Told by: Heather

I am a mother to three children who all are gone to miscarriage.

Our first was Gracie, she was 14 weeks gestation, here is her story…

My husband and I had just had our first little Girl Sophie Leeann.  She was about 2 months old when we found out we were pregnant again. “Ohh boy” is what I thought. We could barely afford Sophie and now were going to add another little life into this mess.  Well, a few weeks after going to the doctor and finding out the news of the pregnancy I began to get excited because we figured her due date and it was a few days before Sophie’s birthday! Oh my what a surprise! What an amazing thing it would be to have two children born on the very same day but not be “twins”!

Well I guess then our luck turned for the worse.  About 2.5 months into my pregnancy I still didn’t feel or look pregnant.  I know they say every pregnancy is different but this wasn’t right.  I felt empty.

I called the doctor and he had me come in and said everything was fine to just go home and get some rest, that I was probably just exhausted from just having Sophie.  Well, I did just that.  We called my husband’s Mom and asked her to keep Sophie for a few days while I rested and caught up on the house work.  Well 2 days later I didn’t feel any different. I kept telling my husbands mom that I felt odd, I didn’t feel pregnant, that actually I felt “normal”. I didn’t have any cravings, no sickness, nothing..

My doctor passed if off as just difference in pregnancies.  Well as the days went on I wondered and wondered.  Then one day I woke up to a pain in my stomach.  I immediately freaked out, my husband was a work and I had no clue what to do.  So I called our doctor. He said it was nothing and told me to rest, and that I probably just needed to stay in bed until the next appointment which was one and a half weeks away.  I disagreed and told him I wanted to be seen.  There were no openings at all until my appointment.  A few hours later I began to spot.  Once again I called my doctor, asked (frantically) what I should do, and he told me to lie down and take it easy.  It seems that is what he always told me, never a care in the world; it makes me mad now to know that there was something wrong and no one helped me.

Anyway, I didn’t lay down, I went to the ER.

After being there 3 hours and not being seen I was coaxed into going home and eating and going to bed, not knowing the next day would be the worst day of my life.

I woke up to Sophie crying wanting her bottle.  Her Daddy got up and got it and brought her into the room to play.  At this point I was told not to do anything strenuous, don’t hold anything over 5lbs, don’t push, pull, or do anything pretty much.  So I couldn’t do anything for her, which tore me apart.  I couldn’t hold my princess; it broke my heart, but I went by the doctors orders and did what I was told.

Later that evening we went to my in-laws to eat supper.  I was feeling bad again and was crampy.  Not too bad but it did make me uneasy; I told neals mom about it and she said I should go to the doctor.  Well, I couldn’t because he was booked. She got me her heating pad and lay me down on her bed until supper.  At the supper table the smell of food made me feel sick.  I went to stand up to go to the living room and sit down and my world literally crashed to the floor.  Blood ran down my legs, and I doubled over in pain.

In that very moment I realized, “she’s dead.”

Neals mom helped me to the bathroom and helped me get my soaked jeans off, sat me on the toilet and called the doctor.  I put one of Sophie diapers on and soaked it in minutes. We rushed to the hospital.  When we got there my husband carried me into the hospital because I couldn’t walk, my legs were like pieces of jello, and they immediately placed us in a room.

My mom and aunt came to support me, and by the end of the night my whole family was in the waiting room. I told my mom to get rid of them, that I didn’t want anyone to see me the way I was and I didn’t want to see anyone at all.  While in the room with my mom and husband I went to the bathroom, and when I stood up there she was, a little pinkish figure, she had tiny little arms and little beginnings of hands and feet she was about the size of a plum.

My mom was in there with me since I was still having trouble walking due to the massive blood loss.  She saw her too, so tiny, so precious.  We called the nurse and she called the doctor in to look at it. He just looked, whispered something to the nurse and FLUSHED HER.

I lost it. I couldn’t contain my anger at this idiot of a doctor.  I screamed at him, telling him I wanted to know what was wrong with her.  He just said it was a spontaneous abortion.. that set me off like a rocket. I know that is a medical term but it was not the thing I wanted to hear, I did not kill my baby!!!! This was a cruel act of nature, and not my fault!! He left, and once again I sat there bewildered at what just happened, crushed, and broken. I lay on that “bed” for 5 hours and bled, they did nothing for me. They did do one ultrasound and said it was all out of me, and that if the doctor released me I could go home.

At almost 4 months gestation you would think it wouldn’t just “be gone” like that, but she was.  The doctor released me and told me not to do anything but get up to go the the bathroom and eat for 3 days or until my bleeding stopped. I left the hospital empty handed, no baby, no nothing. I wonder why they didn’t do any tests to see what was wrong with her, or was it something wrong with me? I will never know for sure. But what I do know is in that instant that I saw her all curled up in the bowl of the toilet, I will never forget it.

Within 8 long grueling hours my world was shook, rocked, and turned completely upside down. After that I cried for days asking, why it was me? Why it was Gracie? What did I do wrong? It took me almost a year to realize it, but it’s because she was too perfect for earth. And I will never be the same, I will always wonder about her and care for and love her.