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High School Mothers Matter

September 4, 2014 by 1 Comment

High school mothers matter.

High school mothers matter, because mothers matter.

If she experiences pregnancy during the formative years of adolescence, the young mother deserves unobtrusive validation and unconditional love.

 

In Recent News

Less than a week ago, a teen mother experienced a natural miscarriage in a second floor bathroom stall at her public high school.

And, as the baby was discovered yet in the basin of the toilet by the school janitor, the high school principal alerted the local authorities.

The authorities arrived by vehicle.  By helicopter.  By what high school students called a “swarm.”

 

I personally hold a great deal of respect for our authorities and I understand the urgency in defending the life of this baby, and the importance of investigating to ensure that the mother is safe.

The fact that media coverage is painting an overarching response by police doesn’t seem coincidental and it seems like a ploy to turn one mother’s loss into propaganda against authorities trained to serve and protect our communities.

I sought a medical provider.  I learned that my baby was not alive, and my provider literally said, “We need to get that debris out of there.”

I gave birth in my bathroom.

And my baby had no medical right, no legal right.  I felt entirely abandoned and alone.

I do not appreciate the media coverage painting this story as if police were eager to barge into the school to shoot down an innocent girl.

The authorities were told that a teen girl had had a baby in the bathroom stall on a school day, and they came on the scene.  A situation like this would have a million different questions, each gigantically important and they had to respond.

I am glad that they did.

 

The Mistakes That Were Made

With that said, mistakes were made.

A spokesperson for the local initiative to promote the Baby Moses law offered a presumptuous, ill-informed message about the mother that was saturated in arrogance and offense.

Baby Moses law is a valuable opportunity for struggling new mothers of many situations.  It provides a small window of time in which the mother is exempt from criminal charges by relinquishing her baby to a designated institution such as a hospital, fire station, police station or even some churches.   This as an alternative to abandoning babies in trash cans, and it is an option that has and is saving lives.

Opportunities to provide mothers with real options, such as the many different approaches to adoption, teen single parent education and the Baby Moses initiative, do empower individuals and families to make the best decisions in the situations they are facing.

However, for a spokesperson of an infant crisis initiative to declare that the display of authorities entering into the public high school or even that the death of her baby was preventable had she chosen to carry to term is cruel, ill-timed and flat not true.

It’s speaking into an area the man knows not of.

 

Statistics

By the age of 19, seven out of one hundred girls become pregnant.  And that’s not from a firmly pro-life source, that’s sourced from planned parenthood itself.

Add in the statistics that every minute a mother in the US experiences a pregnancy and infant loss, the reality that a teen mother can endure a spontaneous miscarriage or stillbirth is real.

The reality that teens can face not only parenting, but bereavement, is real.

 

A Social Shortcoming

Teen parenting is hard.  Flat hard.  But coming from the place that every teen mother either should have an elective abortion or wants to have an elective abortion is offensively irresponsible and horrendously inappropriate.

Teen mothers face doubts of their abilities, not only as mothers, but as mothers who are charged with the balance of wearing the shame from their parents and/or local leaders, the isolation from their previous social construct, the pressure of maintaining grades during a pregnancy that requires prenatal medical appointments, and trying to make due with the lack of emotional support from a partner who is facing many of the exact same challenges, pressures and burdens.

These, among many other things.

 

High Schools Need Help

Here are just a few questions to consider:

  • Does high school sex education or parenting education discuss anything at length about miscarriage, stillbirth, or grief?
  • Is this young mother receiving physical, psychological, emotional and spiritual support according to her beliefs and needs after having experienced miscarriage?
  • What has happened or will happen with the physical form of the baby?
  • How will this janitor be gently validated?
  • How is the school going to address the longterm impact of grief amongst the students – this mother and her friends and peers – after learning that a baby was born not alive on their campus?

 

There are options.  Options not just for teen mothers, but options for those who are in roles of authority or charged with their care.

Inspired by Lisa Miller, stillbirthday has a Church and Campus Doula tuition discount program as an opportunity into our comprehensive birth & bereavement training to prepare individuals to serve as doulas (through our online doula program for a dramatic discount on tuition) who have a heart to serve within specific congregations of any faith or to serve as a real, tangible support for students on any school campus.  In fact, it was Lisa who first came to know about the recent situation and the young mother in the high school.

 

An Open Letter to the Young Mother

 

To a warrior,

What you have faced, I do not know all the details of.  Were you in love?  Did you know you became pregnant?  Did he know?

Oh, sweet young friend, I wonder so many things about you.

Did you know that labor was happening?  Did you feel alone?

I think of you and in my mind I see you trying to go back to class.  And I weep for you, I weep for you, my friend I think of with fondness.

You are courageous.

You have endured so much.  So, very much.

And when the police came, how terrifying that must have felt.

Like a nightmare that not only didn’t end, but brought everyone you knew into it.

And then the shame and condemnation already thrust upon you, before you even spoke.  People who are supposed to be trustworthy, representing places and resources and options that are supposed to be trustworthy.  To hear from them that you did things wrong, that you did things bad, and that giving birth in a bathroom stall during school hours is a criminal act.

I want to tell you, and I want all teen girls to hear me.

Even if the thought of elective abortion had crossed your mind – or, even if you had decided on and had acted on elective abortion – you are still worthy of love.

Even if laws regarding the right of life in utero are involved in your story, even if medical involvement ensuring your obstetrical and physical health are involved in your story, those are aspects (aspects that likely feel huge, but they are only aspects) and are not – are never – the whole story.

You matter.  You count.

And to the students of the school, if you felt that the police presence was a really big deal – may you know, that giving birth to a baby not alive really is a big deal.  Your fellow student matters.  She has endured more than you know, and she is in need of and worthy of honor, validation and love.

I can promise you, that many of your teachers, faculty, or friends’ parents have likely experienced pregnancy and infant loss.  Your own mother might have.

 

It Is Time

We need to talk about it.  Politics and agendas and propaganda aside.  We need to talk about the realities, the needs of those impacted by pregnancy and infant loss.

I challenge you to open the conversation.  Ask the women of all ages in your life.

“Have you ever, or do you know of anyone, who has been impacted by pregnancy and infant loss?”

 

Statistics: A Closer Look

Between miscarriage of all its names, elective abortion, stillbirth and neonatal death, for every baby who reaches two months old past birth, there is another who is not alive.  Literally, the statistics are 1:2 in the United States.

So if you have not personally been impacted by pregnancy and infant loss, you are an arms length away from at least one person in your own life, who has.

Do you know who they are?

It is time we ask, and listen.

 

original photo source unknown

Additional Resources:

  • We have a library of stories shared by teen mothers who have experienced pregnancy and infant loss
  • You can share your story
  • We have resources for loved ones
  • We have a training for individuals to work on campuses to serve students
  • We have guidance and support for all pregnancy and birth situations
  • You can enter in search words in your search engine for local support

 

Filed Under: all, Teens

I Feel His Presence

May 13, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Angela

I have had 5 pregnancies and only have three living children. My first pregnancy I was 16 years old and had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. My second I had a beautiful baby boy at 17 years old, full term and healthy. My third I had another beautiful boy at 21 years old it was a great pregnancy but resulted in emergency C-section, so my next was a scheduled section and it went really well, healthy baby boy at 23 years old. So when I got pregnant again June of 2013 is when we found out, I wasn’t expecting anything to go wrong. I was hoping for a girl this time around, plus my pregnancy was completely different from the boys, I was sick all the time and couldn’t eat or sleep.

I got the flu in December and went to the ER they said all was well with me and the baby. We didn’t have insurance throughout the pregnancy so I didn’t see a doctor the entire time. I started having what I thought was Braxton hicks in February, they were very strong but weren’t lasting very long or close together so I didn’t think I needed to go in yet. I lost some of my mucus plug but my water hadn’t broken yet. March 12th, my husband was working graveyards, I realized I hadn’t felt my baby move since the day before, it was like all the sudden it dawned on me, I felt like an idiot. I tried everything to get the baby to move, laying on my left side eating sweets even drank a soda, nothing worked.

I felt so defeated and devastated. I knew my baby was gone, I lay in bed all night holding my bulging baby belly and crying.

My husband got home the next morning and we got a babysitter for the older boys and went in to the L&D. They tried finding baby’s heart and could not find it so they did an ultrasound, they thought they found a very weak heartbeat and there was no amniotic fluid, the doc kept asking me if my water had broke and I finally yelled at him no! so he rushed me into surgery, when they put me to sleep I was praying to God, please let my baby be ok.

I woke up to the pediatric nurse and my doctor hovering over me telling me my baby boy didn’t make it. I was so lost and confused, I couldn’t believe what they were saying. Finally they took me to my husband, he was alone and crying and scared. They finally explained to me (they had already talked to him) that the baby had a hole in his heart, severe swelling of the brain and most likely was Down Syndrome (which would have been just fine with me) plus the cord was wrapped around his neck loosely.

I was in shock.  They said that he wouldn’t have made it on the life flight to the nearest big city that could actually do the surgeries he needed, plus his chances of making it through those were very low.

They brought him into the room and I just held him sobbing, my husband wouldn’t touch him; he was really afraid. We only took three pictures of him.  I regret not taking more, I also regret not having my older children come and meet their baby brother. We had him cremated and now his body is at home with us and around my neck, I wish everyday that he was in my arms instead. Sometimes I can feel his presence with me. I blame myself everyday for not knowing something was wrong sooner. Thank you all for listening, I hope my story can help someone else. Sterling Holden March 13th, 2014 5lbs 12oz 18inches We will love you Forever and Always

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Filed Under: 13 weeks, 36 weeks, Teens

My Fourth Son Born Sleeping

March 14, 2014 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Angela

I have had 5 pregnancies and only have three living children. My first pregnancy I was 16 years old and had a miscarriage at 13 weeks. My second I had a beautiful baby boy at 17 years old, full term and healthy. My third I had another beautiful boy at 21 years old it was a great pregnancy but resulted in emergency C-section, so my next was a scheduled section and it went really well, healthy baby boy at 23 years old.

So when I got pregnant again June of 2013 is when we found out, I wasn’t expecting anything to go wrong. I was hoping for a girl this time around, plus my pregnancy was completely different from the boys, I was sick all the time and couldn’t eat or sleep. I got the flu in December and went to the ER they said all was well with me and the baby.

We didn’t have insurance throughout the pregnancy so I didn’t see a doctor the entire time. I started having what I thought was Braxton hicks in February, they were very strong but weren’t lasting very long or close together so I didn’t think I needed to go in yet. I lost some of my mucus plug but my water hadn’t broken yet. March 12th, my husband was working graveyards, I realized I hadn’t felt my baby move since the day before, it was like all the sudden it dawned on me, I felt like an idiot. I tried everything to get the baby to move, laying on my left side eating sweets even drank a soda, nothing worked. I

felt so defeated and devastated. I knew my baby was gone, I lay in bed all night holding my bulging baby belly and crying. My husband got home the next morning and we got a babysitter for the older boys and went in to the L&D. They tried finding baby’s heart and could not find it so they did an ultrasound, they thought they found a very weak heartbeat and there was no amniotic fluid, the doc kept asking me if my water had broke and i finally yelled at him no! so he rushed me into surgery, when they put me to sleep i was praying to God, please let my baby be ok. I woke up to the pediatric nurse and my doc hovering over me telling me my baby boy didn’t make it.

I was so lost and confused, I couldn’t believe what they were saying. Finally they took me to my husband, he was alone and crying and scared. They finally explained to me(they had already talked to him) that the baby had a hole in his heart, severe swelling of the brain and most likely was Down Syndrome(which would have been just fine with me) plus the cord was wrapped around his neck loosely … I was in shock, they said that he wouldn’t have made it on the life flight to the nearest big city that could actually do the surgeries he needed, plus his chances of making it through those were very low.

They brought him into the room and I just held him sobbing, my husband wouldn’t touch him he was really afraid. We only took three pictures of him, I regret not taking more, I also regret not having my older children come and meet their baby brother. We had him cremated and now his body is at home with us and around my neck, I wish everyday that he was in my arms instead. Sometimes I can feel his presence with me. I blame myself everyday for not knowing something was wrong sooner. Thank you all for listening, I hope my story can help someone else. Sterling Holden  March 13th, 2014 5lbs 12oz 18inches We will love you Forever and Always

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Filed Under: Home /Out-of-Hospital/ Loss, Teens

My Sweet Ava

January 24, 2014 by 1 Comment

Told by: Elise

I found out that I was pregnant on May 17, 2013. Part of me was so excited, but I mostly felt terrified. I am 17 years old, and I was not planning this pregnancy.

I am lucky enough to have a supportive family who, although they were angry with me, were willing to help me as long as I took responsibility for myself and my baby. I am in high school, and I arranged to graduate in December (my due date was January 6) so that I could take a semester off with my baby before going to college. School was incredibly hard this year. I was taking a lot of hard classss so that I could still graduate with an honors diploma and I was working about 30 hours a week after school and on weekends.

On top of that, people at school were incredibly judgmental. Even people who I thought were friends abandoned me because of my new reputation. I went through my pregnancy alone apart from my family and boyfriend. I found out I was having a girl, and I was so excited, despite everything going on. We decided to name her Ava Grace. On october 6, when I was exactly 27 weeks, I went to the emergency room because I hadn’t felt Ava move in a couple of days. The nurses taking care of me assured me that nothing was wrong, most likely, but checked for a heartbeat to give me reassurance. When they couldn’t find one, they gave me an ultrasound. No one would answer my questions of “What’s going on?” And “is everything okay?” Although at that point I already knew it wasn’t okay.

They finally told me that Ava’s heart had stopped beating and that they would induce labor shortly. They started giving me medicine for induction around 8 am on October 6, but I didn’t even begin to dilate until about 10 pm that night. I was given an epidural because the pain was so intense around 2 am. I finally delivered Ava at almost 4 pm the following day, October 7.

The doctor told me that her heart had stopped beating several days prior, and recommended that I not see her. I didn’t really know that most people did see their babies, and at the time, I didn’t know that I would ache so badly later to have seen her and held her no matter what she looked like.

My sweet Ava was 1 pound, 3 ounces and was 12 and 1/2 inches long. I ache every day to have her with me. My due date is 3 days from today and I can’t help but imagine what my life would be like if I was trying to finish up last minute things for Ava’s arrival instead of figuring out how to get through another day without very much hope. It’s an awful feeling.

My family and friends have been incredibly supportive, but my friends are, like me, 17. They don’t understand what this is like, or how much and how intensely it hurts. They don’t know what to say, and I feel all alone again.

It’s hard even now to imagine my life without Ava in it, and it’s been almost 3 months since I lost her. I keep wondering when it will get better. My friends are carrying on normal teenage lives, worrying about boys, prom, or clothes, but I find it impossible to do that. I don’t exactly know where to go now that I’m readjusting my life again. I know this post is probably really depressing, I just don’t know how else to feel.

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Filed Under: 27 weeks, Teens

She Brings Light

November 1, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Angie

When I was 18 I got pregnant. My husband (boyfriend then) joined the Navy so we could afford to feed baby. While he was in boot camp I lost our baby. We got married when he came back on leave and a few months later I found out I was pregnant again. By the next ultrasound the baby’s heart had stopped beating. This kept happening over the years. Once I did not even know I was pregnant. I went into the ER because of the pain and random bleeding that had started. I think I knew what was happening but I didn’t want to believe it.
April 2008 we decided to try one last time. We planned it out, tried, conceived and were thrilled. First appointment went well. Our baby was growing and I felt great. We moved to another state very quickly with the navy and when I went in for my next appointment the baby had died. I went into labor that night and delivered our little 12 week baby. We were done. Both of us sank into a despair that I thought we would not come out of.

After a few months we decided we were done with it all and started to plan our divorce. I managed to pack up all the baby things we had collected over the years and donate them. Then two months later I got pregnant again. This time it worked! I gave birth to the prettiest, toughest, most happy baby I have ever seen. She is one of a kind and the light of my life! She really is the beautiful rainbow after the storm.

After all these years I can finally let go of the sadness. Thank you for providing a place to do that.

This is my sunshine on her first day in the world and now three years later.

sunshine1

Filed Under: Infertility / Recurrent Loss, Military, Rainbow Birth Stories, Teens

Filling with Love

October 30, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Kristin

I found out I was going to be a mommy when I was 16. The first four months went as expected then a week after I found out I was going to have a boy I miscarried my son. I have birth to my son Jonathan Wayne on September 9th 2005. He weighed less than a pound and barely looked like a baby. Now eight years later I have a husband and stepdaughter that I love dearly but I still feel like something’s missing. I hope by sharing my story I can find peace with his death.

Filed Under: 19 weeks, Blended Family, Teens

Teen Pregnancy Loss

September 30, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Please share your story. You are not alone.

To see one encouraging conversation you can visit our facebook page.

You are also invited to view the “teens” library of our stories.  Just use the link below this photo.

Filed Under: Teens

Never Lose Hope

September 7, 2013 by Leave a Comment

Told by: Stephanie

I am a mom of 5 beautiful and healthy kids but it wasn’t so easy at first and I had a lot of sorrow along the way.

I was young  17 and I met a boy that I fell head over heals with ahhh young love .. we went to far and I became pregnant, I had always been pro-life. So I decided to keep the baby.  He asked me to marry him I said yes. It was a rough 3 months with lots of morning sickness and cramps. I went in for my 3 month exam as l looked down at my growing tummy they put the Doppler on my tummy to find the heart beat.

Nothing. They looked again and heard a faint swishing. The nurse said oh he or she must be hiding and smiled and said lets schedule a ultra sound for next month. I went home that night feeling strange and worried. But the next week I thought I felt the baby move. That night at 1130pm I started spotting and cramping HORRIBLY. My boyfriend took me to the hospital and they listened for a heartbeat again and couldn’t find one then rushed me to ultra sound.

I remember the cold table as I laid there in a gown, I watched the ultra sound techs face as she moved the tool over my belly.  I asked her is everything ok.  She didn’t respond.  Then a long 2 mins went by she then said ok I am done. I then asked again “Is everything ok?”

She said a doctor will be in to see you shortly. I began to cry. I knew something was wrong. The longest 10 mins of my life the doctor came in and said you are having a missed Miscarriage. He then said they couldn’t see any baby in me so it most likely died months ago. He recommend a D&C or to send me home with medication to pass the placenta ect out at home.

I chose the D&C. Not one month later my boyfriend left me.

Less then 2 years later I met a wonderful man who was going into the Navy he proposed to me and we got married.  We kept trying to have a baby but nothing. I became very sad and then found out I was pregnant while he was out to sea. I told him we were both excited.

It was a very rough pregnancy I found out I had high blood pressure I  had to go on bed rest at 26 weeks it felt like eternity and at 35 weeks I went in to see my doctor and he said he had to induce me.

My blood pressure was to high. So I went in at 36 weeks to have my son. I was maxed out on picotin and one whole day went by… They then came in and broke my water.  26 hours later I was only dilated to 6cm and My son spiked a fever inside of me and so did I his heart began to decel and they rushed me in for a emergency c-section. 

Come to find out I had streptococcus B and because my son sat in my uterus with out fluid he became very sick. ( I didn’t get the swab at 36 weeks because that’s when they had be go in to be induced ) He was in the NICU for 22 days.

He pulled through and is a healthy 18 year old man now.

 

But less than 4 months after he was born I began spotting and fainting and having HORRIBLE pain in my right side so bad I could barely stand I would throw up, This didn’t happen all the time but at least once a week.  I was spotting brown smelly stringy blood but was told this was normal after having a c-section months ago… One night I took a bath and I couldn’t get out the pain was soooo bad.

My mom rushed me to the hospital they did a urine test and said I wasn’t pregnant. But then the doctor said draw blood. Which they did and saw I had high levels of HCG.

He had a ultra sound machine in and put it on my right side and there the baby was in my tube. Be began to freak out yelling we have a Ectopic Pregnancy here.. gestation  6  weeks. He asked me if I wanted to see the baby on the ultra sound screen.. I said no. I began to cry I was in so much shock. He then said we have to take you in to surgery NOW. Your baby is  in your fallopian tube and its about to rupture.

The next morning I woke up and the doctor came in and said he had to remove my whole right tube and I could still have children it would just be harder he also said thank God I came in he said with in 24 hours I could have died. 

I have had a lot of pain and loss and miscarried 3 other times. I think to myself I would have had 10 children.  I know I still do and one day I will be able to see my other 5.

I am thankful I am still here today and I am one tough mama.  My children are now 18,16,14,12 and 9.
Never lose hope.
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Filed Under: Ectopic Pregnancy, Teens

Protected: We Are Not Alone

July 14, 2013 by 4 Comments

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Filed Under: Adopt/Foster/Surrogacy Loss, All Multiples, Loss after Rape or Abuse, Love Letters to My Body, Rainbow Birth Stories, Teens

I Will Never Forget Her

June 25, 2013 by 1 Comment

Told by: Ember

From a young age my biological father molested me, and at the age of 10 he began raping me. I never told anyone, and hid the bruises and started cutting, developed an eating disorder and got into drugs and alcohol. Even worse, 3 years later I was late for my period and found out I was pregnant. I couldn’t tell anyone, I knew he’d kill the baby or me. So I kept it a secret.

Even after the test confirmed it I was convinced no one would believe me and they would think I was disgusting or worthless, because that’s what he told me.

I looked up online how to find out how far along you are and learned I was around 6 weeks. For the next 6 weeks I ignored it, scared to death of what would happen if I told anyone about the baby. I wore bigger clothes and hid the small bump that was forming beneath my belly button. I was so confused and scared. Then I felt her move. I know that 12 weeks is too early but I swear to God I felt her, I knew then that I loved her, I didn’t care where she came from or who the father was, she was mine. My child.

A few days later I began having cramps, mild at first, then sharp pains in my lower abdomen and I started spotting. The next day I began bleeding heavily and it got thicker with clumps and gobs of dark material. I got even worse pain in my vagina and felt horrible pressure. Then I understood what was happening, my baby was dying.

I got dark towels out and laid them on the floor of my bathroom and sat half naked, and bleeding for what seemed like a long time. I finally felt an odd pressure and something inside my vagina, I half stood with my hand up to my body and she came out. A small part of her umbilical cord was attached and she was perfect. Arms, legs and 10 fingers and toes. She was weightless to me and only a few inches long. I looked to see her gender. My baby girl. I held her and cried for what seemed like all night.

I told her I loved her and I would see her again and I wrapped her up in toilet paper, like a swaddle. And I put her in a trash can. I tried to make her comfortable and warm. I kissed her tiny head and whispered out loud that I loved her. I bled more and more stuff came out in large clumps and stringy globs, and I continued bleeding for another week or so. I’ll never forget May, 3rd of 2010. Not long after that my father wad arrested for molesting a friend of mine and I moved in with my mom. I confessed everything and have unconditional support and love now. I miss my baby girl every day.

Filed Under: 12 weeks, all, Loss after Rape or Abuse, Teens
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