

• Diversity Keepsakes/Books
• Palm Reading & Unofficial Diagnosis (“Simian Line”)

(go back to the main Emotional/Spiritual Health section, including support for children and fathers)

These links offer encouragement through the actual process:

• Encouraging verses and quotes through the birth
• Special farewell words and music (from our site)
• Please see our Birth Plan section and our Farewell Celebration section
• Birth professionals, photographers and other resources can also provide emotional support
• Our international Long Term Support section has crisis hotlines, books and more (and our local long term support section has resources in your own community)

Please share a related link or story to be added to the site.  Click here to view long term emotional/support resources available at stillbirthday.

What questions would you ask God about your pregnancy loss?  Ask them in the comments, and with the Lord’s direction, and the Bible’s truths, we can help each other try to navigate this journey of healing and reconciling feelings with God.

I ask that any replies to questions be in full consideration and respect of the person asking them.  We are all healing, so please be sensitive.

Many of these resources were created by other pregnancy loss parents, to offer healing and encouragement from a biblical perspective:

Seeing Red, Feeling Blue

Come On Home

The Answers

Step Out, Sisters (telling others you are pregnant again after loss)

My Baby is Intact (when physical form of baby isn’t whole/isn’t buried)

Perfect Path, Imperfect Steps

I’ve Had an Elective Abortion.  And, I am Loved.

TTC after Elective Abortion

Fasting for Life

Don’t Pick That Apple (divisiveness in marriage and faith)

Spiritual Warfare in Grief

Casting Out Demons (doing something constructive through grief)

A Plan for Good

Do Not Fear

Eternity

Remembering God’s Faithfulness

Walking Through the Dark

Later Stages of Grieving

Psalms for the Grieving Heart (a free e-book format)

Biblical Accounts of Maternal Death

40 weeks

(go back)

“I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; my soul knows it very well.”

Psalm 139:14 ESV

39 weeks

(go back)

“However you treated the least of my brothers or sisters, you treated me,” says the Lord.

Jeremiah 1:5