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Birth Education

August 15, 2011 by Leave a Comment

(go back to birth plans)

It is important to know what to expect during your labor and delivery, but if you know and are preparing for your stillbirth delivery of your baby, attending a public or group birthing class can seem very overwhelming, leaving you to sort through a mix of very difficult, and very valid, feelings.

For this reason, I have added some customized content here, so that you can learn about what to expect from your body, and from your care providers, during the course of your labor and delivery.

Please contact a stillbirthday birth & bereavement doula, who can support you prior to, during, and/or after the birth of your miscarried or stillborn baby.

Types of Loss

Birth Planning start page

Levels of Augmentation

During Birth information – including specialized welcoming & bonding options (bathing your baby and more)

Still Water Birth

Emotional Support verses and quotes

General Postpartum Health

Medical options and information, pesonalized options for your birth such as special items and helpful techniques such as birthing positions and breathing, and information about your labor including dilation/effacement, stages of labor and what to expect during labor can all be explained to you by your Stillbirthday Bereavement Doula.

These documents are for your labor and delivery only.  Reproduction or redistribution of these materials without the site creator’s written consent is a direct violation of this copyright agreement.

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Children’s Concept of Death

August 15, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Children’s Concept of Death, by Age

Under three years of age:

Even young children are sensitive to the changes that a loss can bring.  They notice increased levels of anxiety and sadness in their caregivers.  New people may suddenly be in the home, and the child’s routine may be disrupted.  Though a small child will not be able to intellectually understand what death is, he or she will notice these changes.

Ages three to five:

At this age, children don’t understand the concept of forever.  They will see death as temporary, reversible or a restricted form of existance.  Still, the separation caused by death is particularly frightening to children this age.  They need reassurance that their emotions are normal and okay.  “Magical thinking” is common at this age and children may believe their thoughts or actions are somehow connected to illness or death.  They sometimes connect unrelated events in highly creative ways in an attempt to make sense of a loss.  Clear, direct explanations of what happened and why are especially important for this age.

Ages six to nine:

Children aged six to nine begin to understand death is final, but they think it happens only to other people.  They may think death is a  scary creature or person who takes people away.  Or they might fear death is contagious.  Some may continue to believe that thoughts cause events.  Some may continue to think that thoughts make things happen.  Clear explanations continue to be vital.  Pointed curiosity about physical details is common.

Ages nine to twelve:

Older children may have experienced the death of a relative or, more often, the loss of a pet.  They know death is final and comes to all plants and animals.  Still, they see death as distant from themselves and may be extremely interested in the physical process of dying.  More commonly, children this age will worry about the effects the loss will have on their immediate future.

Adolescents:

Death for this age group is both fascinating and frightening.  As they struggle to forge their own identities, death is particularly threatening.  Losses may make teens feel more child-like and dependent.  Teenagers may feel the situation requires them to step into an adult role in response to loss.  Teenagers are uncomfortable with anything that makes them different from their peers.

Here are some general guidelines adults can follow to help children cope:

  • Give timely, accurate information
  • Give children a chance to ask all of the questions they have
  • Provide as much routine and security as possible
  • Let children participate and be a positive role model for them
  • Return to Children, Teens and Loss main page

(source: KCH)

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Timetables for Grief

August 15, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Month One

In the first month, you may be so busy with funeral arrangements, visitors, paperwork and other immediate tasks that you have little time to begin the grieving process.  You also may be numb and feel that the loss is unreal.  This shock can last beyond the first month.

Month Three

The three-month point is particularly challenging for many grieving people.  Visitors have gone home, cards and calls have pretty much stopped coming, and most of the numbness has worn off.  Well-meaning friends and family, who don’t understand the grief process, may pressure you to “get back to normal.”  You may be just beginning the very painful task of understanding what this loss really means.

Months Four through Twelve

You continue to work through many tasks of learning to live with loss.  You begin to have more good days than bad days.  Still, even late into the last half of the first year, difficult periods sometimes will crop up with no obvious trigger.  These difficult periods are normal; they are not a setback or lack of progress.

Significant Anniversaries

During the first year, personal and public holidays present additional challenges.  Your baby’s birthday, due date, other family member’s birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, and family and other reunions can be painful and difficult.  Medical anniversaries, such as the date of diagnosis, also can bring up memories.  Planning a special activity for the day may be comforting. (source: KCH)

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My Little Garden Amongst the Stone

August 11, 2011 by Leave a Comment

My little garden amongst the stone

I planted a little garden, amongst the stones today   The dirt was dry and rough, from that cold and bitter day

The sun was warm, and the grass no longer brown The green shoots all bursting, and buds falling all around

… The sweetness of the wind, the met the empty little plot   The clods of dirt now broken, in that tiny little spot

In brokenness life met with death, worked gently into the soil   Each seed tenderly planted, to end my labouring toil

Fleeting love, broken memories, now watered the little dream   The tiny love placed in the soil, now flowing like a stream

I tried ebb the flow, lest it float the seeds away   Of the seeds newly planted, that very special day

But as they flowed I was reminded of a new life’s little story   Birthed in love and bred pain a tiny gift from glory

I held birthed love and cradled it, and new that one day   We would come to visit this little garden, where pain can never stay

In Loving Memory of  Emma Marrie Rose    Born in to glory   December 24 2011 Melody Lily Anne

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SBD Sacred Circles

August 11, 2011 by 3 Comments

 

The Origin of Blessingways and Sacred Birth & Bereavement Circles

While the name Blessingway is becoming more widely understood to mean a kind of “baby shower of spiritual gifts rather than physical ones“, the origin traces to the Navajo tribespeople, and out of respect for their traditions (you are invited to learn more, for example, at this link), here at stillbirthday, we draw from the Blessingway term you might be familiar with, but then we point to our own name for our own interpretation of this beautiful event, coining the name Sacred Circles.  This is quite appropriate as the burning zero candle is our trademarked image.  Many of the events for our Sacred Circles are inspirations of Doran Richards of the Blessing God’s Way website and resources.

I invite you also to visit our Loved Ones  and Farewell Celebrations resources for even more suggestions in offering love to bereaved loved ones.

 

This is the first and only Blessingway specifically created to honor pregnancy, to honor the mother,

and to validate the very real life, and death, of your baby.

  • The celebration will be a time of validating the mother and her mixed and real emotions, as well as a time to celebrate her very real child, even for the very short time the child is alive – in the womb or after birth.
  • The celebration will be personal; there is no exact “one right way” to host one.

Tips to making this celebration successful for the mother:

  • A Celebrating Pregnancy Blessingway, or, Sacred Circle is a time of intimate fellowship.  The mom’s closest friends and most special people should be all who are invited.  Please keep the guest list less than about 16 people.
  • The celebration might be in an inviting and soothing location, where the mom is comfortable being.
  • It might include praying over the mother and her family as she faces the birth and death of her baby.
  • It should include personalized gifts, brought by every person attending.  These can include written scriptures, poems, or a letter, to be read aloud by the giver, to the mother, at the celebration.  Other gifts may include: a journal, an inspirational book about infant loss, a handmade baby blanket, or a bead, specially chosen for the mother, and strung into a handmade necklace that the mother can wear – during the blessingway, and during birth in a subsequent pregnancy.

 Photo belongs to the amazing Canary Lane Photography Studio and SBD doula student.

  • Consider printing out  special scriptures and quotes, on pretty paper, and use to fill the room with them.  Consider also purchasing a Certificate of Life, or inviting the mother to do so.  Collect these items at the end of the celebration, so that the mother can fill her home with these lovely, encouraging words.

  • It is important that each guest demonstrate the importance this baby has had on that individual.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to say “I’m sorry”.  It is okay to give the mom a hug.
  • A tea candle might be lit after each gift is presented to the mother.
  • Special, personal gestures of love toward the mother should be made during this celebration, including brushing her hair, putting flowers in her hair, and washing her feet with a lovely scent (lavender perhaps) and with warm, clean water.  Touching the mother and singling her out in love is important.  It should be decided prior to the celebration who will wash the mothers feet.  This is a very personal, and very honoring, gesture.
  • A special ceremony that includes wrapping the mother’s womb, with gentle music playing, can be very honoring.  The Womb Wrap we use in our Mothers Workshop is one very long piece of simple cloth.  Each person in the circle takes turns wrapping the cloth around the mother, whispering a special mantra, encouragement or prayer to her.  The wrap is not knoted.  The cloth instead, rised and weaves and so each whispered prayer loops together, never ceasing, wrapping the mother in a continued message of love.  In our Mothers Workshops, we also include a special warmth pad and we complete this portion of the ceremony with a brightly colored and breezy rebozo that jingles and sways gently as she moves.  You can purchase this Womb Wrap to include in your Sacred Circle, and the mother can utilize it after every birth, during menstruation, and absolutely any time she needs to be wrapped in warmth and love.  You can visit our Mother Roasting page for demonstration access to use your wrap.

  • If this Sacred Circle is done during the mother’s subsequent pregnancy, it might include a special red cord tied around each attendees (left) wrist.  This cord is a reminder that there is a connection between the circle of attendees and to hold on through the pregnancy.  During birth, this cord is cut from each person’s wrists as a ceremonial ritual of release – release of fears, which can manifest during labor, and that it is time to open and birth.

According to the “Ask The Rabbi” column on the Ohr Somayach, Jerusalem website:

Wearing a thin scarlet or crimson string as a type of talisman is a folk custom among Jews as a way to ward off misfortune brought about by the “evil eye”. The tradition is popularly thought to be associated with Judaism’s Kabbalah.

The red string itself is usually made from thin scarlet wool thread. It is worn as a bracelet or band on the left wrist of the wearer (understood in some Kabbalistic theory as the receiving side of the spiritual body), knotted seven times, and then sanctified with Hebrew blessings.

A custom that is based on Torah ideas or mitzvoth may also have special segula properties on a smaller scale. Regarding the red string, the custom is to tie a long red thread around the burial site of Rachel, the wife of Jacob. Rachel selflessly agreed that her sister marry Jacob first to spare Leah shame and embarrassment. Later, Rachel willingly returned her soul to God on the lonely way to Beit Lechem, in order to pray there for the desperate Jews that would pass by on their way to exile and captivity. Often, one acquires the red string when giving charity.

Perhaps for these reasons the red thread is considered a protective segula. It recalls the great merit of our matriarch Rachel, reminding us to emulate her modest ways of consideration, compassion, and selflessness for the benefit of others, while simultaneously giving charity to the poor and needy. It follows that this internal reflection that inspires good deeds, more than the string itself, would protect one from evil and harm.

Cutting the cords during the subsequent labor and birth, marking the release.

Photo belongs to the amazing Canary Lane Photography Studio and SBD doula student.

  • Consider taking photographs of the celebration, to send to the mother, to remember her special celebration and fellowship.
  • The celebration might close in a prayer over the ladies present and families represented, and over the meal that is to follow.
  • The meal should consist of one item brought by each guest.  Leftovers should be given to the mother to take home.

The focus of this celebration is to honor her as mom, to share feelings, and to encourage and uplift one another.  The tone should be kept inspirational, validating and loving.  You might invite a local SBD doula or Heidi Faith to help coordinate or guide your event.

 

Related: Mother’s Workshop    Related: Mother Roasting

Related: Stillbirthday Sacred Circles

Related: Heidi Faith’s Workshop page on Facebook

A place specifically about our workshops & Sacred Circles.

Photo belongs to the amazing Canary Lane Photography Studio and SBD doula student.

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Share Your Stories

August 11, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Infant and pregnancy loss stories benefit us because we learn that we are not alone.  Carrying forth a pregnancy to term invites joyful gifts, meals, and fellowship with other families.  Pregnancy loss simply makes people uncomfortable.  Friends with round bellies stuffed with God’s newest creations waddle in the other direction, heartbroken for us and wishing not to make the situation more grievous for us by reminding us of our broken hearts and empty wombs.

There is a very real comfort in simply knowing that another mother has walked the path we are so newly stumbling upon.

I’ve looked for a meaningful way to say “thank you” to the mothers who’ve shared their sad secrets with me, who have stood at the doorway of this secret society of aching parents to tell me that they lost a beloved child too.

While building this website, and adding their stories, I realized that they were not only ministering to me, but to all of the mothers who, through their own losses, find their way to this site.

In the middle of my sharing about my experience online (via Facebook), Dawn Gilner read about my broken heart and sent me her book, “I Miss His Everything” and gave me permission to use it as I see fit.

Offering this book as a “thank you” to one of you lovely mothers is just a tiny token, but this book is so tremendously beautiful and valuable, I know it will surely bless you.

Some of you have shared your story for the very first time at this site.  How frightening and intimidating that must be.  Some of you have rehearsed and told your story so many times that you could recite your experiences by memory as you read your own words here.

All of your stories are valuable.

You have each extended love and mercy to the broken hearted mothers who will find their way here.  Now, even the very first mother who comes here looking for miscarriage support will know in all certainty that she is not alone.  You will have given her hope, which is a vital lifeline during such a tremendously devastating time.

I mean this with all sincere urgency, importance, and gratitude: thank you so very much ladies.

October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

It is also about the time that I would have delivered my sweet baby, who was instead born via natural miscarriage on April 19.

Instead of being able to lavish love onto my sweet precious baby, I turn to you, mothers, to offer a gift of love to you.

Every mother who submits her pregnancy loss experiences to this site before October (2011) will be automatically entered to receive the book,

“I Miss His Everything” by Dawn Gilner.

To share your story, please follow this link and the simple instructions that follow.

Let me specify, I am in no way earning any compensation for passing this book on.

What I have gained from having this book, is worth much more than money.

In her book, Dawn Gilner walks us through her experiences of having live, happy children, but also of experiencing three miscarriages, the death of her 8 month old son Maguire, and the stillbirth delivery of her son Titus.  In such a horrific, unspeakable, overwhelming amount of darkness and loss, I am totally marvelled at her ability to show such life, such love, such deep, profound healing, in her own heart, and in her family.

Dawn brings us through the day her son Maguire died in a way that seems so relateable, so natural, so casual, that each sentance literally makes you say, “I would have done that….I would have done that…I would have done that, too….” She nails it, the moments in our day that we speak to ourselves about our children, about our feelings about them, and about the different responsibilities we have.  I kept reading, totally captivated by the normal-ness and simplicity and the way she articulated my very own mommy feelings…when I suddenly caught my breath, realizing that the dreadful climax must surely be coming…after all, I knew the name of the book, I knew what this was about…”oh NO” I thought, as I realized I was unable to even contain myself to finish reading the words, but caught myself scrolling through the text to the end of the paragraph…searching for the agonizing sentance, the dooming conclusion to the day’s events, so that I could quickly move on.

I put the book down, and realized how easily her words could have been my own, and prayed thanksgiving at her courage to put such powerful expression into writing.

Then, I went back to the paragraph I did such a disservice to by scanning through it.  Every syllable crushed my soul.  I cried.

And, this was only the first chapter.

Would I be able to do this?  To finish this book?  Would it only hurt me further?

I kept reading.

I don’t want to give it away, but by the end of this book, Dawn concludes her writing with a profound message of hope, not merely survival but joyous victory and triumphant love.  It is a book that every mother and father who experienced pregnancy or infant loss would be changed for the better by reading.

Here are just a few of the very important (and too often overlooked) experiences in our journey through loss that Dawn captures and discusses so very eloquently:

  • guilt, and having a healthy perspective about it
  • relationship with spouse, and how loss may impact it (for better or worse)
  • differences in grieving between husband and wife
  • what to tell your other children
  • breastmilk after loss, and what to do about it
  • other practical advice, like packing to go to hospital to deliver a dead baby
  • information about induction after previous Cesarean
  • helpful and hurtful medical perspectives and approaches
  • having a hyper-alert sense of dangers to your other children
  • importance of loved ones
  • healthy and unhealthy expectations of loved ones
  • helpful and unhelpful reactions of loved ones
  • perspectives on each of our own losses being different
  • different feelings you may have when your baby looks “less than complete”
  • reasons for our different grief reactions (stages, and durations)
  • the possibility of healthiness in our seemingly most unhealthy reactions
  • anger at God, feeling betrayed and attacked by God
  • reconnecting with God, realizing who the fight is really against
  • outlines, throughout the book, and particularly at the end, practical steps to finding your “new normal”, including learning to celebrate the day your baby died

One of my most favorite things about this book is the way that Dawn shows the larger-than-life legacy that is left behind by our lost children, and our responsibility, and our priviledge, to discover it and find ways to carry it forth.  Family, friends, even strangers can all be impacted–positively changed–by our tiny children, if only we allow their little figures to make the great big impact that they lived, and died, for.

Besides writing and publishing this book, one other practical way that Dawn honors her son Maguire is with an Angel Day 5K run, to raise funds for headstone costs for infants of bereaved parents.

Dawn, your story is so captivating, so moving, so heartbreaking and so inspiring.  Thank you so very much for passing it on to me, so that it could be an encouragement to another mother to also share her story with others here at this site.  In October, when I would have been bestowing love onto my newborn, I will instead find peace and pleasure at giving your book to another mother.  Your book has helped me heal, and it will help another.

Announcement of the Winner:

The first week of August 2011 marked the official launching and public presentation of stillbirthday.  To make the site as comprehensive and as supportive as possible to mothers who come here, I petitioned mothers to share their stories of pregnancy loss, and doulas to list their services through the process of miscarriage and stillbirth.

We have since received hundreds of letters, from mothers generous to share thier broken hearts, willing to let us learn about the lives, and deaths, of their precious children.

Sharing our stories is extremely important, because it lets us know, in a time that is tragic, overwhelming, and intimidatingly lonely, that other mothers have braved the path that we are so newly stumbling upon.  It lets us know that we actually can do this, somehow.  We can grieve.  We can heal.

I am so extremely humbled by the words poured forth from so many aching, hurting, and healing mothers, all at different points in their journey after loss.  I am overwhelmed with appreciation to each of you.

Dawn Gilner donated her biography, an account of her experiences as a mother enduring losses, to stillbirthday.  We both agreed to use the book as an incentive to offer to mothers who first shared their stories at stillbirthday, from August until October 14, 2011.  These first stories here at the site are tremendously valuable to me, because it fills such an important aspect of this support site: confirming that the mother isn’t alone.

I randomly drew from all of the mothers’ names, to select one mom who will recieve Dawn’s book “I Miss His Everything.”

The mom who will recieve this book is Stormy.  You can read her story of her son Gideon here: Stormy’s Story About Gideon.

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It Is Well With My Soul

August 11, 2011 by Leave a Comment

A Beloved Hymn and its History
‘It Is Well With My Soul’ When peace, like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrows like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. Refrain: It is well, with my soul, It is well, it is well, with my soul. Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought! My sin, not in part but the whole, Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more, Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul! For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live: If Jordan above me shall roll, No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul. But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait, The sky, not the grave, is our goal; Oh, trump of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul! And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight, The clouds be rolled back as a scroll; The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend, Even so, it is well with my soul.

HYMN HISTORY:
This hymn was written by a Chicago lawyer, Horatio G. Spafford. You might think to write a worship song titled, ‘It is well with my soul’, you would indeed have to be a rich, successful Chicago lawyer. But the words, “When sorrows like sea billows roll … It is well with my soul”, were not written during the happiest period of Spafford’s life. On the contrary, they came from a man who had suffered almost unimaginable personal tragedy.
Horatio G. Spafford and his wife, Anna, were pretty well-known in 1860’s Chicago. And this was not just because of Horatio’s legal career and business endeavors. The Spaffords were also prominent supporters and close friends of D.L. Moody, the famous preacher. In 1870, however, things started to go wrong. The Spaffords’ only son was killed by scarlet fever at the age of four. A year later, it was fire rather than fever that struck. Horatio had invested heavily in real estate on the shores of Lake Michigan. In 1871, every one of these holdings was wiped out by the great Chicago Fire.

Aware of the toll that these disasters had taken on the family, Horatio decided to take his wife and four daughters on a holiday to England. And, not only did they need the rest — DL Moody needed the help. He was traveling around Britain on one of his great evangelistic campaigns. Horatio and Anna planned to join Moody in late 1873. And so, the Spaffords traveled to New York in November, from where they were to catch the French steamer ‘Ville de Havre’ across the Atlantic. Yet just before they set sail, a last-minute business development forced Horatio to delay. Not wanting to ruin the family holiday, Spafford persuaded his family to go as planned. He would follow on later. With this decided, Anna and her four daughters sailed East to Europe while Spafford returned West to Chicago. Just nine days later, Spafford received a telegram from his wife in Wales. It read: “Saved alone.”
On November 2nd 1873, the ‘Ville de Havre’ had collided with ‘The Lochearn’, an English vessel. It sank in only 12 minutes, claiming the lives of 226 people. Anna Spafford had stood bravely on the deck, with her daughters Annie, Maggie, Bessie and Tanetta clinging desperately to her. Her last memory had been of her baby being torn violently from her arms by the force of the waters. Anna was only saved from the fate of her daughters by a plank which floated beneath her unconscious body and propped her up. When the survivors of the wreck had been rescued, Mrs. Spafford’s first reaction was one of complete despair. Then she heard a voice speak to her, “You were spared for a purpose.” And she immediately recalled the words of a friend, “It’s easy to be grateful and good when you have so much, but take care that you are not a fair-weather friend to God.”

Upon hearing the terrible news, Horatio Spafford boarded the next ship out of New York to join his bereaved wife. Bertha Spafford (the fifth daughter of Horatio and Anna born later) explained that during her father’s voyage, the captain of the ship had called him to the bridge. “A careful reckoning has been made”, he said, “and I believe we are now passing the place where the de Havre was wrecked. The water is three miles deep.” Horatio then returned to his cabin and penned the lyrics of his great hymn.
The words which Spafford wrote that day come from 2 Kings 4:26. They echo the response of the Shunammite woman to the sudden death of her only child. Though we are told “her soul is vexed within her”, she still maintains that ‘It is well.” And Spafford’s song reveals a man whose trust in the Lord is as unwavering as hers was.
It would be very difficult for any of us to predict how we would react under circumstances similar to those experienced by the Spaffords. But we do know that the God who sustained them would also be with us.
No matter what circumstances overtake us may we be able to say with Horatio Spafford…”It is well with my soul.”

contributed by Robin

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My Clinic Birth Experience

August 4, 2011 by 2 Comments

Told by: A Heroic Mother

On July 5, 2010 my husband and I excitedly arrived for our appointment at the scanning
center to find out the sex of our 2nd baby.  We had waited weeks to tell our daughter if she was going to have a little brother or sister and our excitement was mounting.

I was about five and a half months pregnant and after non evasive testing, had been told that the baby was normal.  As the doctor started the scan he showed us the different parts of the baby.
He then stated to us, “that this does not look good.”  He saw that the baby’s feet were clubbed, and he saw a white spot that was unidentifiable to him on the baby’s spine.  He told us that it was very possible the baby had spina bifida, but was unsure.  He said that he baby’s measurements were lagging behind as well.  We of course were in shock.  He recommended an amnio to see if there was anything genetically wrong with the baby, and we complied with the test.  And this is how our story begins.

For an amnio test it takes approximately two weeks to get the test back.  I had one with my daughter as I was just reaching that magic age of 35 years old, when the medical profession puts the fear of God in you that if you try to conceive, because of your “oldness” there will be problems.  I received the FISH test results back which came back that the baby was genetically normal.
Of course I was relieved. My husband and I met with my OBGYN who told me that he did not believe things were as bad as the scanning doctor had made them out to be.  He advised us that “club feet”  were nothing to fear and they were able to be fixed upon birth.  He said that the unidentifiable spot on the bottom of the spine was just that..an
unidentifiable spot.  He said that they see them all the time on the scan and they turn out to be nothing.  He gave us the best advice so far….Don’t  worry until there’s something to worry about.

We received the full amnio test results back two weeks later.  A healthy baby boy.  No one can imagine the weight that was lifted off our shoulders.  God had answered our prayers.

After seeing our OBGYN again it was determined that we simply had a small baby with club feet.  No spina bifida, no genetic defects.  I was finally able to relax.  Two weeks later I went back to the scanning doctor’s office so they could see the growth of the baby.  I was just entering the last trimester of my pregnancy and preparing for my son’s arrival.
This time, we saw a different doctor at the scanning facility.  (I believe this was the 3rd one, we never had the same doctor twice)  As we watched the baby on the screen she said she was unable to take the baby’s measurements exactly, as the baby was bobbing up and down…….not characteristic of a healthy baby.  She also said that the baby’s arms and feet were turned in, and she believed his measurements were several months behind.  We were told very frankly that it was very unlikely the baby would survive to birth and if he did, would die soon after birth.

Our scanning doctor, whom we just met fifteen minutes earlier, advised us, to terminate our baby.  Her candidness and lack of compassion was not met kindly by either my husband nor I and we let her know…….loudly.

We marched downstairs to my OBGYN’s office to speak to him and to tell him what the scanning doctor had told us.  Of course, he was not in, and our poor nurse and the office assistants who stood nearby to overhear the agony we were experiencing soaked up our story.  And I thank them everyday for being the one’s who listened and cared.

The next day found us sitting in my OBGYN’s office after his consultation with the scanning doctor.  He told us he was sorry, what he thought was a small baby with club feet was wrong.  He said he believed since the baby was genetically normal, a virus had crossed the placenta and caused the malformations on the baby.  He told us a baby such as ours, likely would not survive to be born and if he did, would die soon after birth.  If a baby like ours would survive, it would have to be institutionalized due to possible brain damage and severe defects.  We would have to make the decision that no parent wants to make for their child.  My OBGYN advised us we could either terminate or I would come in weekly until the heartbeat of the baby stopped, and I would then deliver.  For my health reasons, the doctor recommended termination.

Our decision was to terminate.

Mine was not exactly a choice, my baby was dying, and I was told that this could be detrimental to me if he was not delivered when he was.  It was hard sitting through
this part.  I suspect they legally have to do it.
Because I was so far along in my pregnancy, I was unable to respond to a clinic in my state, I was given 2 alternatives of clinics in the country; one in Colorado and the other in Georgia.  I selected one, and was given their information from my scanning doctor; simply the name of the clinic and a phone number.  They initially advised that they would assist
me in setting up the procedure, however I received no assistance whatsoever.  The last scanning doctor that I spoke with said that we could come in her office and speak with her,
however, her rudeness had really turned our stomachs towards her.  We had no assistance.  I am unable to say the word abortion in our situation, as it is too painful for me.

I set up the appointment on the phone myself.

That Monday, we set out to our destination, angry, scared and heartbroken.  It was a long trip.

My initial appointment was on Tuesday morning.
I was only allowed one visitor to come with me.

Mine was considered a late term abortion and would take three days.

Make sure you voice why you are there if it is a case like mine.

My husband and I had to sit through a video about the procedure, reproduction and birth control.  It was to us…….humiliating.  We sat down with the doctor again who listened to our situation.

I will try my best to refrain from talking about the personality of the doctor as I know his
traits can be found in other physicians as well.  We’ll say…..we did not mesh well.

The procedure was very painful and lasted three days.  They did not tell me about the pain.

Seaweed laminaria were inserted into the cervix as these were supposed to dilate the cervix naturally.
I cannot say enough how there is nothing natural about this process, and, it’s extremely painful.

On the second day, he put several shots into my cervix to deaden it as he was going to insert even more laminaria.  The shots were extremely painful…they were like stinging in your body.
More of the seaweed laminaria were then inserted which were very uncomfortable.  We then left.   I was able to walk around, but at times I had to sit down because I was in pain.

The third day was when the actual procedure was done, when my baby was born.
I was extremely sore where as I did not want anyone to touch me.
They performed an ultrasound, and then they started an IV with Pitocin which would induce labor.  I then played the waiting game for approximately 3-4 hours until I started dilating to around 4-5 cenimeters.  The nurses would check me periodically.  I was then given some type of drug to relax me and taken back into the room  (the drug didn’t work well).  The doctor then put more shots into my cervix, of course almost unbearable for me at that time.  It was supposed to deaden my cervix but did not do the job.  The doctor then delivered my baby using forceps.
This process was very painful as well.
I felt it all.  My husband was not allowed to come in with me.

I was alone, with strangers, and in unbearable pain.
After the delivery they used a suction to clean out the afterbirth. I am thankful I had a nurse in with me to hold my hand.

When we initially met with the doctor, we had asked to hold the baby after delivery.  They told us they would try to meet these wishes of ours.  After delivery, I was told by a nurse that it would not be a good idea to view the baby.  They said they could place the baby in a basket and put a blanket over him.
At this time I agreed.  My husband and I were placed back in a room where the nurse brought us our baby in the basket.  We asked to be alone in which they complied.  At that point we took off the blanket and were able to meet our baby.
We had approximately fifteen minutes with our baby which were very personal and private.

The hardest thing was giving him back….as his place was with us.

I went through the normal stages after birth, just as if I had a normal healthy baby.  It was a long trip home.

Through our process, it seemed as if my husband and I were brushed to the side and had to deal with things ourselves.

My suggestions are to see a professional counselor if you have had to go through a
situation like mine.  An instance like mine is very rare and people just don’t want to talk about it.

I hope this helps another mother…it was hard but I got it out.
It almost seems like a dream sometimes.
Time is a healer, however after a year I still have a broken heart and am very fearful of having a child for fear of finding myself back in the same place.

Filed Under: all, Election Not Desire

Come On Home

August 1, 2011 by Leave a Comment

For the parents of lost children.

After the words spoken by the ultrasound technician echoed through the room, my heartbreak, horror and devastation were palpable.

Inside, just me, I was a mess.

I hated my body.

I hated that it never let on.  It never clued me in that something so terribly wrong was happening.

I wouldn’t eat a full meal.  I couldn’t bring myself to know that I ought to be praying for my food, because my prayers when I am pregnant always include, “Please bless this food for us…”  This was also a way to remind myself not to carefully tend to the nutritious needs of my infant who was no longer within me.

I drank coffee all day long.  As I swallowed the bitter drink, I knew that coffee could alter a woman’s ovulation cycle, causing difficulty in conceiving; I was spitefully glad for it.

To have a definitive answer, something reliable, without the guessing, the wondering…..the hoping….I started birth control pills.  I swallowed them down angrily, refusing to put myself in such a vulnerable position of peering over a pregnancy test again.

I am blessed with three older children, but I found that especially in the early days after the miscarriage, their needs sometimes interrupted my need to actively reflect, meditate, and grieve.  As I’d wipe my tears away and take the sippy cup my little toddler passed me, I would decide angrily, “Oh, I must be a bad mom.  That’s why my baby was taken from me.  I don’t deserve more children.”  People sometimes say that tragedy brings out whatever you have already harboring in your heart, and because the only things I could see being brought out from my heart were misery, pity, and despair, I felt incredibly unworthy for the things in my life that weren’t taken away.  I felt enormously insignificant.

During this particularly fragile time, I was told the most well meaning, but most extremely hurtful things, by others regarding my loss.

I was told that I wouldn’t be able to tell when my baby was born, that I wouldn’t be able to see him, that it wasn’t a real baby, and that I should think I was only having a period.  I was told that I put too much pressure on my  body and that is what caused my miscarriage.  I was told that it was a blessing that my baby died because I had my hands full with my other children, and having children too close together is the kind of mother who would drive her children off of a bridge.  I was told that I should be happy, because at least I wouldn’t have a special needs kid.  I was told that I should find comfort that God spared my child from a cruel life here on earth (true), and that I should find comfort that God also spared me from having to mother another child.  I was told that “these things happen” and that God isn’t in control over these things.  I was told that my baby is now my own personal guardian angel, and I was told that there is an infertile woman in heaven who gets to be a mother now.  I was told that God’s ways are so mysterious that I shouldn’t bother with trying to discover what His will is in this experience. Finally, I was told that this baby needed to die to make room for the next one, who would stay in my womb until the proper time.

All but one of these things are not true~and they are all hurtful.

I wondered if even the people I loved wanted me to be quiet about our miscarriage.

I talked about it anyway.  A lot.

I was angry.

I was hurt.

I was terrified of thinking that I might be guilty of something that could have caused my baby harm.

And I was frustrated that I wasn’t.

I foolishly thought that my faith would make my bereavement easier, that I could reconcile my emotions easier.  On the contrary, I could quite literally feel a spiritual battle wage within me and rip my spirit in painful, exhausting, different directions.  I needed desperately to break free.

The pain and torment were suffucating me.

I felt God’s grace squeeze love into my spirit; I felt Him breathing His Holy Spirit into me, giving me life, giving my journey to glory life, constantly calming each new cry of my despair, hopelessness and agony. 

I pushed Him, even as He soothed me, and wondered how long He’d take it.

Finally, after enough tantrum throwing,

I picked myself off of the floor, where I had previously been kicking and screaming like a wild child, brushed my sweaty hair off of my damp forehead, took a deep breath, and whispered,

“God, are you still with me?”

And, let me tell you what I’ve found:

  • Scripture reveals that God knows all about a person before that person is even formed.

  • Scripture reveals that God doesn’t change His mind in the middle of His work.

  • Scripture reveals that God doesn’t lose control in the middle of His work.

  • Scripture reveals that God supernaturally oversees conception, for the purpose of fulfilling a critical aspect of His will.

  • Scripture reveals that God supernaturally oversees infant and child death, permitting it for the purpose of fulfilling a critical aspect of His will.

  • Scripture reveals that God’s plan isn’t fulfilled through only one person at a time, thus revealing that those loved ones impacted by the loss of a child (namely the parents) aren’t put in the position of “accidental grief”, or “unintentional grief”, but that God weaves together His plan through multiple people, and their experiences, at one time. 

  • Scripture reveals that God is intimately present and involved in gestation and fetal development.

  • Scripture reveals that it is God, not satan, present in the womb.  Even in our fallen world, God has ultimate and total control over the lives that are created in our wombs.

  • Scripture reveals that conception, gestation, and birth are all reflective of our Lord Jesus Christ; we cannot “choose” to be made in His image, from conception, we simply already are.

  • Scripture reveals that God orchestrates our conception and our death carefully.

  • Scripture reveals that it is wicked for a child’s life to be taken by our own hands, through any form of preventable death, but it is not wicked for God to take a child’s life through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.  And, scripture explains the difference.

  • Scripture reveals that while it is not wicked for God to take a child’s life, He does not delight in it.

  • Scripture reveals that no pregnancy–even those conceived in unrighteousness (out of wedlock, for example), or those terminated in unrighteousness (elective abortion, for example) are orchestrated for condemnation, but that every pregnancy–even those conceived in righteousness (within a healthy Christian marriage, for example), and regardless of duration of pregnancy, is intended by God for our sanctification.

  • Scripture reveals that this good outcome can be expected because our purposes and calling can even be expressed in utero; life in the womb has value to God’s kingdom.

  • Scripture reveals that the expression of purposes and calling in utero is more effective with the mother’s participation–her willingness to submit to that possibility. 

  • Scripture reveals that because infants in utero participate in fulfilling the will of God, they too participate in the Lord’s great inheritance.

  • Scripture reveals that sometimes it is precisely because you are where you are supposed to be, that tragedy strikes, and that when it does, Jesus is watching and praying on your behalf.

  • Scripture reveals, even though there is a natural order (a cause and effect law) of things, that sometimes God circumvents the process with supernatural blessing, and that other times God orchestrates His divine will through the process.  For example: If a woman is infertile, He may a.) supernaturally bless her womb (not removing the infertility, just circumventing the cause of it), or b.) use the cause of the infertility to allow her to glorify Him–perhaps through a miracle of the cause being cured, or perhaps by not curing it.  We cannot know in advance which He will choose, but we can know it will be intended for our greatest good and for His glory.

  • Scripture reveals that children lost to us are not lost to Him.

  • Scripture reveals that God brings His work through to completion.

  • Scripture reveals that whatever blessing we bestow to others through our loss and grief isn’t the intent of the loss, but is a secondary fulfillment.  For example, my baby didn’t die so that I’d build this pregnancy loss support website.  However, God knew beforehand that because of my experience, my heart would long to reach out to others, and so He blesses my endeavors.  The primary fulfillment is the change in my own heart.  The secondary fulfillment is whatever I do with that.

 These scriptural references to these promises can be found in the article entitled “The Answers“.

Before you head over to the link, however, I want you to know that if you’ve walked away from God, if you’ve angrily stormed out of the house, so to speak, I’m inviting you now: it’s time to come back home.

Come home.

Luke 15:12 tells of a young man who is angry with his father.  He wants to collect his inheritance, which, isn’t given until a person has passed away.  What he is essentially saying here is, “Dad, I wish you were dead.”

So, the dad figured out the portion of property that would belong to his son, sold it, and gave the money to the young man.  Could you imagine? 

In verse 13 the young man gets as far as he can from his dad.  He sets out for a distant country, and then spent the gift his dad gave him –the verse says he squandered it– on every whim and desire he had. 

By verse 16 he has become so empty, so desperate for happiness, for fulfillment, he realizes that he squandered so much opportunity trying to satisfy his desires, that he diminished his own opportunities for real needs.  He becomes willing, eager –the verse says he longed— to eat pig food.  Can you imagine that?

He reached a point, by verse 17, it says, “he came to his senses.”  He thinks about his father, and wants to return to him.  He sets out for the long journey home, thinking about the hired hands at his father’s farm.  In verse 19 he is prepared to work as a slave, just to have meager provisions and the stability of his father.

But verse 20 tells us of his father’s reaction:

“But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him.”

After that, the dad told his servants, Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him.  Can you imagine with me, a proud, happy dad wrapping his son in such a vivid demonstration of love?  He wanted everyone to know that he loved his son…the son who wished him dead, but then returned to him.

If you have walked away from God,

if you have run away from God,

if you have cashed in all goodness that He’s blessed you with and spent it everywhere else you could,

if you are exhausted,

thirsty,

hungry,

I invite you,

God invites you,

just come home.

God is waiting.

I ask you now, what you think it would feel like, to return to the Father you so angrily rejected.  If you didn’t have to reconcile all of the differences, if you didn’t have to fix things first or work your way up to the top.  If you didn’t have to “perform” or “act” or “do”.  If you just returned to Him, and He wrapped His robe around you for all to see, what would you do? 

I think of Mark 5:25-28

And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years.  She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.  When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak,  because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”  Immediately her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.

All she wanted was to merely touch just one of the tassles dangling from the bottom of His robe. 

He will do much more than that. 

If you have lost a baby, and in anger turned from God, I’m asking you right now, to come home.

Maybe you’re experiencing a pregnancy loss right now, or maybe you’ve had multiple losses and it feels as though you’ve been bleeding for twelve years, or maybe, it’s your heart that has been bleeding, broken, and in need of mending for such a long time.

Come home.  Reach out to Him.

He will embrace you excitedly and lovingly.

He will wrap you, like a robe, covering you, veiling you, loving you in His all-sufficient grace.

He promises.


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August 1, 2011 by Leave a Comment

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