Michael’s Milk Gives Life

Told by: Hallie

I recently lost my baby boy at birth two weeks ago. I was 39 weeks along and went into labor expecting a healthy baby soon. We had planned on a water birth at home and an attending midwife. Being our 5 th child I expected a very quick labor. I was right! Within 3 hours I was pushing.

My midwife starting getting worried when we couldn’t find heart tones. I had a beautiful water birth and an amazing delivery. It was wonderful and happy until after he came out.

My midwife went to work on him right away but nothing could be done. 911 was called and they tried all the way to the hospital but he was gone.

We were in shock. You hear and pray for people in these situations but you never are suppose to be them.

We named him Michael….my angel.

My days ran together the next few days following until the funeral. I had to stay strong for my other children. We were however overwhelmed with support and love. I don’t think I could have done this without my family and friends.

When my milk came in it was, and still is, by far the hardest thing next to loosing Michael. I loved nursing my babies. I am still nursing my 18 month old daughter. So dealing with Michael’s milk was so painful. When it time to pump I could even let down to pump. I got so engorged. My daughter only nursed a couple times a day and not for very long.

A friend of mine came over and gave me a massage while I pumped and I filled a bottle! We both cried over that bottle of milk. I started freezing it because because dumping his milk just sickened me. Then I thought “how many babies could use this”?!? I got on a website on milk sharing. I found baby after baby in need of milk. It broke my heart of all the stories of mamas with cancer and babies intolerant of formula or adopted babies. I can nurse these babies!  My son’s milk will not be wasted. He has been helping baby for the past two weeks and will for as long as I can continue to pump. It is helping my grieving too. I feel like I have a purpose in all this chaos and sadness. I hope this helps or someone is inspired to keep pressing on.

He Sends Rainbows

Told by: Lucy

On 15th May I lost my baby at 12 weeks. We went for a scan and baby had no heart beat.  3 days later I went in for op. This tore me apart. Never before had I felt such heart ache.

August I found out I was expecting again. I had 3 early scans, and all was great. Twenty week scan we found out I was having a boy. Harry!

At 30 week I had a 4d scan. It was amazing. Harry was such a wriggler. We began to buy everything at this point. Decorated the nursery, brought clothes, pushchair, everything.

My due date came, 28th may 2011. No sign. This went on for 9 days. On 8th June I went out for lunch, and returned for a nap before picking my daughter up from school.  8 pm I sat having my 3rd curry of the week. When I went to bed I realized I hadn’t felt him move since lunch time.

Tried cold water, walking around. No movement. No heart beat on the doppler either.

Panic struck.

We went straight to our midwife place, she couldn’t find it either. Then went to hospital, had a scan, they couldn’t find it either.

12.20 am on the 9th June 2011 our world fell apart.

After 3 hours of talking (but I couldn’t tell you now what was said) I started induction. At 10 am I went into labour. 5 20 I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy ever.

Perfect in every way apart from he wasn’t breathing. 6. 12 and half pounds. Heart breaking.

I don’t think I stopped crying all that day.

That was the start of another nightmare. The next few weeks were every parents nightmare. Funeral planning. registering his death. Went in a haze really. We had him blessed. Held him for 3 days before we left the hospital. The hospital was brilliant. I got the best care I could have under the circumstances. That was 2 years ago.

5 weeks after, I found out I was expecting again. Terror struck me. But after excellent care again, and very regular scans I now have Benjamin Harry. He is 15 months. Our little rainbow. Sent from harry.

Its hard to live everyday with out Harry but I have to thank him for making me who I am today.

Opening my eyes to a love I’ve never felt before. Hugs to everyone else who has walked my path.

Stop the Bailouts

Because of the unique nature of the role of the SBD doula, we often come in contact with other birth professionals, trained through other birth preparation organizations who do not have the depth of training of birth and bereavement support that we do here at stillbirthday.

It is because of this, that I feel led to write a statement to make it clear of the stillbirthday position regarding an action that occurs among other birth professionals.  This should be considered an open letter to those birth professionals (doulas and midwives) who engage in this behavior.

To be clear, I’d like to articulate two terms:

  • doula – serves in many ways similarly to a nurse assistant.  A doula has varying levels of training in pregnancy and birth related issues.  You can see the high standards we have here at stillbirthday before we certify a doula as competent to care for families giving birth in any trimester and any outcome experience.  Our training is not only sufficient to certify a qualified professional as a doula, but birth professionals of all levels – midwives, nurses and doctors – can obtain our training and integrate the content into their role.
  • midwife – serves in varying capacities based, among other things, state laws and her level of training.  A midwife, depending on these and other things, might serve in a birth center or home birth, and, while using significantly less medical interventions as a doctor, serves in many ways in a doctor’s stead.  Midwives also work in hospitals.

 

It is flat inappropriate, to rally with public frenzy for bailout funds, for every incarcerated midwife, simply on merit of one calling herself a midwife.  It is irresponsible, shortsighted, and it abandons the reality that both a birth and a death have taken place.  It is just as shameful to exploit bereaved mothers’ experiences as an effort to stop homebirth, as one doctor has done.

It is inappropriate for the families that you serve, to see your focus seated squarely and entirely on the legal aspect of these situations with bailout rallies.  It shows that your service to families is actually conditional, and that service ends when it becomes uncomfortable for you.

It shows that your reactionary behavior to unexpected infant loss is entirely presumptuous and fear based.  “We need to preserve our ability to support *future* families” as a reason for this response abandons the families whom you are already charged with caring for.

I am thankful that the number of birth professionals who respond in this way are few, but, to be sure, the potential damage this response can cause already bereaved families is exponential and catastrophic.

It is important for all of us to remain squarely in our scope.

A baby died.  A baby died.  A baby died.



Take the rest out of it.  Wherever the midwife is – in jail while her accountability is being reviewed by those qualified to review it, or at home, curled up on the couch with a blanket – a baby died

There are midwives who go into jails to support pregnant mothers.  Why aren’t there rallies to get into the jail to simply offer bereavement support to the midwife?

Where is the acknowledgement to the bereaved mother, who has breastmilk and no baby to suckle?  Who has lochia and no baby to help shrink her uterus?  Who has postpartum hormones spiraling AND grief to mix in with them, and no coohs to listen to soothe her aching heart, no sweet baby smell to console her desperately broken heart?  How are you responding?  By telling her that midwifery is ancient, that she chose the coffin so let the baby lay in it.  By telling her that we don’t believe her, that we don’t care about her, and by the way, would you like to donate to our bailout fund.

In situations like this, stillbirthday has been the only platform that says,

“accountability or not, that is only part of your experience.  Let’s begin to work toward holistic healing”,

and we do this, for mothers who believe their midwife OR their doctor OR even themselves might be accountable.

We do this, for every situation, for every birth method, for every person, every time.

To respond in any other way is dishonoring both to the family and to professionals involved, each of whom may be grieving.  

To every mother who has ever experienced a pregnancy and infant loss, and who has, additionally, had her involvement speculated, who has ever been made to feel that her child is secondary to any other aspect of her experience, who has had her experience splashed through conversation in any atrocious, predatorial, speculatory fashion, I am so sorry.  The possibility of such glaring neglect to your needs can rapidly and easily become a secondary trauma, one which you may need comprehensive support through.  You have  a right to your own interpretation of your own events, and you have a right to be loved, simply and inherently, as a mother who gave birth, and as a mother who is grieving.

And to every birth provider, of any level, who has ever been incarcerated in regard to your involvement in a birth, I am sorry for the focus that might have been seated squarely in your physical location or even your title, rather than on addressing the grief you may have felt or may feel at the death of the baby whom you were charged with guiding in birth.

To all mothers, and all providers:

May you each, feel validated, for the entirety of what you experienced.

May you each, come to find the releasing, freeing truth, that any guilt – felt, inflicted or accused – is not the entirety of your experience.

May you each, find healing.

 

 

 

 

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Back to the Beginning

Told by: Sarah

I had a very traumatic birth experience.  It was everything opposite of what I had imagined and planned.

I planned a natural, drug-free, intervention-free, low lights, calming music, water birth at my midwives birth center.  But that’s not what I got. To this day, I still regret all of my decisions that led to the event of Brecken’s birth and I am filled with even more “What if’s?”

Sunday, January 6th, 2013, my husband and I were on our way to Sam’s Club to stock up on supplies in advance before our son was born.  Several days prior to this, I had developed a terrible cough.

While in the car I had coughed a few times, and each time I felt a gush as if I were peeing my pants.

After the third gush I knew something was not right.  We make it to Sam’s club and I instantly had to waddle my way to the bathroom.  Sure enough, it looked as if I peed my pants, but I knew that it was not my lack of bladder control.  I called my midwife to tell her I think my water was breaking.

She had us come in right away to check.  Sure enough, she said I was leaking amniotic fluid and to expect to be welcoming our baby boy in the next day or two. My husband and I looked at each other in excitement.  We couldn’t believe we were going to have our baby finally.  Especially nearly a week early!

My midwife said that if labor didn’t start by 5am on January 7th, 2013 then to take some castor oil.  It usually helps get things going.  5am rolled around and no contractions, so I took the castor oil.  Four hours later it kicked in and I started having my first contractions.

They weren’t so bad at first.  I kept telling myself  ”I can totally do this.  Natural labor is totally doable”   By 4pm my water broke all the way.

Once my contractions became more frequent we started recording how long and far apart they were.  When they reached 4 minutes apart at a minute+ longer we packed ourselves up and made our way back to the birth center. This was around 6pm.

My midwife had the place all set up, the water running in the huge birth tub, candles lit, scented oil burning. It was everything I imagined it would be.  I was so excited.  Once settled in, my midwife checked to see how dialated I was.  To my disappointment, I was only 1.5cm.  She said I’d have to go back home to labor more and that I was looking at possibly a whole other day of laboring.

My husband and I get home and the contractions were just so unbearable for me.  I had the worst lower back contraction pain imaginable.  There was no way I could continue in this kind of pain for a whole other day.  Against my own wishes, I broke down and told him to take me to the hospital so that I could get an epidural.

We arrive at the hospital at around 9pm or later.  I was put into a sterile, typical, unfriendly delivery room.  I remember I just kept looking around at how awful the room was in comparison to my midwives birth center.  I couldn’t stop being down on myself for the decision I had made. I cried.

I cried so much at how I was going against everything I had talked about. Going against everything I wanted.

It wasn’t until 3 hours later when I finally was administered the epidural.  I had to wait until I was at least 3cm dilated and on top of that the anesthesiologist was running late in another surgery. When she came in to do it, I sat there and cried the whole time.  She probably thought I was crying because I was in pain from the needle or that I was uncomfortable. She kept reassuring me that I was doing great and everything was going smoothly. That wasn’t the reason at all. The reason was because I was so disappointed in myself.

So, so disappointed.  I could not let up on myself. I could not stop putting myself down for being weak.  I was a hypocrite.

Several more hours go by and then there’s talk about administering pitocin because I wasn’t progressing very much.

I refused it.  I did NOT want that in my body. So the doctor said that we could set a timeline.  If I hadn’t progressed by 11am on January 8th, then he’d like to finally administer it.  I reluctantly agreed.   11am rolls around and sure enough I had not progressed. They administered pitocin.  I cried.  Again.  There was another thing I could scratch off my list of things I didn’t want to have done during my labor and delivery.  I just kept feeling like a failure one decision after another.  I was living my worst nightmare…or so I thought at the time.

We had no idea our worst nightmare was soon to come.

I finally was making progress while on pitocin.  By 6:20pm on January 8th, I started pushing. For the first time since entering that hospital I was actually happy and excited.  I was at the finish line of meeting my baby boy.  He was going to be here soon and the nightmare of the decisions I made would melt away once he was in my arms.

I pushed for 1.5 hours.

It was around at this time that Brecken’s heart rate dropped to 70-80 bpm.  The OB wanted to use the vacuum to get him out.  I was reluctant for it’s use because of how often babies get injured from them.  So she had me try a different position to see if that would make his heart rate go back up.  It didn’t.

She again said she wanted to use the vacuum.  I sadly agreed.  I wanted him out.  She used it once, but it popped off.  So she gave me an episiotomy (without telling me) and tried the vacuum again.  This time he came out.

And in the events and the blur of what happened next, this is what I remember:

I remember the OB looking down at him and sighing “Oh”.  She clamped his cord and instantly handed him off to the incubator.  That was the only glimpse I got of my son.  Watching his lifeless, blue body being handed over to another team of doctors.  I remember so many people being in that room.  So many doctors surrounded Brecken that I couldn’t see him or see what was going on.  I instantly cried out “What’s wrong with him?!!”  No one answered me.  At some point, someone did tell us, either that or we figured it out on our own that our son wasn’t breathing. They were working to get him to breathe.

Brecken’s Daddy and I were crying uncontrollably begging for him to breathe over and over.  My cries were ravaged with pain and fear.

I remember the nurse midwife who originally was with me when I first started pushing, was holding my right hand.  I remember squeezing it with all my might.  I remember looking up at her for answers, for words of hope.  She just locked eyes with me and I saw the tears streaming down her face.

I knew after seeing her like that, that things weren’t good.   Amidst the chaos, I remember one of the NICU doctors who was working on Brecken call out to another doctor for some sort of instrument.  She then said

”If this doesn’t work, we’re going to have to call it.  It’s been over 10 minutes.”  I had never been so scared in my life.

Why was this happening to me? Why my baby? Everything was so perfect.  Why wasn’t he breathing?

Why could they not get him to breathe?

Why?

Shortly after, they were able to get him to breathe, but not without the help of the ventilator.  Brecken was instantly whisked away to the NICU.  There, in the delivery room, my husband and I sat and waited for word.

We were told that prior to Brecken coming out, the hospital had already contacted a special Children’s Hospital and that they were already making their way over to come get him.  A couple hours later we were told we would be able to see him before he would be taken there.  Before they gathered us, someone down in the NICU took a couple pictures of Brecken, printed them and sent them up to us so we could finally see him as we waited to see him in person.

I was cleaned up, stitched up and put into a hospital gown and eased into a wheelchair.

The moment we entered the NICU I could see a whole slew of doctors and parts of the crew who would be taking him by helicopter.  I had to sign a few papers before proceeding to see my son.  Finally, they wheeled me over to him.  The moment we turned the corner and I saw him I started to cry.  My baby boy was hooked up to a ventilator, and had so many wires and monitors attached to him.  I was heartbroken for him.  His eyes were shut, but he was breathing.  His skin color was finally fleshed and pink.  I remember asking permission to touch him.  We were given free range minus the fact that we couldn’t hold him.  I traced my hand along every inch of his body I could.  Soaking in my son through touch.  We had several pictures taken of him and of us holding his hands.  This is also when we finally officially named him: Brecken Theodore.

Next thing I remember was feeling extremely nauseous.  It was starting to get so severe I remember asking someone for a bucket or anything to throw up in.  Someone handed me a small trash can.  By time it was in my hands I remember the room starting to spin uncontrollably and I got incredibly dizzy.  Next thing I remember, I was waking up on the postpartum bed.  I had apparently passed out in the NICU.  This was the first time in my life I had ever done this.

After being settled in the postpartum room, the helicopter team wheeled Brecken into our room so we could see him one last time before his take off.  It was incredibly hard to watch him leave me.  To see him hooked up to all sorts of equipment.  I was still in shock that this was really happening to my baby.

I was not authorized to leave the hospital that night due to my fainting.  During our stay in there, we noticed our room was the room located RIGHT next to the nursery/NICU entrance.  Each time that door was opened while our door was open we heard a baby crying.  It made me cry every time because I never got to hear my own baby cry.

I finally was discharged from the hospital on January 10th, 2013.

We packed everything up and my husband ran everything down to the car ahead of me.  The nurse was supposed to be getting  me a wheelchair to go down in.  I was too impatient to wait so I started to walk out into the hall thinking there was somewhere to sit and wait out there.  There wasn’t.  Another nurse saw my walking struggles and asked if I wanted a wheelchair and I shook my head “yes”.  I sat in the wheelchair in the hallway in stone silence.  Then I heard a baby cry from another postpartum room and I started to cry.

My husband finally came up and wheeled me to our car.  I began to cry because I was leaving the hospital without my baby boy.  This wasn’t supposed to happen.  I was supposed to be holding him while being wheeled out because that’s what new parents do.

You go to hospital pregnant and you leave hospital happy with baby in tow.  That wasn’t my case and that wasn’t my norm.

I didn’t know joy, or cried tears of happiness.

I didn’t know the smiles or the laughter.

I didn’t know the coos or the admiration.

I only knew of pain, of tears, of sadness, of silence, of uncertainty.

We drove away from the hospital that morning not knowing what our future would now hold or the road that laid ahead.  We had no idea what we were in for.

Sarah’s words were copied with her permission to be shared here.  You can learn more about her motherhood journey, including the transport to NICU in a different hospital, including finally taking her precious boy home, and ultimately, to her saying goodbye and her journey toward healing after his death.  She has added her blog, “To find joy in life again” to the stillbirthday bereavement blogroll.

 

 

Support for Home Stillbirth

Mothers of pregnancy losses make up a demographic that is largely misunderstood and as a consequence, poorly supported.

Within this demographic, are different, smaller groups.  These groups have some very important things in common, but there are very important distinctions between them as well; because pregnancy loss as an entire demographic is so poorly supported, the lines between the groups within it can be magnified when they ought not be, and they can be blurred or altogether forgotten when they shouldn’t be.

To better equip others in supporting pregnancy loss mothers, stillbirthday, through our many resources and programs, introduces you to these different groups, why they are different, and what their differing – and similar – needs are.

This article discusses home stillbirth – mothers who have given birth at home to their stillborn babies.  This group of mothers is shared among three subsets:

Planned Homebirth – Known Fatal Diagnosis/Known Stillbirth

These are mothers who learn during their pregnancies that their babies have a diagnosis that is incompatible with life, or who were planning a homebirth but at some point in pregnancy, the baby died.  These mothers choose to birth their babies at home and coordinate medical and legal aspects to do so.  The second portion of our Home Stillbirth planning article gives information to mothers and midwives on how to utilize this birthing option.  This option is under-utilized as of yet; the legal process can frustrate homebirth planning for a known stillbirth or fatal diagnosis, and so if a mother is utilizing midwifery care and planning on a homebirth, her care may be transferred to a hospital prior to, during or after the birth. To make things simpler, if a mother has hired a midwife with the intent of a planned homebirth, regardless of transfer of care, we refer to it in this article as a home stillbirth.

Unexpected Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth

The first portion of our Home Stillbirth article gives quick information for this emergency situation.

Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth

This subset is arguably the most controversial and difficult to discuss among homebirth midwives and mothers, but is the one  we will address in particular length here.  First, there are some basic things to know:

Homebirth is on the Rise

US home births

The National Center for Health Statistics, part of the CDC (Centers for Disease Control and Prevention) issued a report showing that between 2004 and 2009 the number of homebirths increased  by 29%, a rise of 0.56% in 2004, to 0.72% in 2009. In 2009, a total of 29,650 homebirths were reported in the United States. While these look like big numbers, however, the overall number of American women giving birth at home is on the rise, but still low: in 2004 only 0.56% of births were at home, rising to 0.72% in 2009.

62% of these homebirths reported in 2009 occurred in the presence of midwives. 19% of home births had a certified nurse present, and 43% of home births were supervised by other types of midwives, for example, direct-entry midwives or certified professional midwives. The study reports that a mere 5% of home births had taken place in the presence of doctors, probably because the majority of them occurred without notice.  Researchers have only just began analyzing data on this topic in 1989.  The rise in homebirths is attributed to many plausible factors, including the rise in Cesarean births and mothers seeking to avoid a highly medicalized birth if it can be safely avoided.

Midwifery, and CPM in Particular (see chart below)  is also on the rise

State Regulation Chart_APRIL 2012

There are Different Kinds of Midwives

For a number of reasons, midwives in the United States vary in their expertise, their education, their credentials, their legal status and the place where they can help a mother give birth. Knowing about the different kinds of midwives can help you be an informed consumer and aid you in finding and choosing a midwife.

Because Homebirth is on the Rise – so, too, is Unexpected Home Stillbirth

Each year in the United States, approximately 26,000 mothers give birth to stillborn babies.  With homebirth on the rise, it would simply make sense that some of these numbers will begin to move into homebirth statistics.

Although Homebirth is on the Rise, it is a Small Rise, and so Support for Home Stillbirth is Scarce

Remember this from the homebirth chart above: the overall number of American women giving birth at home is on the rise, but still low: in 2004 only 0.56% of births were at home, rising to 0.72% in 2009.  Stillbirthday blazes the trail and provides support now to these mothers and midwives.

Within the ‘Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth’ subset, there is another divide

As if these subsets are not already at horrendous disadvantages for support and care, this particular subset is divided even further.  This is, in part, what makes planning and confirmimg your homebirth decision, so important.  When you find a provider to support you during your birth – whether it is a midwife or an obstetrician – it is important to know how they will support you in the event of a stillbirth.  Here is this next divide:

Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth – No Negligence/Unpreventable

We are down to an extremely small demographic.  This group as a whole finds a small amount of comfort in the truth that “stillbirths happen in hospitals too.”  This is also the group within pregnancy loss that we can know for certain will follow the trends of homebirth – as homebirth continues to rise, it is a certainty that this group will rise with it.  Even so, this group is still very unsupported in many important aspects of their grief (the interviews below can shed a little light on this, although it comes from a mother who had a negligent midwife).  We all would hope that any unexpected stillbirth would be in the category of “no negligence”, but this is just not the case.  As healing as the sentiment “stillbirths happen in hospitals too” may be for this group, it is strikingly offensive and glaringly minimizing to the next group of mothers, which is just one example of the differences between these groups and why understanding each of them is so very important.

Planned Homebirth – Unexpected Stillbirth – Midwife Negligence/Preventable

We have begun with a growing but small number of mothers who choose homebirth, to those who experience an unexpected stillbirth, which is also a very small but growing number, and now down to the isolated group of mothers who find fault with their midwives relating directly or indirectly to the deaths of their infants.  It is important for this number to remain low.  But because it is so low, those who find themselves in this group are therefore the least understood, and as a result, the least supported.

Stillbirthday’s Official Statement: all mothers,  and all midwives, deserve grief support, whether there is negligence involved in the stillbirth or not.

The view of one negligent midwife

Stillbirthday obtained two exclusive interviews with one mother who found negligence with her midwife, and one midwife who separately admits she might have responded differently to one of her clients, prior to the stillbirth – these two do not know each other. Both share intimate details of their experiences with us, so that we can all glean wisdom from their darkest of hours and the haunting journey to healing afterward.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: The search for physical reasons/causes.  What has that been like for you?  Did you want to find any other reason other than negligence?  Why or why not?  Have you been “satisfied” with the “cause of death”?

Mother: When she initially passed away, I figured she had some sort of incompatibility with life defect. When my midwife gave us the newborn exam paper, we noticed several inconsistencies and went to the Detective about them. I knew a “midwife” in PA who was discussing our loss and the day of the funeral, my midwife was waiting on our steps when he ran home between the burial and luncheon. She was angry that other midwives were discussing this and the possibility of her being arrested. I did get angry with her. She would show up here and beg for me to not be angry. I remember her discussing her cancer and saying God sometimes does these things and reminding me how much she loved me and our family. Then, we got the death certificate. I called the Medical Examiner and discussed it with them. That began my descent into hell. I still frequently read things hoping that maybe, just maybe, that could be it instead. I feel that, if there had been a non-preventable cause of death, it would of been easier to accept, if that makes sense.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: The search for physical reasons/causes.  What has that been like for you?  Did you want to find any other reason other than negligence?  Why or why not?  Have you been “satisfied” with the “cause of death”?

Midwife: It is a very strange dichotomy.  I of course never wanted to have fault found against my care, but I simultaneously of course never wanted the mother to live with the thought that there was something she did or that the death of her son was somehow something she could have prevented.  I am a protector of birth.  I want to protect the mother, and the baby.  “These things just happen” seems so trite and so minimizing.  In my situation, I believe it is important to point out that days passed before the mother expressed concern in a decrease of fetal movement.  Should the mother have called me sooner?  Should I have called her?  How do we live with what happened?  How do we assimilate this?  Is there fault–real liability–involved?  In this mother’s case there just wasn’t, but that doesn’t stop me from wondering.  Even now, years later, I still wonder.  I imagine that the mother does as well.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: How did your family respond to the death of your daughter?

Mother: Our families have been great. At first, my mother in law was angry with us. My brother blamed me. But everyone has come around and are all very supportive.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: How do your loved ones respond when you have a professional loss?

Midwife:  I was very private about my feelings regarding this mother and her experience, which has been my only encounter with stillbirth.  I only shared my feelings with a couple of close colleagues.  One sent me a card; they both offered emotional support and helped me to honestly express my feelings without having to worry about it being misinterpreted, which was something I did fear.  My family was very supportive throughout.  I knew that this wasn’t my fault, even though a part of me maybe even almost wanted it to be–it seemed like it would make better sense, if there was someone to blame.  A part of me was also angry that the mother didn’t call me sooner.  It wasn’t her fault though, either.  This was tragic, and this was her tragedy, even though it greatly impacted me as well.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: What can moms possibly expect from their loved ones, and do you have any advice for them facing family after a homebirth loss?

Mother: Expect to deal with those who were against your decision to begin with, to be angry and possibly blame you. When you are facing that, turn to people who will support you regardless, giving you a safe grieving environment.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Did you seek legal counsel regarding your midwife’s negligence?  What is that process like?  What legal support do moms have?  Does seeking legal support help or interfere with the grieving process?

Mother: We did seek legal counsel. However, we were turned away repeatedly due to the lack of insurance our midwife had. Honestly, most mothers, depending upon type of midwife, will either have some recourse legally or none at all. If your midwife does not carry insurance, you really don’t stand a chance.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: The search for spiritual reasons/causes.  What has that been like for you?  Did you feel punished?  Did you feel rejected or ignored by God?  Did you want to retaliate against God?  How have your feelings toward God evolved?

Mother: At first, I tried finding a reason why God would allow this to happen. We prayed and prayed and prayed. I would read books on grief and all they did was infuriate me. God could not give me an answer. That was all I wanted, just an answer. Yes, I felt punished for being so cocky and confident and so self-righteous. In time, I began relying on my Christian friends to help me through this and after a bit, I wanted nothing to do with Christianity at all. I began practicing an alternative religion then just couldn’t do it anymore. Slowly, I began getting back to who I was in my faith. Is it as strong as it use to be? Not yet, but I’m working on it. I still want answers, but I don’t know if there ever will be a good enough answer. I just have to take this and use it for good, make something beautiful come out of it.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: How did you feel about yourself as a mother during the initial grief process?  Did the death of your daughter challenge your belief in yourself as a mother?  Wife?  Do you have any advice for moms facing guilt/ blaming themselves for choosing to homebirth?

Mother: I felt like I failed as a mother, totally and completely failed. However, now, I feel that I am a great mother and even if she isn’t here, I’m a great mother to her. I, actually we as a family, WE keep her memory alive. We still spoil the crap out of her. We still talk about her. As a wife, I was scared to death that my husband would resent me for the choices I made. He never has and so I haven’t had to question myself as his wife. As for advice, I am still dealing with the guilt/blame aspect of grief. I know I didn’t choose to have the midwife mess up, but I still chose her. I don’t know what it would take in order to alleviate the guilt/blame. I want other moms to know it’s normal and it’s ok to talk about.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: How did you feel about yourself as a midwife during the initial grief process?  Did your experience with stillbirth challenge your belief in yourself as a midwife?  Do you have any advice for midwives facing guilt/ blaming themselves or the mother?

Midwife: I was very shaken.  It was emotionally demanding, trying to soothe my own soul, while loving this mother through her many questions, fears, feelings, while additionally helping her transfer her care to a hospital, and helping her prepare to meet her stillborn son.  The enormity of the task is too difficult to even put into words.  I was afraid.  I was stuck in fear, and my fear shaped the support I provided.  It shaped the support I provided for quite a few mothers after her, as well.  I became almost obsessed with ensuring that mothers really understood about fetal kick counts, and that they understand that they can call me, for anything, anytime.  What is not the norm had such an enormous impact on me that, for a time, I perceived it as the norm.  My advice is twofold: establish trusting relationships with peers and colleagues.  Have someone you can run to and say, “I am scared out of my mind.  I am horrified that this precious child is gone.  How do I really–I mean,how do I REALLY–provide what this mother needs?”  You need to be supported.  Second, talk about death (maternal and fetal).  Stillbirthday is doing an enormous thing by talking about something that is so very taboo.  The truth is, we want it to be taboo, I think.  We don’t want to talk about it.  But, we just have to.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: What were the first days like?

Mother: I remember bits and pieces, so they were pretty much a fog. I had people helping us with the house and kids, but who it was and who had which kids where, I don’t remember. I remember going to the funeral home and doing ok until the director came in the room showing us the casket our baby would be put into. Never, in a million years, do I think I would be putting my newborn baby in a casket. That wasn’t what was suppose to happen. I remember taking in the burial outfit and how kind and warm the receptionist was. That has stayed with me. She told me she could feel The Lord in the room. That next day, we got to go see our daughter and do her footprints, both of us trying to pretend that we didn’t see the autopsy scars on her body. The next day, I remember getting angry at people who were arriving early because that was our time. I remember my brother in laws mother coming and I remember thinking, “she doesn’t know me and still came”. I remember being almost carried out of the funeral home after having to say goodbye. Then I remember having to leave her in the cemetery with the director. I slept when I was drugged up. When my husband returned to work, he made sure I always had a babysitter for those first few weeks.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Do you think that a homebirth loss has a different initial grief reaction than hospital birth?

Mother: I do and I don’t. I think it would depend upon the cause of death. Having friends with preventable hospital losses, their feelings often seem to mirror mine.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: Do you think that a homebirth loss has a different initial grief reaction for the mother than hospital birth?

Midwife: Yes, when it is an unexpected loss, absolutely.  I believe the mother is riddled with guilt, shame, and is haunted by horror and regret.  I believe this would be especially so if the baby died during the planned homebirth, which wasn’t my experience and so I can only speculate.  In a hospital birth, there seems to be more certainty, whether this is purely illusion or not.  The highly clinical environment gives the mother the sense that everyone around her is in control and knows everything.  It offers her a certain amount of detachment from the processing, I think.  She can be told what happened, and spend her grief working on accepting that or not, whereas with an unexpected home stillbirth, she is put into a different position of being one, likely feeling like the only one, really trying to make sense of what happened.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Were there daily reminders that a mom might not have in a hospital birth, that played into your emotional response or grief?

Mother: Yes, my home was a huge reminder. Walking into the bathroom,  I could still see the medics sitting with me as I sat in the tub. I could remember the “exam” my midwife did in my bedroom. I took pictures of the kids with their sister in the living room. I remembered the medics running to the door and taking her out of my arms to the ambulance. Everything about that house was a reminder. I ended up redoing the house afterwards and then we just moved. When I drive by that house, it’s one huge flashback.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: Did you feel professionally supported in your grief in the early days?

Mother: I did. My doctor immediately put me on medication and let me talk.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: Did you feel professionally supported in your grief in the early days?

Midwife: As I said earlier, I felt enormous fear.  I reached out to two of my sister colleagues, and received support from them, and from my family.  I didn’t receive support from any additional sources, although now in hindsight I believe I should have utilized additional support to really help me process my fear.  If it was a situation where the mother held me accountable for the death of her son, I might have felt forced to share my experience more publicly just so I’d know what to do.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: Did you feel that you adequately supported the mother in her grief in the early days?

Midwife: I want other midwives to know that we can’t fully support a mother in her grief.  She needs a village of caring, heartfelt souls around her.  Her physical care needs tending to, but she also needs emotional and spiritual support.  While I say this, it is equally  important not to neglect the mother.  In our fear, and our own emotions, we can dread facing the mother again or being reminded of what is already haunting us.  We need to continue to provide care, and we need to enlist the help, discernment, wisdom and love of others who are connected to the mother.  We also need to be careful not to take support away from the mother to fulfill our own needs.  I heard once of a midwife, who was at that point acting as the doula, chatting away frantically at the hospital chaplain when he was there to speak with the mother.  We would be wise to imagine how our reaching for support is interpreted by the mother, whether there is liability, raising funds for legal aid, or anything else involved, because it can quickly appear as if it is us versus them, when that is by far the last impression we want to send.  We are for the mother.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When a mother has a home stillbirth, where does she turn for immediate postpartum care, particularly if the midwife was negligent during the birth?  Who gives a postpartum depression screening (EPDS) or follow up care for the mother?

Mother: If there is a rush to the hospital, normally the doctors/nurses will offer to check mom out. I did not receive a PPD screen and had no OB followup care. When I saw my primary care doctor, like I said he gave me meds and let me talk, but I ended up getting worse and did attempt to put my van into a tree. He just increased the medication and I threw it out.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: How did you feel about your midwife during the initial grief process?  Could you walk me through the transition – when and how did it happen – when you went from trusting your midwife to realizing that there was negligence?  What feelings did you have?

Mother: At first, I did care about her and was trying to find a reason that she died. I did run a few by her and she was pretty ok with it. However, the lies and covering her behind began very early. My daughter was born/died on Thursday and Monday morning before the funeral is when my husband contacted the detective about the newborn exam paper. Finding out she lied was a kick in the teeth. We ended up with three different copies of the exam. Then, she was constantly emailing wanting to do this or that together and wondering if we had gotten anything back from the Coroner. Once we got the death certificate, I asked for my records, which were also falsified. You can see where she crossed things out and wrote in something new. When she learned we were trying to have a peer review done, she began emailing me, only being more persistent this time. I was furious that I trusted her, she failed, yet she was trying to manipulate us into standing by her and just accepting our daughter’s death. Learning her history and knowing that deaths/injuries are still occurring makes me see red.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: What was it like when you first shared your experience with those who support homebirth – those who encouraged you in your path to homebirth?  Did you expect the reactions you received from others?

Mother: They were supportive until I began speaking out after learning that this was due to negligence. They attacked me. I didn’t know what I was talking about. Sorry my baby died, but babies die in hospitals too. I had no right to project my feelings on to others, etc. It was like Dr Jekyl/Mr Hyde, as soon as I said one word not supportive of homebirth or midwives.  I don’t think I expected anger towards me. I did nothing wrong, yet, I have born the brunt of this. I hoped my “friends” would be angry that this midwife failed us. I hoped they would want to see some sort of accountability and see this not continuing to happen. I expected support and did not receive it.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about positive home births, with live babies as the outcome, how does that make you feel?

Mother: I remember having a positive homebirth with a living baby, so I was in their shoes once. I hope, I hope, they never end up in our shoes. When these are risky births, I think to myself that they got lucky. Sometimes, I do wonder why they get a living baby and I didn’t. I did everything right and lost her.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about homebirth that resulted in unexpected stillbirth, and they used your midwife, and they do not find your midwife accountable, how does that make you feel?

Mother: It does make me angry. I feel that not examining the entire labor/birth and the midwife’s actions just encourages these midwives to continue on causing more babies to die. It’s a real blow to find out that others allowed a midwife to continue and supported her in the losses or other infants under their watch. Part of me, almost wants to hold the parents, that allowed my midwife to walk away from their babies deaths, accountable. I don’t understand how anyone can let someone just walk away from accountability in their role in the death of a baby. It’s inexcusable. I have tried to get the word out, but I still feel responsible each time I learn about a death or injury under my midwife’s watch.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about homebirth that resulted in unexpected stillbirth, and they used another midwife (not yours), and they do not find theirrmidwife accountable, does that become a factor to you in any way?  Do you doubt her?  Does it make you wonder?  Does that become a factor in reaching out to her?

Mother: There have been a few times where I have wondered but kept my thoughts to myself and just helped the mother. I have only even encountered a few women who had blatant negligence involved, and honestly, it makes me want to hit my head into a brick wall.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: When other mothers share about hospital stillbirth, and that they find their OB at fault, how does that make you feel? Do you feel that these mothers have better support than mothers who find their homebirth midwives at fault?  Why or why not?

Mother: I can sympathize with them and I do, totally. If their OB/nurses/midwife in the hospital messed up, I want to see some accountability and I try to give them the support they need to feel free to speak out. I don’t want them silenced. Their stories and losses are just as important as mine. I do feel that they are better supported than homebirth loss mothers, though. I feel this way because the homebirth/midwifery community behaves as if midwives can do no wrong. I’ve seen them supported unconditionally, meals made for them, rallies in their support, pledges of money, etc. We get NOTHING, yet it was our baby lost.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: When mothers share about hospital stillbirth, and that they find their OB at fault, how does that make you feel? Do you feel that these mothers have better support than mothers who find their homebirth midwives at fault?  Why or why not?

Midwife: Obviously, I certainly don’t want stillbirth to occur anywhere.  I don’t think that mothers are very well supported wherever there is a stillbirth, and whether there is liability involved or not.  I would like to think that midwifery care provides more support for these mothers than obstetrical care, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.  There seems to be consistant support in hospitals: hugs, pamphlets, chaplains, some have staff on hand just for bereavement, and this is all whether there is negligence by the OB or not.  When the death occurs under a midwife’s care, I think the guard of fear automatically goes up for the midwife, whether there is negligence involved or not.  The midwife is more intimately connected to the mother than the OB is, so the loss is more intimate.  It’s personal.  The midwife is grieving, too, and I think there is a fear of interrupting one’s grieving process to support the needs of the other.

Stillbirthday asks the mother: In what ways has your perspective changed through your years of grieving?

Mother: I used to hate all homebirth and hate all midwives. Now, I’m fine with homebirth, but only with a CNM as their educations and training are sufficient. The CPM/lay midwife education/training here is highly inadequate. There is no professional behavior in the lay midwife world, at least not as a whole. I feel that things could be so much better for mothers and babies here if standards actually existed within the community. I still get tired of the same crappy comments and wish people would truly open their eyes to see the harm they inflict upon us. I’m even more resolved to change things. These years have shown me what I am working towards and helped instill such a passion and fire within me. I want to be able to forgive myself. I want to be rid of the guilt I carry. I have mothers ask me how they can help themselves deal with that feeling and I’m clueless. My determination began with speaking out against ALL midwives and all homebirth. Now, it’s towards ensuring safety. I do NOT want other women to walk this road. I wouldn’t wish this on my own worst enemy and if I can help prevent one loss, just one, then this fight is worth it. As for expressing and utilizing my grief, I guess my anger and passion does help carry me. I also open up and expose that wound to the world. These two sometimes gets me negative attention, but at other times, it’s totally positive. The advice I have to offer to a mom when negligence was involved- You are not alone. It is OK to question things. It is ok to question the midwife’s actions. It’s ok to step out and say “My baby should not have died”. It’s ok to want accountability. Every thought/feeling you have is normal. Brace yourself for the onslaught of those who did not support your choice to begin with. Please know it is not your fault (easier said than done) and those of us in this “community” will wrap our arms around you and support you as much as you need. We won’t make you go through this alone.  We will hold your hand through this journey. I’ve learned exactly who my friends are and who they’ve always been. I’ve learned who truly cares and I once considered it a curse, but it’s a blessing. God has helped prune these people from my life in order to make room for these beautiful people. I want to see beauty come from this and what’s more beautiful than a new mother with her new LIVING baby. I want them to have what was robbed of us.

Stillbirthday asks the midwife: In what ways has your perspective changed through your years of grieving?

Midwife: I used to “trust birth”, but that has evolved and now I “respect birth”.  Pregnancy is unpredictable and statistics are actually people.  Pregnancy and birth are beautiful seasons in a woman’s life, and even the birth of a stillborn baby holds a sacred, powerful place.  I think about that little boy and his mother and am reminded that nothing on this earth is perfect, pain can permeate the most beautiful of experiences.  We need to strive with everything within us to protect life, but when it slips past one of us, we need to draw nearer together than ever before, look into each other’s tear stained eyes, and whether there is liability, guilt, or blame, we need to–each and every one of us, mothers, midwives, doctors, whomever–determine to carry on the life lost in as dignifying, respectful, and honoring a manner as possible.  We will only do this through honest confession, complete forgiveness, and in loving surrender.  

[The photo of the baby during delivery was donated by a bereaved mother who received negligent midwifery care.  The owner of the photo, the mother interviewed, and the midwife interviewed, all shared important truths, voluntarily and anonymously, and are protected under stillbirthday’s submission information, which you may view if you have any objection to the things they’ve shared.  Highlighted aspects: both the midwife and the mother feel simultaneous guilt and blame, even as their grief has evolved.  They have both come to a place of identifying their multifaceted feelings.  Both have been changed by their experiences, and seek to help others be changed through their experiences as well.  Both have felt alone, terribly isolated, in fact, and seek to ensure that others after them do not feel this isolation.  Both have a powerful testimony and I am thankful to each of them for sharing.  It is their hope, as it is mine, that you will have learned something valuable about the importance of supporting others enduring home stillbirth.]

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