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Jewelry

January 3, 2012 by 1 Comment

Here is a list of memorial jewelry.   Please visit our Farewell Celebrations and our keepsakes sections for more ideas.

Please visit our Farewell Celebrations for more ideas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Club and Chat

January 3, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Stillbirthday offers an online support club with sessions by subject.

Here is information about our online support club:

You can access the room here: stillbirthday support club.  Our club has three month sessions of interactive topics:

January, February, March

  • COUPLE/MARRIAGE GROWTH – the general emphasis will be on couple/marriage development.  We may use a book that we can all check out from our local libraries and split it up into weekly reading, reviews, projects, or thoughts.  We may focus on the different needs of each partner, how they impact each other, and how spouses grieve individually and together.

April, May, June

  • SPIRITUAL GROWTH – the general emphasis will be on working through the spiritual aspects of pregnancy and infant loss, particularly according to scripture.  We may take a look at different pregnancy loss based Bible studies and devotionals.  Our focus will be on learning more about God through loss.

July, August, September

  • LOVED ONES GROWTH – the general emphasis will be on working through the expectations we have of our family, friends and coworkers.  We may take a look at different personal stories of what has worked and what hasn’t worked in communicating our needs to our loved ones.  Additionally, this segment may include approaches to personal growth, including how we communicate with ourselves and learning how to speak positively of and value ourselves.

October, November, December

  • COMMUNITY/OUTSIDE/NETWORK GROWTH – the general emphasis will be on working together to generate collaborative efforts to raise public awareness of important issues related to pregnancy and infant loss.  We may take a look at things like politics, awareness campaigns, and how to attract more people to recognize the importance of pregnancy and infant loss support.

We will also have an online forum right here at stillbirthday – coming soon!

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NICU Info and Resources

January 3, 2012 by 1 Comment

We have information specific to difficult and fatal diagnosis, including a large listing of outside resources.  Please visit our birth plan that can link you to carrying to term information in addition to these outside links specific to diagnoses.

If your baby has received a diagnosis or is expected to receive care in the NICU, here is a list of resources.  Please continue to the end of this article for information about the reality of NICU grief.

 

Information for Your Loved Ones:

 

Prenatal Educational & Emotional Support:

 

Immediate & Long Term Informational & Practical Support Resources for Surviving Diagnosis:

 

NICU Items:

NICU Support:

 NICU Research & Information:

  • Some providers discourage parents from touching extreme preemie babies receiving NICU care.  This article can give more information on why that is, and what you may be able to do.

Get Connected:

 

NICU Farewell

 

NICU Grief

 

 

The NICU experience alone can promote parents grief.  Please see our article on Identifying Grief to find information and support regarding grief but also the correlation between the NICU experience and grief/depression/PTSD.

Journaling or other expressions can be a wonderful way to help explore the complex feelings that may be a part of the NICU grief experience.  If you had hopes on a particular birth plan, on bonding with your baby just after birth, if you envisioned a birth experience that did not include separation, worries, expenses, interruptions, and platitudes, it is important to give honor to these feelings of disappointment and loss as they may surface.  You can find the richest healing when these feelings aren’t suppressed and minimized, but when they are explored in an authentic yet appropriate way.  With support, you can explore these things in a way that brings healing.  Our very large bereavement section of resources may prove helpful to you.

 

NICU Diaper Cake and other ideas for loved ones

NICU diapercake

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Virtual Grief

January 1, 2012 by Leave a Comment

The online sharing of experiences, thoughts and feelings is still a relatively new concept; Jorn Barger coined the term “weblog” in 1997, Bruce Ableson founded “Online Diary”, the first social networking site, in 1998, and it wasn’t until 1999 that blogs first became popular.  Facebook launched in 2004, Twitter in 2006, and Google+ in 2011.

“The entire range of feelings, from happiness to anger to love to grief, can find an outlet online. When it comes to personal loss, some people already use social media to announce the death of a loved one, and some websites specialize in helping friends help grieving families with their practical day to day needs (preparing meals, taking the kids to school, etc.). Therefore, it is only natural that we would use social media to help us grieve as well.” -Dr. Aboujaoude (source)

“People share everything online. Files, baby photos, videos of special occasions, random thoughts, bad days, new jobs and landmarks constantly traverse the Internet.

Naturally, the web has become a place where people express one of their deepest, most painful emotions: grief.

As in real life, there’s no right or wrong way to grieve online, experts say. That expression varies, from comments on digital obituaries to tribute videos on YouTube to memorial pages on Facebook.

Ken Mueller, a social media consultant from Lancaster, said posting on a deceased loved one’s Facebook wall or creating a tribute video is similar to the way people have grieved for hundreds of years.

‘Maybe it’s the psychological equivalent of going to someone’s tombstone or burial site and leaving flowers,’ he said.

For people who live too far away to attend funerals, social media can help bring closure.

Experts say social media can be a tool to help people work through stages of grief and find support that might have been lacking before they signed on.

‘When you share your grief, the more you share, the more you heal,’ said Rhada Hartmann, director for palliative care and bereavement services at York Hospital.'” (source)

In an interview to discuss the effects of social media and today’s internet on the grieving process, Elias Aboujaoude MD, who is considered an expert on the psychological effects of Internet usage, said the following:

“Vividly revisiting the moment, such as through [remembrance videos and websites], may help us better access the emotions we experienced and how far we have, or have not, come since then.”  He went on to discuss public sharing of thoughts and said, “any attempt at processing what we have been through would have to be good.”

Although much of this interview was centered on 9/11 in particular, Dr. Aboujaoude was asked if there was any downside to collectively commemorting tragic events, and gave the following response:

“People with post-traumatic stress disorder often avoid reminders of the trauma they survived, but I don’t think avoidance is the answer. I believe there is a way to commemorate what happened without getting stuck in the past. Closure is not about never looking back again. It’s about learning from what we went through in hopes of a better future.”

Dr. Aboujaoude concluded:

“The challenge is to avoid the tendency, online, to speed up and dumb down whatever we are engaged in. Grieving is complex and difficult, and it takes time, and if it feels simple, easy or more efficient online, then maybe we are diminishing the process somehow.”

From Beaumont Enterprise, in an article written about a grieving mother:

“It might take a village to raise a child, but it takes twice that to  bury one.

Despite the fact that everyone grieves in their own way, mental health professionals have long been aware of the importance human interaction plays for  those suffering a traumatic loss.

With new technology comes new ways to contribute to the healing  of others.

While learning about her daughter’s life, she learned a valuable lesson about  dealing with her death: As isolated as Ratcliff feels, she will never be alone  in her grief.

On her blog, which anyone can read, Ratcliff said she found a way to express  the feelings that had begun to overwhelm her every day.

‘I didn’t want to have to hear myself say the words,’ Ratcliff said. ‘But to type it out, to have that outlet, has been so healing.'”

Ratcliff, the bereaved mother, said this about grieving: “It’s not a process; it’s a new way of living. It’s almost like living a new  life.  This is what I will do the rest of my life.”

Chuck Oliff, a licensed professional therapist, who was interviewed for the same article, said this about social media’s effect on grief:

“It’s been very helpful for healing, a lot of reminiscing, a lot of talking, a  lot of reconnecting.  More than  anything else, I think it’s just about communicating thoughts  and feelings.”

The article continues:

“While everyone experiences grief in different ways, Oliff said, after a major  loss, many find comfort in having a constant outlet for their feelings. While  individual and group therapy can help, therapists, counselors and pastors aren’t  always available during a person’s loneliest and most trying hours.

That’s where social media fits in.  ‘It gives people a chance to reach out without feeling like they’re intruding,’  said Tom  Broussard, a funeral director at Broussard’s.”

There are, however, risks and downfalls with online grieving:

  • ‘No matter how much people grieve together on social media, the act of coming  together is of the utmost importance when it’s time to say goodbye.  One of the things God gave us is that the edge of that knife gets a  little duller as time goes by. And at the end of the day, the thing that’s most effective is that personal  touch, that personal hug,” (source) Unfortunately, even brief encounters online can be etched in time, cruelly blaming bereaved persons for moments of strong emotion and binding them in a sense of unforgiveness and bondage when they are already bereaved.
  • It’s  not for everyone.  What may work well for one parent may not work at all for the other.
  • You can become overly committed to the responses and updates of others you are communicating with online, and neglect your other needs or the needs of other loved ones.
  • Others online may not realize just how much you are hurting.
  • You can get bad advice, or even be manipulated through your grief.
  • Your words are etched in time and what you may be expressing while experiencing one aspect of grief can seem foreign to you while in another aspect of your grief, and you may wish that your sentiments or expressions were not only remembered, but not used to harm or haunt you.

In conclusion:

Social media and the internet serve as unique and particularly useful tools to help navigate grief.  It provides a way to express things that often seem unspeakable.  It keeps people remain in contact and stay updated, particularly those who cannot be present, such as attending a funeral.  It allows people the ability to share ideas and provide encouragement.  However, it can store feelings and situations long after you’ve worked through them, and can serve to be a sour reminder of times you’ve stumbled in your grief.  You might share expressions that you later regret.  You can receive bad advice or become frustrated by others sharing bad advice with you (or others).  You can be easily vulnerable or easily manipulated.  Trying to discern which is the most important issue, staying the path of working through your feelings, or giving someone else attention for their poor judgement and misinformation can become frustrating (the same, however, is true in our physical interactions or in the “real world”).

Stillbirthday offers advice for social media leaders in how to approach bereavement online, and we ask parents to use caution and discernment for these reasons, as we seek to promote harmonious and healing communication through our program and comments and stories are edited as best as possible for unproductive content.

Please visit our submission information on contributed content to see the ways in which stillbirthday facilitates healthy and positive outlets for communication, and protection from some of the negatives that can come with online grieving.

Grieving families, stillbirthday hopes you see the value of online grieving, but as this is a very new issue, I ask that you protect yourself with discretion in the things you say, and that you prepare to offer grace and forgiveness to those who do not communicate with you as they should, as many online users simply do not understand the struggles faced by our bereaved community.  Please also be prepared and willing to forgive yourselves as you stumble on this journey in healing.

Stillbirthday serves to provide support to families experiencing loss and navigating their grief.  In addition, we seek to provide information, education, and awareness to those not impacted by pregnancy or infant loss.  We too use social media, this website (obviously) and other online platforms to raise awareness and provide useful information.  Please visit our “Outside Insight” collection of articles to gain more understanding of issues regarding pregnancy and infant loss, in addition to the rest of our website.

 

Regarding Online Photography:

  • When sharing photos online, consider that you are doing so likely to raise awareness to the inherent worth of your baby.
  • Drawing from that perspective, it can be helpful to consider what most people are most attracted to visually, and to present your baby’s photo in a way that best aligns with that.
  • It can be helpful to consider that generally, most people are visually drawn to photography that has been captured with professional level skill.
  • When sharing your photo online, it can be helpful to know that there is a prevalence to misuse or even steal photos.  By first opening your photo in a “paint” or similar program, you can size it down until you can open a script window, and type your name into the photo.  This is a very simple way of marking your photo, or ask your photographer to include a marking.  Consider marking the photo in a prevalent, pervasive way.  Save your file as a new name, otherwise your edited version will replace the original!
  • Your professional photographer should be respectful of your ability of sharing your own story authentically and originally, and should not publish your photos before you do or without your express, written permission to do so.
Filed Under: all, Outside Insight / P.R.

Protected: Moments with Micah

January 1, 2012 by 5 Comments

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Filed Under: 16 weeks, Live Miscarriage

Protected: Dreaming of Zachary

January 1, 2012 by 3 Comments

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Filed Under: 09 weeks, All Multiples, Infertility / Recurrent Loss

How to Bathe a Stillborn Baby

December 29, 2011 by 3 Comments

This article works in conjunction to our article that describes what to expect from the appearance of your baby, and the condition of your baby’s skin.  Please see The Skin of Your Stillborn for additional information.

Even the smallest of babies can benefit from a bath of sorts – babies born before ossification begins (approximately 16 or 17 weeks gestation and younger), can be gently placed in a clear container of saline water, which can allow the parents to hold and bond with their baby without damaging the physical form, and, this water can help restore a visible “fullness” of the physical form.  You can visit our early pregnancy at home birth plan for more information.

Related: How to Photograph a Baby Not Alive

Caregivers often are concerned about showing a stillborn baby to the parents, because of the compromised condition of the baby’s body. A baby who has been dead in utero for even a short time can have macerated and discolored skin and a misshapen head. Cleansing the skin of the compromised baby often may be viewed as adding more injury because the skin will slip even farther if a wash-cloth is used. The following information gives practical suggestions on how to care for a macerated stillborn infant.

1. Place the baby into a bath basin of warm bath water which has had baby shampoo added (I like to add Serenity essential oil).

2. Squeeze a washcloth with this shampoo water over the baby’s body; do not rub.

3. With gloved hands, place baby shampoo in hands and gently glide over the stillborn’s body to remove all drainage. Shampoo the hair gently also.

4. Next take the baby out of the shampoo water and discard the bath water. Rinse the soapy water off the baby by placing in a basin of warm water or by holding the baby under a gentle stream of warm running water from the faucet.

5. Take the baby from the rinse water and place on absorbent towels or underpads. Dab with a soft cloth, such as a Chix, to dry the baby – do not rub.

6. Place Vaseline gauze over macerated areas and hold in place with dry gauze wrap.

7. Transparent dressings (i.e. Opsite or Tegaderm) can be used over macerated areas if the skin next to these areas is intact. This type of dressing can be used over a weeping autopsy incision as well.

8. Dry ear canals and nostrils with Q-tips, gently.

9. If nostrils continue to seep fluid, place a small amount of petroleum jelly into each nostril. This will give shape to the nose and prevent further seepage.

10. Choose clothing that opens completely from the front or back. The important thing is to have clothing that promotes the least amount of handling and rubbing of the stillborn’s skin. The least amount of handling prevents further skin slippage.

11. Parents appreciate their baby dressed in blue clothing for a boy and pink clothing for a girl. Sometimes only blue or pink blankets may be available; use the appropriate color.

12. Diaper the baby.

13. Use a baby brush or comb to comb the baby’s hair. A bow can be placed in a baby girl’s hair by placing a small amount of petroleum jelly on the back of the bow to hold the bow in place. Give the comb or brush to the parents for a memento.

14. Snip a lock of hair from the back of the baby’s head for the parents’ baby book. Be sure this is within the family’s culture or belief before providing this memento.

15. If the baby’s head is misshapen, find a cap or hat that when tied under the chin makes the baby’s face appear more round. Fill in areas of the hat with gauze or cotton balls if more roundness is needed.

16. When taking the stillborn baby to the parents, line the baby blanket with absorbent underpads so any further weeping can be collected in the underpad without saturating through the baby blanket. Spraying the underpads and the blanket with a commercial baby powder freshener gives a pleasant baby scent memory and lasts longer than baby powder.

How to Take Photos of a Stillborn Baby

17. Take pictures of the baby clothed and unclothed in uncluttered backgrounds. Sinks, garbage cans, cleansing equipment do not provide backgrounds for memories. Remember whatever you see in the camera viewfinder will be in the picture.

How to Position a Stillborn Baby in the Morgue

18. Positioning the baby in the morgue is very important. If the baby is not in good alignment with the head straight, pooling of blood occurs on the side of the face in which the head is turned. Proper positioning allows for subsequent viewings by the parents with little change in the baby’s facial appearance and color. Use diaper rolls around the head and remainder of the body to promote good alignment.

Related: How to Photograph a Baby Not Alive

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Our stillbirthday birth & bereavement doulas offer guidance in bathing and more.

[Used with permission, RTS Counselor Training Manual, 1993, p. 132]

Care providers can provide positive memories even when the stillborn’s skin is compromised. Hopefully, these tips will provide some practical ideas. For more information, please call or write:

Bonnie K. Gensch, R.N. RTS Bereavement Coordinator Lutheran Hospital—La Crosse 1910 South Avenue La Crosse, WI 54601 Phone: 608-785-0530, ext. 3796

(This article was copied in its entirety from WiSSP)

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Mentorship Program

December 29, 2011 by Leave a Comment

At the close of this article is the Mentorship Agreement that all mentors and mentees will need to read prior to establishing a mentorship relationship.

The Mentorship Program

The mentorship program is designed to create a one-on-one relationship between a newly bereaved parent and a parent of the same gender who has had a little more experience in this path from grief to healing.

The relationship will last 3 months, from the first contact, and will consist of one email exchange a week, for the period of 3 months.   Both the mentee and the mentor will be aware of the timeframe of their relationship, and both will know that they are expected to participate in exchanging a weekly email for no shorter and no longer than the three month timeframe.

To Find a Mentor

You choose the right mentor for you.

To find a mentor, first read through our guidelines here, then visit our list of mentors.  You can contact mentors who you feel are a great match for your needs, and if any are not already in a mentorship relationship, they will email you to begin one with you.  He or she will first make sure that you have read this article, as it contains the outline and expectations of the program.  After that, he or she will contact you weekly via email, for a period of 3 months, to listen to you, encourage you, and learn about other aspects of your life, particularly things that you find enjoyable.  He or she will help you identify tangible barriors in your process of healing, identify support systems and techniques for you to lean on, and help you identify your own inner strength as you find your way through healing.  The goal at the end of the 3 months is to affirm to you that you are not alone, and that other parents have come before you on this journey from grief to healing.

Boundaries/Expectations/Exceptions (Mentorship Agreement)

Grief can bring with it a whole host of unexpected reactions, which can potentially serve to abuse the mentorship relationship and/or the mentor.  For this reason, boundaries are important for this program to be successful.  Basic expectations of this program include:

  • respect for the once a week contact, and not to over-use this resource or the mentor.
  • respect for privacy and space, and not to demand any more information from the mentor/mentee than he or she is willing to share.
  • respect for time, and not to contact in a way that is disruptive to the other person’s life/lifestyle.
  • respect for the duration of the mentorship program, and not to demand, beg, insist or pressure for additional time.
  • respect for the mentor/mentee, and limit use of explitives or anything else that could be deemed inappropriate whenever possible.
  • respect for the emotional limitations of the mentor, and understanding that he or she is not a licensed therapist and that more intensive support may be needed for your grief process.  The mentor is not liable to perform or behave as a psychological professional, and he or she may suggest that you seek additional support if they believe it could prove useful.
  • respect for differences between the mentor and mentee.  Your mentor/mentee may have different beliefs than you, including but not limited to religion, faith, family, death, life after death, reasons for death.  It is not a program requirement that you both align in every way, but both the mentor and the mentee reserve the right to terminate the relationship if these values/beliefs differences serve to be unproductive.
  • respect for your self, and understanding that any threats to harm yourself or others is reason for the mentor to terminate the relationship, referring you to crisis hotlines and your local mental professionals for support.
  • the mentor will check in with the Site Creator and their Mentorship Advocate(s) at least once a month for updates on the progress of the relationship, and together will determine the status of the mentorship relationship and in particular circumstances, will reserve the right to suggest supplemental resources and/or terminate the relationship if it is becoming toxic, harmful, or unproductive.
  • both the mentee and the mentor should have access to their Mentorship Advocate(s) and to the Site Creator, and all extreme differences that prove to make the relationship unproductive should be shared with either the Site Creator or the Mentorship Advocate(s).  The best way to do this, is to submit your reply at the end of the Mentorship tab.
  • Mentors take their role very seriously.  If there is a delay of 3 weeks in your communications, the mentor may be matched with another mentee, and you may need to re-enter your information to be possibly matched with another mentor.  You can enter the mentoring program in this way a maximum of 2 times.
  • If you complete your full mentoring relationship and would like to be mentored further, you can re-enter your information to be possibly matched with another mentor.

To Become a Mentor

Becoming a mentor is a great way to relate to another grieving parent, and to help you to see how far you have come in your own journey.  It is a way to have a positive impact, get involved, and to allow your tragic experience to be used for good.  No official training is necessary, it is free, fairly simple, and can be very fun.

  • You must be a loss mom or dad, with at least one year of time from your most recent loss.
  • You do not need to have had a “perfectly pretty” journey in your own grief experience, but a willingness to see that the difficulties and frustrations you faced can help provide insight, awareness and even prevention for another bereaved parent who may fall into similar steps.
  • Engaging in “continuing education” through activities that are relevant to birth and bereavement mentoring is recommended.  You can use our resource for guidance with this.  The stillbirthday doula training is highly recommended but not required.  The Psychological First Aid online resource is invaluable and strongly recommended.  If you obtain certification through any of their programs (many are free), this will be highlighted in your bio section.
  • The site creator reserves the right to request a letter of recommendation from a pastor, counselor, or leader in the pregnancy loss community.
  • It is not required that you have had a pregnancy or infant loss, but that you have lost a child under the age of 21 years of age.
  • After you submit your information, you will be added to the stillbirthday mentor list.  It is up to you to check your email regularly to see if a newly bereaved parent wishes to begin a mentorship relationship with you.
  • If you receive a mentoring request at a time you feel a match is not appropriate, you should help the mentee locate a stillbirthday mentor who is a better match for them.  Reason for this referral should be clearly articulated that you believe the third party to be a better match to better serve the mentee – you should never imply an issue with the mentee, whatsoever.
  • You must be willing to commit to exchanging an email with a newly bereaved mother/father weekly for a duration of 3 months.  You should utilize our SBD Mentoring Activities as a guide.
  • After a 3 month mentorship relationship, it is recommended that you take 3 months “off” before beginning a new mentorship relationship with another newly bereaved parent.
  • You must be the same gender as your mentee.
  • You should harness and promote positive relationships, resolutions, behaviors, and perspectives to the mentee.
  • You should advocate hope and peace and overcoming negative effects of grief or loss.
  • You should not foster or encourage violence, attacks (physical, verbal, or writing) or harboring feelings of bitterness, retaliation, aggression, depression or passive aggression.
  • You should maintain the highest level of maturity, discretion, and discernment at all times in all communication with your mentee.
  • You should uphold confidentiality and not share any information about the mentee with anyone, at any time, unless it is with the mentor advocates in regard to seeking additional insight into a concern.
  • Physical location (state, province, country) will not be a barrior in matching mentors and mentees.
  • You should not mentor more than one parent at a time.
  • You do not need to give out your phone number to the mentee, and should not give out your address.  Offering more to the mentee than a weekly email is at your own discretion but is not required nor expected.
  • You are expected to update the Site Creator and your Mentorship Advocate(s) at least monthly through the course of each mentorship relationship, so that we can assess the progress and determine additional or alternative support as necessary.
  • Please join our Mentors Facebook group to get updates on fun and exciting ways to engage your mentee in conversation in various topics both related and not related to loss and grief.
  • Stillbirthday is not liable to any damages, whatsoever, to either party, in the mentorship relationship.
  • What happens during the course of pregnancy loss, at any gestation, is in fact, the birth of a child.  It is important to validate this experience for what it is.
  • If we have additional skills, talents or services related to pregnancy in any way, that is run as a business, we do not use stillbirthday as an advertising front to pressure mentees to purchase goods or services.
  • We understand that the form of contact made by stillbirthday mentees is through email.  Therefore, we strive to visit our email regularly, and the group regularly.  Willingness to serve is crucial to our role.
  • When participating in our online group or in other communications, we will respond to each other in a manner that brings the most consideration to feelings (we are loss parents, too), while still cultivating an environment of exploration of ideas.  Our mentor advocate leadership team decide individually and/or collectively on ways to navigate conflict resolution, including offering alternative perspectives or approaches and private consultation/mediation.
  • The site creator reserves the right to request to be forwarded any or all email exchanges in a mentoring relationship or be CC’d in any email exchanges.
  • All stillbirthday content is copyright protected.  Ideas, conversations, and information learned through email updates, phone calls, any form of social media including our private online group, anything learned or derived through the website, or in-person contact between any members of stillbirthday (doulas or mentors) should maintain creative copyright protection; we will properly credit sources of content.  Additionally, we will maintain confidentiality through each of these avenues as appropriate.
  • We aim to connect the family with as many applicable resources as possible; therefore, we refer families back to stillbirthday for ideas, resources, and information.
  • We strive to continue learning more about pregnancy loss through our online group and through self-study, so that we may provide optimum care to families.
  • All services, including mentor services, are listed through stillbirthday voluntarily.  There are no paid employees and the site creator and each mentor has the right to remove her listing at any time.

If you would like to become a mentor, simply join our private group and you’ll get connected with Heidi Faith.

Role of the Mentorship Advocate

The mentorship program is the longest support program offered by stillbirthday.  As such, additional strong leaders are important to running a smooth program.  Two mentorship advocates for mothers, and two mentorship advocates for fathers, help to run the Facebook mentorship group, including: helping to work through various obstacles to healthy mentoring relationships, giving tips, suggestions and resources to the mentors participating in the program, and offering counsel and advice in specific situations.  Having two for each parent/gender helps to ensure that there is someone in a leadership role who is available and who can understand best the specifics that may be involved in a particular situation.   You can email to mentoring@stillbirthday.info or visit our main mentoring page with any issues with the mentoring program.

Breaches of This Contract (by either the mentor or the mentee) and How to Share Concerns

Breaches of the mentoring agreement contract will be handled either by the site creator directly or by the mentorship advocates as a team, but resolutions to breaches are not limited to: referral to additional, professional support for the mentee, interjection/mediation by the site creator and/or mentorship advocates, termination of the mentoring relationship, mentor removal from the program.  It is extremely important for mentees to know that you have a vital line directly to the site creator, to submit any complaints, concerns, compliments and feedback you have about the program and your mentor.  Conflicts or concerns about a mentee or a mentor should be made confidentially with the site creator through the link given, and not made in a public, condemning, shaming or judgemental way.

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The Skin of Your Stillborn

December 29, 2011 by 3 Comments

Preparing to deliver and to meet your stillborn baby can be an extremely overwhelming time.  It can also be very unsettling to discover that he or she has skin changes or a physical appearance that you were not anticipating.  The information provided in this article serves to work in conjunction with our How to Bathe a Stillborn Baby article.

Preparing for what to expect in the appearance of your baby can be very helpful – but it can also be painful.  Please know that the information in this article may be upsetting.

Maceration (from Latin macerare  —  soften by soaking) includes all the changes which occur in a fetus retained in utero after death – in a stillborn baby, prior to birth.  The appearance of your baby’s skin and features can help determine the time of your baby’s death.  Changes take place to your baby’s skin within a few short hours after his or her death.

Macroscopic appearance (How your baby may appear to you):

  • Skin  —  the earliest sign of macerations are seen in the skin 4 – 6 hours after intrauterine death.The epidermis separates from the dermis on applying a pressure (skin slipping). Bullae (bubbles) appear with collection of fluid beneath the epidermis. The desquamation (skin peeling) regularly progresses in time to extensive skin separation on the face, neck, abdomen, limbs and external genitalia exposing red and moist dermal surface.
  • Lips – your baby’s lips may be a bright cherry red, or a deep purple color.  This can be due to birth asphyxia, or due to the baby’s blood pooling after death has occurred.
  • Head  —  collapse of the skull with overlapping bones, cranial bones become separated from the dura and periosteum. Widely open mouth and eyes are frequent with progressive maceration.
  • Internal organs  —  uniform reddish discoloration due to progressive hemolysis, yellow-brown discoloration occurs with retention for several weeks, dystrophic calcification is possible. Organs most severely affected by autolysis are those from abdominal cavity (liver, spleen, adrenals) and brain which is very soft or semiliquid in severe maceration
  • Softening of all organs and connective tissues, laxity of joints.
  • Exudation (leaking) of fluid and hemolyzed blood into pleural (lungs), pericardial (heart) and peritoneal (abdomen) cavities
  • The fetus looks edematous (hydrops-like), later progressive loss of fluid results in mummification.
  • Placenta  —  remains viable after fetal death in utero. Placental abnormalities can be found in many cases (infarction, retroplacental hemorrhage, cord accidents). Placenta should be always submitted to postmortem examination with the baby.

Classifying stages of maceration:

  • 0.  —  parboiled, reddened skin
  • I.  —  skin slippage and peeling
  • II.  —  extensive skin peeling, red serous effusions in chest and abdomen
  • III.  —  yellow-brown liver, turbid effusion, mummification

Estimating the time of death in stillborns:

  • Desquamated skin measuring 1 cm or more in diameter and red or brown discoloration of the umbilical cord correlated with fetal death 6 or more hours before birth.
  • Dequamation involving the skin of face, back or abdomen (12 or more hours)
  • Desquamation of 5% or more of the body surface (18 or more hours)
  • Moderate to severe desquamation, brown skin discoloration of the abdomen (24 or more hours)
  • Mummification is seen in fetuses who had died 2 or more weeks before birth

Additional damage to your baby’s skin can be caused by:

  • Asphyxia (depletion of oxygen) causing Hypoxia (causing skin to either appear a light blue or a deep cherry red)
  • Instrumental delivery (forceps delivery can cause damage to the baby’s skin)
  • Vaginal breech delivery
  • Macrosomia
  • Prolonged or rapid delivery
  • Cephalopelvic Disproportion (CPD) (fetopelvic disproportion)
  • Bathing your stillborn baby incorrectly (see our article on How to Bathe Your Stillborn Baby)

You can have an idea of what to expect when you meet your baby by viewing our photo section of babies, all donated by mothers of miscarried and stillborn babies.

You can learn about how your baby appears now, in Heaven, by viewing our devotionals section.

Parts of this article were borrowed from the Atlas of Neonatal Pathology

Filed Under: all

The Beginning of the End

December 25, 2011 by 1 Comment

This is my first Christmas after my miscarried baby was born.  These are my (somewhat scattered) thoughts:

I reflect on the way I was treated.  The way the doctor grabbed me by my shoulders, and told me that “we need to get that dead tissue out of there” (and calling him “debris”) and the way that I was told that if I miscarry naturally at home, to just expect a menstrual period.  I recall the feeling of holding my tiny baby in the palm of my hand, knowing full well that I could haphazardly toss him in front of my dog, and let her lap him up in one big smack, and that nobody, no medical, no legal representative, nobody would even care.  I remember how worthless my son was to the people who were supposed to give me prenatal care, and the anger wells in my throat, and the cinderblock wall of defense rises in my heart as untapped rage festers behind it.

I reflect on what I felt.  The reality that I was the mother of a baby who the world would not see grow, a baby I would not sing to, a baby I would not nurse, a baby I would not hear giggle or see grab my fingers, this reality was…so thoroughly crushing, I found it hard to breathe, and I find that difficulty return as I remember.  The absolute defeat, the magnitude of hopelessness, was so profound that there simply isn’t a word to describe its power over my heart.  I was shattered, broken, empty of hope and joy and full of pity, despair, and rage.  I attempted to channel these things inwardly, and the claustrophobic level of guilt was literally disabling.  I was broken.

These intense feelings were capped not by my might.  I am too weak to control it.  It is purely the work and the grace of God that has disciplined these feelings and guided them to something much more productive.

I reflect on the way Mary was treated.  Despite the shortsighted romanticism I see protrayed by some Christians, the birth of Jesus isn’t something we should really want to duplicate (by birthing “unassisted” simply because a person thinks that this story must mean that God wants us to, for example).  Mary’s fiance almost left her, the fact that she walked for such a long distance so late in her pregnancy, the government wanted baby Jesus dead, these things all provoke empathy and compassion.

I do not resent the birth of Christ, because my baby died.

The birth of Christ also emits hope.  His birth was orchestrated to fulfill a bigger plan.  Every moment of His life was carefully weighed to reflect the biggest version of God.

His death coincided with events prophesied before His birth.  He knew He was going to die, in order to fulfill the scriptures, and yet those who were strongest in conviction of Who He was felt their faith shaken and crumble as He carried His cross in Golgotha.

I believe both Jesus Christ and my son fulfilled God’s purposes through their lives and through their untimely deaths.

My miscarried baby was a gift, as all babies are.

Jesus was a gift to the world, one that even His own people didn’t understand.  My baby’s life has forced me to see that God values each and every one of us, that we all have a divine calling, and that events that may seem shrouded in earthly happenstance often have much more significance.

Jesus’ birth was only the beginning.  His whole life was leading up to His imminent and certain death.  The death that would allow all of us, each of us, direct and personal access to God, without intermediators or boundaries.  This man who knew His life was ending, did not waste a moment of His life but always radiated God’s magnificence.  Not a moment was wasted, and we are all blessed by this humble and graceful demonstration.  This man who knew He would die, but lived anyway, now holds my baby in His arms.  My baby, who also lived.  My baby, whose greatest purpose and divine calling could only be fulfilled through his untimely death.  This purpose, this revelation, has me seeing Jesus more intimately, more completely, than I ever have before.

It is not a waste that my baby died.  I would not undo his creation just to undo my hurt.

It is through my hurt that I can see the reality of peace that lay ahead in a way I simply was unable to before.  I value his life and respect God’s decision regarding his death as being much more significant than I ever understood on any given day that I was still pregnant with him.

Jesus’ birth doesn’t mean anything less because He was fated to die.

His death and subsequent resurrection brought with it the promise of a joy, love, healing and peace that we have never known.  His death and subsequent resurrection offered healing, hope, forgiveness and restoration.  Our own deaths lost their permenance and therefore lost the power of fear over us.

Humanity needed His death, and yet His life wasn’t any less valuable for it.

And, I believe, on a much smaller scale, the same is true for my baby.

To anyone who knew the threat to Jesus’ life when He was a baby, baby Jesus arrived in the middle of the storm.  In the middle of my own storm, Jesus comes.  He comes to remind me that the worst is almost over- suffering, sadness, mourning, brokenness, are all coming to an end.

A world of magnificence beyond comprehension is still gestating.  He promises, and He consoles me.  Just wait.  Be still.

His birth was just the beginning.

Filed Under: all, Holidays
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