The Grief Spectrum

I tend to disagree with templates that promotes the notion that grief is linear.

Each person grieves differently, and while there are some definite universal elements to grief, bereavement is as personal an experience as love – because, grief is love, frustrated.

And it seems as if those who do try to shape grief, who try to instruct it and frame it and phase it and stage it and box it and prescribe it, that there is much argument between them as to where to draw the lines and what good grieving looks like.

Bereavement, is both a science and an art.  It is our grief – our internal interpretation of our experience, and it is our mourning – our external demonstration of our interpretation.

The bereavement journey requires both permission and accountability from those whose opinions matter to us, including ourselves.

I tend to see bereavement – both mine and others – as a spectrum.

Day by day, hour by hour, the color of my journey might change color.

What color is your grief, as you read this?  What color would you like it to be?

Further, colors and even feelings can mean different things to us at different times.  If you don’t see your color or your feeling here, know that this is simply a guide, one that is used widely throughout the internet for various applications.  You can share below, what color you would like to see and what you’d like to see it represent.

 

 

Showing a Difference

Most people who know stillbirthday, know that it was created after a doctor called my deceased, 12 gestational week baby, “debris”.

Many mothers have experienced something similar.

So, stillbirthday is going to make a commercial.

We have established a special connection with Toy Box Productions .

 

This video commercial will let families know that they aren’t alone. 

This video commercial will help put positive pressure on more birth professionals to become better aware of the needs of families enduring pregnancy and infant loss.  I am so excited because it’s also going to feature some of my favorite birth professionals, who DO want to provide compassionate support to families enduring pregnancy & infant loss.

I am inviting you, to be a part in SHOWING A DIFFERENCE.

Starting at just $5, you can leave a message for families and birth professionals to see.

For any contribution amount to cover the cost for the video commercial, your message will be published in a special THANK YOU page at stillbirthday for helping to make this a reality.

Toy Box Productions professional videography services are approximately $2,000, but because they too understand that more birth professionals NEED to be better trained in providing comprehensive, compassionate support, they are discounting our price to $1,000!

I am inviting you, to have a real part in what this video is going to do!

You can use the quantity feature to increase your contribution amount, starting at just $5, to match what you want to give to SHOW A DIFFERENCE.  And again, for any contribution amount, your message will be published in a special THANK YOU page for making this a reality.

I will also update THIS page with the total amount and the messages.


My Special Message:

$5 – Jennifer ~ “Thank you still birthday, for everything you have done for me and my family.”

 $5 – “Your work is so important.  Thank you for helping women and their families get the support they deserve.  ~ Ideal Birth Doula Services, NC”

$5 – “Thank you for all you do for bereaved families”–Jamie Bodily, Buchheit Counseling, MO

$15 – “For my babies” ~Sarah

$20 – Thank you for the support you have offered me, and many other women, in our darkest hours and afterwards. ~Cynthia

$25 – Thank you for the support, resources, and amazing doula training you make available to so many people. Your hard work is appreciated! ~Holly

$15 – “Your work is important to me both personally and professionally.” ~ Elly Taylor, author of Becoming Us

$25 – Thank you for the work you do in honoring our complete families, and the One who created them all. ~ Curt, Kristin , and the Young Family Children

$5 – Melanie~ “Remembering Mia…”

$100 – In honor of Christopher, Tia, Eric and Christian ~Amy

$5 – “Thank you for working so hard to bring awareness about our babies and the tragedy of stillbirth…Remembering our Samantha Grace” ~Natalie

$5 – “Thank you for allowing our Angels have voices that need to be heard *R.I.P. Mackenzie Pearl*” ~Paula

$5 – “Remembering our precious daughter, Fernie Dayle Pair” ~Misty

$10 – from Holly

$20 – “Thank you for the education and support provided after the loss of my baby. In memory of all our babies that aren’t with us” ~Wendy

$5 –  “Because I wish I had known about you when my babies died.  Thank you for all that you do.”  ~Tiffany

$10 – “For B.R.” ~Lauren

 

 

Bereaved Dolphin

A dolphin at Dana Point was seen carrying her deceased baby dolphin on her back as she swam through the waters.  Other dolphins followed near her.

There is a more in-depth article, including quotes from the Captain who filmed this sacred footage, here.

This is a powerful and {graphic} visual demonstration of a parent’s love.

Yes, even the creatures of the sea are breaking the silence.

Get Mentioned in a Real Movie!

Stillbirthday, in a special arrangement with Return to Zero producer Sean Hanish, is presenting you with an opportunity to have your baby(ies) name listed in the movie.

 

In an exclusive section to appear BEFORE the other credits, the film will read:

This film was made possible through the generous donations of StillBirthday Families

Immediately below this line, will list the names of OUR BABIES!

This is a very exclusive, very special, once in a lifetime opportunity.  This is a special prominant section of the credits and will be highly visible!

There are additional things as part of this package, which stillbirthday decided to give away (these are now closed)

  • Digital Download (claimed)
  • Seah Hanish’s short films and desktop image from the film (claimed)
  • The film shooting script (claimed)
  • Soundtrack to the film (claimed)
  • One, $500 Limited Edition poster for the film, signed by the cast and director (claimed)
  • Cast & crew screening of RETURN TO ZERO and the after-party in Los Angeles*. From Sean, “This is a great way to get your name attached to a great feature-length film, build your IMDb resume, and schmooze with the cast and crew of the film. (***Does Not Include Travel/Lodging*** Estimated delivery: Feb 2014 Add $50 to ship outside the US).”

Thank you, for spreading the stillbirthday message that zeroes count, by joining in this opportunity to be a part of Return to Zero!

 

Babies’ Names

In the film credits, these read in alphabetical order

 

Daphne Grace Daggett,  Sophie Abigail Moddison, Ezra James Saffeels

Alexandra Margaret Holper (plus 1 ticket to the cast & crew screening of RETURN TO ZERO and the after-party in Los Angeles*)

Aiden Robert Roth, Jeremiah Oliver Roth (plus soundtrack above)

Aria Grace Helen Michael (8 contributers)

Baby Matthews

Grady Joseph Hertweck

Jaimison Henry Smith (4 contributers)

Harlow Marie Redmond

Boston Christine Neeb

Sawyer Erik Williams

Zoe Elizabeth Wood, Addie Kate Wood

Matilda Lauren

Jonathan Anthony Papik

Luke Donavan Irvin, Conner Ryan Irvin

Gabriel Green (2 contributors) (and script)

Julian Rafael Rodriguez (and digital download)

Jaxon Patrick Matulka (and short films)

Kendal Lizares

Makenna Allene Duff

Judah Jubilee Young, Gideon Young, Deborah Young ,Isaac Young, Naomi Young, Jeremiah Young, Hope Young, Caleb  Young, Joseph Young, Gabriel Christian Young, Isaiah Rae Young (2 contributors) (plus 1 ticket to the cast & crew screening of RETURN TO ZERO and the after-party in Los Angeles* and poster)

Cole Morgan Hatfield (plus 1 ticket to the cast & crew screening of RETURN TO ZERO and the after-party in Los Angeles*)

Aurelius James Ernest, Stella Aurelia

Sarah-Jane Kettewell

Maisie Renee Phegley

Caden Matthew Davis

Nash Austin Wheeler

Kailee Lynn Bellanger

Arianna Lynn Sparwasser, Brooke Elizebeth Geasey

Evelyn Marie Kunkel

Christopher Mac Ray, Tia Nicole Lynn, Eric Michael Edward

Morgyn Marie Veneklasen, Prestyn Alan Veneklasen

Isaac Brigham Nielson, Nielson Babies

Angelica Nye

Peyton Mark DeGeorge (plus 1 ticket to the cast & crew screening of RETURN TO ZERO and the after-party in Los Angeles*)

Ruthie Lou Lands

Grae Lingo

Pippa Gracie May

Myles Robert-Clifford Scott

Sienna Jeane Rubenstein

Timothy William Purdy Jr

William Carter Duffy

Kylie Nicole Helton

Titan John Harmon

Harper Grace Leach

Stephanie Joanna Schmaltz

Aiden Joshua

Zachary Bryan Spray

Grayson V Schratwieser

Payton Marie Johann, Anderson Chris Johann

Calan Chelton, Anduril Chelton

Caedmon Thies, Niahm Thies, Joyous Thies

Michael Rae Coronado

Peyton Grace McFadin

Levi Burt

Mackenzie Pearl Boggs

Alissa Samantha Soolayman

Lia Joy Mitchell & Siblings

Wyatt Kasey McCauley

Baby Cramer

Isaiah Christopher Ross

Landon James Richards

Baby Leighty

Jillian Rose Lee

June Lee Monte

Sophie Elizabeth Goodwin

Gabriel Sloan Franini

Baby Maureen Anne

Josiah Alan Kaminsky

Nathaniel Blake Jacquinot

Andrew Joseph Hefner, John Gerard Hefner

Kaidynn June Colburn

Carleigh McKenna Haas, Leah Faith Motter, Jordan Leigh Haas

Carter Cooper Barry

Lily Katherine Allen-Ball

Sydney Adriana Mohney

George Patrick Andrew Corr

Tossie Adaline Hill

Christopher Michael Hathaway

Josiah Craig Beimert

Corbin Walker Caruthers

Lily Isherwood-Connor

Samuel Evan Fredrickson

Noah Alexander Porsche

Colton Batchelor

Isla Michaela Johnston

Noah Scott Koning, Joanna Claire Koning, Emilie Alyse Koning

Joshie Curtiss

Ethan Charles Donaldson

Josiah Eugene Wilson

Christiana Karafantis

Steven Michael Toothe

Hannah Katherine Larsen

 

Fertile Diversity

Here is a place to share your ideas, thoughts, feelings and experiences regarding diversity in birth and bereavement.

You can share anything:

  • old wives tales
  • ancient practices
  • things you’ve heard of
  • cultural practices
  • religious beliefs

On any of these subjects:

  • fertility (things that are said to help or hinder)
  • pregnancy (things to do or things to avoid during)
  • birth (things to do or not do during childbirth)
  • early parenting, and this can include most anything.
  • bereavement, mourning
  • death and afterlife

Here are some examples regarding early parenting:

  • beliefs about breastmilk
  • family customs, the role of each member of the family
  • practices immediately postpartum
  • beliefs about various infant or maternal diagnoses or medical care

Here are some examples regarding bereavement:

  • beliefs about proper mourning
  • customs or expectations around bereavement

Share Your Thoughts

You are invited to share comments, links or other resources that can help create a positive dialogue and more open communication regarding better understanding diversity in all subjects surrounding birth and bereavement.  Sharing a comment does not make that opinion exclusive fact (there may be many beliefs in one culture, for example).  As with everything at stillbirthday, these comments are moderated and anything remotely derogatory toward any belief will not be published.

See What We Have

Check out the great resources we already have listed at our Long Term Healing resources; we want this list to keep growing – specifically as they apply to diverse beliefs, practices and traditions on these subjects.

Get Even More Involved

Share Your Story

Please, consider sharing your special story here at stillbirthday.  It will also be held in our section of diversity stories.

If you feel particularly well versed in any belief system, you might want to expand on your comment here,and contribute an article as a member of the SBD News Team!

Stillbirthday provides birth and bereavement support globally, and students in our training come from all over the world!  If you’d like to become a member of our internationally respected birth and bereavement doula training program, with an emphasis in diversity, check out our SIS discount and join our Stillbirthday Birth & Bereavement Diversity team!

 

Parenthood through ART

Here at stillbirthday we address many aspects that may present themselves through pregnancy and infant loss.  Some of these include primary infertility, secondary infertility, utilizing ART, and, loss after ART (medically assisted conception).

I invite you, mothers and fathers, to share what your experiences, perceptions and feelings are in regard to identifying motherhood, fatherhood, parenthood, through ART.

Have you utilized, or contemplated utilizing, the assistance of ART for pregnancy?  Have you utilized an egg or sperm donor?

Have you been challenged by feelings of identity?  Inferiority?  Jealousy?  Grief?

Has your journey and your parenthood given you elation?  Validation?  Redemption?  Healing?

I invite you to consider sharing your story with stillbirthday, so that more parents can learn from your journey.

 

Take Your Shoes Off

Welcome to stillbirthday.  Read below for our password, and for our copyright information.

Take Your Shoes Off

Stillbirthday is not just another website on the internet.

It is a place that holds life.  We at stillbirthday speak life.  We at stillbirthday honor life.  We at stillbirthday mourn life.

Parts of stillbirthday are password protected.  All of stillbirthday should be respected as if it were password protected.

Our stories are a first hand account of possibly our darkest of days, our most traumatic days, and we share our most intimate of thoughts and feelings as we reflect on the life, and death, of our children.

As you step into a story, it is like you are stepping into the room in which a mother first discovers her lifeless child.

Whatever her interpretation, whatever her beliefs, whatever her reaction, whatever her words,

you are walking on holy ground.

Take your shoes off.

Show respect.

Show reverence.

Show compassion.

Learning about the password is intented to slow you down.

It’s intended to get your spirit right.  Your mind right.  Get your soul right, before entering.

The Stillbirthday Password

The ONLY reason to see something contributed at stillbirthday is to be loved and to give love.  Anyone who uses any contributed materials or content published at stillbirthday, outside of these standards may be subject to its author/rightful owner pursuing legal action to the fullest extent of the law, including within the anti-circumvention law, misusing the electronic password barrier.  This might include republishing a story in part or in entirety with re-interpretation, republishing a photo that does not belong to you, publishing the password without this notice, or in any way using a bereaved authors own healing journey in a way intended to cause emotional harm to that author or any other bereaved person who potentially may interpret their own experiences in a similar way.  You can view our Sharing Rights and Responsibilities page for more information.

By entering in our password to access what a member of our stillbirthday family has contributed here, you are agreeing to these terms and agreeing to abide by these expectations.  It should be considered that by proceeding with using the password you are in agreement of the above.  Finally, the password is stillbirthday

 

Heidi Faith’s story

This place is where I come to mourn my fourth child, born via natural miscarriage on April 19, 2011.

I saw his lifeless body, bobbing on the ultrasound monitor.  I was terrified.  I searched, frantically.

I peered into the screen, praying, more deeply than I ever have in my life.

“Please God, speak life back into him.  Please, God.  I know You can do this…”

It was the most intense request, the biggest miracle, the deepest I have ever pressed into God.

When the ultrasound machine was shut off, and all I could see was blackness, I was encountering a spiritual experience that would change the course of the rest of my life.

Why wouldn’t God perform this miracle?

Why has my baby died?

I was having a holy encounter.  A supernatural experience.

I was deeply, profoundly vulnerable, as my entire being was overcome by the vastness and weight of what I was experiencing.

A doctor entered into the room, and attempted to break through this sacred space.

She tried to cut through with slicing words.

The very first thing I heard from another human being, in my most vulnerable, spiritual encounter, was

“Call it whatever you want: products of conception, the potential for life, but…” as she clasped her hands firmly on my trembling shoulders she continued, “we need to get that debris out of there.”

The Rights of the Bereaved

Every bereaved person has a right to an authentic mourning.

Every bereaved person has a right to interpret his or her experiences in his or her own way.

Every bereaved person has a right to their feelings shifting and their perception changing through the course of their healing journey.

Every bereaved person has a right to discover how to nurture and discipline their grief for their own greatest healing.

Every bereaved person has a right to bring a flicker of light, of hope, of healing, to another bereaved person as they may be in the darkest days of their life.

Every bereaved person even has a right to make mistakes, to stumble, to not have a smooth, linear grief, but to recognize their own accountability within their own experience with grace and the accountability of others within their own experience with mercy.

Every bereaved person has a right to explore healing options, resources and expressions, free from the condemnation of others.

I implore you, to read our stories, read our experiences, with an awe and an admiration for the courage, the raw heartbreak, the discoveries, the grief and the healing, these, our stillbirthday families, pilgrimage on and sojourn through.

I invite you, to consider sharing your story, your baby’s photo, and to participate in the many opportunities for journeying toward healing we have at stillbirthday.

Thank you, for visiting stillbirthday.  May you find a flicker of light if even in your darkest hour here.

Related: be a part of Debris Day!

The Empathy Belly

The Empathy Belly is just one amazing item brought with to our Mother’s Workshops.

 

The Empathy Belly is a multi-component, weighted garment that will, through medically accurate simulation, enable you to feel over 20 symptoms of pregnancy, including:

  • weight gain of over 30 pounds
  • baby kicking and stroking movements
  • blood pressure, bladder pressure and other changes

It is used in various teaching settings, including teen abstinence education and for fathers to better understand what mothers feel during pregnancy.

Stillbirthday, however, uses this as a unique opportunity to enhance and deepen our shared discussion times together during our workshops.  You are not required to use it if you don’t want to, but if you are interested, it is something that can draw you back into those last moments when you were pregnant with your child; perhaps your baby was born before the third trimester and so you didn’t experience what that felt like, or, you have not become pregnant yet, or, you gave birth to a full term baby and, desire to just capture a moment, even simulated, of that time again with your baby.

Our precious sharing circle during our Mothers Workshops is a powerful time of looking at the parts of our feelings that may otherwise stay hidden or silenced.  When so much is taken, and so suddenly from us, when you decide to try on the Empathy Belly, you will realize that it is NOT your baby, and there can be a profound experience as you remove the item and have a tangible experience of moving forward.

Similarly, if you are a mother present in our sharing circle and decide that the experience of the Empathy Belly isn’t something you feel you need to try, there is also great empowerment in that decision as well.

Either way, it becomes your decision.  And whatever decision you make, can help you move into some of the deep feelings that may otherwise remain more difficult to uncover, and, can help you continue to move forward.  It’s not about you wearing it or not, it’s about you being allowed a decision – a healing decision.

Take a look at all of the wonderful things that make up our stillbirthday Mother’s Workshops – and our workshops for professionals too!

~~

If you are a medical or birth professional in the Kansas City area and are interested in renting the Empathy Belly for teaching purposes, email at heidi.faith@stillbirthday.info.

Stillbirthday Palliative Birth Center

I need your support.  I need you to tell everyone you know that I need their support.  Stillbirthday is breaking ground on something enormous, and I can’t do it alone.

I need you to be a part of this.

I want to open the very first Palliative Birth Center.  Let me share my vision with you:

 

Stillbirthday Palliative Birth Center

and Family Centered Infant Burial Meadow

A facility that provides holistic prenatal, palliative, birth, and farewell care, including:

  • clinical pregnancy tests
  • 4D ultrasounds
  • urgent care: particularly for threatened miscarriage
  • physician and nurse consultation
  • factual information on prenatal development
  • prenatal vitamins
  • Love Cupboard support for tangible maternity and newborn items
  • optimal pregnancy health education including nutrition and fitness
  • individualized, palliative approach to difficult or fatal diagnosis
  • referrals to select perinatologists and genetic counselors who support our vision
  • birth preparation including meeting your stillborn baby
  • labor & delivery care including specialized birth requests, additional family involvement
  • immediate neonatal care: particularly for fatal diagnosis but including memory making
  • surgical support including medically assisted birth, and organ and tissue donation options
  • birth certificate in accordance with Missouri law
  • immediate postpartum care, including lactation
  • bereavement support including farewell planning
  • family centered next step planning and arrangements including natural burial on our grounds, by our SBD Chaplains
  • additional respite care beyond 24 hour postpartum
  • referrals for additional bereavement support
  • follow-up postpartum assessment(s)

Stillbirthday Palliative Birth Center affirms:

  • The religious, cultural and ethnic background of mothers and fathers impacts the experience of pregnancy.
  • The religious, cultural and ethnic background of mothers and fathers impacts the experience of pregnancy and infant loss.
  • The right to plan an out-of-hospital birth including miscarriage, stillbirth, and fatal diagnosis.
  • Researchers are only just beginning to document the vast physical, social and psychospiritual health benefits of physiological birth, and that a palliative approach to pregnancy and infant loss best mirrors this.
  • The value of interdisciplinary prenatal, palliative and bereavement care.
  • The documented value of palliative care, and of hospice settings, in other end-of-life experiences, which will be mirrored in our Palliative Birth Center.
  • Political issues such as statistics of midwife attended, out of hospital stillbirth should not inhibit the right to holistic, palliative, out of hospital birth decisions.
  • The right to create family-centered farewell plans, including natural burial (at our property), in accordance with state and local laws.

How you can help:

In short, we need a whole lot of prayers, and we need a whole lot of money.  Please, consider how you can help.  Please email Heidi.Faith@stillbirthday.info to get involved.  It would be an honor to have one or more primary financial founders who would be instrumental in providing the support that so many families deserve.  If you would consider becoming a large financial founder, you would be establishing a living legacy that would impact the world in a much needed, tremendously significant way.

This is just a sample birth center floor plan.  Here is the online source for this sample photo.

You can contribute to the development of our Palliative Birth Center in any amount:




You can send your thoughts, letters of encouragement, written prayers, and/or financial support to:

The M0M Center
101 W. Washington Street
Kearney MO 64060
With checks payable to:
Christian Childbirth Services LLC

The M0M Center is a refuge to give birth to healing.  It is the first piece to this Palliative Birth Center vision.
The M0M Center began in a 600 square foot facility and after the first year we relocated to a space that is more than double the size to make room for our growing ministries and services.
The M0M Center on facebook
The M0M Center website

Thank you!

Below is a list of people and organizations who have supported our vision by contributing

 toward the development of the Stillbirthday Palliative Birth Center:

  • Dr. Julie Wood
  • Northland Cathedral
  • Blessing God’s Way
  • Kristin Young and family

Moving Forward, not Moving On

The mark of the end of 2012 can seem frightening.  If you’ve experienced loss this year, the idea of pushing the numbers, changing the year, can seem like you are forced to forget – made to “move on.”

Moving on is not something I believe that I can do.

I can, however, move forward.

As the year changes, I want to just highlight some important events that have recently occured and that we have planned through the upcoming year:

  • Our Birth & Bereavement Training has been approved for 30 nursing contact hours.  If you are a nurse in the USA, or if you are a doula who requires nursing contact hours, please visit our Birth & Bereavement Training page to learn more!  We will have a training begin in February, and another in the fall of 2013.
  • The Invisible Pregnancy is a journal and guide, now available in paperback.
  • As an introduction to the book, we are hosting the Grief Dare for 15 weeks.  Because we want everyone to know about it, we are also offering free advertising to any website that can benefit bereaved families.
  • In 2013, we will have giveaways just for stillbirthday fathers.
  • Starting in January, we will have an online forum opportunity here called Stepping Stones.  Each month I will pose a new question, and you can discuss it at the SBD Forum, right here on this website!
  • Debris Day is in the weekend of Earth Day.
  • We have a Birth Professionals Workshop in June.
  • 2013 marks 25 years since Proclamation 5890, and we’ll be releasing some important information about Ronald Reagan and about October events.
  • You can sign up for our newsletter to make sure you get all the SBD news!

The SBD® Doula provides support to families experiencing birth in any trimester and in any outcome.

Here at stillbirthday.info, you can learn about the SBD® Doula.