Cultural Grief

Health care providers must be ever mindful of that well-known Biblical saying, “to everything there is a season, a time to be born and a time to die.” Grief and bereavement are normal emotions that are very personal and are accompanied by pain and hopelessness in patients across cultures. Because the ways in which people express their feelings of grief, sadness and loss are highly individual, care of the grieving patient in any health care setting must be considered and implemented in a way that is sensitive to the unique needs of each patient.

The dictionary definition of grief is “pain of the mind produced by loss or misfortune.” Whether experienced as a result of the death of a loved one, a divorce, the end of a relationship or some other traumatic life change, grief is an occurrence that transcends such categories as age and gender. It is a multifaceted, individualized and personalized trial.1

Bereavement is defined as the experience of being deprived of something meaningful and valued, such as the loss of a loved one by death. This emotion is often shared between family members and can be a group experience.

As the racial, ethnic and cultural diversity of the U.S. population continues to increase, there is an ever-growing need for the health care profession to become culturally competent in all aspects of care delivery–and this includes the care we provide to grieving patients and their families. A recently published article on cultural diversity and grief states that the need for culturally sensitive grief/bereavement educators and counselors is on the rise and that health care providers must continue to expand their knowledge of the many ways that people grieve.2

Cultural Expressions of Grief

In recent years, a growing body of knowledge about the relationship between culture, grief and bereavement has emerged from the literature. A 1996 study of individuals from specific cultures revealed that people’s intrapersonal experiences of grief are similar across cultural boundaries.3 However, other research has made it clear that cultural traditions, beliefs and values do make a difference in how people outwardly express their grief and how they try to cope with it. To provide culturally sensitive care, health care professionals must possess an understanding of cultural practices and how they impact the overall grief experience of the patient.

Bereavement takes place within the context of families and communities and is played out through social interaction. Specific bereavement practices vary depending on the cultural background of the patient. For example, failure to follow through with certain traditional practices or rituals after the death of a patient can have a devastating impact on the family of the deceased and can result in an experience of unresolved loss and lack of closure. If nurses are unaware of or insensitive to these cultural needs, the family may view the care provided in a negative way.

The American Nurses Association’s position statement on cultural diversity in nursing practice notes that “cultural diversity refers to the differences between people based on a shared ideology and valued set of beliefs, norms, customs and meanings evidenced in a way of life.”4 Studies have shown that when practitioners and patients come from two distinct cultures with different, perhaps even conflicting beliefs, there is strong potential for “misrepresentation and poor communication by all participants.”

The literature also indicates that “culture counts” in the care of individuals experiencing mental health problems.5 Recent research has shown that bereavement may trigger a unique and previously unrecognized psychological disorder that can disrupt people’s lives for at least two years after a significant loss. This disorder, known as complicated grief, is characterized by a persistent longing for a deceased person, and it can often occur without signs of depression. The symptoms of complicated grief, while appearing to be normal reactions to the loss of a loved one, are significantly associated with later impairments in global psychological functioning, such as problems with mood, sleep and self-esteem.

Black and Hispanic Perspectives on Grief

When discussing the cultural beliefs and practices of a specific ethnic minority population, it is always important to avoid blanket generalizations. Assuming that all individual members of a certain culture think, believe and behave exactly alike can result in stereotyping and an insensitive, “cookie cutter” approach to patient care. Nevertheless, a review of the literature does reveal some examples of culturally specific perspectives on grief and bereavement that nurses need to be aware of.

Studies have shown that in the African American community, religion and family play an integral role in the grief recovery process.6 Many African Americans strongly believe that life exists after death. When caring for a grieving African American patient, the nurse should be equipped with knowledge of that culture. For example, nurses need to understand that it is common for these patients to rely on their inner resources, such as spirituality and belief in God, as well as lessons learned from past experiences, and use them as coping mechanisms to help them deal with grief and bereavement or any other life-changing crisis. As the case study on PAGE TK illustrates, some African American patients who are experiencing grief may initially appear stoic and unaffected by their loss but will eventually begin to express their feelings if they have the opportunity to interact with someone who shares or is sensitive to their culture. When there is a cultural bond between practitioner and patient, trust comes with that bond. In addition, some African Americans, particularly among the older generation, may distrust the majority culture and its health care system. For all these reasons, grieving African American patients may find it easier to communicate with African American health care providers during this difficult time in their life.

Hispanics in the United States represent a wide variety of cultures. They may originate from many different culturally diverse countries, such as Mexico, Cuba, the Dominican Republic, Nicaragua, Colombia, El Salvador, Guatemala, Chile, Brazil, Argentina and Peru, as well as the U.S. Commonwealth of Puerto Rico. Their cultural differences are distinguishable and the people are proud of their unique heritages. Because there is essentially no single “Hispanic culture,” cultural practices related to grief and bereavement can vary.

When working with bereaved Hispanic patients and their families, nurses must understand the concept of respeto (rules guiding social relationships–literally, “respect”). In many Hispanic cultures, the entire family is involved in making important life decisions, and there is a strict family hierarchy that must be honored. Traditionally, status is usually ordered from the older to the younger family members, and from males to females.7

Studies have also shown that many Hispanics expect their health care providers to be warm and caring and to interact with them in such a manner. They are more likely to put their trust in their individual practitioner rather than the hospital or other health care facility. In many cases, the family of a deceased Hispanic patient may depend on the primary care provider to be present, provide information, offer condolences and find out what will be helpful to them.

In some Hispanic cultures, crying is viewed as a healthy emotional response to a loss. Crying openly is seen as helpful. Family and friends will often encourage patients to outwardly express their grief.7 The nurse’s plan of care should include giving the patient extra attention and spending some one-on-one time with him or her.

Many Hispanics embrace religion and spirituality, as well as a belief in the spiritual and psychological continuity between the living and the dead. As part of that spirituality, the family may continue a relationship with the deceased person after death through prayer and visits to the gravesite.7

Strategies in the Clinical Care of Cultural Grief

As part of the process of delivering culturally sensitive health care, nurses must become adept at assessing cultural expressions of grief and using this knowledge to develop culturally appropriate care plans for bereaved patients of color. In doing so, however, we must keep in mind that attempting to eliminate a patient’s emotional pain can actually impede the grieving process. Pain is a normal and inevitable part of grief.

Early assessment and intervention is key. Grief and bereavement education and counseling are an important part of assisting patients in achieving grief resolution. The nurse should assure the patient that his or her reactions to this experience are not unusual. They should also educate patients about normal grief versus complicated grief.

In some hospitals, the nursing staff have created “memorial books” in which they record their memories of deceased patients and comment on past relationships with them. This allows grieving patients to see nurses as caring human beings and to realize that they are not alone–their care provider has “been there” too. In the case study example, Dana could have used her memorial book to share some of her own experiences of grief and loss with Mrs. Gray, and this grieving patient could have witnessed caring and compassion in action.

Attentive listening, compassionate eye contact and stillness can also help convey acceptance of someone’s grief. Through active listening, a nurse can encourage the bereaved patient to identify and express his or her emotions. Avoid telling the patient that you know how they feel and what they are going through. Instead, use open-ended statements such as, “I see that you are in distress right now; can you tell me what you are feeling?” Focusing the discussion on the patient, rather than the nurse, will help the patient feel less pressured or threatened.

Emerging research suggests that the dead may be important role models for the grieving and may still play the role of significant others to the bereaved. People continue to relate to their dead as active and living memories at times of personal crisis and success.8 Other recent studies suggest that the general experience of grief can enhance personal empathy and social compassion. For nurses, these previously unexplored perspectives present new and intriguing challenges for future research and practice.

Case Study: Providing Culturally and Linguistically Competent Care to the Hospitalized Grieving Patient

The following fictionalized case study example illustrates why it is so important for nurses to be knowledgeable about cultural practices relating to grief and bereavement, and to be familiar with grief symptomatology, in order to provide culturally sensitive care.

Dana is a 23-year-old Caucasian RN who has three years of nursing experience. She works, along with three other nurses, on a 40-bed medical/surgical unit in a hospital located in a large metropolitan area. As she begins her shift this evening, the unit is almost filled to capacity. There are two empty beds and Dana receives the last two admissions.

The first patient, Mrs. Gray, is a 42-year-old African American woman who is being admitted for post-emergency exploratory laparotomy for severe gastrointestinal and localized right upper quadrant pain. The patient was reported to have recently experienced the loss of her husband of 20 years in a motor vehicle accident in which she was the driver.

After receiving report, Dana goes in to admit Mrs. Gray and finds her with a flat affect. The patient does not respond to any of her questions. Dana is pressed for time and is not making any progress in communicating with the patient. She does not understand why this patient is not being a little more cooperative. After all, how can she be taken care of if she will not answer questions or talk to her nurse?  Dana has not considered the patient’s culture and how culture relates to grief, as well as the symptoms of grief and the patient’s traumatic recent loss.

The second patient, Mrs. Lopez, a 22-year-old Latina, arrived on the floor ten minutes after Mrs. Gray’s arrival. Mrs. Lopez is being admitted for an abdominal abscess after a primary cesarean delivery five days ago. Her condition was compounded by neonatal loss three hours after delivery. Wound cultures indicated methicillin-resistant staphylococcus aureus as the cause of the abscess. The patient’s psychosocial history reveals that she recently separated from her husband after finding him with another woman.

Mrs. Lopez speaks very little English and understands a minimal amount. Her mother and sister, who are also non-English-speaking, accompanied her to the floor. On this particular evening, the hospital’s Spanish-language interpreter had to leave early because of a family emergency and the next interpreter will not be on duty for another four hours.

When Dana enters the room to assess the patient, Mrs. Lopez is silently weeping with the covers pulled up to her neck and her face turned toward the wall. Again pushed for time, Dana greets the patient and proceeds to ask questions about her admission. The patient looks to her mother and sister. She continues to cry openly. Her family members try to console Mrs. Lopez and answer the nurse’s questions, but it is clear that they do not understand what Dana is saying. She tries using hand gestures but that does not seem to help either.

Dana quickly realizes that she is in over her head. She has now admitted two ethnic minority patients who have grief-related psychosocial problems as well as physiological problems, and so far she has failed to communicate with either of them. She is aware of the stages of grief and bereavement but not as they relate to different cultures. She thinks back to her time in nursing school and realizes that while cultural diversity was touched on briefly in some classes, it did not prepare her for situations like this. What’s more, the topic of grief and bereavement care of the hospitalized patient was discussed in class even less.

Her desire is to be a great nurse but she now realizes that she has a knowledge deficit. She has taken care of patients from different cultures before, but this is the first time she has encountered these types of cultural barriers to communication.

However, Dana is determined to learn from this experience and provide care to these two patients tonight. She also makes a mental note to talk with her unit manager tomorrow about implementing some cultural competency training courses for the nursing staff, along with classes on communicating with limited-English-speaking patients and understanding the special needs of patients who are experiencing grief and bereavement.

Dana asks her co-worker Betty, who is an older, more experienced African American nurse, if she will try to assess Mrs. Gray and see if she can obtain any response from her. Betty has two things in common with the patient that Dana does not: She has first-hand knowledge of the patient’s culture and she also experienced the traumatic loss of her own husband to a massive heart attack ten years ago.

Betty enters Mrs. Gray’s room and also notes a flat affect. Initially, Mrs. Gray does not respond to her, either. The African American nurse sits by the bedside and continues talking to Mrs. Gray–not about her admission but about her recent loss and what it means to lose a loved one. She talks about spirituality and where God is in the overall scheme of life. She also discusses loneliness and tells Mrs. Gray that when she lost her own husband, she knew deep down that she was never alone because God was always there. She explains to the patient that she knew Mrs. Gray believes in God because of information about her spirituality from her past admissions to the hospital.

Eventually, Mrs. Gray begins to respond to Betty. The patient cries and expresses anger about her husband leaving her as well as about her present hospital admission. She says she feels that she has no control and that all choices have been taken away from her. Betty allows her to vent her frustrations and fears, then begins to institute the bereavement protocol, which consists of supportive interventions designed to help grieving patients and families begin to cope with their feelings of pain and loss.

The African American nurse recognized that the patient, because of the sudden loss of her husband, was more likely experiencing denial and anger in the stages of grief and loss. This understanding enabled her to provide the cultural sensitivity that this patient urgently needed.

Next, even though she is now behind on her shift, Dana decides to spend some one-on-one time with Mrs. Lopez and her family. She summons up what she remembers from her two years of high school Spanish classes and she also uses the Medical Spanish dictionary that is kept at the nurses’ station. She is able to establish some very basic communication with the patient and family, but quickly realizes that she will need more than this in order to provide quality nursing care to Mrs. Lopez. Dana decides to take advantage of the hospital’s Language Line service, and she is able to communicate with the Lopez family through telephone interpretation until the hospital’s night-shift interpreter arrives.

References

1. Egan, K.A. and Arnold, R.L. (2003). “Grief and Bereavement Care.” American Journal of Nursing, Vol.103, No. 9, pp. 42-52.

2. Sunoo, B.P. (2002). “Cultural Diversity and Grief.” The Forum newsletter, Association for Death Education and Counseling, March/April issue, pp. 1-4.

3. Cowles, K.V. (1996). “Cultural Perspectives of Grief: An Expanded Concept Analysis.” Journal of Advanced Nursing, Vol. 23, No. 2, pp. 287-294.

4. American Nurses Association (1991). “Position Statement: Cultural Diversity in Nursing Practice.”

5. Broome, B.A. (2004). “Culture Counts.” Journal of Cultural Diversity, Fall issue, pp. 1-2.

6. Van, P. and Meleis, A. (2003). “Coping With Grief After Involuntary Pregnancy Loss: Perspectives of African American Women.” Journal of Obstetric, Gynecological & Neonatal Nursing, Vol. 32, No. 1, pp. 28–39.

7. Thompson, Y. (1998). “Customs and Values that may Affect Latino Grief” (adapted from a presentation given at the National Fetal and Infant Mortality Review Program, Third National Conference). Bulletin, American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists.

8. Kellehear, A. (2002). “Grief and Loss: Past, Present and Future.” Medical Journal of Australia, Vol. 177, No. 4, pp. 176-177.

Marilyn Hardy Bougere, MSN, RN, CNS, is a nursing instructor at Jacksonville State University in Jacksonville, Alabama.

This article in its entirety was derived from minoritynurse.

Pregnancy Loss after Medically Assisted Conception

This article begins, by serving to provide support specifically to mothers who’ve endured the loss of their child or children, after enduring the struggle of medically assisted conception (or Assisted Reproductive Technology – ART).

There are many forms of medically assisted conception, as well as many forms of pregnancy loss or reasons for grief following this support.

Regardless of the method(s) of assistance you endured to conceive, it has likely been an expensive, emotional, painful, seemingly isolating journey that challenged your marriage, your understanding of motherhood, and even your identity.  After enduring all of that, to finally have conceived – to likely have been able to bond sooner with your baby than most other mothers because you may have found out about your pregnancy sooner than most, and may have even been given a photo of your embryo – to have experienced that amazing and profound joy, and then to have it end in loss, is devastating.  Please know, that you are not alone.

Here are some methods of conception assistance, and you may have utilized any of these:

Pregnancy loss, or reasons for grief, can occur at any point after conception takes place, and can include any of the following:

  • Any of the types of pregnancy loss listed here at stillbirthday
  • One or more of the implanted blastocysts/embryos did not continue into a complete and vital pregnancy
  • Grieving the loss of multiple blastocysts, either by medical discarding, selective reduction, freezing expiration, embryo adoption or any other situation
  • In traditional surrogacy, the “intended mother” grieves the biological experience that the father has
  • In either traditional or gestational surrogacy, you are the surrogate mother and you grieve the “loss” of the child as the baby is welcomed by their family
  • In either traditional or gestational surrogacy, you are the surrogate mother and you experience pregnancy and infant loss and experience a grief that can feel complicated in your situation.
  • Discovering that implantation never took place after transfer

For surrogate mothers, the grief of loss can feel complicated because:

  • You stand to validate the decisions and journey of surrogacy.
  • You have prepared your heart and mind for the understanding that you are not “relinquishing your child” but that you play an integral role in growing someone else’s family.  Yet experiencing pregnancy and infant loss as a surrogate can feel very personal and deeply grieving.
  • You can be faced with feeling as if your body failed you, and failed the family you intend to honor with your surrogacy commitment.  This can be compounded with a suspicion that somehow the family may accuse you or suspect some kind of negligence or fault, when in fact this is not true.
  • You can be faced with feeling that the journey of surrogacy is pushing too far, that experiencing pregnancy and infant loss is proof of that, when in fact this is not true.
  • It is your blood that you see, it is your very intimate obstetrical experience, including birth planning and birth methods in the experience of miscarriage or stillbirth that you are witnessing.
  • You have the painful privilege of bearing sacred witness to this loss the family is experiencing, and this may or many not be the first time their fertility struggle is shaped by loss after conception – via miscarriage or stillbirth.
  • You have the painful privilege of inviting the family to experience the miscarriage or stillbirth by allowing them to bear sacred witness to your labor or in some way be involved in the welcoming or the farewell.
  • Because you are surrogate, if it is medically necessary to have a medically assisted birth – in the case of D&C, D&E or later in which an autopsy may be requested or in any instance in which the physical form of the baby may be received by medical staff, it is best to articulate very clearly who the parents are and what their wishes are.  If you do not know what those wishes are or if they are not yet sure, please consider the options that will give you the most options later – meaning, it is best to articulate very clearly to medical staff prior to their receiving the physical form of the baby, that you will like to have the physical form of the baby returned to you.  Having this expressly written, read and understood by all involved can help clear up any possibly confusion or hospital policy issues later and can potentially expedite the process of having the physical form of the baby returned to you.  If this turns out to be an impossibility, seeking to retrieve any photocopies of any microscope slides can be a tangible, visual way that the parents can have their baby’s physical form.  This, in addition to any medical records, reports and information.  Please see the birth plans that would be the most appropriate to your circumstances.

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All of these reasons for hurt or grief deserve to be validated.

You are invited to see our library of personal stories shared by parents (visit the right sidebar), which include:

You are also invited to share your story.

 

Some supportive resources for any of these concerns:

Additionally, if you are experiencing a pregnancy loss while utilizing medical assistance for conception, you may wonder what the best birth method for your pregnancy loss might be, and if there is any difference in your choices when your pregnancy loss relates to ART in any way.  Your birth methods are, for the most part, still the same for pregnancy loss.  You can view the birth methods for pregnancy loss here.

Specific options that may be discussed between you and your care provider might include:

  • If your hormone levels are a factor that could inhibit the process of natural delivery, or you are eager to begin the next cycle, level, phase, or ART attempt and time is a factor, a more medically assisted delivery of your pregnancy loss may prove to be better for your situation. For example, miscarrying naturally can take several weeks to complete, but a D&C wouldn’t-but could come with additional risks.
  • If you are Rh-negative, your provider may suggest getting the Rhogam shot to protect you against Rh incompatibility, which could affect future pregnancies.  If you experienced a miscarriage under approximately 12 weeks gestation, your provider may suggest the micrhogram shot.
  • Your provider might suggest IVIg therapy.  It would be important to know why this is being suggested, what the potential risks and potential benefits could be, and any alternative therapies available depending on the already stated variables (these might include Intralipid, Lovenox, other medications or natural therapies that a holistic healthcare expert could possibly provide suggestions for).
  • Any of these topics and all specific issues pertaining to your pregnancy and pregnancy loss experiences need to be discussed with your care provider, and they should be apprised of all ideas and suggestions you are evaluating.

Articles related to ART (these will be updated as often as they are submitted and deemed to have possible relevence)

Please know that you can share your story, or any helpful resources with us here.  You can access yours and others stories related to loss after ART here.

Letter to the Duggars

Dear Michelle,

I am so very sorry for the death of sweet Jubilee Shalom.

There is nothing easy about pregnancy loss, and having it occur in the view of the whole world certainly doesn’t make it any easier.

And, there are aspects of our shared Christian faith, you and I, that make the experience more bearable, but there are certainly aspects of the grief journey that are excruciating because of our faith.

When I experienced my own loss, I blogged about it in real time.  It received thousands of views, and drew the comments of well-meaning, but often not well-versed, replies.  I was told things like:

“Now you can focus on your other children better.”

“You shouldn’t have had your children so close together.”

“Having that many children is the sort of mother who would drive her children off of a bridge.”

“Your body wasn’t ready for this baby; it was your fault and you should have waited.”

“Now you don’t have to worry about having a special needs kid.”

“At least you have your other children.”

“At least you have your husband, so be glad that it wasn’t him that died.”

The truth is, none of these things are true.  Losing a baby is hard, and shouldn’t be compared to anything else, by anyone else.  And a war was waged within me, between satan and God.  I was extremely angry, and deeply ashamed that I felt I could not carry my broken heart more gracefully.

I wanted my baby.

And, I know you wanted, and still want, Jubilee Shalom.

Please know, that my heart breaks for you at this time.

In the first few weeks after my loss, I experienced a tremendous amount of various emotions, from deep sadness to extreme anger.  I cried out loud, a lot.  I had some very important conversations with God, and it was an experience that at first attacked my faith, but ultimately served to strengthen it in ways I would have been too weak and too fearful to have obtained on my own.

Please know, that every mother who has come before you here at stillbirthday knows what loss is like.

We know that it doesn’t matter how many children you have; losing one is devastating.

We know that losing our infants brings out parts of ourselves that need a great deal of love, nurturing and care.

We know that there are additional aspects to losing a baby at 19 weeks gestation, including not obtaining a certified birth certificate for sweet Jubilee Shalom, among other things that many other people, not ever impacted by pregnancy loss, do not consider.

I pray that you are shielded from any negative aspects of your public position, and that God will use the very real life, and the very real death, of Jubilee Shalom to strengthen your conviction that your ministry, your public display of family love, is extremely important and valuable.

We, the pregnancy loss community, come from various backgrounds and belief systems.  Not all of the mothers who have been here are Christian and so they do not all align with your family values.

But know this: we ALL welcome you into the community that truly no one ever wants to be a part of.

May God fill your heart with peace as you prepare for Jubilee’s memorial service today, and in the many days to come.  This is only the beginning of your healing journey.

For our readers who would like to keep updated on the Duggar family, please visit the Duggar Family Blog and their original blog here.

This video is Michelle’s letter to her daughter, Jubilee Shalom:

[vimeo http://www.vimeo.com/33754101 w=400&h=225]

Getting Pregnant Again

This article serves to provide support resources for mothers and families who are currently pregnant after having endured a previous pregnancy or infant loss.  Please also visit our Rainbow Birth Plan for information on planning the birth of your “subsequent/rainbow” baby.

It is extremely important to be aware that a subsequent pregnancy can likely bring with it heightened fears and anxieties.  Having a Sacred Circle or blessingway can be a treasured way to celebrate this pregnancy.

If you are not yet pregnant with your subsequent pregnancy after loss, you might fill this time with love and rich healing.  We have resources in our fertility challenges section on such subjects as conscious conception and pre-conception planning and bonding.

 

As you read this article, you can also listen in on a radio show with Heidi Faith (the founder of stillbirthday and author of The Invisible Pregnancy), Franchesca Cox (the founder of Still Standing magazine and author of Celebrating Pregnancy Again) with radio show host Gena Kirby (founder of Progressive Parenting):

 Please join us at our sister website, run by our doulas, at www.stillbirthday.info.

Many mothers consider subsequent pregnancy after loss to be a “rainbow” pregnancy, or they wait until this live baby is born and then refer to him or her as a “rainbow” baby.  We talk about ways of incorporating special keepsakes and meanings into your Rainbow Birth Plan here at stillbirthday (see the end of this article for the link).  Having a Boudoir Maternity photo session that includes rainbows, a memorial tattoo or other keepsake can be a way of facing challenges of discovering our inherent beauty and joy in a subsequent pregnancy.

 

Some things to consider in subsequent pregnancy:

  • While there seems to be variability in professional opinion on the best time to try to conceive again following a pregnancy loss, many professionals recommend allowing one subsequent menstrual cycle to pass, to help ensure the uterus is clear of any fragments, possibly from the placenta.
  • Researching the best prenatal vitamins for you is an empowering and healing choice.  Our facts/stats is a delicate page, but which may have helpful information for you.
  • Parents need to be empowered to make pregnancy decisions on their own timeline.  They already feel like they have lost so much power over what has happened to them.
  • Mothers who conceive quickly may have a tendancy to believe (and/or have loved ones who believe) that the new baby will help to repair a lot of the expectations lost with the previous baby’s death.  Moms who are due around the time of their previous baby’s anniversary (stillbirthday) are at particular risk of experiencing such feelings (1995 Child Bereavement Trust, UK).
  • Other studies suggest that getting pregnant right away may allow the strongest of grief feelings to dissipate sooner.
  • Guarded emotions, heightened anxiety, a tendency to mark off time by waiting for particular pregnancy milestones to come and go, and a need to seek out or avoid particular behaviors are common ways of coping with pregnancy after a loss (Syracuse University, 1999).  This is true whether or not the mother has sought out, learned, and has attempted to or is working through medical reasons for her losses.
  • Pregnant, bereaved mom can feel more suspicious to trust her instincts, overly compensating with anxiety and fear.  Calming techniques can be valuable in pregnancy, including breathing techniques, light music, pregnancy-appropriate massage, and quiet reflection.  As counter-intuitive as it might sound, integrating the baby not alive into your family story in some ways – perhaps one family photo with a teddy bear or other symbol of your baby, can be a healing, validating experience.
  • Support groups can be very helpful in providing support to women going through pregnancy after a loss.  They can help them to recognize that the others are going through the same experience, remember the babies who have died, learn new coping skills, and begin to relate to their living babies.  Please see our article on various websites, including online groups.
  • Bereaved parents who subsequently give birth to living children need to consider the place of the stillborn or miscarried child in the family and the relationship of the children who were born before the stillborn/miscarried child to those who arrive afterward.
  • Loved ones may respond differently to the subsequent pregnancy than the mother.  While the mother may be anxious and fearful, loved ones may pressure her to move on, forget her deceased child, and only celebrate her current pregnancy.  Alternately, the mother may be feeling joyful at a subsequent pregnancy, only for loved ones to feel weary and blame the mother for getting pregnant again.
  • Fear can present itself in many ways in subsequent pregnancy: fear of losing another child, fear of announcing the pregnancy, fear of betrayal toward the deceased child, fear of celebrating pregnancy, fear of the experiences of childbirth.  Fear of the experiences of childbirth can include: remembering the last time her body gave birth, fear of contractions, fetal heart monitoring, crowning, and the moments immediately after birth.
  • The challenges of balancing bereavement with joy often don’t end with the birth of a live subsequent pregnancy, but just as in NICU grief, mothers of subsequent living children can face many experiences and seasons that remind them all over again of what all was lost at the death of their child: the same is true for fathers.  Our Rainbow Birth Plan also includes information about our Rainbow Milk campaign.

Aspects of the above information are borrowed from the work of Ann Douglas, Author, Speaker of Canadian Foundation for the Study of Infant Deaths Converance from the Still Unanswered, Always Remembered slideshow (22)

Other helpful ideas:

  • Read other stories from stillbirthday, including subsequent pregnancies AND subsequent “rainbow” BIRTH stories!
  • You might also decide to include your baby who died in your subsequent pregnancy announcement.  Here is one idea of how to do this.  You might include the names of all of your family, a special keepsake, or a rainbow somehow.
  • Read our article “Your Subsequent Pregnancy” which has an invitation for you to share your experiences here at stillbirthday
  • Some mothers feel reservation about sharing the news of their subsequent pregnancy for fear that either she or others will be waiting for “bad news” to follow.  Consider if it is more important to prevent having to retract the good news, or if it is more important to have support around you to reinforce the joy and encouragement of the pregnancy and to have “just in case” for emotional support if you do experience another loss.  This is a personal decision that needs to be discussed with your husband.
  • Consider purchasing an iBirth app, Positive Pregnancy app, Sprout app or other similar device to give you updates on your pregnancy and other helpful features like an app-to-keepsake-book.
  • Consider using a fetal heart monitor at home.
  • Visit Count the Kicks
  • Consider using a fetal kick count chart.
  • Discuss your fears with your provider (midwife or OB).
  • Because of health concerns related to Dopplers and ultrasounds, consider asking your provider about MaterniT 21 testing as a possible alternative.
  • If you are considering purchasing or renting an at-home Doppler, there are organizations that can help you, such as Beats for Bristol.  Please, consider discussing the use of one with your provider, including any possible risks of harm or health to your baby, by misusing or overusing the product.
  • our threatened miscarriage has some tips that may be helpful
  • facts/stats on pregnancy loss can be assuring
  • there are some natural fertility items such as stones, charms, and books in our keepsake list.
  • MotherPrayer is a spiritually diverse and supportive book.
  • Many mothers feel more comfortable in their subsequent pregnancies after they’ve reached two milestones: reaching the second trimester, and reaching the same gestational age at which they previously experienced a loss.  Finding comfort and joy even during this “waiting” is important.
  • For mothers who have previously experienced miscarriage, the above may be true in the first trimester.  However, mothers who experienced later loss may find that it is toward the end of the subsequent pregnancy that fears mount.
  • The hormones of pregnancy can serve to magnify hidden feelings.  Pregnancy can also serve to magnify the feelings of grief.  If you feel that you are experiencing heightened loneliness, anger, or dread, consult your provider along with your doula, and consider utilizing our long term support resources or joining our mentorship program.
  • Some mothers prefer to plan a more medicalized birth for susequent pregnancies, in an effort to prevent a loss.  Please discuss these plans and your reasons for them with your provider.
  • Some mothers experience emotional dystocia during the labors of their subsequent children – an otherwise unexplainable delay during the birthing process, which may be contributed to fears or memories of delivering a miscarried or stillborn baby.
  • Even the hard feelings can be valuable to you, if you are wrapped in support and love.  Go slow, and remind your heart that the hard feelings are a normal reaction to an impossible devastation.  You are a beautiful mother.
  • Consider using the Farewell Celebrations suggestions at any time after your loss and the Long Term Support resources to work through any residual fears and anxieties.

Get Connected

  • Consider partnering with one of our mentors who can provide emotional encouragement through this time.
  • Any of our highly trained SBD doulas would be honored to work with you through this pregnancy and birth as well.  Our doulas know how to work with medically involved births, can lower the chances of unnecessary interventions, and can help you work through fears that may be prompting you to seek a more medicalized birth.  SBD doulas can also help you incorporate very special, personal and meaningful ideas into your Rainbow Birth Plan.
  • Hosting a Mothers Workshop can be a great way to address the complex feelings of pregnancy after loss.

Please join us at our sister website, run by our doulas, at www.stillbirthday.info.

Additional Links

Special books to help bring encouragement during this time

 

 

Rearing Living Children SBD Resources:

Please join us at our sister website, run by our doulas, at www.stillbirthday.info.

Ending With a Loss

All bereaved moms feel the emptiness of platitudes from well-meaning loved ones, but they can be particularly painful for the mother who has never birthed a live baby, and who, through various circumstances, possibly never will.

From people who do not know what you have endured, come callous questions such as:

“When are you going to start having children?” 

“Don’t you want to have children?”

“Are you just being selfish and focusing on your career instead of a family?”

“A good woman would provide her man with children.”

If you have experienced multiple losses, you may feel unworthy of grieving each child.

If you haven’t experienced multiple losses, you may feel unworthy of grieving.

If you have older, living children, but this will likely be your last pregnancy, you may feel unworthy of grieving.

Then, on top of the hurtful comments above, if there are people who know of your losses, these are some of the responses you might have experienced:

“You should just adopt.”

“You shouldn’t give up – keep trying.”

“You should have started trying sooner in life.”

“You already have children.  You should have stopped trying after your last one.”

“Maybe this is:

-punishment for something.”

-a good thing.  After all, parenthood is really hard.”

-a sign that you wouldn’t have been a good parent.”

All of these things are cruel and unnecessary. 

While having a subsequent “rainbow” baby doesn’t take the pain away of losing a child, when you do not and likely will not experience the joys of a “rainbow” baby, you face enduring the pain of your loss(es) in addition to the pain of knowing that the last birth experience you had, the last birth experience you may ever have, is one that was tragic.

Yes, there are additional fertility and parenting options that you could consider, and stillbirthday does have a list of many of these options at our recurrent losses section.  However, just focusing on what you should do next in your fertility journey is terribly unfair.

Your loved ones would be wise to consider these thoughts:

You may be done trying, and just want to find peace with childlessness.  Telling you that you “should” do anything could pressure you in ways you don’t want to be pressured, and make you feel uncomfortable with trying to find peace in your decision.

You may have already tried some of their suggestions but didn’t tell anyone about it (adoption isn’t like grocery shopping, for example.  It’s not a quick fix, and it takes a lot of careful and prayerful consideration).

There may be more to your situation than you have shared with others.

Even if you have older, living children, ending your fertility with a loss can be extremely painful.  It can make you want to “try again”, and cause a great deal of inner conflict.  Knowing that the very last birth you ever experienced was a tragic one can be a heartbreaking burden to carry, and this burden can actually feel compounded by the sense that you don’t deserve to grieve because you have older, living children.

You are still a mother, and your loss is still your baby.

If you have experienced a loss at the end of your fertility, please know that while you are ending your fertility with a loss, you are not “ending in a loss”.  You are still a mother.  Please know that your pregnancy loss is still a birthday.  Please know that your baby is still, in fact, your baby.

Please visit our Farewell Celebrations for ways to honor your baby.

If you would like to share your experience of ending your fertility with a loss, you can share your story here, and you can read stories shared in the special category for ending fertility with a loss.

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Start Here

Dignity in Birth.  Healing in Bereavement.

Welcome to StillBirthDay.

 

 

If you are miscarrying right now, or have just found out that when your pregnancy is over your baby will likely not survive, this website is the right place for you.

I am so very sorry.

It is my hope that this website will help you to:

  • learn a little bit about the kind of pregnancy/infant loss you are having
  • learn about your baby’s most recent development in the womb
  • be able to see an actual picture of a baby that is the same size as yours (only if you wish).  For greater accuracy, choose the age that your baby last measured at.
  • be able to read stories from other parents who endured pregnancy & infant loss at the same age as yours (only if you wish).  You can view the listing of gestation weeks in the right sidebar of the screen, followed by other groups of stories, such as stories from dads, stories of parents of multiples, and those from parents of children with a fatal diagnosis.   Some stories are password protected.  You can  learn what the password is, and what it means to use it.
  • learn more about the kinds of birth methods you might have for your baby
  • find ways to make the birth of your miscarried or stillborn baby meaningful
  • consider including a professionally trained Stillbirthday Birth and Bereavement Doula (SBD) in your birth plans.  Our doulas offer emotional and physical support prior to, during and after the birth of your miscarried or stillborn baby. You can also view a list of professionals who chose to list their names here at stillbirthday to provide support in the capacity of bereavement photographers, post loss lactation professionals, and more, all available in your state or online.
  • explore farewell celebrations that will help you grieve in a healthy way
  • come back to this site later, to utilize long term support services and resources listed here, and when you’re ready, to share your story, if you wish.  You are always welcome back.

Start Here

 

beforeduringafter

 

 

All of the links you need are listed at the top of the page; however, everything listed above has also been arranged in a way that will allow you to just click different options on each page and be taken to the specific path of information that is right for you, and will answer everything listed above in an easy to understand order.  All you have to do is click the Start Here link, and we will walk through this together.  You can do this.  We will do this together.

If you are visiting stillbirthday for the first time, please be sure to scroll through our main home page, as it has current giveaway opportunities, beautiful artwork, still parenting journals, our amazing sponsors, and more.

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Important disclaimer:  this is an informational site only, and should not be used to diagnose or treat any medical condition. Please consult your healthcare provider for medical information. Because this is not a medical website, we passionately strive to provide you with explanations that are sensitive and personal and not bound by medical terminology.

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If you are a friend or a loved one to someone losing a baby, this website is right for you.  I pray that you will be able to explore positive, constructive ways to support your loved one, as well as find healing and support for your own grieving heart.  Thank you so very much for being here.  Please use our Before Birth section that holds a great amount of links and valuable resources that you might present to your loved one.

If you have lost your baby at any time in the past, this website is right for you.  I pray that you will be able to find healing and inspirational expressions of love for your child and closure to the grief.  I pray that you will be able to reach out to other hurting parents by sharing your story with us.  If you have had a “rainbow baby”, meaning you’ve given birth to a live baby subsequent to a pregnancy or infant loss, we’d love to add your story to the getting pregnant again section, to offer hope to other parents, and invite you to view our subsequent pregnancy support section. Additionally, if you are pregnant now, and have had a loss at any time in the past, we have a section of helpful resources for you.

If your baby has died shortly after birth (neonatal death), including SIDS or fatal diagnosis, this website is right for you.  I pray you will be able to explore all of your postpartum options here, including lactation decisions, funeral planning, and fertility decisions such as trying to conceive again.   You are also invited to share your story , and it will be held in the Newborn story section, which also includes fatal diagnosis.

Please view our resources based on the specific fertility, pregnancy, infant or child loss you’ve experienced.

If you are the father of a miscarried or stillborn baby, your feelings and experiences are just as real and valid as the mother’s.  We have a growing section of resources specific to pregnancy loss support for dads and invite you to share your story and read the stories of other stillbirthday fathers.

If you are a professional or volunteer interested in supporting families through loss, bless you.  I pray this website will allow you to have a glimpse of what pregnancy loss is like, so that you can cultivate respectful empathy and a loving, servant heart toward broken hearted parents.  You also need support through grief, so please visit our Provider Care section, where you come first.  Thank you so very much for being here.

If you have completed our birth and bereavement training, I invite you to consider advancing your knowledge by hosting a workshop, becoming an SBD Chaplain, a regional representative, a member of our diversity team, or an official affiliate.  Or, simply consider other ways you can get involved, such as through our mentorship program, prayer team, news team, Love Cupboard program, or view our Connections information including how to become a local representative.

If you would like to read our stories, please visit our sharing invitation to learn what the password is, and what it means to use it.

The founder of stillbirthday is a birth and bereavement doula and the mother of a baby born in the first trimester. You can view pieces of Heidi’s story.

 

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The SBD® Doula provides support to families experiencing birth in any trimester and in any outcome.

Here at stillbirthday.info, you can learn about the SBD® Doula.