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Leap Day Losses

February 29, 2012 by Leave a Comment

 

 

A miscarried baby is born every minute, and a stillborn baby is born every twenty minutes, in the US alone – even on “Leap Day.”

Here at stillbirthday, we believe that you do NOT need to wait another four years to honor your child’s stillbirthday.

Here, in this space, it is February 29, every year.

If you have ever experienced a pregnancy loss or an infant loss on a February 29, you are invited to share your story, and it will be held in the space here – at the category of stories entitled Leap Day Losses.

 

Filed Under: all, Leap Day Losses

Protected: Addie Kate

February 28, 2012 by 3 Comments

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Filed Under: 08 weeks, 09 weeks, Ending Fertility in Loss & TTC Challenges

In My Weakness, He Is Strong

February 28, 2012 by 2 Comments

Told by: Phillip

My daughter Zoe Elizabeth was born still–you can read more about her story from my wife’s perspective here.

There are just so many different dimensions to the pain and grief I felt when she died.

First of all, just that she died. My daughter.

Secondly, that I never got to see her alive before she left.

Hope, my wife, had to begin to deal with the idea that somehow she was defective as a mother; that her body could not do what it was intended to do, namely bring a new life safely into this world. A dispassionate, objective third party would point out that bad things happen and it’s not always our fault. But tell that to a mother who has just lost her baby. The sadness and pain and guilt from the loss of your own baby goes so much deeper than any reason or logic can ever touch. Because it’s an instinct, isn’t it? Women know, deep inside their guts and hearts, that their job is to nurture this little life to fruition, to protect this little person with their own bodies. Not to do so is a failure of the deepest and largest kind.

Men have a similar instinct. There is something so primal about conceiving, bearing, and raising a child. We just know, in our innermost being, that we have a sacred responsibility to protect our wives and our children, to keep them from harm, to keep evil and darkness and death away from our homes. And so when my daughter Zoe died, I got hit with a double whammy of instinctive failure and weakness. I was powerless to protect and defend my tiny little girl, and I was equally powerless to protect my wife from the pain and grief of losing our child. All the logic, reason, and fact in the world cannot take away those feelings of weakness and inadequacy. Feelings that directly attack the very core of how we identify ourselves as men.

The logically reasoned facts state that neither I nor Hope could have changed Zoe’s fate. And even if we had known about Hope’s blood clotting disorders, and she had been taking the right medications, any number of things could have happened. We were truly powerless and without guilt in the face of our daughter’s death. But facts don’t work against instinct and primal emotion. Not for a long time, at least.

Walter Bradford Cannon spoke of the “fight or flight” response to threats. As a man, husband, and father, I felt powerless, inadequate, unable to fight. So it’s not surprising to note that I chose flight as my response in the aftermath of Zoe’s death.

We men choose to flee so much more often than we choose to fight for the right things, don’t we? I chose flight; I fled to the realm of denial and fantasy. There are so many different places we can flee to these days, some harmless in and of themselves, and some less harmless. Anything that offers the illusion of control and power is an option, from books and video games to alcohol, drugs, pornography, et cetera. I fled because I felt powerless to save my wife from the grief, because I was a bad father to my daughter Zoe. Because I felt like I had to, somehow, maintain some illusion of normalcy and strength for my family, when inside myself there was anything but strength and normalcy.

It has taken me a long time to stop fleeing. In some ways, I am still tempted to flee from what I feel inadequate to fix, solve, or control. But I am finally learning that I can face the senseless chaos of a fallen world, and fight, even though I am truly weak and without power to make things right. Now that is truly an illogical response: to fight even though I have no power. But “the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God’s sight.” (1 Corinthians 3:19)

I can stand and fight because, in the wisdom of God, which makes no sense by the standards of a godless world, when I am weak, Christ’s strength is made to shine; it becomes larger than life!

The apostle Paul: [The Lord] said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.(2 Corinthians 12:9-10)

The weakness that is part of our fallen human condition becomes the path God bids us follow; it leads straight to Him. When I acknowledge my weakness, and I humbly ask my God to help me act like He is God, He pours His strength all over my and my situation, and I finally understand what true strength is. I was never meant to be an island. I was never made to have strength and power on my own. Instead, I was made to serve as a way and a means for God to pour His strength, power, love, wisdom, and every other quality, into this world. That is true reality. As I learn to let God use me in the way I was made to serve, He is showing me that I am not broken anymore. He has fixed me, and is fixing me. In my weakness, He is strong, and His strength makes me strong in the way I was meant to be. That’s what it means to be a man.

[You can click here to view a photo of Zoe Elizabeth]

Filed Under: Dads

Protected: Zoe Elizabeth

February 28, 2012 by 1 Comment

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Filed Under: 18 weeks, 19 weeks, 20 weeks

Protected: Love Always Leaves a Mark

February 27, 2012 by 4 Comments

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Filed Under: 28 weeks, Ending Fertility in Loss & TTC Challenges

Protected: He is Real – He is Loved

February 26, 2012 by 4 Comments

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Filed Under: 28 weeks, 29 weeks, 30 weeks, 31 weeks, 32 weeks, all

My Baby is Intact

February 26, 2012 by Leave a Comment

The pink & blue ribbon depicts infertility, prematurity, and pregnancy and infant loss. It is now being used by those who espouse an anti-circumcision campaign in developed countries, by comparing to, but not striving to cease, female genital mutilation in underdeveloped countries. Circumcision or not may be a worthy debate, but the issues surrounding our babies being “intact” when we endure pregnancy and infant loss cut deeper than foreskin.

Pregnancy and infant loss not only impact parents emotionally and physically, but it can impact parents medically, legally, and spiritually, too.

There are a number of situations in which a mother may wonder or even worry about the eternal perfection of her miscarried or stillborn baby, when the temporal form of his or her body has been altered.

Can your baby enter Heaven in perfect condition, regardless of the physical location of his or her body? 

Can your baby enter Heaven in perfect condition, regardless of the physical condition of his or her body?

If your baby was not “buried”, will your baby enter Heaven?  Will this impact what happens at the Resurrection?

Here are a couple of scenerios in which these concerns may present themselves:

“I could not identify my baby’s body, and so I flushed.”

“I was so overwhelmed by what was happening, I believed flushing to be my only option.”

“I was in a public location and so believed flushing to be my only option.”

“My baby was born via D&C or D&E.”

“My baby’s physical form underwent a complete autopsy.”

“Individual or group cremation is the only option my hospital or funeral home provided.”

“We decided on organ or tissue donation.”

Ezekiel 37:1-11:

The hand of the LORD was on me, and he brought me out by the Spirit of the LORD and set me in the middle of a valley; it was full of bones. He led me back and forth among them, and I saw a great many bones on the floor of the valley, bones that were very dry. He asked me, “Son of man, can these bones live?”

I said, “Sovereign LORD, you alone know.”

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to these bones and say to them, ‘Dry bones, hear the word of the LORD! This is what the Sovereign LORD says to these bones: I will make breath enter you, and you will come to life. I will attach tendons to you and make flesh come upon you and cover you with skin; I will put breath in you, and you will come to life. Then you will know that I am the LORD.’”

So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them.

Then he said to me, “Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign LORD says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’” So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.

1 Thessalonians 4:14-18:

For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him.  According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.

1 Corinthians 15:42-57:

So will it be with the resurrection of the dead. The body that is sown is perishable, it is raised imperishable; it is sown in dishonor, it is raised in glory; it is sown in weakness, it is raised in power; it is sown a natural body, it is raised a spiritual body.

If there is a natural body, there is also a spiritual body. So it is written: “The first man Adam became a living being”; the last Adam, a life-giving spirit. The spiritual did not come first, but the natural, and after that the spiritual. The first man was of the dust of the earth; the second man is of heaven. As was the earthly man, so are those who are of the earth; and as is the heavenly man, so also are those who are of heaven. And just as we have borne the image of the earthly man, so shall webear the image of the heavenly man.

I declare to you, brothers and sisters, that flesh and blood cannot inherit the kingdom of God, nor does the perishable inherit the imperishable. Listen, I tell you a mystery: We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed— in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed. For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality. When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

“Where, O death, is your victory?    Where, O death, is your sting?”

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

Romans 8:17:

and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him so that we may also be glorified with Him.

1 Thessalonians 5:10:

who died for us, so that whether we are awake or asleep, we will live together with Him.

2 Timothy 2:11-12:

It is a trustworthy statement:

For if we died with Him, we will also live with Him; If we endure, we will also reign with Him; If we deny Him, He also will deny us;

God has the ultimate power – even over death, and even over our babies’ physical bodies – regardless of their condition or place. 

You have a responsibility to trust that power, and to submit to Him in your own life.  You baby is most assuredly with God.  Is God with you?  Ask Him into your heart, and let Him lead you through the rest of your life.

For more information about other biblical questions regarding pregnancy loss, please visit The Answers.

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Protected: My Three Perfect Ones

February 24, 2012 by 1 Comment

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Filed Under: 17 weeks, 22 weeks, all, All Multiples

Casting Out Demons

February 24, 2012 by 7 Comments

As a new loss mom, I faced many opinions from others, about what my loss meant, how I could have prevented it, how I couldn’t have prevented it, and how I should respond to the situation.  You can read about some of those first reactions in Come on Home.

After sifting the loving comments from the negative ones, separating the positive expressions from the hurtful ones, clinging to the beautiful sentiments and releasing the harmful ones, reaching out to compassionate loved ones and explaining truth to the ones who inflicted hurt (intentionally or not), I began preparing for the reality of stillbirthday.

Since stillbirthday launched six months ago, I have been presented with several different circumstances and issues.  I handled each one prayerfully and carefully, but silently.  I did not draw attention to any of these issues, because I didn’t want loss moms to suffer having to learn what I was enduring, and because I didn’t want my loved ones to worry and to try to persuade me, for my benefit, to shut stillbirthday down.  Staying silent out of calculation but also out of these concerns, I endured these attacks without involving anyone else:

  • people wanting me to explain elective abortion as if it were the same exact thing as pregnancy loss.  The two are not the same, and neither the pregnancy loss mother nor the electively aborting mother (for any reason) deserve to have their experiences considered to be exactly the same.
  • people wanting me to remove any aspect of my Christian faith from stillbirthday.  Stillbirthday is accessible for every loss mother – the point of stillbirthday is so that every loss mother can receive the support she needs.  However, I am Christian.  It would be impossible for me to remove my Christian faith from stillbirthday.  It is founded on it.
  • people willing to list their services at stillbirthday, in one capacity or another, for the sole purpose of using stillbirthday as an advertising front – meaning, that they planned on creating an ultimatum for the loss mother, making her purchase their product or service in order to receive the care that she deserves and intends to get through stillbirthday.  These people, as their intentions are discovered, are removed from stillbirthday.
  • people stealing the name of stillbirthday, and people stealing my work.  There is a copyright agreement at the bottom of the blog.  It has been up since the beginning of stillbirthday.  All information is freely accessible to any loss mother.  To steal one piece of my work and claim it as your own takes the loss mom away from the possiblity of receiving additional support through stillbirthday.  Don’t lead her away from the support you don’t even know she may need or want.  Link back to stillbirthday.  It’s that simple.
  • peple trying to discredit the value of stillbirthday, through publicly sharing mixed up messages from old arguments had with any of the people listed at stillbirthday.  There are over 250 representatives of stillbirthday, from the doulas and mentors to the prayer team, the coordinators of our Love Cupboards and the people who’ve committed to spreading the word about it.  We all – every one of us – has a past, and I’d bet we each have a past that we wouldn’t want rubbed back in our faces when we are moving forward to do good.  Accountability is important, when it is applicable, but so is forgiveness, when it is applicable.
  • people saying that the emphasis of stillbirthday – and any other pregnancy loss support program, organization, group or resource – is on death, dying, the past, and not moving forward.  That the very fact that stillbirthday exists speaks to my own inability to move past my loss, and that those who move on silently in their grief, move on better.  This is a misconception, seated squarely in discomfort.  This discomfort speaks to the way society perceives pregnancy loss.  It is not a religious or a political opinion – it is a familial, a personal, a maternal truth: the life of our children matter, regardless of the duration of their life.  I serve to speak for the life of my child, and I speak this truth into the hearts of mothers both before and after they experience loss, so that they too can trust that honoring their children is not about lingering on death, but on recognizing the reality of death, and about savoring the reality of life.

Loss moms, isn’t losing our children enough?  Why do we have to face hurtful comments from our loved ones, or from others?  Why do we have to teach them how to speak to us, how to treat us, how to care for us?  During such an excruciating time, why are we the ones who are stretched to offer grace to those who, intentionally or unintentionally, break our hearts even further?

And, even after all that we sift through personally, isn’t it enough to say that we want to do something that speaks life into mourning?  When I put stillbirthday together, shouldn’t that have been the end of the offense?

Loss parents, when we brush ourselves off and determine to do something productive with our heartbreak, why do we have to endure even more struggle, hardship, hurt, and heartbreak?

Are our well-meaning loved ones right?  Should we close up shop and silently move on?

Or, is there something else God may want us to learn through it all?

I propose that it is because we are doing something extremely valuable, not only for our fellow brothers and sisters of loss, but for the eternal kingdom, that we are so repeatedly tested, stretched, crushed and broken.

In Matthew 10:7, Jesus instructs us to go out and proclaim that heaven is near, and in the verse that follows, He reveals the amazing power we have, through Him, to do this.  This power includes addressing people who once felt isolated and abandoned, and letting them know that they are not alone.  This power includes speaking love and life into those so broken hearted and weary that they are spiritually dead inside.  This power includes speaking truth to those who do not know it.  This power includes casting out demons.

The seventy-two returned with joy, saying, “Lord, even the demons are subject to us in your name!”  (Luke 10:17)

So, what are demons?

Demons are spiritual forces serving to prevent us from speaking the truth of God and fulfilling His purposes.

Paul tells us:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.

And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people.

Paul continues, and I ask that you, fellow loss parents, consider this my request to you as well:

Pray also for me, that whenever I speak, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.  (Ephesians 6:10-20)

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38)

The truth that I have learned through my pregnancy loss is that my baby is with God – and, God is with me.  Therefore, as I speak to the validity and the reality of my baby, and the validity and the reality of God, I know I am not alone:

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves.

A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.  (Ecclesiastes 4:12)

Clicking the image will take you to its web source.

Filed Under: all, Outside Insight / P.R.

Protected: Crying for our Angel

February 22, 2012 by 2 Comments

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Filed Under: 20 weeks
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The SBD® Doula provides support to families experiencing birth in any trimester and in any outcome.

Here at stillbirthday.info, you can learn about the SBD® Doula.