Pregnancy and infant loss mothers, stillbirthday wants your feedback.

May is Pregnancy Awareness Month here in the US, and so we here at stillbirthday would like to know, what have been the best – and worst – pregnancy resources that prepared you with loss information prior to your loss (so, while you were pregnant), and/or supported you during or after your loss.  If the resources you utilized while pregnant ever broached the subject of loss, we want to know about it – and how well they measured up!

To clarify: this survey is about the pregnancy resources you’ve ever used – not pregnancy loss resources.  How well did your pregnancy resources inform you about pregnancy loss?

To participate, please let us know about any resource within the following categories:

Pregnancy Books – BEST support

• gave accurate facts, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Books – WORST support

• gave poor statistics and very little information

Pregnancy Blogs – BEST support

• felt connected, author was compassionate, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Blogs – WORST support

• didn’t address loss at all or did so in a confusing and unsupportive way

Pregnancy Facebook Pages/Groups- BEST support

• felt connected, page owner was compassionate, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Facebook Pages/Groups – WORST support

• didn’t address loss at all or did so in a confusing and unsupportive way

Pregnancy Websites – BEST support

• gave accurate facts, linked to support resources

Pregnancy Websites – WORST support

• gave poor statistics and very little information

Pregnancy/Birth Methods – BEST support

• instructor/method gave accurate facts, linked to support resources – do NOT submit the name of your personal instructor, only the name of the birth method/class

Pregnancy/Birth Methods – WORST support

• instructor/method gave poor statistics and very little information – do NOT submit the name of your personal instructor, only the name of the birth method/class

You can submit as many votes as you’d like, for as many categories as you’d like.  Just leave a comment below, making sure you articulate which catories your votes belong to.  At the end of the month, I will fill in the categories so we can see which pregnancy resourses have the best- or the worst – pregnancy and infant loss support!

A full term pregnancy lasts approximately 280 days.

Childbirth, for a first time mother, lasts approximately 24-36 hours.  It lasts even less for subsequent births.

Breastfeeding lasts approximately 3 years per child at the outmost, but studies continue to show that it lasts approximately 6 months to a year per child.

Co-sleeping lasts anywhere from weeks to a handful of years.

These are all topics at the forefront of pregnancy and birth education, in books, classes, and in online discussions.

Pregnancy loss lasts a lifetime.

And it is not talked about.

If you run a pregnancy or birth blog, Facebook page, or class, it is important for you to begin discussing this topic, and to do so wisely.

I understand that you might be afraid.  You might be worried that you don’t have experience on the topic, you don’t know how to start talking about it, and you don’t want to scare pregnant mothers.

I understand.

There is a way to work around these things, and still prepare your readers or your audience.  These mothers deserve to be prepared.

Here are some tips and things you can present:

1. “Now that you are pregnant, what do you say/do for a friend who experiences pregnancy/infant loss?” 

This is the easiest way to introduce the subject.  It takes the fear of loss off of the mother, but lets her find a place to share about something she may have already experienced in her pregnancy: her friend, sister, co-worker or neighbor may have experienced a loss while she was pregnant.  Stillbirthday addresses this important situation, and provides support for the pregnant mother on how to respond to her grieving friend.  Please visit our “Friends/Family” link, and scroll down to the section that gives these mothers this useful information.  Check out Birth Without Fear, both her blog and on Facebook, for her authentic and admirable approach to bereavement.  Read this article from Brio Birth.  They have broached the subject of pregnancy loss from the perspective of “What to do When a Friend Experiences Pregnancy Loss.”

2. “Does anyone feel comfortable sharing about their pregnancy & infant loss experience(s)?”

This uncovers the secret community of heartbroken mothers right within the community you already have established.  It brings you closer to them – it addresses the reality they carry alone.  It brings them closer to each other, and helps them support one another.

Please, be prepared in advance for your readers sharing their stories and/or photos of their babies.  I have endured quite a lot at stillbirthday, with people stealing photos, lying about losses, accusing others of lying about their losses, people saying horrendous things about others’ experiences and their children.  I’ve encountered mothers being blamed for their birth choices, blamed for their expressions of grief, blamed for being unsupported, and blamed for actually using their experiences for good. I’ve encountered segregation between mothers experiencing loss from different perspectives, decisions and processes.  Please, be very mindful of the opportunities you create for these things to take place, and know that when you leave a conversation open, like on a Facebook thread, these things may occur at any time.  I go to great lengths to uphold our sharing policy and to care for the stories and photos here, so that regardless of situation or interpretation, this is a safe place for everyone.  Take some time to learn about social networking and grief, and some of the articles we’ve written and the stories shared here.  You can learn a great deal, if you allow yourself to.

Offer the love you can, and be prepared to refer to others for further support.

Please, utilize stillbirthday – it is what we are here for.

3. “How can a pregnancy/infant loss be respected and treated like the birth that it is?”

This lifts the taboo.  It addresses the issue head-on, while placing the job of creativity on the mothers.  In so doing, it lets them see that loss is tragic, but talking about it isn’t scary.  It helps them to see their peers – those who’ve experienced loss – as mothers.  It helps them to know that no matter what happens, today, tomorrow, or ever, they are in fact, mothers.  It will let them come back to you later, if they ever do experience a loss, and thank you as they remember you being a place that had already spoken of the truth they experienced.

How often should you talk about loss?

If you are a blog writer, cover an article specifically on preganncy & infant loss at least once every six months or so; this will increase the likelihood that any mother will find it during the time that she is pregnant.

If you are a Facebook page owner, cover a discussion on pregnancy and infant loss at least once every three months or so; pages tend to move much more quickly than blogs, and this will also increase the chance that any mother will find it during the time that she is pregnant.

There are many, many subjects “within” pregnancy and infant loss that you can explore, including prevention, support, and healing.

More than anything, simply make yourself available to approach loss every day, any day, for any mother, any time.  Know how to support, through stillbirthday.

For additional information on discussing pregnancy and infant loss, please view our article entitled Poor Prenatal Preparation.

What is a pregnancy loss?

“Miscarriages are labor, miscarriages are birth.  To consider them less dishonors the woman whose womb has held life, however briefly.”

~Kathryn Miller Ridiman, Midwifery Today 1997

The actual loss that a family experiences when it is called a pregnancy loss, even in the event of a very early miscarriage, may be considered to them to be the life of the anticipated and likely hoped for child.

When you consider that many mothers experiencing even a very early miscarriage consider it to be the death of a child (regardless of kind of miscarriage, and regardless of political views or religious beliefs), it certainly seems much more staggering, sobering, and even dare shall I say important than saying

 “I had a miscarriage.”

After a woman takes a pregnancy test and discovers that she is pregnant – nay, even before this, if she is intentionally trying to conceive – she surrenders herself to the role of mother.

She changes the way she eats, the way she views her world, the way she views herself.

She plans and prepares for her child.

A child, who will reflect her in many ways.  A child who will carry on her husband’s last name.  A child who will bring joy to the family – who will continue the family.

This, and more, is not just lost, but taken, when she has a miscarriage.  It is not by her choice.  And nobody prepares her for it.

After she hears the news that her baby is dead or is going to die, she is thrust into an isolating world where no resources are available.  Her pregnancy books, classes and Facebook pregnancy pages don’t have information for her.  Her doctor is limited in the things he can say.

Nobody talked about it, because nobody wanted to scare her –

– but, in the end, nobody prepared her, either.

Instead of information, resources and support, she is given platitudes, speculation, and abandonment.

She enters into a state of grief, likely compounded by postpartum depression, and nobody around her knows how to support her.

To change this, I asked a couple of pregnancy and birth professionals and advocates who have shared about pregnancy loss with their communities of readers to help me in finding ways for more professionals and advocates to open the door to discussing this extremely important topic.

As a pregnancy/birth professional/advocate, I encourage you to take the time to read what these amazing professionals have to say to you about how to approach the subject of loss and why it is so important that you do.

Please, also visit our Tips to Talking About It, so that you can learn how to open up this extremely important dialogue with your readers – the mothers who need this information.

I sought out hundreds of professionals and advocates, but only a small handful had replied back that they had ever discussed loss before.  I asked them the following questions:

• What role do you have in pregnancy/birth information (a little intro)?
• How did you first broach the subject of pregnancy loss with your readers/community?
• What made you feel it was important?
• Was there anything that prevented you from sharing about it sooner?  What was it?
• Did these fears or concerns present themselves after you did share about the subject?
• What unexpected problems did you find after you had broached the subject?
• Did it prove to be beneficial overall to discuss pregnancy/infant loss with your readers/community?
• Since sharing, have you discovered that there are topics/angles within the subject of pregnancy/infant loss that you feel unable to discuss (perhaps too graphic, related to birth choices involved in the loss, feel too uninformed about, too personal for yourself or possibly readers)?

Donna replied:

“I mainly run the Volusia County Birth Network and teach women and men about how a womans body works.  To open up the subject of loss, I just put it in my bio on my website and put miscarriage info and links on my website.  I shared a lot on my Facebook page and online forums.  I felt it was important to share, becuase I had suffered loss and knew of other women who suffered loss and it seemed to be a subject people didn’t talk about – and I wanted to get it out in the open.  Lack of knowing how and where to share prevented me from discussing the topic sooner, but once I shared, I didn’t find any unexpected problems and there have been no angles or topics within pregnancy loss that I have felt unable to discuss.  It proved beneficial to share, because then I didn’t feel so alone in my loss and grief.”

 Pamela Black replied:

I am a labor and birth doula, and a private birth educator (aspiring to do groups) in Denver.  I began broaching the subject of loss by posting links to my Facebook page (which has a very small audience) and I’ve engaged in conversation with a “few” clients.  I find the subject is a tough one.  Most are very uncomfortable talking about death when they are focused on birth.  One dad recently slammed his hand on the table when I brought it up and said “we need to move on.”  I discovered during their very long +30 hour labor at a hospital that ended in a Cesarean birth that he had a grandmother die due to anesthesia for surgery.  He was totally freaked.   My biggest reason for discussing pregnancy loss is a desire for others to know there are resources and options available if they have the need.  I have found that couching it with “This most likely will not apply to you but you may find yourself one day able to take this information and be able to help a family member, a neighbor or a friend with these resources and encouragement.”  That usually helps them relax.  I also talk about nilmdts in addition to stillbirthday.  A little personal history:  My first exposure to death was my 53 year old grandmother very unexpectedly died and I was devastated – due to family circumstances she was the one person I had bonded with the most as an infant.  Then I had a miscarriage in 1974 and in 1976 had a 17 year old brother killed in a motorcycle accident.  His death devastated my mother’s life and therefore has impacted the rest of the family.   Since then I have had many relatives, friends, co-workers, etc. die.  As far as my own experience with miscarriage I openly grieved the loss in 2005 when through an “honoring life” ceremony I named him, acknowledged the profound impact his life had had on me over the years and received a “Life Certificate” that to this day means a lot to me. All that to say, I feel familiar with death and its seeming finality now escapes me.  Where there was once devastation and confusion I can only find in me peace and assurance that everything is just as it’s supposed to be.  I’ve learned that reality is kinder than my imagination and I know God to be completely in control and deeply caring.  I can only find in me acceptance and a surrender to a bigger picture that I believe will someday be revealed and perfectly understandable.  Till then I don’t need to know why, I trust.   I have been a doula for 4 years and at a birth with fetal demise once.  I sat, I listened, I cried, I hugged, I held her baby, I encouraged, I prayed …  That is all I can do and because of God’s amazing grace I feel honored to have played that small role in her life and in the life of the little one.  I don’t presume it was bigger than or more meaningful than what friends and family or even hospital staff may have done.  I do think that I am doing my part and that is quite enough. I was also honored to be a birth with a couple who had had one miscarriage and one stillborn prior to.  There was a silence when the baby was born and she didn’t cry right away while the doctor was taking a little longer than mom was comfortable with and mom anxiously asked “Is she alive?” and at just that moment she cried and both parents exclaimed (and I cry at the memory) “She’s alive, she’s alive!” They now have three children.

Dr. Pauline Dillard continued:

 “I am the executive director of the Dunamas Center where we do premarital and marriage counseling as well as childbirth education that is Christ centered, heart connecting and marriage focused. I was a birth educator and childbirth assistant for 12 years before going to graduate school in psychology. Currently my counseling work includes working with those who have had traumatic birth experiences and pregnancy loss.  The main place we discuss pregnancy loss is our Choices for a Discerning Childbirth, when we discuss life issues that affect how people approach birth. However, I am currently getting more referrals from birth professionals and other counselors with regard to pregnancy loss and trauma, and will be doing more writing on the topic in the future.  Pregnancy and birth in all forms and outcomes impacts who we are as women, wives and moms. It is a fundamental core part of who we are. I have also, always comfortable being with those in loss and trauma. I began with a particular interest in how pregnancy loss impacts the way couples would approach subsequent pregnancies and birth plans, and I wanted to help them to be confident and open to what God might have for them, and not be caught up in fear and pain when it came to future pregnancies and birth. I never faced any problems to discussing pregnancy loss. Many women are relieved to have someone to talk to who accepts their depth of loss and grief, and helps them walk through their pain and regain their footing.In fact, most of my counseling clients are relieved that I have background in natural birth and can ask them about the birth process (if it was a stillbirth), and affirm their choices, and can discuss pregnancy A & P as it might be related to a pregnancy loss. I am also able to help them with what questions they might want to explore with a care provider in the future, or if they still have questions about what happened that they may not have thought of. I am also quite open about anything they may want to talk about and can ask them hard questions without making them feel judged or put down.  I don’t have any current material on our web site specifically about pregnancy loss, but we will be adding a list of books and web sites that might be helpful. I will also be adding the topic to things I cover in counseling, and how we work with those who have had a pregnancy loss, or infertility issues, when it comes to subsequent pregnancies.”

Ilise noted:

“I run a small blog and a couple of pages and a group on Facebook that are about pregnancy and birth.   I can’t remember when I posted for the first time about pregnancy loss, but it would have been within the last six months.  Many women suffer from the loss of babies during pregnancy and birth and I’ve known friends and family that have, too. I always feel so helpless when wanting to help them, but I know they feel pain that they don’t always share and they don’t always have many places to turn for understanding.I don’t think anything really made me question sharing. Even though I know some pregnant women are hesitant to read about loss while expecting, I still felt it was important to share to give them and others the chance to decide that for themselves.I don’t really think anyone has vocally been upset by my sharing on loss. Someone once said that they wouldn’t read it right then because they were expecting, but they would keep it in mind for later.  Those who have commented, have said that it is helpful and healing to have a place of understanding and information.“

Jen (vbacfacts.com) replied:

“I am a mom who manages a website on birth options after a cesarean where I share interesting or hard to find information. When I experienced a miscarriage at 7 weeks I wrote about it.  18 months later, I decided to share it via the website. Sometimes people can find comfort knowing that someone else understands their pain.  Knowing friends who had also miscarried was helpful to me.  I decided to share my story publicly so that other women might “know” someone who had experienced it.  And for those that had not experienced miscarriage, for them to understand that women might still be in mourning months later even as they mother their children.  The pain just doesn’t go away when the bleeding stops.  It proved to be beneficial to share.  People don’t often leave comments at my site, but the comments left when I shared about loss were very touching.  I will include just a few that were shared:”

“Thanks for sharing. I’ve had 3 m/c and have 2 live children. It doesn’t get easier, each loss is unique and painful. You’re so right about how others act as if if never happened…maybe stories like this will start to change that.”

“I have also chronicled my miscarriage experiences at my blog. And I talk very openly about my miscarriages and what my current pregnancy means to me. I try and present it in a way that people won’t really feel sorry for me. I’m pretty open about it with the college students. They need to know that it is likely that they or someone they care about will experience miscarriage.”

“Funny reading this from you this week. I miscarried about a month ago, a close friend miscarried about 2 weeks ago and another dear friend lost her little one this week. Its been quite an emotional rollarcoaster…trying to move through fresh grief and having the scab ripped open over and over again while trying to be a shoulder to cry on for others. Why is it so hard to talk about in our society?  Why is it something we don’t talk about, we’re supposed to just forget it, accept it was fate and that’s all. Thank you for reminding me that I- and many other women- aren’t alone.“

Please, also visit our Tips to Talking About It article that serves to work in conjunction with this one, so that you can learn how to open up this extremely important dialogue with your readers – the mothers who need this information.

I recently read an extremely biased and negative article regarding public grieving.  In this article, the author made it clear that her view is that all public grieving is disturbing.  Because I do not want to promote this distasteful, uneducated article, I won’t be linking to it here, but I’ll tell you that she included the following examples as being disturbing:

• Jay-Z wrote a song about miscarriage and embracing his live daughter after the miscarriage experience.
• The Duggar family shared photos of their miscarried baby with their loved ones.
• Loss mothers grieve on Facebook.

The question isn’t just if we loss mothers can go too far with our online grieving, but what is it about public grieving that is uncomfortable for those around us?

Take it from Babies

When a baby is hungry, is scared, has a dirty diaper, is bored, is cold or is hot, the baby cries.  The baby will cry until his needs are met – and these are all needs, even if some of them may seem subjective.

If the mother does not respond to the baby, the baby will continue to cry.  In addition to the original need, now the baby senses danger.  The baby becomes scared that his mother is not responding.  The brain fills with neuron killing cortisol, the baby’s basic trust in his environment is undermined, and the baby is thrust into a fight-or-flight response.  This stress potentially causes a lifetime of heightened stress reactions to even everyday situations, and a lifetime inability to control anxiety.  Additionally, the mother’s role of loving and protecting becomes endangered; if the mother ignores her baby’s crying, she is more likely to ignore his more subtle cues of pain and distress.

The baby will eventually quiet – not because he is satisfied or well, but because he is processing this compounded stress, and trying to assimilate his unsafe world.

The fact is that caregivers who  habitually respond to the needs of the baby before the baby gets  distressed, preventing crying, are more likely to have children who are  independent than the opposite (e.g., Stein & Newcomb, 1994).  In short, ignoring a baby’s needs causes the baby psychological damage – and not just in the privacy of his crib, but everywhere, every day.

When loss mothers are ignored, when we cry and nobody responds to us, when they slam the door and tell us that we are inconveniencing them, our grief becomes compounded by the feeling of abandonment.  The original need we had – to mourn our children – is joined by the unmet need of validation, love, and respect – and we respond to this intensified stressful situation much the same as babies with unmet needs do – it carries into our everyday lives, and doesn’t stay hidden within the walls of our home.  Ignoring grieving mothers until they feel they are unsafe to talk about it has been our approach for far too long.  Now that we are finally beginning to provide the needed care that mothers deserve, we should not revert back to ignoring and shoving grieving mothers into silence.

It’s Not a Prank

Mothers have no control over the appearance of their miscarried or stillborn babies.  Changes to the physical form of the baby take place immediately and rapidly once the baby dies.  Some babies have skin peeling, they have discoloration, they frankly have an appearance that might not be found on a Gerber jar.  When mothers share these photos, they are in no way attempting to gross you out or disturb you, nor or they pretending not to notice what their children might look like to you.  They are seeing past these physical changes into the reality that this is their child.  They are asking you to reach into your heart and ask yourself what it would be like to live the rest of your life knowing that your child is dead.  They are asking you to see that this child mattered, and matters, and is a real part, a missing part, of their everyday family.

Before you tell a loss mother that the way she is grieving is disturbing you, consider asking yourself if the reason it is disturbing is something not on her part, but on yours.  Are you empathetic by nature?  Do you value children by nature?  Do you have children?  Have you ever lost a child?  Have you ever imagined what your life would be like if one of your children died – regardless of how old they may be?  Have you experienced the death of a close family member before?  How did you work through it?  When was the last time a friend called you or sought you out to help them in their time of pain?  Take note if you find it difficult to remember a time in which this has happened, and if you do remember, take time to reflect on the compassion and empathy you provided to them.  When was the last time you needed empathy?  Did you receive it, or not?  How did that feel?

If you cannot respond politely, than politely do not respond.

With all of that said, there are respectful ways to share our grief publicly, and us loss moms would do well to remember:

Don’t Play Red Rover

Anger can be a natural part of our grieving process.  Sometimes, anger toward the care provider may seem warranted.  If your provider was a doctor, and you feel that the care you were given was poor, it can be tempting to search out midwives or those who believe in less medical involvement around pregnancy.  These unsuspecting midwives will encourage natural methods in pregnancy in general – but likely do not know what your heart is carrying and that the care you need is much deeper than distancing yourself from medical support.  Likewise, if your provider was a midwife, it can be tempting to search out doctors or other medical professionals who believe in more medical involvement around pregnancy.  These unsuspecting doctors will encourage more medical methods in pregnancy in general – but likely do not know what your heart is carrying and that the care you need is much deeper than distancing yourself from less medical support.

I encourage you – if you are upset with your provider at all, please do not petition other providers of different perspectives to elicit their complaints about the care you received during your loss.  This is not as healing as you think it might be, and can end up confusing you and even leaving you feeling used by the very people you sought to help you.

If you are a professional in pregnancy (midwife or doctor) who has been approached by a loss mom eliciting complaints about the experience she endured, please refer her to grief support services.  Later, after she has worked through her grief, she would be in a better place to decide whether pursuing more information around her birth experience would be beneficial to her.

Remember Your Wedding

Consider your wedding.  You may have had a professional photographer, and you may have shared many of your wedding photos with others.  You may have shared a great deal about your wedding day – but, the wedding night, was reserved for just you and your husband.  You may have posted a photo of the wedding dress on the internet, but you didn’t post a photo of your nightgown, as beautiful as it was, because it was just for your man to see.  The same is true with our children, whether they are alive or not.  There should be some parts of their lives that we are willing to keep private, as special little moments or memories just within the family.  We can still speak to the very real life and the very real death of our child without intentionally exposing others to things they might feel overwhelmed with.  Let others know ahead of time that you are going to share a particularly shocking photo, for example, and surround yourself with people who will speak lovingly and empathetically to your broken heart; these are people who can also help give positive and helpful information to anyone who may respond negatively or hurtfully to you.

Most importantly, put yourself in a safe place before you share. 

Get into a Safe Place

There are many places designated as safe for sharing about our losses.  Online groups, local groups within your community, and stillbirthday are all safe places to share.  Here, we can hold your precious photos and your most intimate words.  Comments are moderated and nobody is allowed to leave a mean or hurtful remark.  Content cannot be duplicated by others, and people come here knowing what to expect to see.  Public grieving can get real tricky real fast.

Protect yourself by not exposing your heart to others who may not be prepared to provide you with the love and respect you deserve.

As a new loss mom, I faced many opinions from others, about what my loss meant, how I could have prevented it, how I couldn’t have prevented it, and how I should respond to the situation.  You can read about some of those first reactions in Come on Home.

After sifting the loving comments from the negative ones, separating the positive expressions from the hurtful ones, clinging to the beautiful sentiments and releasing the harmful ones, reaching out to compassionate loved ones and explaining truth to the ones who inflicted hurt (intentionally or not), I began preparing for the reality of stillbirthday.

Since stillbirthday launched six months ago, I have been presented with several different circumstances and issues.  I handled each one prayerfully and carefully, but silently.  I did not draw attention to any of these issues, because I didn’t want loss moms to suffer having to learn what I was enduring, and because I didn’t want my loved ones to worry and to try to persuade me, for my benefit, to shut stillbirthday down.  Staying silent out of calculation but also out of these concerns, I endured these attacks without involving anyone else:

• people wanting me to explain elective abortion as if it were the same exact thing as pregnancy loss.  The two are not the same, and neither the pregnancy loss mother nor the electively aborting mother (for any reason) deserve to have their experiences considered to be exactly the same.
• people wanting me to remove any aspect of my Christian faith from stillbirthday.  Stillbirthday is accessible for every loss mother – the point of stillbirthday is so that every loss mother can receive the support she needs.  However, I am Christian.  It would be impossible for me to remove my Christian faith from stillbirthday.  It is founded on it.
• people willing to list their services at stillbirthday, in one capacity or another, for the sole purpose of using stillbirthday as an advertising front – meaning, that they planned on creating an ultimatum for the loss mother, making her purchase their product or service in order to receive the care that she deserves and intends to get through stillbirthday.  These people, as their intentions are discovered, are removed from stillbirthday.
• people stealing the name of stillbirthday, and people stealing my work.  There is a copyright agreement at the bottom of the blog.  It has been up since the beginning of stillbirthday.  All information is freely accessible to any loss mother.  To steal one piece of my work and claim it as your own takes the loss mom away from the possiblity of receiving additional support through stillbirthday.  Don’t lead her away from the support you don’t even know she may need or want.  Link back to stillbirthday.  It’s that simple.
• peple trying to discredit the value of stillbirthday, through publicly sharing mixed up messages from old arguments had with any of the people listed at stillbirthday.  There are over 250 representatives of stillbirthday, from the doulas and mentors to the prayer team, the coordinators of our Love Cupboards and the people who’ve committed to spreading the word about it.  We all – every one of us – has a past, and I’d bet we each have a past that we wouldn’t want rubbed back in our faces when we are moving forward to do good.  Accountability is important, when it is applicable, but so is forgiveness, when it is applicable.
• people saying that the emphasis of stillbirthday – and any other pregnancy loss support program, organization, group or resource – is on death, dying, the past, and not moving forward.  That the very fact that stillbirthday exists speaks to my own inability to move past my loss, and that those who move on silently in their grief, move on better.  This is a misconception, seated squarely in discomfort.  This discomfort speaks to the way society perceives pregnancy loss.  It is not a religious or a political opinion – it is a familial, a personal, a maternal truth: the life of our children matter, regardless of the duration of their life.  I serve to speak for the life of my child, and I speak this truth into the hearts of mothers both before and after they experience loss, so that they too can trust that honoring their children is not about lingering on death, but on recognizing the reality of death, and about savoring the reality of life.

Loss moms, isn’t losing our children enough?  Why do we have to face hurtful comments from our loved ones, or from others?  Why do we have to teach them how to speak to us, how to treat us, how to care for us?  During such an excruciating time, why are we the ones who are stretched to offer grace to those who, intentionally or unintentionally, break our hearts even further?

And, even after all that we sift through personally, isn’t it enough to say that we want to do something that speaks life into mourning?  When I put stillbirthday together, shouldn’t that have been the end of the offense?

Loss parents, when we brush ourselves off and determine to do something productive with our heartbreak, why do we have to endure even more struggle, hardship, hurt, and heartbreak?

Are our well-meaning loved ones right?  Should we close up shop and silently move on?

Or, is there something else God may want us to learn through it all?

I propose that it is because we are doing something extremely valuable, not only for our fellow brothers and sisters of loss, but for the eternal kingdom, that we are so repeatedly tested, stretched, crushed and broken.

In Matthew 10:7, Jesus instructs us to go out and proclaim that heaven is near, and in the verse that follows, He reveals the amazing power we have, through Him, to do this.  This power includes addressing people who once felt isolated and abandoned, and letting them know that they are not alone.  This power includes speaking love and life into those so broken hearted and weary that they are spiritually dead inside.  This power includes speaking truth to those who do not know it.  This power includes casting out demons.

The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!”  (Luke 10:17)

So, what are demons?

Demons are spiritual forces serving to prevent us from speaking the truth of God and fulfilling His purposes.

Paul tells us:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Paul continues, and I ask that you, fellow loss parents, consider this my request to you as well:

Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.  (Ephesians 6:10-20)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38)

The truth that I have learned through my pregnancy loss is that my baby is with God – and, God is with me.  Therefore, as I speak to the validity and the reality of my baby, and the validity and the reality of God, I know I am not alone:

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Clicking the image will take you to its web source.

I have long believed that there is spiritual warfare in pregnancy.  Satan cannot create life, and so why wouldn’t he be jealous of pregnancy?  It just seems to make sense.  He reveals this jealousy by making pregnancy competitive, making mothers feel superior to other women, to other mothers, and even to their husbands, making pregnancy about the woman’s achievement instead of a gift, making birth itself something to fear, making birth itself competitive, obscuring information, using the hearts of selfish people to spread dangerous and biased information to unsuspecting or gullible mothers, working in the hearts of leaders to create medical, legal and religious differences in terminology, perception and value of life in the womb, and, after the birth, feeding like mold off of the tensions, sleep deprivation and hormonal changes in the new mother, causing anger, bitterness, pride, envy, and divisiveness between friends and relationships.

I never would have thought that the same would be true for pregnancy loss.  Isn’t grief enough?

For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places. – Ephesians 6:12 KJV

The fact that there is so much confusion and disarray in pregnancy loss confirms one extremely important fact to me: satan is attempting – struggling – to win.  The fact that there is even any sense of conflict whatsoever tells me that he didn’t win.  No, he did not have one ounce of control over when my baby died.  God, and God alone, permitted my baby to die.  And he did not have one ounce of control over where my baby went.   God, and God alone, carried my baby Home.  If satan had control over any part of this, he wouldn’t care about whatever else he could disturb, break or destroy in the aftermath.  No, instead, satan uses pregnancy loss as a prime time to orchestrate disharmony.  Why?  Because of the incredible threat it is to him when families experience the deaths of their children but still love the God who permits it.  If you are not sure if satan really lost or not, just consider a few of these verses: 2 Chron. 20:6; Job 41:10; 42:2; Jer. 32:17; Luke 10:17-18; Rev. 20:1-3; Rev. 20:7-9.

So, what wrestling do we do?  What does it look like?  And how can we prepare for it?

Here are just some of the attempts satan uses through pregnancy loss:

• Distance the mother from other pregnant mothers.
• Distance the mother from recognizing the value of her baby.
• Distance the mother from friends, family and loved ones.
• Distance the mother from other mothers who’ve experienced loss.
• Distance the mother from her spouse.
• Distance the mother from herself.
• Distance the mother from God.

Let’s take a closer look at each of these attempts:

Distance the mother from other pregnant mothers.  The stories of countless mothers reveal this: as soon as a pregnancy loss is confirmed, she doesn’t feel welcome.  She feels like a foreigner in the obstetrician’s office, she feels like she doesn’t belong in pregnant circles or groups, she feels foolish for having anything related to pregnancy in her home.  She feels envious toward other pregnant mothers, and other pregnant mothers feel uncomfortable toward her and feel as though they should distance themselves and their pregnancy from their friend.  The cunning of this is that satan takes what is genuinely a good thing – friends wanting to minimize unnecessary pain for a hurting friend – into something destructive and dividing.  To conquer this attempt, we need to raise awareness of what friends should do for a mother experiencing pregnancy loss.

Distance the mother from recognizing the value of her baby.  Political, medical and religious differences in terminology of life in the womb serve to confuse mothers and challenge aspects of themselves they never would have thought impacted by the loss of their child by pregnancy loss.  Those who support the freedom of elective abortion feel torn between their general principles and their personal experience of loss.  These mothers might worry that they may seem hypocritical.  Those who do not support the freedom of elective abortion can seem too pushy or unapproachable to the hurting mother who doesn’t share those same beliefs.  Those who believe in the reality of life and personhood from conception may worry that they may seem overly dramatic.  These societal pressures serve to thwart open communication about pregnancy loss.  Additional aspects that impact this attempt by satan include any feelings of less than enthusiasm about the pregnancy to begin with or any fears or concerns the mother had about childbearing.  To conquer this attempt, we need to allow mothers to learn about their pregnancy loss experience in compassionate but accurate terms, and allow the mother to view images of babies from every week of pregnancy so she can determine how she bonds, relates, or feels about her baby for herself.

Distance the mother from friends, family and loved ones.  Mothers face this obstacle in a number of ways.  The role of pregnancy in her family, in her culture, and in her religion impact how she interprets her pregnancy and her loss, and how others around her interpret her pregnancy and her loss.  Because of the lack of open dialogue as a society about pregnancy loss, our loved ones, who are just as uninformed and ill prepared to handle pregnancy loss as we are, are forced to resort to platitudes – expressions that are intended to bring comfort and love but instead often strike with judgement, unsolicited advice, and avoidable offense.  These words can fill the mother’s heart with a sense of isolation as she realizes how different her interpretation of her loss is from those around her, and resentment and anger as she sees how quickly others attempt to fill her with their interpretations of what she is experiencing.  To conquer this attempt, we need to have information for family and friends about pregnancy loss so that they can respond appropriately.

Distance the mother from other mothers who’ve experienced loss.  One would think that two survivors of the same kind of hurt would automatically have a deeper understanding of what the other is going through simply because they have both endured it, and that because of this deeper understanding, communication between the two of them would be clearer than communication with others who have not experienced the same kind of hurt.  This is not always the case.  Grief is not a linear process, but is one that is continually reevaluated throughout an entire lifetime.  Whatever aspect of grief a mother is in, is often the lens she uses  to perceive the rest of the world, and the language she speaks when communicating to the rest of the world.   If one mother, for example, is experiencing the blame aspect of grief, and encounters another mother who is experiencing the denial aspect of grief, the two can frustrate and hurt each other with misunderstanding.  One person’s perception of their loss and their place in grief can serve to belittle, shame, challenge or attack the other’s.  It can be a lifelong challenge to learn how to communicate with others who also grieve, but it can be extremely rewarding for those who persevere and work at it.  To conquer this attack, we need to intentionally participate in individual, partner, and group relationships with other loss mothers, in environments that facilitate positive expression and that are familiar with the different aspects, lenses, and languages of grief. 

Distance the mother from her spouse.  Because pregnancy is under spiritual attack, great work has already been done to distance fathers from the gestation experience as a whole.  Pregnancy is already considered a womanly experience, instead of a parental experience that includes the husband too, so steps have already likely been put in place during the pregnancy – regardless of its duration – to divide the mother from her spouse.  Additionally, pregnancy loss is something that parents are totally ill prepared for – even if they’ve had losses before.  Each parent becomes so consumed in their own reaction, that it becomes nearly impossible to extend grace to the one who we likely depend the most on.  Our spouses words, behavior and reactions can quickly and easily become the source of our greatest disappointments and deepest offenses.  Miscommunication and different grieving styles and patterns can exhaust efforts to communicate and can break apart relationships.  To conquer this attempt,  we need to intentionally learn about our own grief, the grief of our partner, the ways they are different, the ways they are similar, and the ways for them to work together.

Distance the mother from herself.  Our pregnancy loss can serve to challenge everything we thought about the simplicity and certainty of our lifelong dreams of marriage and parenting.  Aspects of grief can magnify from sadness to guilt to condemnation, or from disappointment to blame to violence.  Pregnancy loss alters a woman, in a way that will not be undone in this lifetime.  This alteration, if not cared for, supervised, and shaped with love, also has the capacity to destroy her, to fuel the deepest, darkest aspects of humanity within her.  It can manifest into the most hollow depression, the most volatile rage, and can tempt a mother to intentionally take a life – her own, or someone else’s.  To conquer this attempt, we need to value the significance and worth of ourselves, our pregnancy loss experiences, learn the stories of others, see that others have struggled through what we are also struggling through, and we need to take our feelings and temptations seriously and seek immediate counsel to work through them.

Distance the mother from God.  Of course it wouldn’t be true spiritual warfare if satan’s attempts didn’t serve to divide us from God.  Pregnancy is often experienced as an extremely spiritual time, even by those who do not believe in God.  It is a time of feeling the wonder and sensing the magic of creation.  Pregnancy is a gift.  Pregnancy is a promise – but unfortunately it is a promise that is terribly misunderstood and filled instead with expectation and naivety, even among the strongest Christians.  Pregnancy loss can feel like rejection, and can fill the mother with complicated feelings like shame, embarassment, foolishness, and resentment.  It can cause a mother to distrust God.  It can cause a mother to take her anger out on God.  It can cause a mother to reject God.  This stronghold that satan wishes to have on the grieving mother is especially unique in that it can single-handedly impact every other attempt he uses to strike against her.  It is for this reason that the spiritual health of the grieving mother must become a priority in care.  To conquer this attempt, we need to intentionally seek God through our loss, to speak to us regarding every aspect, every situation, every part of our experience, and we need to share His truths with other grieving mothers.

“Get away from me, Satan! You are a dangerous trap to me. You are seeing things merely from a human point of view, not from God’s.” – Matthew 16:23

Stillbirthday’s primary purpose continues to be to provide support to families experiencing or facing pregnancy loss of any kind, including miscarriage, stillbirth, and fatal fetal diagnosis.  While you are here, I’d love for you to take a look around at the website to see the enormous amount of support resources and information we offer.

One aspect of care is to provide birth plans for every kind of loss, including planned homebirth.  I am a doula and a loss mom, and both roles serve to support as natural and as personal an experience during birth, including miscarriage and stillbirth, as possible, given all circumstances.  If you have experience in providing planned homebirth support in known stillbirth experiences, and would like your name listed at stillbirthday for families to contact you, please leave a reply below with your name, website and any contact information you would like shared, and it will be published on our home stillbirth article.

Additionally, I would like your input on another area regarding stillbirth: planned homebirths which result in unintended stillbirths.  Because this demographic remains so very small, support and information for mothers and midwives after these outcomes is extremely limited, and an understanding of the complex grief that both midwives and mothers endure after these experiences is also extremely limited and misunderstood.

Stillbirthday serves as a safe place for mothers to express their feelings and share their stories, and it is our hope to prevent escalated situations of blame or denial throughout the internet by having one designated place where these situations can be shared safely, without having to feel defensive, without having to resort to sharing half truths or false information, and without having to feel condemned for publicly working through different aspects of grief (our virtual grief article explains this a little further).  Please read our submission information article to learn about a few of the ways stillbirthday provides a safe place to work through feelings and share experiences.

If you ever do experience an unintended stillbirth in your professional career, please consider referring your client to stillbirthday, not only for the vast amount of resources and information we provide, but for a safe place where stories are shared, heard, and the important but sometimes negative aspects of grief are not compounded or magnified as they can be by sharing stories most anywhere else on the internet.

With planned homebirth on the rise, it is best that all homebirth midwives have a plan for all outcomes and situations, for themselves but also for their clients.

Information for planned homebirth for known stillbirth, and unexpected stillbirths at home, can be found here, in our home stillbirth article.

Additionally, if you have any other ideas and ways to improve grief outcomes in the unique situation of planned homebirths which result in stillbirth, please leave a reply in the comment section below.  There are many factors that are involved in these unique situations, that are only just now being looked at by psychological professionals, but in the meantime, any ideas we all have that can serve for good should be considered.  Please offer your ideas and thoughts regarding these matters.

Consider this study by SANDS.