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Remembering Kaidynn

February 28, 2013 by Heidi Faith Leave a Comment

Told by: Brittney

She was born still at 31 weeks on March, 28th 2011. She has a surviving identical twin sister. Remembering Kaidynn. Her story. This is the story of our Twins, and their birth.

At 6 weeks gestation, I started spotting. I had miscarried about 6 months prior, so I was fearing it was happening again. My doctor ordered an ultrasound right away. I was so nervous. I lay on that table staring off just waiting to hear the horrible news. That there once again, was no hearbeat. The ultrasound tech asked how I was doing.. “okay.. nervous..” I replied. She just nodded and gave me a slight smile. After what seemed an eternity, they turned the screen toward us. “Well, this is what we’re looking at..” And I immediately saw two big circles. I thought..What the heck? That looks odd..? “It appears we are looking at a twin pregnancy!” said the Tech. My jaw just dropped. I looked at my husband, who just looked back at me in disbelief? TWINS?! Oh my gosh! I would have NEVER expected this. As we were leaving, it started sinking in. Oh my gosh! We are having TWINS!! How amazing is that?! I was too excited and amazed. I had to tell our family and friends! The pregnancy was progressing normally. Babies were growing, and everything was going great! We started to notice a slight growth discrepency between the twins. One was slightly smaller. “It could be totally normal!” Said my doctor. So, we just had periodic ultrasounds to watch the growth.

At 20 weeks, we were referred by our OB/GYN to a Perinatologist 2 hours away. They did numerous scans. They were afraid my babies were suffering from Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. The Perinatologist then gave us such relief, he did NOT believe it was TTTS. He said he believed my twins were fraternal, that they had their own placenta’s. I was so happy to know it wasn’t TTTS. (I had a friend who’s twin sons passed away from TTTS complications and being born too premature, and getting a bacterial infection.) But then he broke the bad news, it could be a placental issue. He said we just need to watch the growth of the girls. (yep, two wonderful little girls!) My regular OB/GYN seemed to be happy with the results of our appt with the Perinatologist. He said we will just continue to check on the girls. My pregnancy was going good. Other than there was still a size difference between Baby A and Baby B. Baby B was really starting to lag behind Baby A. My doctor didn’t seem concerned. So, I wasn’t concerned either. I figured he knew what he was doing. Right?

Well, the growth was really starting to lag, so he scheduled me for a Biophysical Profile on March 28th, 2011. The ultrasound tech started with Baby A. Everything was great! She scored 8 out 8! Then she moved onto Baby B. She did all her measurements first. Then she moved on to do the scoring parts of the BPP. She didn’t practice her chest breathing. She didn’t have any muscle tone/flexion. She didn’t move. At all. I tried to move around and lightly push on my stomach to encourage her to move. Nothing. We sat in that ultrasound for at least 45 minutes trying to get her to budge. She showed us her heartbeating on the ultrasound screen. Assured us she has good heart tones still. Concluded our ultrasound, and sent us on our way. We had our regular OB appt. scheduled following the ultrasound, so we headed to his office. He told us he was a little concerned. Baby B hadn’t grown at all since the previous ultrasound. She had actually lost weight. He seemed so casual about it. Like it wasn’t that bad. He said he would like us to go into the city following our appointment.

He said “they will likely repeat the ultrasound, and take it from there. If her condition hasn’t improved, they may choose to deliver. But, who knows, you could be pregnant for another 3-4 weeks.” He asked if we could drive there. I responded yes. I was with my husbands cousin, my 3 year old, and we had my 2 dogs in the van. (We had driven 40 miles to this appointment) My husband couldn’t get off work so his cousin said she would love to come with. I called my husband and told him we were headed into the city. (another 40 miles away) He said he was going to come with. So, we waited for him at a nearby McDonald’s. He got there, I got in with him, and his cousin took our vehicle back to our hometown with our 3 year old and doggies. We were off to the hospital. I had a few contractions on the ride.

I was nervous. I hoped everything was ok. But the doctor didn’t seem worried at all. He was very casual about it. Not once said it was an emergency or anything of the sort. We get into the city, and head to the OB floor. They tell us we need to go register at the ER. They let my husband go register, and I went to change into a gown. When he returned, I was getting settled into the bed. A nurse came in, and started to hook me up to the contraction monitor. She found Baby A’s heartbeat right away. Then she tried to find Baby B. She wasn’t able to find it. She tried for a little bit, and then asked another nurse to come and try. She couldn’t find it either. Then came another nurse. Neither could she.

Finally, they decided they would have the ultrasound tech come up to my room with her portable machine. The tech was doing her thing, taking measurements and such. She even pointed out Baby A’s feet to me. The nurse that was with me when I got there, was now going off duty. She went up to the ultrasound tech and said, “I just gotta know before I go” and was looking at the screen. I looked up at the ultrasound tech in time to see her give her a ‘look’ and shake her head slightly. I knew. I knew then that something was terribly wrong.

I kept looking at my husband’s across the room, shaking my head. He just looked at me with question marks on his face. He had no clue what was going on. The nurse left the room. She came back a short time later, and said that the doctor was on her way in. I had a horrible feeling.

The doctor wasn’t initially supposed to come until the morning. After a few minutes, the doctor arrived. That’s when she told us the news that would break our hearts. “The baby they were concerned about has passed away.” My heart shattered into a million pieces. I burst into tears.

Kept saying no, no, no. Please no. :'( Everthing after that was a blur. They told me they needed to get Baby A out ASAP due to infection risks. I was signing papers that I had no clue what they were because I didn’t even pay attention to what was going on. My baby was dead. My daughter. I would never get to know her. And now they were going to take out Baby A, who is going to be 9 weeks premature! Is she going to be okay? I was panicking in my heart. Before I knew it, they were wheeling me back to the OR. They brought me in. They made my husband and my sister wait outside while they did my spinal block. Once I was laying down getting prepped, they let them come in. My blood pressure dropped drastically from the spinal block. All I remember is saying, “am I supposed to feel like this?” The anesthesiologist asked how I felt. I said “like I’m going to fall asleep.” I was so out of it. They gave me some medication through my IV, and in a little bit I started coming back around. I realized my husband was right next to me. I started feeling pressure and pulling. I was so anxious. All of a sudden I heard the most wonderful sound. A baby’s cry. Baby A came out crying! I started crying happy tears. I had expected she would come out silent, needing machines and tubes. To hear her cry was the most amazing sound in the world. They showed her to me really quick before they passed her off to the NICU team. So small! But so beautiful! Then came more pressure, and more pulling. Followed by silence. This time, there was no cry.

My daughter was born sleeping. Silent. Still.

They cleaned her up, wrapped her snug as a bug, and gave her to my sister to hold. My sister then brought her right over to us. She was beautiful. Our little angel. We held and kissed her. Until they said it was time to head back to recovery. The nurses came in and told us about the organization ‘Now I lay Me Down To Sleep’ and said they could come and take photo’s for us. I said that yes, I wanted someone to come. My husband got to go to the NICU and see Baby A, who now was named Kaylie Jo. He brought back pictures for me. She is so beautiful. He said she was doing great. I was so relieved. The nurse came back and asked if we would like to hold (Baby B) who was now named Kaidynn June. We most definitely wanted to see her again. We sat and held her, cried over her, marveled over her tiny little toes and fingers. Her beautiful little face. She was only 1 pound 15.5 ounces, and 14 inches long. So, so small. She had the cutest little nose I had ever seen. I just wanted to kiss it forever. The photographer got there, and took some precious pictures of Kaidynn, and her daddy and me. Then she and my husband took baby Kaidynn into the NICU to take some pictures of the twins for the first, and the last time. I am so thankful for those pictures.

It took me a long time to be able to look at the disc they sent me. I started to one day.. And just couldn’t. I looked at two of them, and my heart broke into a million pieces all over again. The deep ache is always there. Always this HORRIBLE, EMPTY ache. I don’t think I will ever feel whole again. A part of me is missing. How could I ever fill that void? I couldn’t. My daughter is gone, and I will never get to see her again.

Never get to see her grow up. Never get to see her interact with her identical twin sister. We were asked if we wanted her baptized. We said we did. A priest came and did a very sweet little baptism. They were all so amazing at the hospital. I’m so thankful for everything they did. Her handprints, dressed her into this beautiful little crocheted outfit. I have all her things in a little memory box. Then came one of the hardest things ever…I had to let my baby go. I didn’t want to let go of her. I wanted her to be with us. Stay with us. But she couldn’t.

We had to kiss our daughter goodbye for the very last time. Kaylie Jo will be 2 this coming March. And she is doing wonderful. She is full of personality and so much fun. But, it’s a constant reminder of what we lost. She lost the chance to experience the amazing bond she should have had with her identical twin sister. We lost the chance to watch our girls grow up together. It breaks my heart each and every day. Kenzie, our oldest who is now going to be 5 in April, has been so deeply affected by the loss of her sister. She talks about her daily. Cries when she starts talking about her, because she misses her so much. It’s not fair. I constantly think of what it would be, SHOULD be like with both girls here.

A pathologist also studied my placenta, and we found out it was a MONOchorionic placenta. They thought they were fraternal my whole pregnancy, and they turned out to be identical after all! Our daughters shared a bond like no other. They came from ONE egg. They started life as one, and became two. Can you get any closer than that?! But now Kaylie will have to go on in life knowing that she will never get to know her other half. But we will never stop talking about her, never forget her. She will never be forgotten. Rest In Paradise my Angel.

I also made a video for her; it is the third video held in the stillbirthday memorial video collection.

Filed Under: 31 weeks, All Multiples, Infertility / Recurrent Loss

Baby Gemini

January 10, 2013 by Heidi Faith 3 Comments

Told by: Lia

The pregnancy was a surprise. It was my fifth. I’d carried three babies to term, and lost one around 6 weeks.

Almost as soon as I knew I was pregnant, I started suspecting twins. At first I brushed it off as a passing thought that most pregnant women entertain at some point. But the feeling got stronger and I started to really wonder. I was just a few weeks along, but I felt more pregnant than I had early in my other pregnancies. On a Friday, as I wrote in my journal about the feeling, it became clear I was in new territory. Still hesitant to talk about it, I cautiously asked my husband if he thought it might be twins. A man who values logic, I expected him to counter with a question, “why do you think that?” But he surprised me by answering, “I think it is.” Neither of us could explain it. I became more sure by the hour, and anxiously awaited Monday morning so I could call my midwives and request an ultrasound to confirm.

I was nervous, of course, but felt sure we would rise to the challenge of having twin babies. I started to identify as a mom of twins. I believe our children choose us, and it felt really special to have been chosen by two! I started thinking about the extra carseat we’d need and how we’d need a co-sleeper to fit both of them in bed with us. I worried about the added challenges of twin births.

Part of me still wondered if it was all in our heads and I was relieved when the midwives agreed to schedule an ultrasound right away. The night before the appointment I had some significant cramping, but overwhelmed by a sense that everything was okay, I didn’t get concerned.

When first I saw the two tiny figures on the ultrasound, all I felt was relief. It didn’t seem to matter that only one had a heartbeat. At least we knew we weren’t crazy. At least we still had a healthy baby. I sent a text message to a few family members and close friends who were waiting to hear the ultrasound results. The first response I received read, “I’m so sorry,” which shocked me a little. It hadn’t fully hit me that we’d lost a baby.

I woke that night in a cold sweat and broke down crying so hard my husband woke in a panic, “What’s wrong?” I couldn’t find the words. “I didn’t expect to get so emotional,” was all I could manage to squeak out between sobs. It was the only time I really cried about it. The mourning was so different from the miscarriage I’d experienced three years before. I was still pregnant. I still got to have a baby. My body didn’t even seem to realize the loss. I didn’t notice any more cramping. I never bled.

I continued to feel more pregnant for nearly a month. It was confusing. I entertained the notion that they’d made a mistake – maybe they just missed the heartbeat and both babies were still okay. But finally, that twin feeling started to melt away. A follow-up ultrasound confirmed that the twin had been absorbed into my body and our daughter (it was too early to tell at that point, but I knew she was a girl) was healthy and growing.

I was jealous when other members of my due date club announced they were having twins; and a mix of relief and sadness later when they had premature babies or struggles breastfeeding. I have a special little place carved out in my heart now, not only for the little soul that briefly shared my body, but for all twins.

Concerns about my daughter’s birth followed me through the pregnancy and though I’d only ever given birth unassisted in the past, I made plans to deliver her in the hospital.

I had several dreams of twins. Once they were tiny premies, once one died, once the girl was healthy and the boy lacked vital organs and required me to donate my uterus to save him.

On June 19, 2012 my daughter Zena was born in an uncomplicated waterbirth in the hospital. She’s a Gemini; a twin without a twin. Though I knew it was unlikely with a loss that early, I’d hoped there might be some sign of her sibling left behind with the afterbirth; there was none. I kept the placenta to encapsulate, and dried the umbilical cord in the shape of two hearts (pictured below,) the smaller one representing the baby we lost.

I braced myself for a second wave of grief to hit me after the birth, unsure if my arms would ache for that second baby. But they didn’t. I felt full and at peace.

When I first felt that twin feeling, I imagined twin girls, but now, as I hold Zena in my arms, I feel certain he was a little boy. I can sense him. The dream about the sick baby with missing organs stays with me and I feel certain that was him. His body wasn’t developing as it should and that’s why he didn’t survive.

The pregnancy had been hard. I was sick all the time and I swore I never wanted to go through that again. I don’t want to. My husband and I are done having kids. But I’m not so sure if the kids are done choosing us. I feel this little boy might still enter our lives someday.

My daughter looks at me like she knows all of this and more – as if she remembers having a twin but has some divine knowledge about his current whereabouts that keeps her from missing him. And when she’s looking across an empty room babbling on, I can almost see him there talking back.

Filed Under: All Multiples

Protected: The Meaning of Baby Kisses

August 25, 2012 by Heidi Faith 4 Comments

Filed Under: 20 weeks, 21 weeks, 22 weeks, All Multiples, Dads, Live Miscarriage, Loss after ART

Show Me Heaven

May 14, 2012 by Heidi Faith Leave a Comment

Told by: Jen

Jennyfur Angel, Due June 8th, 2002, Grew Wings December 26th, 2001 Glory Michelle august 17,2009 Baby Bean, September 10th, 2010 8.3weeks Sweet Baby Cantrell Jan 21,2011 (ectopic at 5 weeks) Poppy Feb 15, 2012 (ectopic at 4 weeks) due Oct 23,2012 and 10 unnamed Angels (ranging from 4 weeks to 12 weeks) Over the past 14 years, I have held 18 precious little babies inside of me. I have been graced by 3 of them here on earth. The other 15 have grew wings and found their home above in heaven with the Lord. Out of the 15 angels I have looking down upon me, I only knew the sex of one, had named her & started preparations for her arrival. Many years ago, I contracted an STD, Chlamydia. I had it for 5 years before I had been diagnosed, so it caused a lot of damage to my uterus. September 2001, I had become pregnant, things went rather well but we knew that I would have to be careful due to the fact that I was high risk. In the following months, things continued to develop smoothly. I went to the doctor in the early weeks of December to check on the precious child growing inside of me & find out that I was having a girl. I was never so excited. As I left the doctors office & got into my car, the song ” show me heaven” was playing on the radio. The perfect song for my sweet little girl. I decided that since my daughters father was at work & could not be there for my appointment, I would go to the local flower shop & purchase him a single pink rose bud. When I saw him that night after work, I handed him the pink rose, without saying a word. He knew right away what that meant. He was getting his little girl, whom he had always dreamed of holding. We decided that we would name her Jennyfur Angel, Her father wanted her to be named after me. I called her Angel, seemed like the perfect name for my gift sent to me from heaven. We started gathering items for her right away, bibs, shirts, her first blanket, anything we thought would be prefect for her. The week before Christmas I decided to start telling my family that I was carrying a little girl inside of me, because I had began to develop a bump that was getting hard to hide. Christmas came and I went to visit with family put of town for a few days. Things were still going great with my pregnancy. The day after Christmas, I had allowed my stresses and anger to get the best of me, I walked outside to gather myself & get a breath of fresh air. Not paying attention, I slipped on a patch of ice and fell, right on my stomach. I knew right away what had happened. I felt the sharp pains in my stomach. I had felt those pains before. I was rushed to the hospital to see if there was anything they could do but it was too late… my little angel had become exactly that. MY ANGEL! She grew her wings and flew above to heaven to be there with all of my other children. 2 months later, I again became pregnant… 9 months later I had my son, Austin. Austin was a twin, but twin B grew wings 2/19/02 while i was looking at the sonogram machine the heart beat just stopped. Even though it has been 10 years since my daughter grew her wings, I only began to cope with the pain in 2008. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her, there are still times that I can feel her moving around inside of me. Now that I have my 3 beautiful living children, I know that my angels are watching over me everyday. I cannot wait for the day that I can join all of my babies in heaven. I know that they went to heaven to make preparations for my arrival, the same way I was making preparations for Jennyfur’s. 9/12/10. I suffered yet another loss. I knew deep inside that I was pregnant but I wasn’t letting it known to anyone (even my fiance) until I went to the doctor.. my appointment was scheduled for 9/20/10 …on the 12th I started feeling a lot of pain .. I knew again what that meant so I headed to the hospital & texted my fiance (who was stationed in Texas) to tell him I was headed to the doctor and that I was having a miscarriage… this came as a shock to him since he had no idea I was even pregnant. We talked about it and decided together to name our sweet child…. Baby Bean … My fiance deployed Jan 10th 2011… I found out Jan 18th,2011 that once again… we were expecting… I was more terrified than excited because I knew that I still had an IUD in and what my chances of another miscarriage were. I wanted so badly to tell him that we were pregnant but before I ever got the chance… I ended up in the hospital on Jan 20th with severe pains… well… I had all reason to be terrified… it was an ectopic pregnancy! When I did finally get to talk to him the next day I not only had to tell him that I was pregnant but I had to tell him that the baby was gone… and most recently, my fiance came home for 3 weeks in Jan 2012… we really were trying one more time to see if maybe God felt it would finally be our time to have a lil one. I Found out early Feb that I was in fact pregnant.. due Oct 23 2012. We were so excited. Feb 15, 2012 I woke up bleeding so I ran to the ER to find out… once again… Ectopic! I am crushed! Right now I am just trying to grasp the concept that again I have another precious angel. We named this sweet angel- Poppy. The pain of all my losses has been hard, especially Jennyfur and Baby Bean and Poppy but it has made me a stronger person and I cherish the time I do have with my living babies!

Filed Under: All Multiples, All Newborns / Diagnosis, Ectopic Pregnancy, Infertility / Recurrent Loss

This is My Farewell

March 15, 2012 by Heidi Faith 1 Comment

Told by: Lynne

My first child was a twin. I didn’t find that our for many years–31 to be exact. I bled the first few months I knew I was pregnant. I didn’t think much about as my mother bled through both pregnancies with her sons born 8 and 11 years before I was born. I had a troubled delivery. I nearly bled to death until some bright nurse decided pitocin was necessary in i.v. form. Problem was, my veins were collapsing and until the very last minute, I believe, an open vein was found. I was given 2 units of blood. I bled those out. While trying to cope with my first child still under Billi lights in the hospital nursery, I attempted to recover from an anal rip that took 2 hours and 45 minutes to repair. Finally, baby came home. I still continued to be in pain–location: lower abdomen. After having my pregnancy m.d. remove a fecal impaction, I still remained in pain and bleeding heavily. At no time did anyone , nurse or doctor feel my lower abdomen. On my way back into the m.d.’s office, I stopped for a blood test to check anemia. I had an overwhelming urge to vomit and go potty at the same time, so I used the bathroom in the lab. Now I know what I saw was my other child’s placenta (I know this was not born child’s placenta, as I viewed it up close and personally at my son’s birth. It was a picture-perfect placenta.). At the time, I wanted to grab what I saw and take it up to the m.d.’s office, but the lab tech told me I could not extract it from the facility. Last year, a very dear person was talking of her daughter’s birth. By that time, ultrasound readily was used. She described the same scenario as I had above, but her m.d. had modern technology on his side and found the unoccupied placenta. She immediately had a D&C to remove placenta.

This is my farewell to my son or daughter thirty-two years later; actually 32 years, 7 months and 18 days later. I really had odd feeling of missing a babe when my next preemie son was born, 2 days less that 2 years later. I believe I was mourning the passing of the missing twin from prior pregnancy. 15 months later, I gave birth to a healthy, 40 week pregnancy, baby boy. No matter whether this happens to you and you know immediately or like me, 31 years later, its still the same; nothing changes. You miss your unborn child and don’t let go ’til you say ”good-bye”.

Filed Under: All Multiples, Prior to the 1990's

Remembering Kaidynn

Baby Gemini

Protected: The Meaning of Baby Kisses

Show Me Heaven

This is My Farewell

Protected: God is Good

Protected: Missing His Sister

Protected: My Three Perfect Ones

Protected: God’s Timing

Protected: The Endurance of Love

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