Subsequently

On the hot summer night of June 7, several years ago, a woman began to labor her child, her daughter.  The father of the child lay asleep in the bedroom, after leaving stern instruction not to be awakened unless the birth of the child was imminent.

She labored, alone, quietly, until she was sure it was time to wake him.

In the dark morning of June 8, she mounted his motorcycle, this laboring mother, and held the back of his leather jacket as he rode her to the hospital entrance.  Prior to “The Bradley Method” of childbirth, which includes the father in the laboring process, was the “Jack Daniels Method”; the man rode on to the nearest bar to celebrate the arrival of his daughter.  The woman entered the hospital, alone.

This same woman labored two years earlier, and gave birth to a stillborn little girl.

What was this labor like for her?  Was she scared?  Terrified of what might happen?  Did her body’s successive pulls and squeezes, painful contractions, remind her of when she had experienced this last?  Did she pray?  Did she hope?  Did she cry?  Did she long for someone to wipe her forehead with a cool, damp cloth and tell her that her feelings are OK, that everything is going to be OK?  Did she wonder if this little girl she was about to meet would be breathing, would look at her, see her, respond to her touch, or if this little girl, like her last, would die during birth?

I don’t know.

She never told me.  Pieces of my childhood are jotted down in notes – notes in different handwriting from the different people who made executive decisions on my behalf.  I don’t know how my mother felt about my birth, because her feelings aren’t jotted down in my government issed file.  It is probable that nobody bothered to ask her.

A short time after my birth, my mother went to prison and my father fled the state.  I was raised in foster care, group homes, and institutions for the majority of my childhood.

What if someone had intervened? What if someone had wiped her forehead with a cool cloth, and told her it was OK to feel what she was feeling?  What if, before this pregnancy, someone offered her mentorship after my older sister had died?

Would she and my father have begun to seek a healthy, legal lifestyle?  Would she have escaped his abuses and began a life of healing?

Mothers of miscarried and stillborn babies need immediate support.  We need support at the exact time of the news that the baby is not going to live.  We need support through the remainder of the pregnancy, and through the process of childbirth.  We need postpartum support.  These things are, in large part, what our bereavement doula program is all about.  And, we need support long after these things are over.

Our doula and mentorship programs may not be enough to stop a predisposition for addictions and abuses, but it could be enough to reveal these predispositions and it could be enough to recognize the hunger for healing.  It could change lives.

Furthermore, a parent’s life is forever changed after the birth of a stillborn baby and many, many mothers who’ve given birth to miscarried babies recognize this same irreparable break.

We will never be the same.

It is a new beginning.  A new birth.  A new life.  A subsequent life.

In the same way newborns need to be cradled, held close, and touched tenderly, so too are bereaved mothers.   Sometimes, we can walk.  Sometimes we crawl, and still other times we just need to be carried.  But we always want our loved ones to be near, and we always want you to care.

I am a subsequent child, and I have a subsequent child.  I know.

~~~~~~~~~~

Some things for others to know:

    •  I want you to remember my baby, the baby who died.  I want you to recognize that the hardship of grief I am enduring is because I’ve been blessed with the role of mother and that I did, in fact, give birth to a baby.  My baby.
    • When you mention my baby, it is healing.  If I cry, if I smile, if I seem cool – however I respond – it is healing.
    • I am heartbroken because I am missing out on so many lovely things with my baby.  When you call my baby by name, when you speak to me about my child, you are giving me something back.
    • My experience is different than anyone else’s.  My journey is different than anyone else’s.  It is my journey.  I’d like you to walk it with me and we can share what we see together – I do want you to point out what you see in me and around me.  I don’t want you to blindfold me and tell me where I need to step.
    • The death of my baby is not exactly the same as the death of anyone else.  We can share in our common denominator only if we don’t use that as a means of forging or expecting each other to mourn a certain way.
    • Joyous occasions, like the birth of another child, still are subsequent to the death of my child.  There are no replacements – of my deceased child, or of the feelings I have for him.
    • I am thankful for the life of my child, however brief, and for the reality of my child, which is eternal.  I am humbly grateful for the things I have learned through his death and because of his death.  Help me honor the reality of my child by remembering the day he was born, and the day he died.
    • A pregnancy loss is still a birth, and is still a birthday.  It is recurrent.  It is annual.  I want you to remember the day with me.  As I recall the tiny person I saw, I will feel love for that child.  This feeling is right and is intended to be shared.  I will also feel sadness for the love I haven’t been able to lavish onto that child.  This feeling is also right and is intended to be shared.  I’d like to share it with you, but more than that, I’d like you to share it with me.  I’d like for you to initiate conversation – I’d like you to tell me that my baby’s short life was important to you, and that my baby’s eternal reality is important to you.
    • Please remember my baby’s important dates, just as you remember my other children’s dates.  Here is a nice card you can give me as I honor my baby’s stillbirthday through the years.
    • I’d like you to remember that I am still adjusting to my new life – my subsequent life – and I’d like you to offer me grace and forgiveness as I stumble on this journey.
    • I have offered you grace and forgiveness as you’ve stumbled in the things you have done and said, and failed to do and say, to me.  It is sometimes excruciating to do so, because I am adjusting to this new life and need caring for, but I do.  If you are not sure of how to care for me, ask.  I have answers to your questions.
    • I am not alone in the way I feel about this subsequent life.  One mother sends a plea to her loved ones to just say something to validate the reality of her child, while another challenges those who seek to shape the path of bereaved parents.  And thousands more find their way here, to stillbirthday, because they, too, want to learn how to make sense of this new, subsequent life.

Support for Home Stillbirth

Mothers of pregnancy losses make up a demographic that is largely misunderstood and as a consequence, poorly supported.

Within this demographic, are different, smaller groups.  These groups have some very important things in common, but there are very important distinctions between them as well; because pregnancy loss as an entire demographic is so poorly supported, the lines between the groups within it can be magnified when they ought not be, and they can be blurred or altogether forgotten when they shouldn’t be.

To better equip others in supporting pregnancy loss mothers, stillbirthday, through our many resources and programs, introduces you to these different groups, why they are different, and what their differing – and similar – needs are.

This article discusses home stillbirth – mothers who have given birth at home to their stillborn babies.  This group of mothers is shared among three subsets:

Planned Homebirth – Known Fatal Diagnosis/Known Stillbirth

These are mothers who learn during their pregnancies that their babies have a diagnosis that is incompatible with life, or who were planning a homebirth but at some point in pregnancy, the baby died.  These mothers choose to birth their babies at home and coordinate medical and legal aspects to do so.  The second portion of our Home Stillbirth planning article gives information to mothers and midwives on how to utilize this birthing option.  This option is under-utilized as of yet; the legal process can frustrate homebirth planning for a known stillbirth or fatal diagnosis, and so if a mother is utilizing midwifery care and planning on a homebirth, her care may be transferred to a hospital prior to, during or after the birth. To make things simpler, if a mother has hired a midwife with the intent of a planned homebirth, regardless of transfer of care, we refer to it in this article as a home stillbirth.

Unexpected Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth

The first portion of our Home Stillbirth article gives quick information for this emergency situation.

Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth

This subset is arguably the most controversial and difficult to discuss among homebirth midwives and mothers, but is the one  we will address in particular length here.  First, there are some basic things to know:

Homebirth is on the Rise

US home births

The National Center for Health Statistics, part of the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) issued a report showing that between 2004 and 2009 the number of homebirths increased  by 29%, a rise of 0.56% in 2004, to 0.72% in 2009. In 2009, a total of 29,650 homebirths were reported in the United States. While these look like big numbers, however, the overall number of American women giving birth at home is on the rise, but still low: in 2004 only 0.56% of births were at home, rising to 0.72% in 2009.

62% of these homebirths reported in 2009 occurred in the presence of midwives. 19% of home births had a certified nurse present, and 43% of home births were supervised by other types of midwives, for example, direct-entry midwives or certified professional midwives. The study reports that a mere 5% of home births had taken place in the presence of doctors, probably because the majority of them occurred without notice.  Researchers have only just began analyzing data on this topic in 1989.  The rise in homebirths is attributed to many plausible factors, including the rise in Cesarean births and mothers seeking to avoid a highly medicalized birth if it can be safely avoided.

Midwifery, and CPM in Particular (see chart below)  is also on the rise

State Regulation Chart_APRIL 2012

There are Different Kinds of Midwives

For a number of reasons, midwives in the United States vary in their expertise, their education, their credentials, their legal status and the place where they can help a mother give birth. Knowing about the different kinds of midwives can help you be an informed consumer and aid you in finding and choosing a midwife.

Because Homebirth is on the Rise – so, too, is Unexpected Home Stillbirth

Each year in the United States, approximately 26,000 mothers give birth to stillborn babies.  With homebirth on the rise, it would simply make sense that some of these numbers will begin to move into homebirth statistics.

Although Homebirth is on the Rise, it is a Small Rise, and so Support for Home Stillbirth is Scarce

Remember this from the homebirth chart above: the overall number of American women giving birth at home is on the rise, but still low: in 2004 only 0.56% of births were at home, rising to 0.72% in 2009.  Stillbirthday blazes the trail and provides support now to these mothers and midwives.

Within the ‘Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth’ subset, there is another divide

As if these subsets are not already at horrendous disadvantages for support and care, this particular subset is divided even further.  This is, in part, what makes planning and confirmimg your homebirth decision, so important.  When you find a provider to support you during your birth – whether it is a midwife or an obstetrician – it is important to know how they will support you in the event of a stillbirth.  Here is this next divide:

Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth – No Negligence/Unpreventable

We are down to an extremely small demographic.  This group as a whole finds a small amount of comfort in the truth that “stillbirths happen in hospitals too.”  This is also the group within pregnancy loss that we can know for certain will follow the trends of homebirth – as homebirth continues to rise, it is a certainty that this group will rise with it.  Even so, this group is still very unsupported in many important aspects of their grief (the interviews below can shed a little light on this, although it comes from a mother who had a negligent midwife).  We all would hope that any unexpected stillbirth would be in the category of “no negligence”, but this is just not the case.  As healing as the sentiment “stillbirths happen in hospitals too” may be for this group, it is strikingly offensive and glaringly minimizing to the next group of mothers, which is just one example of the differences between these groups and why understanding each of them is so very important.

Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth – Midwife Negligence/Preventable

We have begun with a growing but small number of mothers who choose homebirth, to those who experience an unexpected stillbirth, which is also a very small but growing number, and now down to the isolated group of mothers who find fault with their midwives relating directly or indirectly to the deaths of their infants.  It is important for this number to remain low.  But because it is so low, those who find themselves in this group are therefore the least understood, and as a result, the least supported.

Stillbirthday’s Official Statement: all mothers,  and all midwives, deserve grief support, whether there is negligence involved in the stillbirth or not.

The view of one negligent midwife

Stillbirthday obtained two exclusive interviews with one mother who found negligence with her midwife, and one midwife who separately admits she might have responded differently to one of her clients, prior to the stillbirth – these two do not know each other. Both share intimate details of their experiences with us, so that we can all glean wisdom from their darkest of hours and the haunting journey to healing afterward.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: The search for physical reasons/causes.  What has that been like for you?  Did you want to find any other reason other than negligence?  Why or why not?  Have you been “satisfied” with the “cause of death”?

Mother: When she initially passed away, I figured she had some sort of incompatibility with life defect. When my midwife gave us the newborn exam paper, we noticed several inconsistencies and went to the Detective about them. I knew a “midwife” in PA who was discussing our loss and the day of the funeral, my midwife was waiting on our steps when he ran home between the burial and luncheon. She was angry that other midwives were discussing this and the possibility of her being arrested. I did get angry with her. She would show up here and beg for me to not be angry. I remember her discussing her cancer and saying God sometimes does these things and reminding me how much she loved me and our family. Then, we got the death certificate. I called the Medical Examiner and discussed it with them. That began my descent into hell. I still frequently read things hoping that maybe, just maybe, that could be it instead. I feel that, if there had been a non-preventable cause of death, it would of been easier to accept, if that makes sense.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: The search for physical reasons/causes.  What has that been like for you?  Did you want to find any other reason other than negligence?  Why or why not?  Have you been “satisfied” with the “cause of death”?

Midwife: It is a very strange dichotomy.  I of course never wanted to have fault found against my care, but I simultaneously of course never wanted the mother to live with the thought that there was something she did or that the death of her son was somehow something she could have prevented.  I am a protector of birth.  I want to protect the mother, and the baby.  “These things just happen” seems so trite and so minimizing.  In my situation, I believe it is important to point out that days passed before the mother expressed concern in a decrease of fetal movement.  Should the mother have called me sooner?  Should I have called her?  How do we live with what happened?  How do we assimilate this?  Is there fault–real liability–involved?  In this mother’s case there just wasn’t, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering.  Even now, years later, I still wonder.  I imagine that the mother does as well.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: How did your family respond to the death of your daughter?

Mother: Our families have been great. At first, my mother in law was angry with us. My brother blamed me. But everyone has come around and are all very supportive.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: How do your loved ones respond when you have a professional loss?

Midwife:  I was very private about my feelings regarding this mother and her experience, which has been my only encounter with stillbirth.  I only shared my feelings with a couple of close colleagues.  One sent me a card; they both offered emotional support and helped me to honestly express my feelings without having to worry about it being misinterpreted, which was something I did fear.  My family was very supportive throughout.  I knew that this wasn’t my fault, even though a part of me maybe even almost wanted it to be–it seemed like it would make better sense, if there was someone to blame.  A part of me was also angry that the mother didn’t call me sooner.  It wasn’t her fault though, either.  This was tragic, and this was her tragedy, even though it greatly impacted me as well.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: What can moms possibly expect from their loved ones, and do you have any advice for them facing family after a homebirth loss?

Mother: Expect to deal with those who were against your decision to begin with, to be angry and possibly blame you. When you are facing that, turn to people who will support you regardless, giving you a safe grieving environment.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Did you seek legal counsel regarding your midwife’s negligence?  What is that process like?  What legal support do moms have?  Does seeking legal support help or interfere with the grieving process?

Mother: We did seek legal counsel. However, we were turned away repeatedly due to the lack of insurance our midwife had. Honestly, most mothers, depending upon type of midwife, will either have some recourse legally or none at all. If your midwife does not carry insurance, you really don’t stand a chance.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: The search for spiritual reasons/causes.  What has that been like for you?  Did you feel punished?  Did you feel rejected or ignored by God?  Did you want to retaliate against God?  How have your feelings toward God evolved?

Mother: At first, I tried finding a reason why God would allow this to happen. We prayed and prayed and prayed. I would read books on grief and all they did was infuriate me. God could not give me an answer. That was all I wanted, just an answer. Yes, I felt punished for being so cocky and confident and so self-righteous. In time, I began relying on my Christian friends to help me through this and after a bit, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity at all. I began practicing an alternative religion then just couldn’t do it anymore. Slowly, I began getting back to who I was in my faith. Is it as strong as it use to be? Not yet, but I’m working on it. I still want answers, but I don’t know if there ever will be a good enough answer. I just have to take this and use it for good, make something beautiful come out of it.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: How did you feel about yourself as a mother during the initial grief process?  Did the death of your daughter challenge your belief in yourself as a mother?  Wife?  Do you have any advice for moms facing guilt/ blaming themselves for choosing to homebirth?

Mother: I felt like I failed as a mother, totally and completely failed. However, now, I feel that I am a great mother and even if she isn’t here, I’m a great mother to her. I, actually we as a family, WE keep her memory alive. We still spoil the crap out of her. We still talk about her. As a wife, I was scared to death that my husband would resent me for the choices I made. He never has and so I haven’t had to question myself as his wife. As for advice, I am still dealing with the guilt/blame aspect of grief. I know I didn’t choose to have the midwife mess up, but I still chose her. I don’t know what it would take in order to alleviate the guilt/blame. I want other moms to know it’s normal and it’s ok to talk about.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: How did you feel about yourself as a midwife during the initial grief process?  Did your experience with stillbirth challenge your belief in yourself as a midwife?  Do you have any advice for midwives facing guilt/ blaming themselves or the mother?

Midwife: I was very shaken.  It was emotionally demanding, trying to soothe my own soul, while loving this mother through her many questions, fears, feelings, while additionally helping her transfer her care to a hospital, and helping her prepare to meet her stillborn son.  The enormity of the task is too difficult to even put into words.  I was afraid.  I was stuck in fear, and my fear shaped the support I provided.  It shaped the support I provided for quite a few mothers after her, as well.  I became almost obsessed with ensuring that mothers really understood about fetal kick counts, and that they understand that they can call me, for anything, anytime.  What is not the norm had such an enormous impact on me that, for a time, I perceived it as the norm.  My advice is twofold: establish trusting relationships with peers and colleagues.  Have someone you can run to and say, “I am scared out of my mind.  I am horrified that this precious child is gone.  How do I really–I mean,how do I REALLY–provide what this mother needs?”  You need to be supported.  Second, talk about death (maternal and fetal).  Stillbirthday is doing an enormous thing by talking about something that is so very taboo.  The truth is, we want it to be taboo, I think.  We don’t want to talk about it.  But, we just have to.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: What were the first days like?

Mother: I remember bits and pieces, so they were pretty much a fog. I had people helping us with the house and kids, but who it was and who had which kids where, I don’t remember. I remember going to the funeral home and doing ok until the director came in the room showing us the casket our baby would be put into. Never, in a million years, do I think I would be putting my newborn baby in a casket. That wasn’t what was suppose to happen. I remember taking in the burial outfit and how kind and warm the receptionist was. That has stayed with me. She told me she could feel The Lord in the room. That next day, we got to go see our daughter and do her footprints, both of us trying to pretend that we didn’t see the autopsy scars on her body. The next day, I remember getting angry at people who were arriving early because that was our time. I remember my brother in laws mother coming and I remember thinking, “she doesn’t know me and still came”. I remember being almost carried out of the funeral home after having to say goodbye. Then I remember having to leave her in the cemetery with the director. I slept when I was drugged up. When my husband returned to work, he made sure I always had a babysitter for those first few weeks.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Do you think that a homebirth loss has a different initial grief reaction than hospital birth?

Mother: I do and I don’t. I think it would depend upon the cause of death. Having friends with preventable hospital losses, their feelings often seem to mirror mine.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: Do you think that a homebirth loss has a different initial grief reaction for the mother than hospital birth?

Midwife: Yes, when it is an unexpected loss, absolutely.  I believe the mother is riddled with guilt, shame, and is haunted by horror and regret.  I believe this would be especially so if the baby died during the planned homebirth, which wasn’t my experience and so I can only speculate.  In a hospital birth, there seems to be more certainty, whether this is purely illusion or not.  The highly clinical environment gives the mother the sense that everyone around her is in control and knows everything.  It offers her a certain amount of detachment from the processing, I think.  She can be told what happened, and spend her grief working on accepting that or not, whereas with an unexpected home stillbirth, she is put into a different position of being one, likely feeling like the only one, really trying to make sense of what happened.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Were there daily reminders that a mom might not have in a hospital birth, that played into your emotional response or grief?

Mother: Yes, my home was a huge reminder. Walking into the bathroom,  I could still see the medics sitting with me as I sat in the tub. I could remember the “exam” my midwife did in my bedroom. I took pictures of the kids with their sister in the living room. I remembered the medics running to the door and taking her out of my arms to the ambulance. Everything about that house was a reminder. I ended up redoing the house afterwards and then we just moved. When I drive by that house, it’s one huge flashback.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Did you feel professionally supported in your grief in the early days?

Mother: I did. My doctor immediately put me on medication and let me talk.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: Did you feel professionally supported in your grief in the early days?

Midwife: As I said earlier, I felt enormous fear.  I reached out to two of my sister colleagues, and received support from them, and from my family.  I didn’t receive support from any additional sources, although now in hindsight I believe I should have utilized additional support to really help me process my fear.  If it was a situation where the mother held me accountable for the death of her son, I might have felt forced to share my experience more publicly just so I’d know what to do.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: Did you feel that you adequately supported the mother in her grief in the early days?

Midwife: I want other midwives to know that we can’t fully support a mother in her grief.  She needs a village of caring, heartfelt souls around her.  Her physical care needs tending to, but she also needs emotional and spiritual support.  While I say this, it is equally  important not to neglect the mother.  In our fear, and our own emotions, we can dread facing the mother again or being reminded of what is already haunting us.  We need to continue to provide care, and we need to enlist the help, discernment, wisdom and love of others who are connected to the mother.  We also need to be careful not to take support away from the mother to fulfill our own needs.  I heard once of a midwife, who was at that point acting as the doula, chatting away frantically at the hospital chaplain when he was there to speak with the mother.  We would be wise to imagine how our reaching for support is interpreted by the mother, whether there is liability, raising funds for legal aid, or anything else involved, because it can quickly appear as if it is us versus them, when that is by far the last impression we want to send.  We are for the mother.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When a mother has a home stillbirth, where does she turn for immediate postpartum care, particularly if the midwife was negligent during the birth?  Who gives a postpartum depression screening (EPDS) or follow up care for the mother?

Mother: If there is a rush to the hospital, normally the doctors/nurses will offer to check mom out. I did not receive a PPD screen and had no OB followup care. When I saw my primary care doctor, like I said he gave me meds and let me talk, but I ended up getting worse and did attempt to put my van into a tree. He just increased the medication and I threw it out.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: How did you feel about your midwife during the initial grief process?  Could you walk me through the transition – when and how did it happen – when you went from trusting your midwife to realizing that there was negligence?  What feelings did you have?

Mother: At first, I did care about her and was trying to find a reason that she died. I did run a few by her and she was pretty ok with it. However, the lies and covering her behind began very early. My daughter was born/died on Thursday and Monday morning before the funeral is when my husband contacted the detective about the newborn exam paper. Finding out she lied was a kick in the teeth. We ended up with three different copies of the exam. Then, she was constantly emailing wanting to do this or that together and wondering if we had gotten anything back from the Coroner. Once we got the death certificate, I asked for my records, which were also falsified. You can see where she crossed things out and wrote in something new. When she learned we were trying to have a peer review done, she began emailing me, only being more persistent this time. I was furious that I trusted her, she failed, yet she was trying to manipulate us into standing by her and just accepting our daughter’s death. Learning her history and knowing that deaths/injuries are still occurring makes me see red.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: What was it like when you first shared your experience with those who support homebirth – those who encouraged you in your path to homebirth?  Did you expect the reactions you received from others?

Mother: They were supportive until I began speaking out after learning that this was due to negligence. They attacked me. I didn’t know what I was talking about. Sorry my baby died, but babies die in hospitals too. I had no right to project my feelings on to others, etc. It was like Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde, as soon as I said one word not supportive of homebirth or midwives.  I don’t think I expected anger towards me. I did nothing wrong, yet, I have born the brunt of this. I hoped my “friends” would be angry that this midwife failed us. I hoped they would want to see some sort of accountability and see this not continuing to happen. I expected support and did not receive it.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about positive home births, with live babies as the outcome, how does that make you feel?

Mother: I remember having a positive homebirth with a living baby, so I was in their shoes once. I hope, I hope, they never end up in our shoes. When these are risky births, I think to myself that they got lucky. Sometimes, I do wonder why they get a living baby and I didn’t. I did everything right and lost her.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about homebirth that resulted in unexpected stillbirth, and they used your midwife, and they do not find your midwife accountable, how does that make you feel?

Mother: It does make me angry. I feel that not examining the entire labor/birth and the midwife’s actions just encourages these midwives to continue on causing more babies to die. It’s a real blow to find out that others allowed a midwife to continue and supported her in the losses or other infants under their watch. Part of me, almost wants to hold the parents, that allowed my midwife to walk away from their babies deaths, accountable. I don’t understand how anyone can let someone just walk away from accountability in their role in the death of a baby. It’s inexcusable. I have tried to get the word out, but I still feel responsible each time I learn about a death or injury under my midwife’s watch.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about homebirth that resulted in unexpected stillbirth, and they used another midwife (not yours), and they do not find theirrmidwife accountable, does that become a factor to you in any way?  Do you doubt her?  Does it make you wonder?  Does that become a factor in reaching out to her?

Mother: There have been a few times where I have wondered but kept my thoughts to myself and just helped the mother. I have only even encountered a few women who had blatant negligence involved, and honestly, it makes me want to hit my head into a brick wall.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about hospital stillbirth, and that they find their OB at fault, how does that make you feel? Do you feel that these mothers have better support than mothers who find their homebirth midwives at fault?  Why or why not?

Mother: I can sympathize with them and I do, totally. If their OB/nurses/midwife in the hospital messed up, I want to see some accountability and I try to give them the support they need to feel free to speak out. I don’t want them silenced. Their stories and losses are just as important as mine. I do feel that they are better supported than homebirth loss mothers, though. I feel this way because the homebirth/midwifery community behaves as if midwives can do no wrong. I’ve seen them supported unconditionally, meals made for them, rallies in their support, pledges of money, etc. We get NOTHING, yet it was our baby lost.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: When mothers share about hospital stillbirth, and that they find their OB at fault, how does that make you feel? Do you feel that these mothers have better support than mothers who find their homebirth midwives at fault?  Why or why not?

Midwife: Obviously, I certainly don’t want stillbirth to occur anywhere.  I don’t think that mothers are very well supported wherever there is a stillbirth, and whether there is liability involved or not.  I would like to think that midwifery care provides more support for these mothers than obstetrical care, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  There seems to be consistant support in hospitals: hugs, pamphlets, chaplains, some have staff on hand just for bereavement, and this is all whether there is negligence by the OB or not.  When the death occurs under a midwife’s care, I think the guard of fear automatically goes up for the midwife, whether there is negligence involved or not.  The midwife is more intimately connected to the mother than the OB is, so the loss is more intimate.  It’s personal.  The midwife is grieving, too, and I think there is a fear of interrupting one’s grieving process to support the needs of the other.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: In what ways has your perspective changed through your years of grieving?

Mother: I used to hate all homebirth and hate all midwives. Now, I’m fine with homebirth, but only with a CNM as their educations and training are sufficient. The CPM/lay midwife education/training here is highly inadequate. There is no professional behavior in the lay midwife world, at least not as a whole. I feel that things could be so much better for mothers and babies here if standards actually existed within the community. I still get tired of the same crappy comments and wish people would truly open their eyes to see the harm they inflict upon us. I’m even more resolved to change things. These years have shown me what I am working towards and helped instill such a passion and fire within me. I want to be able to forgive myself. I want to be rid of the guilt I carry. I have mothers ask me how they can help themselves deal with that feeling and I’m clueless. My determination began with speaking out against ALL midwives and all homebirth. Now, it’s towards ensuring safety. I do NOT want other women to walk this road. I wouldn’t wish this on my own worst enemy and if I can help prevent one loss, just one, then this fight is worth it. As for expressing and utilizing my grief, I guess my anger and passion does help carry me. I also open up and expose that wound to the world. These two sometimes gets me negative attention, but at other times, it’s totally positive. The advice I have to offer to a mom when negligence was involved- You are not alone. It is OK to question things. It is ok to question the midwife’s actions. It’s ok to step out and say “My baby should not have died”. It’s ok to want accountability. Every thought/feeling you have is normal. Brace yourself for the onslaught of those who did not support your choice to begin with. Please know it is not your fault (easier said than done) and those of us in this “community” will wrap our arms around you and support you as much as you need. We won’t make you go through this alone.  We will hold your hand through this journey. I’ve learned exactly who my friends are and who they’ve always been. I’ve learned who truly cares and I once considered it a curse, but it’s a blessing. God has helped prune these people from my life in order to make room for these beautiful people. I want to see beauty come from this and what’s more beautiful than a new mother with her new LIVING baby. I want them to have what was robbed of us.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: In what ways has your perspective changed through your years of grieving?

Midwife: I used to “trust birth”, but that has evolved and now I “respect birth”.  Pregnancy is unpredictable and statistics are actually people.  Pregnancy and birth are beautiful seasons in a woman’s life, and even the birth of a stillborn baby holds a sacred, powerful place.  I think about that little boy and his mother and am reminded that nothing on this earth is perfect, pain can permeate the most beautiful of experiences.  We need to strive with everything within us to protect life, but when it slips past one of us, we need to draw nearer together than ever before, look into each other’s tear stained eyes, and whether there is liability, guilt, or blame, we need to–each and every one of us, mothers, midwives, doctors, whomever–determine to carry on the life lost in as dignifying, respectful, and honoring a manner as possible.  We will only do this through honest confession, complete forgiveness, and in loving surrender.  

[The photo of the baby during delivery was donated by a bereaved mother who received negligent midwifery care.  The owner of the photo, the mother interviewed, and the midwife interviewed, all shared important truths, voluntarily and anonymously, and are protected under stillbirthday’s submission information, which you may view if you have any objection to the things they’ve shared.  Highlighted aspects: both the midwife and the mother feel simultaneous guilt and blame, even as their grief has evolved.  They have both come to a place of identifying their multifaceted feelings.  Both have been changed by their experiences, and seek to help others be changed through their experiences as well.  Both have felt alone, terribly isolated, in fact, and seek to ensure that others after them do not feel this isolation.  Both have a powerful testimony and I am thankful to each of them for sharing.  It is their hope, as it is mine, that you will have learned something valuable about the importance of supporting others enduring home stillbirth.]

Stillbirthday aims to provide support to everyone involved and impacted by pregnancy/infant loss.  We have resources for providers as well as support for mothers throughout this site. 

Home Stillbirth is on the rise.  Stillbirthday rises to your needs.

You are not alone.

We Want to see You, Grayson

Heather discovered in her 16th week of pregnancy that her son, Grayson, had Anencephaly.

Her providers gave her the option to terminate the pregnancy, but she and her husband prayerfully decided to continue with the pregnancy.  Heather says,

“My husband and I, we started prayer and we knew that God knew since the beginning of time that He had us for this.” (source)

Deciding to carry to term or not is the most difficult decision a parent could possibly face for their child – regardless of how they choose.

And yet, this is not the only painful choice a parent faces, when they learn they have a baby who has Anencephaly.  Recently, Private Practice aired an episode in which a mother gave birth to an anencephalic baby, and made the decision to donate his organs, raising the question, can Anencephalic babies be organ donors?

“Theoretically they can. In practice, there are certain problems. The science of organ grafting in newly-born babies is incipient; its medium-term results are not well known, whereas its  long-term results are not known at all. The organs of an anencephalic child can only be removed if the child has been  certified dead. However, the criteria that define cerebral death cannot usually be applied to children under 7 days old.  Before cerebral death is confirmed, the organs of such children may become so damaged that they are unfit for  organ-donation. Anencephalic children do not have a rear brain but they do have a forebrain which usually functions  normally at birth. The forebrain dies slowly and other organs may die in the intervening period of time. It has been  observed that clinical cerebral death (complete absence of reactions and reflexes and absence of spontaneous breathing)  almost always occurs after the heart has begun to fail. Therefore anencephalic children would only rarely be able to  donate organs. In some countries / states, the heart valves can be removed for use in a later transplant. The problems mentioned above  are less relevant because the valves can be removed up to 8 hours after the death of the child and are frozen until a  recipient is found. “ (source)

These are both huge decisions: to carry to term, or not, and to donate organs, or not.

And yet these are not the only decisions a family faces when they learn their child has Anencephaly.

A mother can choose breastmilk donation, have special photos of the birth, incorporate special Farewell Celebrations and utilize the help of bereavement doulas, and more, all available here at stillbirthday.

Heather wanted to validate the reality of her son Grayson James, by sharing his photos with her friends on Facebook.

Anencephaly is not easy to look at.  There is visible exposure, the shape of the baby’s head is visibly incomplete.  Without wearing a newborn hat, bonnet, or wrapping, it is very apparent that Anencephaly impacts the development of the baby’s skull and brain formation.  Parents must prepare themselves to see what is missing – what these parents discover, is that they do not need to prepare themselves for everything that is not missing – they see a baby, their baby, and they fall in love with their child.  They see their child as beautiful.  And then they may want to share that with others.  Because, their child is beautiful.

Unfortunately, Heather’s photos were removed- which means they were first reported.  Heather responded to Facebook,

“Dear Facebook,  All babies are beautiful blessings.  Where do you get off saying this angel is offensive?”  (source)

Heather and her friends continued to repost Grayson’s precious photos – but then Facebook put Heather on a 24 hour ban from the site.

Photos of Grayson do not violate any of Facebook’s community standards, which you can access for yourself but consist of the following:

  • Violence and Threats
  • Self-Harm
  • Bullying and Harassment
  • Hate Speech
  • Graphic Violence
  • Nudity and Pornography
  • Identity and Privacy
  • Intellectual Property
  • Phishing and Spam

Here is a slideshow of Grayson’s photos.  If Heather, his mother, wants to honor her son by sharing the reality of his condition, his short life, his real personhood, his impact on his family, his reach into the world, than we at stillbirthday stand with this mother to help make that happen.  We will carry you, Grayson, in our hearts.

We want to see you.
[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJuKJHx69sE]

Meaning of Mother’s Day

{Site Creator’s note: this was shared at our Facebook page, and it got such an enormous response that I am sharing this here, exactly as it was passed on to me.}

Real Meaning of Mothers Day By:

~Kara L.C. Jones~

“… let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead…”   ~Julia Ward Howe, Bosto…n, 1870

Mothers Day certainly stinks if your child is dead. In fact all holidays usually stink, but especially Mothers and Fathers Days which seem to be just made-up, hallmark-driven, commercial entities — those especially stink. I never had the energy to delve further than hallmark to learn about Mothers Day, never knew where it came from, nor why it is still celebrated with no sense of the tradition being mentioned.
Well, this year, to my surprise, I got a history lesson. A group of women on our small island decided that they didn’t want to celebrate and contribute to the capitalistic hallmark economy this year. They wanted to protest against violence. They wanted to express their maternal feelings for ALL children of any race, nationality, religion, gender, alive or dead. And they wanted to honor the power of that expression. So here in our little piece (peace) of earth, there was a parade, a small festival-atmosphere gathering at Ober Park lawn and playground. And they were spreading the ORIGINAL MEANING OF MOTHERS DAY AS JULIA WARD HOWE WROTE ABOUT IT AND ORIGINALLY VISIONED IT!!!!!!

What???? When they told me about this endeavor, I was so intrigued that Mothers Day had a real and meaningful history. I still was not able to bring myself to march with them and celebrate with all their beautiful, living children playing while I was smarting at the heart, grieving my dead son and my motherhood lost. BUT I had a much greater appreciation for Mothers Day, for history, for taking a stand against violence and war to save the world’s children. And here’s why:
In 1870, Julia Ward Howe wrote and published a protest against the carnage and violence of the Civil War — this was a protest led by WOMEN WHO HAD LOST THEIR SONS!!!!! It was bereaved mothers who started this!!!! Hallmark is WAY OFF the mark with the way this holiday is commercialized and propagated now, BUT in the beginning, this was a day of protest, an expression of horrified grief from bereaved mothers who were parted from their sons!! Wow. Okay. That’s a different spin.

So what did Julia have to say back in 1870? You read and see for yourself:   Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether our baptism be that of water or of fears!
Say firmly: “We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.

We women of one country will be too tender of those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs. From the bosom of the devastated earth a voice goes up with our own. It says “Disarm, Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice.”
Blood does not wipe our dishonor nor violence indicate possession. As men have often forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them then solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after their own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar, but of God.
In the name of womanhood and of humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality may be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.
Julia Ward Howe   Boston 1870

HELLO!!!!???????? Mothers Day came as an answer to Julia’s proclamation. It started as a ceremony of bereavement and then as a movement for peace and action to stop the senseless deaths of children everywhere. Our society can commercialize all they want. Because in my heart of hearts I know the real meaning of this day came from pain, loss, and grief — the same things I feel on any given Mothers Day. And from now on, when people urge me to celebrate the day, I will tell them this:

 “I’ll celebrate with you as long as you will first mourn with me. It is the combination of the two that lends itself to the true meaning of Mothers Day!”

{And a THANK YOU Marybeth Pavese O’Donnell for sharing this at stillbirthday!}

Pregnancy Loss Support Survey

Pregnancy and infant loss mothers, stillbirthday wants your feedback.

May is Pregnancy Awareness Month here in the US, and so we here at stillbirthday would like to know, what have been the best – and worst – pregnancy resources that prepared you with loss information prior to your loss (so, while you were pregnant), and/or supported you during or after your loss.  If the resources you utilized while pregnant ever broached the subject of loss, we want to know about it – and how well they measured up!

To clarify: this survey is about the pregnancy resources you’ve ever used – not pregnancy loss resources.  How well did your pregnancy resources inform you about pregnancy loss?

To participate, please let us know about any resource within the following categories:

Pregnancy Books – BEST support

  • gave accurate facts, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Books – WORST support

  • gave poor statistics and very little information

Pregnancy Blogs – BEST support

  • felt connected, author was compassionate, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Blogs – WORST support

  • didn’t address loss at all or did so in a confusing and unsupportive way

Pregnancy Facebook Pages/Groups- BEST support

  • felt connected, page owner was compassionate, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Facebook Pages/Groups – WORST support

  • didn’t address loss at all or did so in a confusing and unsupportive way

Pregnancy Websites – BEST support

  • gave accurate facts, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Websites – WORST support

  • gave poor statistics and very little information

Pregnancy/Birth Methods – BEST support

  • instructor/method gave accurate facts, linked to support resources – do NOT submit the name of your personal instructor, only the name of the birth method/class

Pregnancy/Birth Methods – WORST support

  • instructor/method gave poor statistics and very little information – do NOT submit the name of your personal instructor, only the name of the birth method/class

You can submit as many votes as you’d like, for as many categories as you’d like.  Just leave a comment below, making sure you articulate which catories your votes belong to.  At the end of the month, I will fill in the categories so we can see which pregnancy resourses have the best- or the worst – pregnancy and infant loss support!

Flowers From School

written in honor of Bereaved Mother’s Day – May 6

She would be six years old.

Her mother would be waking early in the morning, to pack her a lunch and place her items carefully in a brown paper bag, folding the top over, and placing a heart sticker on the outside of the bag.

Her mother would tuck the brown paper sack into the pink, glittery back pack.

Her mother would help her pick out blue jeans with a pretty multi-colored butterfly pattern along the seam, and a purple shirt to match.

This mother would brush her daughter’s dark brown hair and tie it in pigtails with bright green hair ties.

She would see her daughter off to school, kissing her forehead and telling her that she loves her.

After school, the little girl would come bounding up the front steps, pigtails bouncing, holding a small plastic cup with a small, budding flower in it, just for her mother, with a heart scribbled in red on the outside of the cup.

“Happy Mother’s Day!” she’d say, as her mother would open the screen door, scoop up her daughter, and hug her in thankfulness.

That night, this mother would run her daughter a bubble bath, wash her hair with strawberry shampoo, and lay out Snow White panties and Cinderella pajamas.

The mother would brush her daughter’s dark, soft hair and the two of them would giggle together over something only mothers and little girls giggle about.

After the mother finished reading her a Bible story, turned on the princess night light, and tucked her into bed, she would go to the kitchen sink to finish washing the dishes, where the new flower, sitting on the window ledge above the kitchen sink, would cause her to stop and smile.

The very first Mother’s Day gift her daughter ever brought home from school.

Instead, she goes grocery shopping, and places the bags in the back seat of her car, where a booster seat with purple flowers on it and cookie crumblies crunched into it should be.

Instead, the refridgerator door is bare and shiny where sheets of beautiful scribbly artwork should be.

Instead, three feet above the floor level, the walls are all perfectly clean, where tiny smudgy fingerprints should be.

Instead of joining MOPS, she joins a support group.

Instead of calling her daughter’s Brownie leader, she emails her bereavement mentee.

Instead of going through her daughter’s bookbag to find a worksheet with a shiny gold star, and carefully placing the worksheet in a scrapbook for her daughter to treasure and to pass down to her own children someday, she opens her tiny shoebox sized container of items saved from the day her beautiful daughter was born…the day her beautiful daughter died.

Instead of dreaming of passing down her wedding dress to her daughter, she opens the tiny ziploc bag that holds her daughter’s first blanket, and quickly, she breaths deeply, trying to capture and remember every last detail of her daughter, before tightly shutting the bag again.

Instead of teaching her daughter how to write her name, she reads her daughter’s obituary.

Instead of her daughter bringing her flowers from school…

the mother….brings flowers….to her daughter.

While she wouldn’t have quite been six yet, this article is inspired by Mary Beth and her mother, Bambi. Bambi is a stillbirthday mentor and gave permission to use this photo to contribute to honoring all loss moms who’ve been walking this path of life after loss for years.
For those mothers who’ve endured bereavement for years, stillbirthday honors you.

Ignoring Our Embryos

Review and Giveaway!

Important note: there is no ‘one right way’ to grieve, or to interpret your own loss.  This giveaway challenge is specifically for the parents who have had early losses, who also feel that something has been missing in their grief journey.  If you’ve ever felt you wanted to share more about your loss but didn’t, perhaps you might be encouraged by this opportunity.  This challenge is certainly not meant to discredit your feelings if you are, in fact, OK with the ways you’ve shared or with your – or others’ – interpretation of your loss.  It can be very scary to reach out and reveal more about ourselves or to seek to change things for other loss mothers after us, but if you have ever felt a nagging desire that things were different in your own experience, know that you aren’t alone, and we can do this together.

“Miscarriages are labor, miscarriages are birth.  To consider them less dishonors the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly.”

~Kathryn Miller Ridiman, Midwifery Today 1997

Although much improvement has still to be made in regard to providing compassionate, comprehensive care to families who’ve lost children to stillbirth, even more is lacking for families who’ve experienced the loss of our children through miscarriage.

Miscarriage is quickly dismissed, even among the most pro-life, religious, and even the most compassionate of people.  Why is this?

It is because of a number of things – a few of which, though, actually lay right at the responsbility of the families who’ve lost these children.  That’s right – even I take responsibility.

Have you done any of the following:

  1. Waited to share the news of your pregnancy with others until you “knew” things would be more official?  Was there a pregnancy week or developmental milestone you wanted to make sure the baby reached before sharing the news?  Was it so that you didn’t have to burden people with the awkward news of taking the joy back?  Was it so that, just in case things “went wrong”, you wouldn’t have to explain it to anyone?  Setting up your support system by telling the good news to even just one trustworthy person places you in a position of receiving the care you deserve – in case things do “go wrong”.
  2. Kept the news of your miscarriage quiet?  Did you move on into “silent grief” believing that others wouldn’t understand what you were enduring?
  3. Shared the news of your loss by saying that it was not a loss at all, but some other clinical, non-emotional event such as an “incident”, “accident” or “medical issue”?
  4. Shared the news of your loss by saying “I had a miscarriage”?  This immediately – and very incorrectly – gives the person you are speaking with the impression that it was an event – a sudden event – that occured in the past and is now over.  They do not interpret this news with nearly the amount of the emotional, spiritual or even the physical reality that takes place.  Did you know that there are more validating ways to explain what happened?  Try one of these instead:
  • I gave birth to my miscarried baby last April.
  • My miscarried baby was born last year.
  • I have five children; four in the house, and one in heaven.
  • I gave birth to five children – one by miscarriage.

5. Shared the news of your loss by saying “I had a stillbirth?”  Particularly if you had a “late miscarriage” that was closer to the earliest stillbirth weeks (say, at 17 weeks on or so), referring to your loss as a stillbirth as opposed to a miscarriage may allow you to receive a little more of the support you deserve, but it doesn’t do anything to help out other mothers who’ve lost their children by miscarriage, and in short, you really are taking away from your own care, because it ought to align with the reality of your own unique experience.

6.  Told how many children you have – without including the miscarried one(s)?  Some mothers are completely confident in the truth that they gave birth to a miscarried baby without feeling reservations in not sharing it with others – and that is fine.  But this challenge for this giveaway is for mothers who do feel a sting, an awkwardness, a pull to share, when they hesitantly refrain from telling others about their losses.  If you’ve ever felt uncomfortable about not including the total number of children you have, perhaps now is a time to consider just trying it out.

I gave birth to my miscarried son on April 19, 2011.  Stillbirthday is in fact, his legacy – because I realized in all certainty through my experience that a pregnancy loss is in fact still a birthday.  It is still a birth – I labored, I prepared to meet him, and he was born.  It is still a birthday – it is an event that is marked in my life annually and permanently.  His birthday nears and I don’t go shopping to wrap books and toys in blue paper with green ribbons, but his stillbirthday nears and I reflect on the short time I was given with him, and what being pregnant with him meant – personally and eternally, holding his life, nurturing his tiny body as his baby heart flickered and his tiny toes developed and his tiny features changed in supernatural magnificence that only God could be the author and designer of.  Yes, my son mattered, and my son matters still.

I take this challenge with my fellow sisters and friends of heartbreak – those who’ve lost children by miscarriage.  Let us change the language we use and let us honor our children even better.

If you saw yourself in any of the above six examples, please, step out now and boldly proclaim that you will make a change.  Leave a comment at the end of this article, sharing what you will do differently.  You don’t have to go into personal details – just say “Today, I am going to (do this differently).” Those brave mothers (and fathers) who step out to determine to speak differently about our losses will be entered to win an amazing book by author Elizabeth Petrucelli.  This giveaway contest will run from May 1, 2012, to May 31, 2012.  The winner will be announced at our Facebook page on June 1.  Please enter a valid email address.

All That is Seen and Unseen” is a raw, intimate account of a mother facing the most important and critical crossroads of her entire life – attaining her professional dream, or, embracing the gift of new motherhood for the second time.  Elizabeth – a mother and a doula – takes us through the most personal of her experiences to show us the universal truth that a pregnancy loss – at any stage – is still the death of a child.

In this book, Elizabeth shares some of her most intimate journal entries as she recounts the events that surrounded the discovery of her pregnancy, the fears she harbored, the concerns she had, and the feelings she experienced.  She takes us back to her childhood and the obstacles she faced with PCOS, including depression, terrible side effects of treatment, the challenges from her insurance company, the struggles within her marriage, to, after five years of obstacles, the birth of her first son, Joey.

Elizabeth poignantly shares her most intimate thoughts through her first trimester pregnancy and loss:

Would she kill this baby with her regret?

Underneath her regret, she expresses that there was something even more pervading – fear.  Fear of connecting with this baby – fear of losing this baby.

She shares about the pride and astonishment (both hers and her husbands) at the victory of obtaining a pregnancy without the use of fertility treatment.

Would the baby be able to rekindle what was lost in their marriage?

Would she be able to have the homebirth she dreamed of?

Sensing that her baby was in danger, Elizabeth desperately and passionately strived to provide her baby with everything she could to increase the likelihood of survival.

She believed others would think she was irrational if she shared her fears with them.

How would her son, Joey, handle the news of the death of his sister?

This amazing, powerful, personal book shows that a mother bonds immediately with her preborn baby, even when the mother faces a crossroads and is challenged to her core at the news of a positive pregnancy.  It shows that everything about the mother’s life is impacted when she discovers she is pregnant: she makes changes to her environment, her health, her workplace, her dreams for her future – everything in her life is touched by the reality of the presence of her tiny, growing baby.

Through her pregnancy and loss experiences, Elizabeth shows us what is gained in pregnancy, and what is lost when the baby dies – even when the baby dies in the first trimester.

This book also covers:

  • how fathers are also immediately impacted at the news of pregnancy
  •  the difference between grief and depression
  • the difference in grief reactions from men and women
  • the impact of grief on physical health
  • the challenges to marriage that pregnancy loss can bring
  • the impact of pregnancy, and loss, on children / older siblings
  • the short term and long term positives and negatives of miscarrying naturally versus giving birth via D&C
  • the employment / professional challenges that mothers can face from a pregnancy loss
  • the secret feelings that a newly bereaved loss mother may face toward herself and others
  • the challenges to faith that pregnancy loss can bring
  • the impact of pregnancy, and loss, on extended family / relatives and how they react
  • the importance of taking care of your emotional health through the experience of loss, including helpful tips and ideas
  • the emotional, spiritual, and physical long term effects of pregnancy loss

If you would like a chance to win this book, you can do so by participating in our giveaway opportunity! If you saw yourself in any of the six examples at the very top of this article, please, leave a comment below, stating the opportunity you have found today to speak differently about your pregnancy or your loss.  You don’t have to go into personal details – just say “Today, I am going to (do this differently).”

Examples include:

“I am going to find at least one special person I can trust to share the news with about this pregnancy, even though it is early.”

“Just today, I am going to share (maybe post on my Facebook page or some other way), that I gave birth to my miscarried baby on (date).”

“Today, I am not going to say that my loss was a stillbirth, but that I gave birth via miscarriage.”

“More often, I am going to include all of my children when asked how many I have.”

“When I speak about my loss, I will utilize opportunities to validate that it was a birth and a death, not an incident or procedure.”

“I am going to (finally) tell someone that I have given birth to a miscarried baby (I’ve never told anyone about it before).” *

*Please know that stillbirthday is a safe place to share your experience.  Just use our Share Your Story link for details.

 Those brave mothers (and fathers) who step out to determine to speak differently and help shift the paradigm surrounding miscarriage will be entered to win this amazing book by Elizabeth Petrucelli.

Click here to learn more about the book and the author.

~~~

This giveaway is now closed.  Thank you, each of you, ladies, mothers, for sharing such intimate and important parts of your hearts.  The winner is Lisa Dunn.

Tips to Talking about It

A full term pregnancy lasts approximately 280 days.

Childbirth, for a first time mother, lasts approximately 24-36 hours.  It lasts even less for subsequent births.

Breastfeeding lasts approximately 3 years per child at the outmost, but studies continue to show that it lasts approximately 6 months to a year per child.

Co-sleeping lasts anywhere from weeks to a handful of years.

These are all topics at the forefront of pregnancy and birth education, in books, classes, and in online discussions.

Pregnancy loss lasts a lifetime.

And it is not talked about.

If you run a pregnancy or birth blog, Facebook page, or class, it is important for you to begin discussing this topic, and to do so wisely.

I understand that you might be afraid.  You might be worried that you don’t have experience on the topic, you don’t know how to start talking about it, and you don’t want to scare pregnant mothers.

I understand.

There is a way to work around these things, and still prepare your readers or your audience.  These mothers deserve to be prepared.

Here are some tips and things you can present:

1. “Now that you are pregnant, what do you say/do for a friend who experiences pregnancy/infant loss?” 

This is the easiest way to introduce the subject.  It takes the fear of loss off of the mother, but lets her find a place to share about something she may have already experienced in her pregnancy: her friend, sister, co-worker or neighbor may have experienced a loss while she was pregnant.  Stillbirthday addresses this important situation, and provides support for the pregnant mother on how to respond to her grieving friend.  Please visit our “Friends/Family” link, and scroll down to the section that gives these mothers this useful information.  Check out Birth Without Fear, both her blog and on Facebook, for her authentic and admirable approach to bereavement.  Read this article from Brio Birth.  They have broached the subject of pregnancy loss from the perspective of “What to do When a Friend Experiences Pregnancy Loss.”

2. “Does anyone feel comfortable sharing about their pregnancy & infant loss experience(s)?”

This uncovers the secret community of heartbroken mothers right within the community you already have established.  It brings you closer to them – it addresses the reality they carry alone.  It brings them closer to each other, and helps them support one another.

Please, be prepared in advance for your readers sharing their stories and/or photos of their babies.  I have endured quite a lot at stillbirthday, with people stealing photos, lying about losses, accusing others of lying about their losses, people saying horrendous things about others’ experiences and their children.  I’ve encountered mothers being blamed for their birth choices, blamed for their expressions of grief, blamed for being unsupported, and blamed for actually using their experiences for good. I’ve encountered segregation between mothers experiencing loss from different perspectives, decisions and processes.  Please, be very mindful of the opportunities you create for these things to take place, and know that when you leave a conversation open, like on a Facebook thread, these things may occur at any time.  I go to great lengths to uphold our sharing policy and to care for the stories and photos here, so that regardless of situation or interpretation, this is a safe place for everyone.  Take some time to learn about social networking and grief, and some of the articles we’ve written and the stories shared here.  You can learn a great deal, if you allow yourself to.

Offer the love you can, and be prepared to refer to others for further support.

Please, utilize stillbirthday – it is what we are here for.

3. “How can a pregnancy/infant loss be respected and treated like the birth that it is?”

This lifts the taboo.  It addresses the issue head-on, while placing the job of creativity on the mothers.  In so doing, it lets them see that loss is tragic, but talking about it isn’t scary.  It helps them to see their peers – those who’ve experienced loss – as mothers.  It helps them to know that no matter what happens, today, tomorrow, or ever, they are in fact, mothers.  It will let them come back to you later, if they ever do experience a loss, and thank you as they remember you being a place that had already spoken of the truth they experienced.

How often should you talk about loss?

If you are a blog writer, cover an article specifically on preganncy & infant loss at least once every six months or so; this will increase the likelihood that any mother will find it during the time that she is pregnant.

If you are a Facebook page owner, cover a discussion on pregnancy and infant loss at least once every three months or so; pages tend to move much more quickly than blogs, and this will also increase the chance that any mother will find it during the time that she is pregnant.

There are many, many subjects “within” pregnancy and infant loss that you can explore, including prevention, support, and healing.

More than anything, simply make yourself available to approach loss every day, any day, for any mother, any time.  Know how to support, through stillbirthday.

For additional information on discussing pregnancy and infant loss, please view our article entitled Poor Prenatal Preparation.

Poor Prenatal Preparation

What is a pregnancy loss?

“Miscarriages are labor, miscarriages are birth.  To consider them less dishonors the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly.”

~Kathryn Miller Ridiman, Midwifery Today 1997

The actual loss that a family experiences when it is called a pregnancy loss, even in the event of a very early miscarriage, may be considered to them to be the life of the anticipated and likely hoped for child.

When you consider that many mothers experiencing even a very early miscarriage consider it to be the death of a child (regardless of kind of miscarriage, and regardless of political views or religious beliefs), it certainly seems much more staggering, sobering, and even dare shall I say important than saying

 “I had a miscarriage.”

After a woman takes a pregnancy test and discovers that she is pregnant – nay, even before this, if she is intentionally trying to conceive – she surrenders herself to the role of mother.

She changes the way she eats, the way she views her world, the way she views herself.

She plans and prepares for her child.

A child, who will reflect her in many ways.  A child who will carry on her husband’s last name.  A child who will bring joy to the family – who will continue the family.

This, and more, is not just lost, but taken, when she has a miscarriage.  It is not by her choice.  And nobody prepares her for it.

After she hears the news that her baby is dead or is going to die, she is thrust into an isolating world where no resources are available.  Her pregnancy books, classes and Facebook pregnancy pages don’t have information for her.  Her doctor is limited in the things he can say.

Nobody talked about it, because nobody wanted to scare her

– but, in the end, nobody prepared her, either.

Instead of information, resources and support, she is given platitudes, speculation, and abandonment.

She enters into a state of grief, likely compounded by postpartum depression, and nobody around her knows how to support her.

To change this, I asked a couple of pregnancy and birth professionals and advocates who have shared about pregnancy loss with their communities of readers to help me in finding ways for more professionals and advocates to open the door to discussing this extremely important topic.

As a pregnancy/birth professional/advocate, I encourage you to take the time to read what these amazing professionals have to say to you about how to approach the subject of loss and why it is so important that you do.

Please, also visit our Tips to Talking About It, so that you can learn how to open up this extremely important dialogue with your readers – the mothers who need this information.

 

I sought out hundreds of professionals and advocates, but only a small handful had replied back that they had ever discussed loss before.  I asked them the following questions:

  • What role do you have in pregnancy/birth information (a little intro)?
  • How did you first broach the subject of pregnancy loss with your readers/community?
  • What made you feel it was important?
  • Was there anything that prevented you from sharing about it sooner?  What was it?
  • Did these fears or concerns present themselves after you did share about the subject?
  • What unexpected problems did you find after you had broached the subject?
  • Did it prove to be beneficial overall to discuss pregnancy/infant loss with your readers/community?
  • Since sharing, have you discovered that there are topics/angles within the subject of pregnancy/infant loss that you feel unable to discuss (perhaps too graphic, related to birth choices involved in the loss, feel too uninformed about, too personal for yourself or possibly readers)?

Donna replied:

“I mainly run the Volusia County Birth Network and teach women and men about how a womans body works.  To open up the subject of loss, I just put it in my bio on my website and put miscarriage info and links on my website.  I shared a lot on my Facebook page and online forums.  I felt it was important to share, becuase I had suffered loss and knew of other women who suffered loss and it seemed to be a subject people didn’t talk about – and I wanted to get it out in the open.  Lack of knowing how and where to share prevented me from discussing the topic sooner, but once I shared, I didn’t find any unexpected problems and there have been no angles or topics within pregnancy loss that I have felt unable to discuss.  It proved beneficial to share, because then I didn’t feel so alone in my loss and grief.”

 Pamela Black replied:

I am a labor and birth doula, and a private birth educator (aspiring to do groups) in Denver.  I began broaching the subject of loss by posting links to my Facebook page (which has a very small audience) and I’ve engaged in conversation with a “few” clients.  I find the subject is a tough one.  Most are very uncomfortable talking about death when they are focused on birth.  One dad recently slammed his hand on the table when I brought it up and said “we need to move on.”  I discovered during their very long +30 hour labor at a hospital that ended in a Cesarean birth that he had a grandmother die due to anesthesia for surgery.  He was totally freaked.   My biggest reason for discussing pregnancy loss is a desire for others to know there are resources and options available if they have the need.  I have found that couching it with “This most likely will not apply to you but you may find yourself one day able to take this information and be able to help a family member, a neighbor or a friend with these resources and encouragement.”  That usually helps them relax.  I also talk about nilmdts in addition to stillbirthday.  A little personal history:  My first exposure to death was my 53 year old grandmother very unexpectedly died and I was devastated – due to family circumstances she was the one person I had bonded with the most as an infant.  Then I had a miscarriage in 1974 and in 1976 had a 17 year old brother killed in a motorcycle accident.  His death devastated my mother’s life and therefore has impacted the rest of the family.   Since then I have had many relatives, friends, co-workers, etc. die.  As far as my own experience with miscarriage I openly grieved the loss in 2005 when through an “honoring life” ceremony I named him, acknowledged the profound impact his life had had on me over the years and received a “Life Certificate” that to this day means a lot to me. All that to say, I feel familiar with death and its seeming finality now escapes me.  Where there was once devastation and confusion I can only find in me peace and assurance that everything is just as it’s supposed to be.  I’ve learned that reality is kinder than my imagination and I know God to be completely in control and deeply caring.  I can only find in me acceptance and a surrender to a bigger picture that I believe will someday be revealed and perfectly understandable.  Till then I don’t need to know why, I trust.   I have been a doula for 4 years and at a birth with fetal demise once.  I sat, I listened, I cried, I hugged, I held her baby, I encouraged, I prayed …  That is all I can do and because of God’s amazing grace I feel honored to have played that small role in her life and in the life of the little one.  I don’t presume it was bigger than or more meaningful than what friends and family or even hospital staff may have done.  I do think that I am doing my part and that is quite enough. I was also honored to be a birth with a couple who had had one miscarriage and one stillborn prior to.  There was a silence when the baby was born and she didn’t cry right away while the doctor was taking a little longer than mom was comfortable with and mom anxiously asked “Is she alive?” and at just that moment she cried and both parents exclaimed (and I cry at the memory) “She’s alive, she’s alive!” They now have three children.

Dr. Pauline Dillard continued:

 “I am the executive director of the Dunamas Center where we do premarital and marriage counseling as well as childbirth education that is Christ centered, heart connecting and marriage focused. I was a birth educator and childbirth assistant for 12 years before going to graduate school in psychology. Currently my counseling work includes working with those who have had traumatic birth experiences and pregnancy loss.  The main place we discuss pregnancy loss is our Choices for a Discerning Childbirth, when we discuss life issues that affect how people approach birth. However, I am currently getting more referrals from birth professionals and other counselors with regard to pregnancy loss and trauma, and will be doing more writing on the topic in the future.  Pregnancy and birth in all forms and outcomes impacts who we are as women, wives and moms. It is a fundamental core part of who we are. I have also, always comfortable being with those in loss and trauma. I began with a particular interest in how pregnancy loss impacts the way couples would approach subsequent pregnancies and birth plans, and I wanted to help them to be confident and open to what God might have for them, and not be caught up in fear and pain when it came to future pregnancies and birth. I never faced any problems to discussing pregnancy loss. Many women are relieved to have someone to talk to who accepts their depth of loss and grief, and helps them walk through their pain and regain their footing.In fact, most of my counseling clients are relieved that I have background in natural birth and can ask them about the birth process (if it was a stillbirth), and affirm their choices, and can discuss pregnancy A & P as it might be related to a pregnancy loss. I am also able to help them with what questions they might want to explore with a care provider in the future, or if they still have questions about what happened that they may not have thought of. I am also quite open about anything they may want to talk about and can ask them hard questions without making them feel judged or put down.  I don’t have any current material on our web site specifically about pregnancy loss, but we will be adding a list of books and web sites that might be helpful. I will also be adding the topic to things I cover in counseling, and how we work with those who have had a pregnancy loss, or infertility issues, when it comes to subsequent pregnancies.”

Ilise noted:

“I run a small blog and a couple of pages and a group on Facebook that are about pregnancy and birth.   I can’t remember when I posted for the first time about pregnancy loss, but it would have been within the last six months.  Many women suffer from the loss of babies during pregnancy and birth and I’ve known friends and family that have, too. I always feel so helpless when wanting to help them, but I know they feel pain that they don’t always share and they don’t always have many places to turn for understanding.I don’t think anything really made me question sharing. Even though I know some pregnant women are hesitant to read about loss while expecting, I still felt it was important to share to give them and others the chance to decide that for themselves.I don’t really think anyone has vocally been upset by my sharing on loss. Someone once said that they wouldn’t read it right then because they were expecting, but they would keep it in mind for later.  Those who have commented, have said that it is helpful and healing to have a place of understanding and information.

Jen (vbacfacts.com) replied:

“I am a mom who manages a website on birth options after a cesarean where I share interesting or hard to find information. When I experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks I wrote about it.  18 months later, I decided to share it via the website. Sometimes people can find comfort knowing that someone else understands their pain.  Knowing friends who had also miscarried was helpful to me.  I decided to share my story publicly so that other women might “know” someone who had experienced it.  And for those that had not experienced miscarriage, for them to understand that women might still be in mourning months later even as they mother their children.  The pain just doesn’t go away when the bleeding stops.  It proved to be beneficial to share.  People don’t often leave comments at my site, but the comments left when I shared about loss were very touching.  I will include just a few that were shared:”

“Thanks for sharing. I’ve had 3 m/c and have 2 live children. It doesn’t get easier, each loss is unique and painful. You’re so right about how others act as if if never happenedmaybe stories like this will start to change that.”

“I have also chronicled my miscarriage experiences at my blog. And I talk very openly about my miscarriages and what my current pregnancy means to me. I try and present it in a way that people won’t really feel sorry for me. I’m pretty open about it with the college students. They need to know that it is likely that they or someone they care about will experience miscarriage.”

“Funny reading this from you this week. I miscarried about a month ago, a close friend miscarried about 2 weeks ago and another dear friend lost her little one this week. Its been quite an emotional rollarcoaster…trying to move through fresh grief and having the scab ripped open over and over again while trying to be a shoulder to cry on for others. Why is it so hard to talk about in our society?  Why is it something we don’t talk about, we’re supposed to just forget it, accept it was fate and that’s all. Thank you for reminding me that I- and many other women- aren’t alone.

Please, also visit our Tips to Talking About It article that serves to work in conjunction with this one, so that you can learn how to open up this extremely important dialogue with your readers – the mothers who need this information.

“…Not as the World Gives”

“We need to get that debris out of there.”

After I gave birth at home to my tiny but perfectly formed miscarried baby, those words still make me recoil.  It didn’t matter how amazing I thought the hospital was or how well they worked with my birth plans for my other children.  After their response to my loss, I was never going back.

{important fact: not everyone’s response to our loss is equal.}

About three months later, when I was about 10 weeks pregnant with my “subsequent/rainbow” pregnancy, I supported a client delivering at New Birth Company, a brand new local birth center.  It was so brand new, in fact, that most of the building was still under construction.  I fell in love immediately anyway – it was exactly what I had envisioned of a birth center.  I worked alongside an amazing midwife, and the lovely birth that the mama had just solidified my desires for me.   Then, after the mama’s birth, the midwife said that she wanted to find my baby’s heartbeat!  What a tremendous surprise and wonderful blessing!  I came home to tell my husband not only how amazing the birth went for the mama, but that I got to hear our baby’s heartbeat!  I told him that I definately wanted to birth there.

{important fact: not all birth centers are created equal.  Neither is every midwife.}

But, they didn’t take my insurance.

So, my children’s pediatrician recommended his friend, an OB.  Both are Christian, and I fully trust (and adore) my pediatrician, so I felt confident in the switch.

The first couple of months of the pregnancy were wrought with complicated feelings, as I explained in Irish Twins.  I really enjoyed the OB, and we discussed many of the feelings associated with subsequent pregnancy after loss, and it was nice to be open about my Christian faith and how it plays a part in my life, my pregnancy, and my healing.

At my 12 week appointment – the same week my miscarried baby died – the nurse couldn’t find a heartbeat.  I looked at my husband and the tears, oh the tears, they just spilled out as I gasped for air.

 Not again, Lord.  Please, please, please, not again.

So, I walked the long hallway, clutching my middle, praying and clinging to hope, as I was led to the ultrasound room.  Paper gown tucked, warm gel applied, and…..

…..swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh…..

…the beautiful sound of a perfect, tiny heart beating!  The ultrasound technician told us we were having a girl, but my husband quickly laughed it off.  I didn’t.  I was so overwhelmed with joy at the site of that beautiful, swishing heartbeat, and in the back of my mind, the thoughts, the wondering, of which gender my baby was, just made it all even more wonderful.

Just around the same time as we celebrated and mourned the due date of our fourth baby (November 2011), we also found out the gender of this one, our fifth baby.  The ultrasound appointment was uneventful which was a tremendous blessing.  Finally, the ultrasound technician printed out the photo that revealed the gender, placed it in an envelope, and handed it to my husband.  Then, we left.

My husband dropped me off at home, where my mother in law was spending time with our crew of kiddos.  He left and headed to the local baby store, where he opened up the envelope to discover the gender.  He laughed later and told me that he read it several times, making sure he didn’t get it wrong.

He selected some gender-specific items along with a green and yellow gift bag.  He came home and placed the bag in front of me…

…I pulled off the yellow tissue paper, and asked my oldest son what color he saw…

…and he exclaimed…

“PINK!!”

I was elated!  I screamed, and my one year old started crying, poor guy.  With three little John Wayne’s in the house, it was the first time we’d ever had pink!

Several weeks later, I submitted my birth plan with one of the OBs.  I am used to advocating for myself and helping my clients do the same, but I wondered how things would go at this particular hospital.

At 36 weeks, I began having prodromal labor.  I never did have sporatic Braxton-Hicks contractions with this pregnancy, but instead had series of contractions for several hours at a time.

I posted a little about this on Facebook.  The midwife from New Birth Company posted a reply,

“I wish you were delivering here with us!”

Oh, how I wished too!  I told her that I would, but that they don’t take my insurance.  She replied, “Yes we do!” and that was it.

I switched providers at 37 weeks.

I had a 37 week appointment with the OBs early in the morning.  I kept the appointment, and ironically, of all days, that was the day that one of them went over my birth plan with me.  She pulled it out of her papers: printed on pretty pastel paper, written in a pretty font, was my plan.  It had my name, my husband’s name, and my daughters name at the top, a scripture in the middle, and a few “wishes” at the bottom.

“And she said, ‘With the help of the Lord I have brought forth a child.'”

Now, however, my birth plan had marks written all over it.  Arrows, question marks, and conversations between doctors littered my few wishes.  The OB began to explain to me that I could have something close to my birth wishes if I were to deliver between 9am and 5pm, but if my labor starts going past 8pm and she has to start waking people up to come support me, she would become more aggressive in moving my labor along.

I have worked with the most high-risk hospitals in my area, and worked with the strictest policies and most rigid medical practices to bring my clients a comfortable blend of safety, interventions when necessary, but also comfort and joyful memories.  I had never encountered such a rigid interpretation of birth wishes before.

I asked if I could have my birth plan back, so that I could revise it.  She told me that I could not have it back.

{important fact: not every hospital is created equal.  Neither is every OB.}

A couple of hours later, I had my first midwife appointment.

She and I agreed that we were not expecting it to be very much longer before my daughter would be born.

I continued to have bouts of prodromal labor.

April 19 came, and I had another midwife appointment – it wasn’t planned this way, but it sure was a blessing.  April 19 was my miscarried son’s first stillbirthday.  In the midst of grief and joy, I was able to be surrounded by people who knew the situation intimately, who were the first to find my daughter’s heartbeat, and who understood the mix of my emotions.  And, I got to hear her heart beating again.  Of all days, it was very encouraging.

…..swoosh, swoosh, swoosh, swoosh….

What a beautiful sound.  After the appointment, I spent time at the cemetary.  It was the right place to be: sitting, crying, chatting, praying.  I needed to be there.  Processing.

April 20, her “due date” came and went.  I was still pregnant.

On the morning of April 24, I woke up to a deep, clear voice that penetrated right down to the center of my soul:

“My peace I give you, not as the world gives.”

The contractions felt pretty regular, but I had had enough prodromal labor that I didn’t keep track of their frequency.  They were definately manageable.  I logged online, and found an issue that I attempted to help resolve, while I supposed the contractions began to increase in intensity.  I held onto the message I received that morning, and just figured that God was speaking comfort to me to let me know that I can give as much as I can to resolving the issue, but that ultimately, it would be Him, in His timing, that would show the answers for anyone who took a little time to look for them.  As the issue only seemed to escalate, I logged offline and remembered that God was speaking peace into my heart.  Ironically, somebody sent me a message just that morning saying that she had a dream the night before that I would be online trying to resolve a conflict while in labor.  And, that’s exactly what happened.

At about 4:30pm my husband pointed out that the contractions hadn’t yet subsided as they had before, and he wanted to call the babysitter.  I wasn’t ready to leave yet, so I procrastinated.  The sitters came at about 5:15, and my husband was very eager to get me out the door.  I stalled, and he started to raise his voice.  I raised mine right back, and he said, “Honey, I’m just excited!  Now, let’s go!”

{important fact: even if you are sure of what is going on in your own labor, you can be wrong.  And, of course, not every husband is created equal, either.  Mine happens to be pretty amazing.}

I called the photographer.

The contractions were 10 minutes apart.

In the car, the next contraction was 9 minutes later.  We drove in the opposite direction of the hospital.  The next contraction was 8 minutes later.  We drove past another hospital.  The next contraction was 7 minutes later.  Then 6.  Someone cut us off in traffic, and my husband said, “Let me know if I need to drive on the shoulder.”  I laughed it off.  Then 5.  We drove past one more hospital – the one where we were told our fourth baby was “debris”. The next contraction was at 4 minutes.  I laughed as I began pulling my pants down a little, as the elastic on the pants band was right where the contractions were at.

We arrived at the birth center.  He walked in first, while I had a contraction on the sidewalk.  I walked in casually, and enjoyed a few pieces of a chocolate bar as the midwife came in.  A pregnant mother was signing in for a birthing class, and I laughed to her and exclaimed,

“We’re having a baby today!”

I look back on that now and realize that the lady probably thought I was totally crazy.  The midwife came in.  She checked me, and said,

“You need to let me know when you have the urge to push.”

Really? I went to our beautiful birthing suite, changed into my gown, while my in-laws got settled in.   I had a pretty strong contraction while changing, and heard the voice again through it,

“My peace I give you, not as the world gives.” 

The contractions were intense, but still manageable.  I knew God was leading my baby girl out to me.  When I came out of the bathroom, I knew this was it and told my husband, “We’re almost done.”  The midwife snapped a picture of me in my gown…

And then,

I asked if someone could dim the lights, I leaned over the bed and whispered,

“I’m pushing.”

And then, quietly and simply, our beautiful daughter was born.

The birth was so fast that the photographer never made it.

The midwife snapped a photo of us together moments after we met our daughter for the first time.  What a blessing that this very first photo turned out to be so unexpectedly pretty!  Later, a sweet friend of mine from Treasure Beans even edited it a little by writing the caption on it.

Then, the staff baked a chocolate cake, we all sang Evelyn “Happy Birthday”, my tiny, sweet daughter and I shared a lovely herbal bath together,

and then, we went home.  Mommy, Daddy, and little Evelyn Mae.

That night, Evelyn listened as I whispered stories to her, telling her all about her brothers – the three that she would meet the next morning, and the one whom she won’t meet until Jesus says it’s time to.

{important fact: pregnancy is the time when we mothers are the most interested and the most vested in our birth preparation.  Whether you are expecting a live birth, preparing for a known stillbirth, there is a difficult diagnosis involved, or you are pregnant with a “subsequent/rainbow” baby, use the time wisely.  You will likely not get every single thing you desire during or for your birth (we had all sorts of special things we had planned on using during the labor but didn’t get to), so it is best to learn now, as much as you can, about what your options are.  If pregnancy automatically equals hospital birth for you, take some time to visit the birth centers and midwives in your area.  It will give you a chance to consider including some special natural options into your birth wishes.  If you are hoping for a home birth, take a maternity tour at your local hospital just so that you will feel familiar with those surroundings.  Even if you don’t utilize their services, when else are you going to get such a chance to ask questions and get information?  Get to know all perspectives and philosophies surrounding birth.  And, regardless of what birth experience this is for you, or where you are planning on delivering, visit with our doulas and consider inviting one in on your plans and experiences.  In the end, it was extremely important for me to pray about my options and lay them all out before the Lord.  I let Him speak into my heart of mixed feelings, of anxiety and hope, about what the best plan was for my baby’s arrival, and it made all the difference.  He gave me peace, and not as the world gives.}

The SBD® Doula provides support to families experiencing birth in any trimester and in any outcome.

Here at stillbirthday.info, you can learn about the SBD® Doula.