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Better and Better

February 10, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Stephanie

In 2001 I became pregnant for the first time. My father had been in and out of the hospital for most of 2000 and 2001 so I didn’t think much of it when I missed my first period in July. I figured the stress was getting to me but then when I had no period in August, in addition to some queasy feelings and exhaustion, I decided to buy a pregnancy test. I told my mom that I had missed two periods in a row and that was unusual for me. So she sat in the bathroom with me while I took the test. I could only imagine her own heartbreak at knowing her daughter might be unexpectedly pregnant. The test came up positive and as soon as I saw it I burst into tears. I had been dating my boyfriend for over a year but something deep inside of me knew that he would not be happy about this. My mom told me that she and my father would be there for me no matter what. So I went to tell my boyfriend. I remember sitting down on the floor while he was lying on the bed and telling him, “I’m pregnant.” His first response was, “Well, you’re gonna get that taken care of right? Cause I am NOT ready to be a father.” I remember feeling like it was all a bad dream. Here was this man that I loved and the one moment that I needed him to be supportive and caring and, well, all it seemed he could think about was himself. I told him that I could not have an abortion; that I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did that. Of course, screaming and fighting matches ensued. For two solid weeks he badgered me, belittled me and screamed about how I was going to ruin his life and on and on. I continued to reply to him, “If you don’t want this then you are welcome to leave but I will not be forced to do something I do not want to do.” Suddenly, one day, he called me at work. He asked to meet me for lunch so I did. As we sat there staring at each other in uncomfortable silence he finally told me that he realized that he had to accept that I was not going to terminate the pregnancy and if I was going to go through with it then he would be there to support me. FINALLY – some reassurance! Two weeks after that I went for my first OB appointment. I had estimated that I was about 10 weeks based upon last period prior to my appointment. I had been having mild cramping off and on for about a week before my OB visit, but most of the books that I read had said that was normal but if you had spotting or bleeding, to call your OB right away. I had no spotting or bleeding so I figured I was okay. I sat in the waiting room, excited to see my baby for the first time because I knew they would be doing a scan to see exactly how far along I was. The nurse called my name and I went into give a urine sample and as I was doing that I felt something more warm than just urine. I looked into the toilet bowl and there were streaks of bright red blood. I immediately ran out and told the nurse that I was bleeding. She rushed me to the ultrasound room and the tech came in to do the transvaginal scan. As I lay there I knew, I just KNEW that this was over but there was the tiny of tiniest hope that maybe I was wrong. The tech looked at me sadly and turned the screen around so that I could see for myself: “I am so sorry but it appears you have a blighted ovum.” I looked at the screen and saw the sac and could see where it was attached to my uterus and that it looked like it had started dividing but then just stopped. I asked her what “blighted ovum” meant and she told me that basically the sperm and egg meet – the egg attaches but something happens that stops it from developing. I began to sob – this little creature that I had fought SO damned hard for and wanted so desperately was gone before he or she even began to live. I numbly made my way out of the u/s room and was taken to an exam room where my OB came in. He told me my options – to let the ovum pass naturally or to have a D & C. He said that he personally recommended the D & C option because I was young and wanted to have future children but if I wanted to miscarry at home that was up to me. I chose the D & C because I worried about future fertility. I drove home sobbing. I called my boyfriend and he said nothing – actually, he sounded like he gave a sigh of relief which hurt me straight to the core. My mom was the next person I called. I sobbed as I told her and she cried with me over the phone. Then I went to her house and curled up on her bed while she held me and told me that we would get through this. My poor father, we had told him nothing at this time because I didn’t want to stress him out since he’d been sick so much. My daddy found out about my pregnancy the same time I told him that it was over. He hugged me so tightly and told me it was all going to be okay. The doctor had scheduled my D & C for the very next morning. My mom and dad went with me but my boyfriend told me he was going to work. I was still hurt – he acted like this was no big deal, and I guess in a way, it was a gigantic relief for him. I sat in the waiting room of the outpatient center waiting to be called in to get started when my boyfriend showed up. I was stunned. I couldn’t believe it. I asked him what he was doing there and he said he’d come to support me. They took me back and the next hours are a blur. The doctor who performed my D & C did come out after I woke up and told me that I would be able to get pregnant again when I wanted to. She also gave me a card with a name and number of a counselor if I needed someone to talk to. She is a wonderful OB/GYN and is currently my GYN. The days after my D & C were tough. The worst was what people said to me: “You’ll get pregnant again.” Um, okay – jerk. “It wasn’t really a baby so at least you don’t have to live with that.” O.o “You should consider this a blessing in disguise.” That came from my boyfriend’s sister…*eye roll* “At least you don’t have to worry about getting fat.” That one came from my boyfriend’s friend’s girlfriend. What was really tough was that my best friend was about as far along as I was. I could not stand to be around her while her pregnancy progressed along normally which broke both of our hearts. But she understood and let me come around her again when I was ready. It will be 11 years this year since this happened and it’s still hard to believe it’s been that LONG. That boyfriend and I broke up in 2004 which was a good think as he was quite an emotional and verbally abusive guy and he cheated on me. Do I regret my loss of my first child – yes – yes a thousand times over. But I also know that my life would be vastly different today had I had that first baby. I was able to get my act together and finish school and buy a house and become a productive adult. I know that had I stayed with my ex and had that baby, well, I am not sure that I would have been successful at any of that. And that’s what I think is bittersweet about this – I wanted that baby so much but I realize that maybe, just maybe, there was a reason that my first pregnancy ended the way it did. Funny thing though – in August of 2010 I missed my period, felt tired all the time, queasy, breasts ached…and I thought to myself, “uh-oh.” On August 13, 2010, I took another home pregnancy test and found out I was pregnant again but this time I did not burst into tears because I knew that my current boyfriend would be supportive of me and not abandon or threaten to abandon me. And I was right – he was thrilled when I told him. He reacted in the supportive, loving and happy way I wish my ex had. What was so ironic was that my new baby would be due in the spring like my first baby was supposed to be. On April 18, 2011 our son was born via C-section and delivered by the same OB who had seen me the day I found out about my blighted ovum. It was the best day of my life and we are now a very happy, very loving family.

Filed Under: Blighted Ovum / Molar, Getting Pregnant Again

Protected: Loss and Blessings

January 28, 2012 by 1 Comment

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Filed Under: 05 weeks, 06 weeks, 09 weeks, 10 weeks, All Multiples, Getting Pregnant Again, Loss after ART

Before Blue (Jay-Z and Beyonce)

January 23, 2012 by 1 Comment

Shawn Corey Carter, a US rapper better known by his stage name, Jay-Z, and his wife, Beyonce, a singer, songwriter and actress, gave birth to baby Blue Ivy, a little girl, earlier this month.

While the news continues to circulate over what hospital they went to, the method of childbirth and delivery experienced, and any photos that can leak from them leaving the hospital and of course of baby Blue, her father, Jay-Z, just shared another personal family experience with the world:

Before baby Blue, Jay-Z and Beyonce experienced a miscarriage.

In his newest song, “Glory”, Jay-Z shares some important insight into the experiences of childbirth and of miscarriage.  Perhaps one of the most important, and most obvious to bereaved parents, is that a pregnancy loss, and a subsequent pregnancy and birth, have aspects that are interrelated and very much connected.

Jay-Z shows through the lyrics of “Glory” that their miscarriage experience was not forgotten simply because Beyonce experienced a full-term pregnancy or a live childbirth, and that no amount of media attention, controversy, or public eye on the birth of Blue Ivy could make them forget the anguish and heartbreak over the miscarriage prior to her birth.

The song “Glory” also gives some insight into what this couple may have been struggling with during the course of this pregnancy: the quiet fear of losing another child.  This fear is not uncommon, and many parents experience some level of anxiety or concern during various aspects of subsequent pregnancies after loss, particularly the first subsequent pregnancy, and particularly during the first trimester.

Additionally, Jay-Z incorporated the actual sounds of Blue Ivy, her whimpering and crying, into “Glory”.  Altogether, this song serves as a blend of identifying both his and Beyonce’s feelings regarding their miscarriage experience, and their joy and sense of victory at the birth of their daughter.

While “hip-hop” or “rap” music may typically protray tough, stoic men with rigid messages, Jay-Z uses this medium to creatively express the deep, complex emotions of grief, fear, and finally, thrill and awe.

I am thankful for one more opportunity that a celebrity has used their experience to help educate the world of important aspects of pregnancy loss.

Jay-Z and Beyonce, I am very sorry for the struggles you’ve endured during and after your miscarriage.  I am thankful that you experienced the joyful birth of your daughter, Blue Ivy, and I thank you for sharing these experiences with the world.  It is my hope that you feel shielded from any controvery or criticism regarding your choice to share, but that you feel totally convinced that it was the right thing to do, both for your own healing, but also to help provide comfort to other loss families who possibly wouldn’t have felt as comforted without your sharing through your song, “Glory.”

Some of the lyrics to “Glory”:

Last time the miscarriage was so tragic

We was afraid you disappeared

But nah, baby you magic (voilà)

So there you have it, [profanity edited out] happens

Make sure the plane you on is bigger than your carry-on baggage

Everybody goes through stuff

Life is a gift love, open it up”

Click here to listen to “Glory“, featuring B-I-C (Blue Ivy Carter)

 

Filed Under: Dads, Getting Pregnant Again, Outside Insight / P.R.

Protected: Harper’s Hands

January 21, 2012 by 2 Comments

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Filed Under: 04 weeks, 05 weeks, 06 weeks, 16 weeks, 40 weeks, Getting Pregnant Again

She’s Not My Rainbow

January 13, 2012 by 4 Comments

Pregnancy & infant loss parents often refer to subsequent children, born after their miscarriage or stillbirth experiences, as “rainbow babies”, the idea being that “a rainbow follows the storm.”

Our world offers a lot of interpretations of rainbows, and while I enjoy the sentiment and agree, wholeheartedly, that the experience of pregnancy loss is in fact a devastating storm (but not that the child is), as I rub my tightly stretched, expanded belly, which holds my fifth child and my very first daughter, I feel convicted to push the fantasy aside and know that she is in fact, not my rainbow.

Genesis 9:8-16 tells us:

Then God said to Noah and to his sons with him, “Behold, I establish my covenant with you and your offspring after you, and with every living creature that is with you, the birds, the livestock, and every beast of the earth with you, as many as came out of the ark; it is for every beast of the earth. I establish my covenant with you, that never again shall all flesh be cut off by the waters of the flood, and never again shall there be a flood to destroy the earth.” And God said, “This is the sign of the covenant that I make between me and you and every living creature that is with you, for all future generations…”

God is telling us that the rainbow is a reminder of His covenant, a promise that He will not allow destruction in the same manner in which He previously did.

I cannot deceive myself into believing that this promise is directed toward the preservation of earthly life of this child in my womb.

God has not promised that He will not allow destruction of this child’s earthly life, as He previously permitted of my last child.

And yet understanding that powerful truth does not leave me feeling vulnerable, suspicious, or afraid.

It makes me humble.  It makes me marvel at God’s goodness.  It makes me thankful, not for every trimester that passes or for every month that brings me closer to the birth.  No, I don’t count down the days.  I rejoice in them.  I touch my belly.  I feel my daughter stir.  25 weeks.  She is growing so big.

Her legs are longer than her arms, which as she continues to grow will serve to constrict her space even further and make things more uncomfortable for her.  I can tell already by the force of her kicking that she is stretching and has begun to fill in the space within my womb.  Why are her legs longer than her arms already?  It is to prepare her for walking, for life outside of the womb.  Yet all she knows right now is the swishing, the whirring, the humming of the sounds through the water that surrounds her.  All she knows is she bumps harder and stronger every day into my soft but protective flesh around her.  She has no idea that the duration of her earthly life is not promised.  That at any day, any minute, God could gently whisper to her heart, to still.  She has no idea just how vulnerable she is, how delicate this life is.

All the while, her body continues to prepare her for a world she has no idea is here.  A world much bigger than she could ever imagine.

I want to have faith like that.

I want to just naturally move to a rhythm that brings me more and more prepared for the life that is bigger than this.  I want to be grown, molded, and shaped to be ready for it.  I want every day to mark a change in my development, I want it to be visible and apparent and obvious to others.

My storm has allowed me to see just how my spirit is taking shape.  It is growing.  I can feel the resistance when I push at life’s pressures as they close in on me.  I feel the reality of the physical world, the discomforts and the sense of imperfection around me, and know that this is in fact, not my home.  I am gestating, maturing and learning, so that I can be prepared for a place much bigger, much more bright, much more awesome than the little space I have right now.

I sit quietly in my baby’s nursery.  I am surrounded by pink for the first time in my adult life.

As a little girl, my mother and father were abusive and unloving toward me.  I was raised in foster care, and because I wasn’t “adoptable”, I didn’t stay anywhere long.  I lived in orphanages, institutions, and shelters.  I have been abused in every way possible.

I never had a mother to teach me how to cook, how to sew, how to be modest yet bold, how to be submissive and yet successful.

When I began having children, I felt as though I was not only sorely ill-prepared to be a “girl mom”, but to a mom at all.  I was scared but trusted God to prepare me.  My first son  has shaped my ability to love selflessly and has refined my determination and perseverance.  My second son has shaped my patience and ability to share and have balance.  My third son has taught me to embrace the amazing joy of motherhood and to relax.  My fourth son, my miscarried baby, has taught me forgiveness.  I blamed God and myself for his death, and I learned to forgive God, to see His perfection even in storms, and I’ve learned to forgive myself for things outside of my control.  And, I’ve learned to accept God’s forgiveness, really accept it, for blaming Him.

My fifth child, my first daughter, has taught me about God’s goodness.  I love each of my children for their intrinsic value and the wonder of God’s blessings through them but I feel compelled to share now the spiritual value of her particular life, this daughter of mine.

She is not the promise after the storm.  She is neither the long awaited-for girl born after boys.  I never imagined having a daughter.

Now, as I sit in the nursery, filled with soft shades of pink, I marvel at the wonder of it: my daughter.  I touch my belly again, and thank God for His goodness.

He has entrusted with me a little girl, even in the face of all of my uncertainties and fears and shortcomings in my own childhood.

While I like to dream about our future, a life with three active, rowdy, crazy boys, and wonder what our daughter will be like, how she will fit in with this family, I don’t have any expectation.  In the same way I strap all of our children into their seats with seatbelts, I know that the time we are given, the duration of this life, is not promised.

As I allow those dreams to linger, as they build the reality that in fact our daughter will be born, I don’t miserably wish the time away until something feels more certain.  I don’t impatiently wish this pregnancy past.

I rub my belly.  I marvel at how far we have already come, my daughter and I.  I am not in any hurry for her to reach a certain point or a particular age or even a milestone.  I don’t depend on her to be my promise, a promise that would make my love for God conditional and would limit my joy tremendously.

I watch adoringly as my oldest son kisses my belly and says he loves his little sister.  My heart melts as he enters the nursery and jokingly says it gives him a “pink headache.”  I marvel as I see how much he has grown, and the things he is capable of doing; things that have nothing to do with his sister at all.  I am captivated by my third sons new ability to maneuver as a biped.  How do humans learn to walk, anyway?  It amazes me.  I am filled with joy when I see my second son pat his little brother on the head and ask “Are you OK?” when he falls down.  I melt when my man walks in the door from work and looks at me, really looks at me, full of compassion and adoration and total love, and tells me simply that he’s glad to be home.  We’ve always had an amazing marriage, but the experience of grief following the birth of our miscarried baby shook us, both individually and as a couple.  Oh, how God has grown us even closer than ever before!

There are so many blessings all around me.

I don’t want to call my daughter my “rainbow” because I can’t separate that from what I know God’s promises to be, and I can’t allow myself, or my daughter, or God, the terrible disservice of confusing His promises from His gifts.

My daughter is in fact, a gift.  One that I have already received.  I have been given so very much by her presence in my life already.  I will remain in this life the mother of a daughter, regardless of the duration of her life, or my own.

The “rainbow” in my life, in the worldly context of finding beauty after the storm of my loss, is in the strength of my marriage, the strength of my heart, and the strength in my relationship with God.  It’s in having new eyes to see the many ways He blesses, provides and sustains, each and every day.

The actual biblical promises I stand on include bringing all things that He creates to proper completion.  He creates, gestates, provides until the creation lacks nothing, and when that person’s job is complete, they are welcomed Home.  These are biblical truths.  I trust that my miscarried baby is complete, that his work is done, and that he is Home.

I move into preparing for my daughter’s tomorrow; I wash and fold her tiny clothes and match her tiny ruffled bloomers with pretty floral dresses.  I hold out her tiny booties and smile as I imagine her tiny feet tucked warm inside.  I hope for tomorrow, and act as if when it comes we will continue to share it together.  I don’t demand it, and I don’t fear it will be taken.

Instead, I am simply and deeply thankful for the hope that I am given today.

Filed Under: all, Getting Pregnant Again, Heidi's Pieces

I Still Believe

November 12, 2011 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Stormy

Gideon is going to be a big brother!  Click here to read Gideon’s story.

Yes, my husband and I are pregnant!

Pretty shocking, huh? It was a huge surprise to us too! It took  us 41 months to get pregnant with Gideon and so when we found out we were pregnant again quickly, we were shocked! It took us totally off guard. Its crazy what God does sometimes. But this child, like Gideon, is a miracle from Him, especially considering my husband and I have infertility issues.

We are so excited to be blessed with this child!

I have been to the doctor already 4 times and I have had 2 ultrasounds. And so far, so good. Everything looks great with this little one. Every time at the doctor we have seen or heard this baby’s heartbeat and it has been strong and fast. Gideon’s was the same way at this point. When I was 15 weeks pregnant with him, everything was perfect. I have been able to feel this baby moving for a while now, since I was about 11 weeks or so. I felt Gideon move for the first time at 19 weeks. It is wonderful and exciting to feel this little one move all around! I loved getting to know Gideon through his kicks inside of me, and I will love getting to know this little one too.

This baby is due on May 3rd! I am hoping to be induced a little early, for many reasons, one being that Gideon’s first birthday will be on May 17th. I am not sure how I feel about them having the same birth month. And then, as we get closer to my due date, I can imagine, and from what I have heard from others, it is very stressful. So, I am hoping to have this baby a little early for my mental state, and because part of me doesn’t want both of my children to have the same birth month. I don’t know if I can handle that, honestly. But we shall see how I feel come April. I might change my mind.

My belly is huge already! Hahaha. Like I said before, I am 15 weeks with this baby and my belly is as big as it was with Gideon at like 20-21 weeks. It is because I have already had a baby and my stomach muscles are all relaxed and since this baby and Gideon are so close together, it usually means that you start showing sooner.

I go in to have another ultrasound in about a week. I am using the same doctor I had with Gideon because I trust him and he is a very cautious doctor. And he is a Believer and so we hold the same views on life. He is always careful with his patients, but he is being even more so with me.  There is nothing wrong with me that would cause another stillbirth, but he is being extra safe anyway. He is also having me go and see an Internal Fetal Medicine doctor, just to be on the safe side, so she can check me out too.

Still, I am terrified. I know the Lord is not a God of fear, but I am afraid that this child may die too.

What if we have to say goodbye to this child, too? Am I strong enough for that? Can we survive more grief? What if this baby dies? Can I handle picking out another headstone?…The thing is, people will say “well, lighting doesn’t strike in the same place twice” or “nothing will happen this time” or something of that nature. And the reality is, there are no guarantees. Job had everything taken from him. His children, his livestock, his health. Everything. For him, lightning struck more than twice in the same place. I know a beautiful woman who has had 5 miscarriages, a stillbirth and a son who passed away after spending his precious, short life in the NICU. I know another woman who has had 3 stillbirths. Her first 2 losses were caused by the same medical reason and her last loss was from something completely different. Another woman I have met, had a daughter pass away at a week old, and then had a son at 15 weeks, and after the birth of 2 living children, has had 2 more miscarriages.
So many people I know with so much loss. So many babies who have gone to heaven. I know all too well that there really are no guarantees. Just because I am out of my first trimester doesnt mean I am “safe” now. Gideon died at 33 weeks, if he had been born alive, he could have lived. So there is no “safe.”
I am fine with people telling me “I really feel like this baby is going to live” or if God Himself gives you a revelation, then by all means, please tell me. But I know; I know the true pain of loving and getting to know your child and then them dying and being left with empty arms.

The truth is: this baby might die too. This baby might die before I want him/her to. However, I am trusting the Lord. We are trusting Him through this. Trusting, not that this child won’t die, but trusting in the promise of Eternity and the Resurrection and the coming of the New Heaven and New Earth: in Him, is where my trust rests, not in what may or may not happen: on Him, not on my circumstance.

Having a baby doesn’t change this grief that we are carrying. It doesnt make it “ok.” It doesnt make us “all better” or “over it,” because that is impossible. I will never be OK with Gideon not being here; I will never be better or over my son’s death. So know, that we
are still hurting deeply. We still ache with all our hearts. I constantly feel pain, no matter what I am doing because of the space that Gideon left. We still miss Gideon with everything that is in us. He has a completely special place in our hearts that cannot be replaced.  Every single moment, I wish Gideon was still here. Every single breath, my heart aches for him. Every single heartbeat, I crave to have him in my arms. I still weep every single day. Just the other day, I got out Gideon clothes and held them tightly to my chest and wept on the floor of my closet. I kissed the inside of his hat because his skin touched it.  I looked at his foot prints and sobbed. I still feel a great emptiness where Gideon should be. I just miss him.

Please do not think that this child is a replacement of Gideon, because it is impossible to replace one child with another; each of our children are in our hearts. Each has their own unique place there. Whether we have living children or children in heaven,  each one of our kids is special to us in their own way.  I was told by someone that maybe I am having twins; a boy and a girl, because that would mean God would replace Gideon with a new boy, and I told this person “well, I do not believe it works that way and we know there is only one baby in there.” And tt doesn’t work like that. You cannot replace one child with another. To think that one person can replace another is just crazy.  Say, your mom died and your dad remarried, would your new step-mom be a replacement for your mother? Of course not. Or, what if you had a brother that died and your parents had a new baby and that baby was a boy?  Would your newest brother replace your other brother? No, not at all. Just know that each of our children are special to us: our first child, who was miscarried, our first born child, Gideon and this little one are all very special to us.

Its a very strange feeling to be grieving one child and hopeful about another child.

Just know how much we love this little one. Since I knew about his/her life, I was in love. The day we found out I was pregnant, my husband said “I love you, I love you too” and I was like “huh?” and he said “I was talking to you and the baby.” So sweet. Daddy loves all of his kiddos. I sing to this baby, like I did Gideon. I rub my belly. We talk about names we like. I always tell my husband, when I feel movement, “your baby is moving!!” We all wish that the older brother was here as we plan our future, but we still plan. I know that my loving this child takes nothing away from my love of Gideon. I am friends with this beautiful, Godly woman and after I told her we were expecting, she said something that was so encouraging and true. She said, “Gideon is your first child. That will never change! He loves his mommie and his mommie loves him! That will never change! Can I encourage you to never doubt your love for Gideon or even for a second, or think that your second child will ever diminish Gideon’s memory in any way. The thought of allowing yourself to fully, fully, fully embrace your second child and at the same time cherish everything about Gideon hopefully do not feel like a conflict for you.”  And what she said is so true. And it doesn’t feel like a conflict, it feels like a compliment to each other. As my love for Gideon has intensified, my love for this child grows every day. Its like, Gideon taught me how to love SO strongly, more than I can even express, because of him I am able to love this child with the same strength. This child is so special. And this child has a special plan for him or
her that God has set for them. This newest addition to our family has a purpose in this world. Just like Gideon, just like me and just like you. We love this baby so much.

I just wish we could have both this child, and Gideon with us.

So as we grieve our first born child, we are hopeful and excited about bringing this child home to raise. This child will know of his or her older brother and will carry Gideon in his/her heart, like we do. We are so thankful for this baby, for this life that God has gifted us. We are so thankful that God decided to perform another miracle and give us this child. I am thankful for this baby. Even if I only have him or her for today, I am thankful for today. I am thankful that right now, our baby is living and healthy. I am thankful that I get to love Gideon and this child. I am thankful that my husband is an amazing daddy to our children. I am thankful that I get to experience a mommy’s love. I am thankful for what I have been given when God gave us this child and thankful for what we were given when we were given Gideon.

I picture Gideon in heaven, being so excited about his new sibling, that he is in heaven cheering us on and laughing and smiling at the idea that he has a new brother or sister coming. I think he is ecstatic that he is a big brother.  I can picture him being extremely happy for our family, and I know he is awaiting the day when we can all be together in eternity. And I am waiting for that day too.

I have this verse on a picture frame that I have of Gideon and it is true for him and it is true for this newest addition to our family:
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my
mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.”  Psalm 139:13-14


It’s so cool that even at 10 weeks along I can see the baby’s arms in our ultrasound photo, and that I can even tell that the baby had his/her legs crossed! It’s so cool to think about what the baby looks like now, at 15 weeks!! The next ultrasound will be in about a week and we will get to see how much this baby has grown in 6 weeks!

And because I am a proud mommy, here is the link that takes you to the story, and the photo, of our Gideon. He is so beautiful. I miss him.

Both of our children, beautiful creations of the Lord, both fearfully and wonderfully made.

Filed Under: all, Getting Pregnant Again

Protected: God’s Timing is Perfect

September 4, 2011 by 7 Comments

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Filed Under: 12 weeks, 13 weeks, 14 weeks, 15 weeks, Getting Pregnant Again

Protected: The Lord Gives and Takes

August 23, 2011 by 2 Comments

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Filed Under: 04 weeks, 05 weeks, 06 weeks, 07 weeks, 08 weeks, Getting Pregnant Again

Protected: Sam

August 15, 2011 by Leave a Comment

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Filed Under: 18 weeks, 19 weeks, 20 weeks, 21 weeks, Getting Pregnant Again

SBD Sacred Circles

August 11, 2011 by 3 Comments

 

The Origin of Blessingways and Sacred Birth & Bereavement Circles

While the name Blessingway is becoming more widely understood to mean a kind of “baby shower of spiritual gifts rather than physical ones“, the origin traces to the Navajo tribespeople, and out of respect for their traditions (you are invited to learn more, for example, at this link), here at stillbirthday, we draw from the Blessingway term you might be familiar with, but then we point to our own name for our own interpretation of this beautiful event, coining the name Sacred Circles.  This is quite appropriate as the burning zero candle is our trademarked image.  Many of the events for our Sacred Circles are inspirations of Doran Richards of the Blessing God’s Way website and resources.

I invite you also to visit our Loved Ones  and Farewell Celebrations resources for even more suggestions in offering love to bereaved loved ones.

 

This is the first and only Blessingway specifically created to honor pregnancy, to honor the mother,

and to validate the very real life, and death, of your baby.

  • The celebration will be a time of validating the mother and her mixed and real emotions, as well as a time to celebrate her very real child, even for the very short time the child is alive – in the womb or after birth.
  • The celebration will be personal; there is no exact “one right way” to host one.

Tips to making this celebration successful for the mother:

  • A Celebrating Pregnancy Blessingway, or, Sacred Circle is a time of intimate fellowship.  The mom’s closest friends and most special people should be all who are invited.  Please keep the guest list less than about 16 people.
  • The celebration might be in an inviting and soothing location, where the mom is comfortable being.
  • It might include praying over the mother and her family as she faces the birth and death of her baby.
  • It should include personalized gifts, brought by every person attending.  These can include written scriptures, poems, or a letter, to be read aloud by the giver, to the mother, at the celebration.  Other gifts may include: a journal, an inspirational book about infant loss, a handmade baby blanket, or a bead, specially chosen for the mother, and strung into a handmade necklace that the mother can wear – during the blessingway, and during birth in a subsequent pregnancy.

 Photo belongs to the amazing Canary Lane Photography Studio and SBD doula student.

  • Consider printing out  special scriptures and quotes, on pretty paper, and use to fill the room with them.  Consider also purchasing a Certificate of Life, or inviting the mother to do so.  Collect these items at the end of the celebration, so that the mother can fill her home with these lovely, encouraging words.

  • It is important that each guest demonstrate the importance this baby has had on that individual.  It is okay to cry.  It is okay to say “I’m sorry”.  It is okay to give the mom a hug.
  • A tea candle might be lit after each gift is presented to the mother.
  • Special, personal gestures of love toward the mother should be made during this celebration, including brushing her hair, putting flowers in her hair, and washing her feet with a lovely scent (lavender perhaps) and with warm, clean water.  Touching the mother and singling her out in love is important.  It should be decided prior to the celebration who will wash the mothers feet.  This is a very personal, and very honoring, gesture.
  • A special ceremony that includes wrapping the mother’s womb, with gentle music playing, can be very honoring.  The Womb Wrap we use in our Mothers Workshop is one very long piece of simple cloth.  Each person in the circle takes turns wrapping the cloth around the mother, whispering a special mantra, encouragement or prayer to her.  The wrap is not knoted.  The cloth instead, rised and weaves and so each whispered prayer loops together, never ceasing, wrapping the mother in a continued message of love.  In our Mothers Workshops, we also include a special warmth pad and we complete this portion of the ceremony with a brightly colored and breezy rebozo that jingles and sways gently as she moves.  You can purchase this Womb Wrap to include in your Sacred Circle, and the mother can utilize it after every birth, during menstruation, and absolutely any time she needs to be wrapped in warmth and love.  You can visit our Mother Roasting page for demonstration access to use your wrap.

  • If this Sacred Circle is done during the mother’s subsequent pregnancy, it might include a special red cord tied around each attendees (left) wrist.  This cord is a reminder that there is a connection between the circle of attendees and to hold on through the pregnancy.  During birth, this cord is cut from each person’s wrists as a ceremonial ritual of release – release of fears, which can manifest during labor, and that it is time to open and birth.

According to the “Ask The Rabbi” column on the Ohr Somayach, Jerusalem website:

Wearing a thin scarlet or crimson string as a type of talisman is a folk custom among Jews as a way to ward off misfortune brought about by the “evil eye”. The tradition is popularly thought to be associated with Judaism’s Kabbalah.

The red string itself is usually made from thin scarlet wool thread. It is worn as a bracelet or band on the left wrist of the wearer (understood in some Kabbalistic theory as the receiving side of the spiritual body), knotted seven times, and then sanctified with Hebrew blessings.

A custom that is based on Torah ideas or mitzvoth may also have special segula properties on a smaller scale. Regarding the red string, the custom is to tie a long red thread around the burial site of Rachel, the wife of Jacob. Rachel selflessly agreed that her sister marry Jacob first to spare Leah shame and embarrassment. Later, Rachel willingly returned her soul to God on the lonely way to Beit Lechem, in order to pray there for the desperate Jews that would pass by on their way to exile and captivity. Often, one acquires the red string when giving charity.

Perhaps for these reasons the red thread is considered a protective segula. It recalls the great merit of our matriarch Rachel, reminding us to emulate her modest ways of consideration, compassion, and selflessness for the benefit of others, while simultaneously giving charity to the poor and needy. It follows that this internal reflection that inspires good deeds, more than the string itself, would protect one from evil and harm.

Cutting the cords during the subsequent labor and birth, marking the release.

Photo belongs to the amazing Canary Lane Photography Studio and SBD doula student.

  • Consider taking photographs of the celebration, to send to the mother, to remember her special celebration and fellowship.
  • The celebration might close in a prayer over the ladies present and families represented, and over the meal that is to follow.
  • The meal should consist of one item brought by each guest.  Leftovers should be given to the mother to take home.

The focus of this celebration is to honor her as mom, to share feelings, and to encourage and uplift one another.  The tone should be kept inspirational, validating and loving.  You might invite a local SBD doula or Heidi Faith to help coordinate or guide your event.

 

Related: Mother’s Workshop    Related: Mother Roasting

Related: Stillbirthday Sacred Circles

Related: Heidi Faith’s Workshop page on Facebook

A place specifically about our workshops & Sacred Circles.

Photo belongs to the amazing Canary Lane Photography Studio and SBD doula student.

Filed Under: all, Claim the Space, Friends & Family, Getting Pregnant Again, Rainbow Birth Stories, SBD Campaigns
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