Archives for May 2013
Our Watchful Flicker
May 30, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Told by: Courtney
In April of 2012, my husband and I decided to start trying to conceive. In May my period never came. My doctor said this is normal and sometimes women go months without having a cycle but I knew something was wrong.
After 2 months of no period and countless negative pregnancy tests, we found out my body had quit ovulating altogether and that I had mild PCOS. Progesterone was used to get my cycle going again and we were given Clomid to assist/start ovulation.
On Tuesday, November 6, I found out I was pregnant and surprised my husband with balloons, posters around our house, and an outfit with his favorite basketball team emblem on it! We were thrilled!
I know a lot of people wait to tell family and friends until after 12 weeks but we told everyone! We could not wait! This is what everyone was praying for and it was happening! A couple weeks later we had our 8 week checkup and we saw our baby and heard that precious heartbeat.
One week to the day later I was at work and felt like my period had started. I ran to the restroom to see that I was bleeding very heavy and having extreme cramps. I knew I was miscarrying. I called my doctor who said to come straight in for an ultrasound. I got to the office and tried to control my emotion while waiting to be called back. My husband was out of town on a business trip so with my Mama and my best friend by my side we were taken in for an ultrasound.
The nurse showed us the baby on the monitor while she took measurements. I thought Baby looked bigger than last week and that gave me a moment of hope. The nurse pointed to the screen and said “this is where a flicker should be. I’m so sorry but there is no heartbeat”. The room went blurry with tears. My Mama began to weep for her daughter’s broken heart and the loss of her daughters first child. My best friend began to cry for the loss of a baby who we had already jumped up and down and hugged til it hurt over. In that short moment I had a million thoughts. I wanted my husband who was driving home from Alabama (still 4 hours away), I wanted my baby, I wanted to understand why, I wanted them to be wrong, I needed them to be wrong. I’m crying hard now. I want to sink deep into the hole, I could feel depression and wanted it. I want to lose it, go crazy, and scream.
But in the midst of every thought and emotion this still small voice pushes through and gives me a peace that I cannot describe. God was speaking into my heart who He is even in that heart breaking moment. I began speaking it out loud- “He is good, He is just, He is kind, He is right!” Over and over the words came out.
I knew that this had not caught Him off guard and that was enough to give praise for. We are placed in an exam room and the doctor finally enters. She starts with an “I’m sorry” and then proceeds into everything that will happen next. I remember seeing her mouth moving but I cannot tell you all the options she gave me nor the words she was saying. I managed to say “whatever you think is best” in regards to her speech. She said a D&C would be the best due to my history of issue this would be best preparation for another pregnancy.
The next day I delivered our baby via D&C. I was 9 weeks and 2 days. Casey Harper was born on December 12th 2012. I know that I will see my precious first born one day and until that day I know the Father is loving on my sweet one.
We have been trying to conceive since we lost Casey but have not been successful. I am worn out with trying and go in and out of anger at everyone including God at why this happened and why I cannot get pregnant again. July 7 2013 is rapidly approaching, the day I was due to deliver. My heart is broken but I believe God has a plan for our family.
Teresia Suzanne, SBD
May 27, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Certified Birth & Bereavement Doula® serving North Carolina
Email: TeresiaSuzanne.SBD@stillbirthday.info
Specifically serving Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill (the triangle area) also Wake Forest/Youngsville Louisburg
Remembering The Memory Keepers
May 26, 2013 by 3 Comments
Keepsake photography is so enormously important. It is an important part of meeting our babies, an important part in saying farewell to our babies, and an important part in healing.
A photographer’s flash may be the very first light that breaks through the most impossibly dark days of our lives.
Stillbirthday desires to remember those who help us remember.
These are just some of the special photographers who have supported stillbirthday families.
I encourage you to spend time reading about them and visiting their websites, and to add comments to add any additional links so we reach them. Hiring these photographers to capture your special moments supports them in a very practical way as they support those who are hurting.
To say thank you to our Memory Keepers, each photographer here is gifted with our Carly Marie Scholarship. We will also help promote each photographer, by sharing their business information from time to time at the stillbirthday Facebook page.
{The words below are directly from stillbirthday families as they spoke with me about their Memory Keepers. Parts of their conversations may have been edited out to preserve the privacy of those we wish to honor. Many of these Memory Keepers are also bereaved themselves.}
Michelle Cramer
Michelle is the founder of On Angels Wings, where she provides free professional photography as well as outreaches into long-term support resources for families enduring loss.
Christina Newby
Christina Newby at Milestones Photography. She is a NILMDTS photographer. She did our photos with Aaron at the hospital.
Angie Thompson
Angie Thompson @ Photographic Memories by Angie. Angie is an amazing photographer and an even more amazing friend. She donates her time and talent through nilmdts photographing and documenting the short memories of the lives of those babies gone too soon. When my son was born 12 years ago we did not have such ministries. No on talked about it. No one wanted to remember. No one, except me. Angie is one of very few how has given me permission to rejoice in my son’s short life, to recall his face, his kicks, the day he was born, and the day that he left me.
Simone Hanby
She is amazing and although not a birth photographer, she took photos at my last sons birth and they are sooooo fantastic. Her name is Simone Hanby from Imagine Creative Images.
Jamie Barton
Jamie Barton, of JamieB Photography. She is special to me because when we did our family photos for the first time a year after our loss, she helped us incorporate her and did some special pictures for me. It was amazing to have someone so open & willing to do something so sacred & special.
Briana Snyder
Briana Snyder Photography – when we lost our Oliver she asked if we wanted pictures right away. She wanted to make sure we had photos and she made a sweet photo book for us and all without a single thought of charging us.
Danielle Mitchell
Danielle Mitchell Photography – she was starting a photography business and we wanted a special shoot with pictures Briana did (who was booked up) included with us so we had photos of us all together since our 2yr old never met him at the hospital.
Didi Miles
Didi Miles of Natural Approach Photography. Not only is she one of my closest friends and pseudo mom, she is an amazing photographer.
When I lost my baby she was a tremendous support. And when my baby would have been due she had me come in for a photo shoot to help me feel better. And when I got pregnant again and had my baby girl she was there to hold my hand and photograph the entire thing. She is so incredible.
Blair Banks
Blair of Blair Banks Photography is special for so many reasons… she started a project in his memory to teach pregnant mothers about kick counts… she took the last photographs that we have of our sweet Mason.
Joshua-James Newman
My special photographer is Joshua-James Newman of Joshua James Newman Designs.
Sarah Holst
Sarah Holst with Fresh Blend Media is amazing. I would love to honor her somehow.
Steph (Lullaby Grace)
My amazing friend Steph who owns Lullaby Grace Photography she took photos of my belly before I had my angel Thomas. Been there through thick and thin and now is doing photos documenting my pregnancy with our rainbow baby.
Julie Matheson Dorta
Julie Matheson Dorta is my special photographer. She did my maternity pictures when I was pregnant with Bryce and Keiran. My boys were stillborn at 33 weeks. When I got pregnant with my rainbow, she did my maternity shots again, for free because of all the heartache I had been through. She has captured almost every stage of this first year, and will capture my wedding in October!
Christi Bernlohr
The photographer WE love is Christi Bernlohr of Bernlohr Photography. She took pictures of our son Grayson V and gave us such amazing memories. She never met us but she cried like one of us. She is amazing!
Rachel McCoy
Rachael McCoy photography. The pictures will be cherished for a life time since they are all we will ever have of her.
Sara McConnell
Sara McConnell is a very special and respected photographer in Ottawa, Canada. She came to our Doula group and spoke to us about photographing babies who were stillborn by creating different photos for families to cherish. Sara described some of the things a parent might like to cherish and offered her services to our Doula group if we ever found ourselves supporting a family who are grieving for their baby.
Hallie Dedrick, Stephanie Randolph
Hallie Dedrick and Stephanie Randolph. I had a unexpected full term still birth in October 2011. My Doula (Hallie Dedrick) stayed by my side the entire time and was also there as a photographer. She captured the only pictures I will ever have of my baby boy. She took such professional quality photos in the poor lighting and the in the sad mood of my hospital room. Later she tried her best to edit the photos but never had training to do so. We talked to another local photographer (Stephanie Randolph) and she has worked for NILMDTS and was able to edit the photos for me. Now I can look at my photos and share my photos and it appears my baby has a clean completion and is peaceful. I don’t know what I would do without these ladies talents and generosity ♥
Marnie Pouget
A special photographer is Marnie Pouget. Marnie gave me a gift that I could never repay her for. Marnie, came to the hospital and this time took pictures of my now 8mos old son’s birth, from beginning to end. Including his double true knot. The significance of that picture alone is mind blowing. Our Naomi had one true knot and that is why we lost her. She has walked along our side, through both, capturing memories that I don’t ever want to lose!
Tiffney Smith
Tiffney Smith, of Tiffney Smith Photography! When we found out we were going to have an angel baby, Tiffney came to the hospital and took photos of us with our sweet Ava after she had passed. While she is a newborn photographer, Ava was her very first, and considering the circumstances, she did it with such care and love. Ava had some facial deformities and Tiffney never made us think she was anything than perfect. Her photos are what I will cherish for the rest of my life and I will forever be grateful.
Julie Wagner
Julie Wagner of Beautiful Beginnings. It was an act of God that she came to the hospital and took amazing photos of our still born baby girl Catherine at 38 weeks. She was amazing and had never taken those kinds of photographs before.
Kassandra “Kassy” Beale
Kassandra Beale (Kassy), helps loss mommies by taking FREE photographs for them in remembrance of their child.
Elaine Zelker
Elaine Zelker was our photographer and friend at Judah’s birth. We were SO blessed to have her.
Kim Chandler
My special photographer is Kim Chandler, she now dedicates her free time between delivering pizzas to memorializing lost babies with pictures, including writing their names on flower petals. She took my favorite pictures at our Remembrance Day event, and will be doing so again this year. She is working incredibly hard to build her portfolio in order to become a NILTDTS photographer and I hope and pray she reaches her goal.
Patti Ramos
Patti Ramos, hands down, is amazing in all ways.
Connie Sorg
My friend and photographer Connie Sorg does amazing work and doesn’t charge a lot for it. She’s a sweetheart and a wonderful woman.
Leah Sandretzky
Leah Sandretzky- Heartbeat Photography. She is a VERY special photographer because after we lost one of our twins, born still, she drove an hour and a half out of her way to come to the NICU where our survivor was, to take family-newborn pictures for us. For FREE. Not only that– but she also secretly took donations from friends and family to buy our family remembrance necklaces and bracelets for our lost daughter. When she received the jewelry, she went to the nearest beach, and took photos of the jewelry. AND she put out daughters name in CarlyMarie’s list to have her name wrote in the sand. When she sent the jewlery to me, she also included a cd mix of beautiful grieving songs. She is an extremely beautiful soul, so generous and amazing. I’ve wanted to do something, anything to pay her back for her generosity.
Bozena Olszanska
A very special photographer is Bozena Olszanska. She took the ONLY photo of my sweet stillborn son, Oscar. Not only did she come to the hospital, to take his photo, but she edits it every year on his birthday, with different backdrops…
Heather Brouillete
My friend runs hay.LO Photography. Her name is Heather Brouillete. She is an amazing woman and photographer. She stayed in the hospital with my husband and I while we were being induced with our angel. She was with us day and night for 4 days. She witnessed the birth and death of our son and captured it beautifully on film and video.
Chelsea Self
My special photographer is Chelsea Self from Self Reflexion – she took priceless photos of my two daughters during their very limited time here on this Earth. I’ll cherish all of the photos she took for the rest of my life – she’s amazing in every sense of the word.
Siri Salonen
Siri Salonen is a very special photographer! When she heard of the birth of our daughter born without a heartbeat, Gabriella Rose, she offered the suggestion of placing something symbolic in our future photographs to represent our daughter. We chose a pink rose. Five years later, we still place a rose in professional photos of our family and of our now five living children.
Siri also edited pictures of our daughter that we took during and following her birth. Siri made us a beautiful hardcover book filled with meaningful quotations and pictures of our baby girl. Siri is amazing, and has touched our lives in so many ways.
Ashley McConnell
Ashley is a one of the kindest people God ever created. Words cannot do justice to her.
Rachel Bell
Rachel Bell edited the pictures, made a slideshow for her memorial, and shared her own personal story. She was a rock for us those first few months and someone we still speak with…
Steph Villa Davis
Steph Villa Davis is my dear friend who has a huge passion for what she does and deep heart for blessing families. She’s in Los Angeles.
Cynthia Woodmansee
A photographer here in California volunteers with the organization that provides photos to parents of still born babies. Her name is Cynthia Woodmansee.
Ronice Sceski
Ronice Sceski from Ronice Kay Photography
Crystal Martin Farmer
My favorite very special photographer is Crystal Martin Farmer. She did amazing photos when we lost our son unexpectedly last year at 18 weeks gestation. She’s reserved in that she follows the lead of those she photographing. We have several of her pictures from our few moments with our son.
Angela Donaldson
My friend Angela Donaldson, in spite of many challenges, finds time to be a NILMDTS photographer.
Michelle Wortley
My friend Michelle Wortley is currently doing a photography course as she would like to be able to provide a photography service in her local hospital for anyone who loses a precious baby to stillbirth or neonatal loss. The photos she took of Bailey were fantastic. She is such a special friend who I met after losing my own son. We now share a special bond.
Stillbirthday families remember our Memory Keepers
New Loss Leaders
May 25, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Whether your experience was some time ago or has been more recent, I first, extend to you my heart, and tell you that I am so very sorry for the loss you may have experienced, that has brought with it, the desire to bring comfort to others.
Your desire to bring comfort and healing to the hurting is an important one. I’d like to take a very transparent moment, to help you embark on this journey.
What I believe to be the most important thing to know, is that there will be feelings – surprising feelings – that you may be faced with, on your journey.
Even when I tell you what some of these are, they still may come unexpectedly. And they may rock you to the core.
Jealousy.
You yearn for bereavement to be recognized. You yearn for the hurting to receive support. So when another leader is recognized, why is it that your thrill is also met with a sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach?
Navigating it:
Remembering to appreciate those who have been on this rugged journey a bit longer, is so important. Your feelings – they’ve had them too. There will be another bereaved mother after you, and she, like you, will have a heart to use her heartache for good. She too will see you being recognized before and instead of her. We are all in this together, and we all bring something valuable. Your grace and appreciation toward those who are recognized is just as important as anything else you bring to the work of healing.
Rejection.
Following close behind jealousy, disappointment may follow. Disappointment that ties oh so closely with a sense of rejection. You know that a great way to get your organization noticed is to apply for opportunities. So when the rejection notices fill your inbox, why does it sting? You feel that your loved ones should give their attention to what you’ve experienced and what you’re doing. So when your hopeful expectation is met only with silence, feeling alone, feeling overlooked, feeling forgotten can burden your heart and leave you feeling heavily weary, feeling ashamed, feeling angry.
Navigating it:
Remembering that whomever reviewed your application still viewed your work, that your application in-and-of-itself drew attention, is helpful. That person may remember you – and when it’s needed most.
Remembering that articulating not only what you are asking of your loved ones, but the importance you place on their response, and why, can be helpful for them to understand, and can be helpful as they prepare their response to you. Remembering that support resources for bereaved are also available for you, is also important.
Anger.
Seeing people misusing bereavement support. Seeing people steal keepsakes. Seeing people steal work.
Navigating it:
Remembering to plan ahead is so important. How will you protect the families you serve? How will you handle returns, exchanges, complaints and other needs? Having structure, having flexibility, and having integrity are important.
Abandonment.
“Loss Leaders” are generally bereaved, or have a very deep connection to the bereaved. Once you step out as a leader – someone who provides a product or service to the bereaved, it can seem to quickly be forgotten that you are also bereaved. It may seem as though people forget to talk as nicely to you. Complaints about your product or service can seem to be directly related to the value of your deceased child or the worth of your grief.
Feeling trapped with your feelings, afraid of having nowhere safe to go to unpack them. Fear that mourning will be looked at negatively, that observations will be construed as complaining, fear that showing too much emotion might be construed as a sign that your services are poor or that you’re being manipulative. Feeling that showing too little emotion is contributing to others’ forgetting to recognize your grief, or making you less credible or less able to relate and to support.
Navigating it:
Remembering that you now wear two hats is important for your own emotional health. Establishing support resources for yourself not affiliated with your customers or those you serve can be so important. Taking up hobbies, enjoyable pastimes, or engaging in spiritually or emotionally nurturing rituals, traditions and activities can be helpful. Finding the balance between transparently revealing your weaknesses, while also sharing how you’ve grown, and learning to offer these genuinely without condition, is something that takes a great deal of maturity, honesty and grace.
Competition.
It can be upsetting to see people choosing a different keepsake seller than you, even if your products are similar. Professional competition can seem unnerving and seem, again, to undermine the value of your loss and the worth of your grief. Do you badmouth the competition, lie about them, give up your work because they seem to be more successful? Having a healthy action plan that affirms your own personal worth regardless of business success is important.
Competition can also reveal itself in other, perhaps more subtle ways.
How do your loved ones support your efforts of bringing comfort and healing to the hurting? When you have a “bad day” – when you are feeling particularly sensitive or hurt, can you share your feelings honestly with your loved ones, without fear that they will tell you to “just close shop”? Do you feel that you are having to bottle your feelings, having to pretend you are happier than you are?
When you evaluate your emotional needs, do you believe that they have become greater since becoming a leader? Do you believe that you have more grief, because you endure these challenges listed here?
Your emotional needs are not greater because you are serving others. Yes, I said that, and it can be painful to accept it. Your service may provide more frequent reminders of your emotional needs, but your grief journey is not more worthy because you are subject to these painful moments. You have challenges of bereavement (personal), and you have challenges of leadership (professionalism). The two can often seem indistinguishable and to magnify one another, and it takes great accountability and a great support system around you, to help differentiate the two and identify how the two may impact one another.
Navigating it:
It is important for you to nurture yourself in such a way that your emotional health does not become conditional upon the seeming success of your efforts to bring comfort to others. The process of removing this condition can take time and practice. It can take grit and sweat and tears and prayer. It can in fact, be the most difficult part of your journey.
Temptation.
You log onto Facebook. You see a page that talks about a subject that you can connect with your service or product. They have like, a billion likes! Surely they can benefit from knowing about you, so you kindly give them a little “link love”. You know what I’m talking about.
Then they send you that rejection. They deleted your link, they didn’t share it, they don’t seem interested. It’s hurtful because you know that community can genuinely benefit from what you bring.
Then you go to your own Facebook page. You see an unsolicited comment with a link to something that you think “I don’t know what that’s all about. I care about my readers, and I don’t want to be leading them to something I don’t know all about. Besides, they’ve got care here.” So you decide to delete their link, or not share it, or not address it.
The temptation to oversee your own hypocrisy can cause you to turn to deep disappointment toward communities who really should be sharing your work, and deep agitation toward those who fail to address you as an individual.
The temptation to forget your original objective – to help the hurting. As innocent as your work began, the feelings that can creep in can totally destroy it. The temptation to steal work. The temptation to lie. I’ve seen the most known and well appreciated “leaders” in bereavement support sink to dishonesty, and as a bereaved mother myself, it pains me to see their character damaged in that way.
The temptation to give up. The temptation to forget that any of the feelings explored on this page may probably happen to you.
Navigating it:
Remembering that you want to help, and remembering why you want to help, is important. Considering ways to collaborate. Evaluating, perhaps with support, those deeper feelings of insecurity, fear of rejection, and conditional placements on your perceived successes.
Remembering to have an action plan for your own marketing, having an idea in mind about what you would like to achieve, having an understanding that professional competition can be softened with your identifying others as individuals, all can be so valuable, to the success of your professional goals, but also to your emotional health.
We each bring something valuable. Whether your product or service seems to be a re-created wheel or is innovative and new, we each, simply by having an option, help those we are intending to help.
It is so difficult to give grace when you are the one who’s grieving. Remember that. Say it. Bookmark this page, and come back when you meet these feelings.
You need support. As a bereaved individual, you need support. As someone seeking to bring healing to others, you need support. Remember that, too.
If I can ask you to remember five things in your journey, it’s these:
- Be humble.
- Be flexible.
- Be patient.
- Be genuine.
- Be supported.
Being a “leader” is a very loose term, simply to mean that you have something to offer others. What you give to others is much more important in matter of worth than what you will ever receive in return.
CONNECT.
Here at stillbirthday, we seek to bridge that devastating chasm between the moment loss is discovered, to the time when support is provided.
And you can be a part of that.
If you have a little blog that shares your story, if you have a start up shop, if you have an announcement, I do want to know about it. You can use the “contact us” tab above, leave a comment below, or feel free to “spam” our Facebook page with your link.
If it’s offensive, if you’re asking for private information, for things like photos, for money, for something that directly replaces what we provide here at stillbirthday, for anything that I think might hurt me, or those who walk the journey of grief – my stillbirthday family – I may delete it. I don’t reshare anything, anywhere, of any stillbirthday family member, that can be pulled somewhere outside of the stillbirthday ability to remove it. If it’s anything else, it’ll stay, and if you have a question about that, you can ask it.
Stillbirthday is here for you, so that you can be there for others.
Finally, I want to thank you, for your courage to help the hurting.
To date, I’ve been providing love in bereavement for nearly two years – as a lightly seasoned “loss leader”, by my sharing these embarrassing, difficult but real truths with you, it is my hope that YOU may know, that YOU are not alone.
Related: Resolving to Get Involved
{photo source}
Pledge a Date Night
May 21, 2013 by 9 Comments
Stillbirthday is so entirely honored to be a part of supporting the upcoming feature film Return to Zero.
As the next step in the production process, Return to Zero is working toward estimating the actual interest in their upcoming film, by encouraging you to pledge that you will indeed go to your local theatres to view it.
This film is absolutely critical in lifting the disenfranchisement of parental bereavement.
For the health of your community, for the health of the stillbirthday community, and for the health of your marriage and of your own grief journey, I implore you to pledge to see the film in theatres! Whether you have personally been impacted by pregnancy and infant loss or not, you owe it to yourself and to the community you are a part of to watch this film. Become what we call a stillbirthday Ally, and pledge your theatre seats.
You can also join our online event discussion, where you can find out who your own local leader is, or become one! Many amazing individuals are local leaders – names you may recognize! When you take the pledge, it’ll ask you if you have a local leader. Knowing who yours is, if you have one, is just a way to keep track of how connected we all are – so get connected and peek into that online event discussion. We have local leaders named from several US states, including Kansas, Missouri, Pennsylvania, Texas, Colorado and more!
Just click the pledge photo below to take the pledge to see the movie in theatres – it’s really that simple. You can add Heidi Faith as your local leader, wherever you are located, but if you are outside of the Kansas City area, I’d be even more honored if you’d visit our event page to see if there is a local leader closer to your physical community, and for you to consider becoming one!
**GIVEAWAY**
If you ARE in the Kansas City area (if you are in Kansas or Missouri) and you list Heidi Faith as your Local Leader in the pledge, leave a comment below, and you’ll be entered to win two free tickets to see the film once it’s in theatres. Yep, Heidi Faith will pay for your two tickets. How’s that for incentive? A free date night, while raising awareness and bringing healing.
When the World Stood Still
May 21, 2013 by 1 Comment
Shared by: Charlotte
My baby is Jayden. My twin sister was carrying him for me.
We had been trying for a baby for so long and when my twin sister became pregnant she told me she didn’t want the baby. I desperately wanted one, so we had decided it was going to be carried in her,and I was going to bring him up as my own.
I tried to make my twin sister stay with me while she was pregnant with my Jayden as I was afraid her life wasn’t going well. She had all she needed but I am still sure she didn’t look after Jayden while in her womb. I got the phone call that she had gone into labor. I was nervous. I was very on edge. All she said was that the ambulance had come for her. I rang her again very soon after we had last spoken, and the next words she said broke my heart. My whole world collapsed when she said “the baby is dead”.
I screamed and screamed and shivered and it felt like the world stood still.
My Jayden, my beautiful Jayden. I just wanted to see him, to hear him cry, to hold him tight. I would have given him an amazing life.
I saw him and held him. I didn’t want them to take him. They layed him next to me. I kissed his nose – it was still warm. I kissed his cheek so softly. His skin was so soft.
When I got to the hospital my twin who was the birth mother wanted to just leave. She didn’t seem like she had any feelings at that time. I now know she was using drugs while pregnant with my baby. This is why my baby died, it was because of her neglect and drug use that my beautiful baby died. We didn’t know she was pregnant until she was 3 months along. She wouldn’t have an abortion. She said she was doing well and hadn’t used any drugs for a while and was clean. The pregnancy was traumatic to say the least. I tried to keep her at my home and love her and Jayden but she would keep running away. I tried will all my strength to get her to keep him safe inside her but other than locking her up what more could I do?
I keep feeling so angry toward her but it isn’t going to bring back Jayden so I keep praying to God for her, myself and my husband. My husband and I dedicated Jayden to God, this all happened last night I am still in shock but I pray that I can find a way through this pain.
xxx Jayden xxx too good for this world x
Getting to Know Me
May 21, 2013 by Leave a Comment
Shared by: A Stillbirthday Mother
A part of our Love Letters to Our Bodies
I was pregnant in 2007. At 23 weeks I made the ultrasound morphology (4D).
Unfortunately, my baby had a problem – my baby had no eyes and likely problems on the brain. There is no cure for it.
I had three days to decide…
So I made a birth induction. In the hospital, I didn’t want to touch my belly, afraid to get too attached. When I came back home, my baby belly was not to see anymore – no stretch marks – it looked like nothing happened.
When we made the decision, I hoped to not see an empty container. I had lost a great deal of my weight, and it has taken years to resume it. Also, my breasts became very small, from an M to a XS-S.
I hated to see my skinny body in the mirror.
After time, I started to re-touch my belly. Now, I have a special balm for my navel, for homeopathic support of my feminine body, and to be in contact with this part of my body in the hopes of welcoming new life.
